Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Bloodshot
My eyes won't recover from being so bloodshot. Before my mental health day, I woke up with bright red eyes. Like satan and I have been playing the staring contest all night. The people that just assumed I had been crying, I'd told them that Adrian broke up with me. And I spend the whole night crying. He didn't like that very much, but it was so funny. Others thought I was stoned, and my being a spaz just didn't help my case.
Two days later and my eyes are so slowly getting better. Sleep deprivation only adds more red, and the sniffles is making my eyes water. But yesterday was good.
Spontaneous ideas are always my favorite. After my mental health day, I decided that taking the night out would be amazing. So I gathered Jabe and Fox and with the fresh company of Jacon, we drove me out of my house at 1something in the morning. I landed on my foot wrong trying to jump off of the bush under my sister's window. And now it's sore.
Of course, we were plan-less. We purchased energy drinks. We drove aimlessly for an hour, then landed on San Jose. We saw a peek of the night life. People gliding away the streets, laughing loud and living it up for the night. They looked like they were having fun, so I felt like I was having fun. Or at least, I hoped that I looked like I was having fun. Because it looked fun looking like I looked like I was having fun. It's just fun.
We kept driving around for a place for JB to eat, but 2 in the morning means places are closed. So we just drove and drove, and made U-turns and lefts and rights and straights and in and out of parking lots. No Ipod, just the shittiest radio stations with our desperate hope that a good song will play.
I think driving up to East Bay was my favorite. I always love driving up there, because JB takes me there. And I look out when we're high enough, and believe when I say, things are better at night. During the day, the view going up to East Bay looks gray, fake, and worn. But at night, when there are lights, and it's quiet, and no cars pass by... Then you HAVE to step out of the car. With your socks on, and your best friend beside.
We made a U-turn, and found some adrenaline rush. We rolled the sunroof, and stuck ourselves out as he cut down hill. JB accelerated, and we were like the rapids. You know when we talk about being infinite? Last night was one of those nights.
Our final stop were donuts, and that completed it for me.
The thought of home made me sad, and angry, and frustrated. And before I knew it, I was sneaking back in the front door, in the silence of the dark morning, and the slight disappointment that I didn't get caught.
Then I slept, making sure that I stain my pillows with the darkness from my eyes.
Two days later and my eyes are so slowly getting better. Sleep deprivation only adds more red, and the sniffles is making my eyes water. But yesterday was good.
Spontaneous ideas are always my favorite. After my mental health day, I decided that taking the night out would be amazing. So I gathered Jabe and Fox and with the fresh company of Jacon, we drove me out of my house at 1something in the morning. I landed on my foot wrong trying to jump off of the bush under my sister's window. And now it's sore.
Of course, we were plan-less. We purchased energy drinks. We drove aimlessly for an hour, then landed on San Jose. We saw a peek of the night life. People gliding away the streets, laughing loud and living it up for the night. They looked like they were having fun, so I felt like I was having fun. Or at least, I hoped that I looked like I was having fun. Because it looked fun looking like I looked like I was having fun. It's just fun.
We kept driving around for a place for JB to eat, but 2 in the morning means places are closed. So we just drove and drove, and made U-turns and lefts and rights and straights and in and out of parking lots. No Ipod, just the shittiest radio stations with our desperate hope that a good song will play.
I think driving up to East Bay was my favorite. I always love driving up there, because JB takes me there. And I look out when we're high enough, and believe when I say, things are better at night. During the day, the view going up to East Bay looks gray, fake, and worn. But at night, when there are lights, and it's quiet, and no cars pass by... Then you HAVE to step out of the car. With your socks on, and your best friend beside.
We made a U-turn, and found some adrenaline rush. We rolled the sunroof, and stuck ourselves out as he cut down hill. JB accelerated, and we were like the rapids. You know when we talk about being infinite? Last night was one of those nights.
Our final stop were donuts, and that completed it for me.
The thought of home made me sad, and angry, and frustrated. And before I knew it, I was sneaking back in the front door, in the silence of the dark morning, and the slight disappointment that I didn't get caught.
Then I slept, making sure that I stain my pillows with the darkness from my eyes.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
2nd Visitor
Adrian.
He ditched class and brought me home Kitkats and Dr. Pepper.
I wouldn't mind marrying him. He's just that good.
I love mental health days[:
He ditched class and brought me home Kitkats and Dr. Pepper.
I wouldn't mind marrying him. He's just that good.
I love mental health days[:
Mental Health Day
I thought I had the most horrible night.
But I woke up better.
And I slept with some LSD dreams.
And I thought about our pinkies.
And WHAT THE FUCK. Tami just dropped off some donuts for me. Goddamn. Always good to me. Always.
Monday, November 9, 2009
It's dark, and I'm tucked in bed. Every next thought that comes is a thought more painful than the last.
I can feel the aches. The weakening of my bones. The pangs that swift through me, across me, all over me. I can feel them on my fingertips and my palms, all the way down to the bottom of my feet. And my chest, it's like being ripped apart by a pair of merciless, bare hands. I hate these aches.
Why does everything hurt all of a sudden? I don't want this. I want out.
I.
WANT.
OUT.
LOL
Fox and I had this moment.
JB and I had this moment.
I need to keep remembering that my life is good.
JB and I had this moment.
I need to keep remembering that my life is good.
Remember Heather,
I miss her.
I remember when she left, I never got a good bye. I was on vacation, and she left before I can return. She was a sunshine that sophomore year. And now she's gone, and I miss that sunshine.
Ferna used to call her Little Foot because of what he thought were her abnormally small feet. When really, they were just small. And she was so happy all the time that it was contagious. We adventured, and I miss her.
I didn't even get a lot of time with her. Right when we started getting close, she left. She left to get some SoCal lovin'. And inevitably, we drifted. I remember she was the reason why I started writing letters and having pen pals. We exchanged addresses and had cute stationaries and wrote to each other almost every week! I anticipated every week that surprised me with a letter. But then the letters started coming less frequently, until they didn't come anymore.
And now on this shitty day, feeling this shitty feeling, I want some sunshine. But I can't seem to find it.
Ferna used to call her Little Foot because of what he thought were her abnormally small feet. When really, they were just small. And she was so happy all the time that it was contagious. We adventured, and I miss her.
I didn't even get a lot of time with her. Right when we started getting close, she left. She left to get some SoCal lovin'. And inevitably, we drifted. I remember she was the reason why I started writing letters and having pen pals. We exchanged addresses and had cute stationaries and wrote to each other almost every week! I anticipated every week that surprised me with a letter. But then the letters started coming less frequently, until they didn't come anymore.
And now on this shitty day, feeling this shitty feeling, I want some sunshine. But I can't seem to find it.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I always feel this sense of comfort laying in bed and watching someone get ready to step outside with the rest of the world.
The sound of clothes slipping on skin. And I'd lay there, watching, staring. And my silence playing with the movements.
And then there's my favorite that I detest. The phrase or gesture that signifies that it's time to leave, while I get to stay in bed. The goodbye that's sweet and simple, and always makes me want to hold on longer.
Then out the door, and silence flows in again. I would bury under the covers, and just wait.
Sometimes, I like being the one getting ready.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
18th Anybody?
They finally sent us the digital copies.
But I'm still far too lazy to show you guys all of it. Therefore, here's one adorable picture of my best boy and I.
JB, I love you very much. Did you know?
JB, I love you very much. Did you know?
Poor Guy in Our Homeroom Class is Jayson
This is Fox, ranting about ...things that Ange doesn't particularly like to listen to. But I do anyway, because I tend to listen to her rants, no matter what she wants to rant about. So instead of listening to her face to face like usual, she sent me a video.
PS. She shits on you.
PS. She shits on you.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Seattle's Best
I really never thought twice about my happiness. Never questioned its presence. Never tried to change what already is. But something sparked in me today. Maybe not sparked, but poked at me like an annoying kid with a stick. And I really don't know what triggered. Or why. Why of all the days would today be...the day?
I think it all began with the lovebird today. Well, there were these birds that Fox and I saw a few weeks ago at the family pet store. Hybrid lovebirds to be exact. And the first glance, Fox and I were immediately reminded of us. One bird was nestled behind the other, and they just held each other like that. You should have seen us. I was cowering behind her because of my being overwhelmed by all the birds. We adored the birds, and since then, we couldn't stop talking about them. Today, we decided to pay them a visit. I was actually very excited to see. The progressing anticipation of walking to the pet store only backfired at me once we were inside with the birds. Above us was the same cage that the lovebirds rested several weeks ago. Except this time, only one bird was in there. And I must say, I was crushed. I would have never imagined myself disappointed by something I'd once feared. But I was crushed. The sole bird was there, hardly moving. And he just looked sad, and felt sad. And it reminded me of when my family had these two lovebirds, and how when one died because of some sickness, the other followed right after, due to loneliness. And I don't know, my heart was just ripped.
Following that were my scattered feelings. Confused, and lost, and empty, and overwhelmed, and passive, and quiet, and so detached to reality. I felt myself being silent, and I couldn't speak up. Not even with JB or Fox there. I didn't want to spill over my gray feelings over the bright yellow that exuded out of all of them tonight. But I should have known, silence is too damn loud.
After watching the Fourth Kind, I fell into my silence. Almost permanently. Starbucks was no help, and Borders certainly wasn't either. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. And she never believes 'I'm fine' because who ever believes that? But I do remember wanting to get the hell out of there. After my long pauses with human contact, I went and bought myself coffee. I thought it'd help perk me up and keep my insides from being so icy.
Coffee only led me outside of the store. I paced a few feet outside Borders' doors, for several minutes, not caring whether or not these strangers minded me.
Then I sat on a ledge, and pushed myself away where I can only hear my thoughts. Where only I narrated, and only my opinions and feelings mattered. And being there, it astonished me. I hadn't realized that I have not been there in way too long. As solitary and dark as it was, I felt so alive in this strange way. Like I was able to see outside my emotional barriers. Like I saw things with out the influence of anyone and anything. And I was standing on the ground that I hadn't paved, but have been willingly following. It felt amazing.
I looked up. The clouds patched the sky red, while underneath was the stillness of the black horizon. And against the horizon, I only saw trees. Trees yellow and green, adapting to the weather. Trees that were skinny, and bent in one direction. Like they were all almost falling, but couldn't be broken. I felt like I was them. Like I was a damn tree falling, but could never be broken. I liked it, and I didn't.
The harshness of the white lights piercing through yellow leaves bothered me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want the cars there. I just wanted to keep getting lost until I found myself. It was strange. Like my roots have relocated, and I had to keep finding other locations to find...the right location. Which never really moved at all. I just grew, and I was scared that I didn't know where to come home to.
That's what I was. I was lost. I was lost, and I thought that by staying lost, that I'd find myself in the middle of being lost. It made sense to me before, and I think it still does. Because I began to find myself, and the more pieces I saw, the easier it was to breathe, and blink, and move my fingers into realistic consciousness.
And now, I need to keep finding more pieces of myself because I'd been lost in so many people, and so many events and pasts and futures, and music in so long that I don't really know where I'd gone. I thought this would be a breakdown. And if I hadn't stepped out of that bookstore to give myself time, I think I would've cracked. But this realization gave me enough to find that stability within myself.
I need to keep happy for the sake of my well-being. But not just happy. I need to be balanced, and at ease, and comfortable. And I can't be on the verge of cracking. And I can't keep any breakdowns to myself. There's so much out there. I just need to keep my eyes open, and breathe.
The moon hid behind the clouds tonight. And as a Cure song played, I started to feel better and better. And I even started to sing along.
I think it all began with the lovebird today. Well, there were these birds that Fox and I saw a few weeks ago at the family pet store. Hybrid lovebirds to be exact. And the first glance, Fox and I were immediately reminded of us. One bird was nestled behind the other, and they just held each other like that. You should have seen us. I was cowering behind her because of my being overwhelmed by all the birds. We adored the birds, and since then, we couldn't stop talking about them. Today, we decided to pay them a visit. I was actually very excited to see. The progressing anticipation of walking to the pet store only backfired at me once we were inside with the birds. Above us was the same cage that the lovebirds rested several weeks ago. Except this time, only one bird was in there. And I must say, I was crushed. I would have never imagined myself disappointed by something I'd once feared. But I was crushed. The sole bird was there, hardly moving. And he just looked sad, and felt sad. And it reminded me of when my family had these two lovebirds, and how when one died because of some sickness, the other followed right after, due to loneliness. And I don't know, my heart was just ripped.
Following that were my scattered feelings. Confused, and lost, and empty, and overwhelmed, and passive, and quiet, and so detached to reality. I felt myself being silent, and I couldn't speak up. Not even with JB or Fox there. I didn't want to spill over my gray feelings over the bright yellow that exuded out of all of them tonight. But I should have known, silence is too damn loud.
After watching the Fourth Kind, I fell into my silence. Almost permanently. Starbucks was no help, and Borders certainly wasn't either. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. And she never believes 'I'm fine' because who ever believes that? But I do remember wanting to get the hell out of there. After my long pauses with human contact, I went and bought myself coffee. I thought it'd help perk me up and keep my insides from being so icy.
Coffee only led me outside of the store. I paced a few feet outside Borders' doors, for several minutes, not caring whether or not these strangers minded me.
Then I sat on a ledge, and pushed myself away where I can only hear my thoughts. Where only I narrated, and only my opinions and feelings mattered. And being there, it astonished me. I hadn't realized that I have not been there in way too long. As solitary and dark as it was, I felt so alive in this strange way. Like I was able to see outside my emotional barriers. Like I saw things with out the influence of anyone and anything. And I was standing on the ground that I hadn't paved, but have been willingly following. It felt amazing.
I looked up. The clouds patched the sky red, while underneath was the stillness of the black horizon. And against the horizon, I only saw trees. Trees yellow and green, adapting to the weather. Trees that were skinny, and bent in one direction. Like they were all almost falling, but couldn't be broken. I felt like I was them. Like I was a damn tree falling, but could never be broken. I liked it, and I didn't.
The harshness of the white lights piercing through yellow leaves bothered me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want the cars there. I just wanted to keep getting lost until I found myself. It was strange. Like my roots have relocated, and I had to keep finding other locations to find...the right location. Which never really moved at all. I just grew, and I was scared that I didn't know where to come home to.
That's what I was. I was lost. I was lost, and I thought that by staying lost, that I'd find myself in the middle of being lost. It made sense to me before, and I think it still does. Because I began to find myself, and the more pieces I saw, the easier it was to breathe, and blink, and move my fingers into realistic consciousness.
And now, I need to keep finding more pieces of myself because I'd been lost in so many people, and so many events and pasts and futures, and music in so long that I don't really know where I'd gone. I thought this would be a breakdown. And if I hadn't stepped out of that bookstore to give myself time, I think I would've cracked. But this realization gave me enough to find that stability within myself.
I need to keep happy for the sake of my well-being. But not just happy. I need to be balanced, and at ease, and comfortable. And I can't be on the verge of cracking. And I can't keep any breakdowns to myself. There's so much out there. I just need to keep my eyes open, and breathe.
The moon hid behind the clouds tonight. And as a Cure song played, I started to feel better and better. And I even started to sing along.
Roughly twenty minutes ago, I turned to JB as I sat shot gun while he flipped through the radio stations, and asked him, "Did highway to hell play yet?" trying to make a reference to Final Destination.
We drove into the freeway 7 minutes ago and he still was flipping through the stations. Suddenly, highway to hell played. I was startled, but jokingly. Then I asked, "OK if a motorcycle passes by..."
Two minutes ago, a motorcycle passed by, and I almost shat myself.
Then I asked, "OK if a truck with logs passes by..."
If there is no follow up to this entry after several days, then assume I'm dead.
We drove into the freeway 7 minutes ago and he still was flipping through the stations. Suddenly, highway to hell played. I was startled, but jokingly. Then I asked, "OK if a motorcycle passes by..."
Two minutes ago, a motorcycle passed by, and I almost shat myself.
Then I asked, "OK if a truck with logs passes by..."
If there is no follow up to this entry after several days, then assume I'm dead.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I Should Breathe.
I miss venting on this thing as if I exist with out best friends, or friends at all. I just feel like I have nothing worthy saying. But I do, you're just not interested. Are you?
My sleep has been off in a fancy turn. I sleep so extraordinarily early that I flabbergast when I wake up in the morning and realize what I'd missed out on the night. I like my sleeping early, actually. It gives me less time to think so much, and more time to... not dream. Because I hardly ever dream. And when I do... they tend to be oh so...explicit. Aha.
The weather was semi-lovely today. Does anybody else pay attention to the skies? I feel so silly, and aged. Like I'm the only one paying attention, and the only one finding kind beauty that doesn't ache to break me down. Only to well up in me like ...the way blue fire looks. Did anybody else see the moon a few nights ago? Warm, yellow, and huge. And it let me believe that we're all alright, even just for a moment.
I've been wanting to be smothered in solitude lately. But not exactly. Because when I find myself alone, I want to be smothered by somebody. I've just been overwhelmed. Like I'd finally come face to face with my responsibilities, but instead of getting to them, I turned away and left. I just hate it. I hate the feeling of being tied down, or held back by something, anything.
I don't know why, I just feel like I'm less free. Or...that I'm not as free as I know I should be. I'm young and thumping out of my pants. I NEED to be reckless and irresponsible. I need to be out with my friends, polluting my days and nights with adolescent savageness. But I'm so restrained, and so controlled, and I can't find my balls to get myself together. It's pitiful really.
There's so much I want to do. But my parents, relationships, and everything else in between. I feel like it's stopping me. I don't really know what I'm saying. Or what I want to say. I just know that someone like me, shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I can end up doing unimaginable things that can tear everything apart. In a split second.
My sleep has been off in a fancy turn. I sleep so extraordinarily early that I flabbergast when I wake up in the morning and realize what I'd missed out on the night. I like my sleeping early, actually. It gives me less time to think so much, and more time to... not dream. Because I hardly ever dream. And when I do... they tend to be oh so...explicit. Aha.
The weather was semi-lovely today. Does anybody else pay attention to the skies? I feel so silly, and aged. Like I'm the only one paying attention, and the only one finding kind beauty that doesn't ache to break me down. Only to well up in me like ...the way blue fire looks. Did anybody else see the moon a few nights ago? Warm, yellow, and huge. And it let me believe that we're all alright, even just for a moment.
I've been wanting to be smothered in solitude lately. But not exactly. Because when I find myself alone, I want to be smothered by somebody. I've just been overwhelmed. Like I'd finally come face to face with my responsibilities, but instead of getting to them, I turned away and left. I just hate it. I hate the feeling of being tied down, or held back by something, anything.
I don't know why, I just feel like I'm less free. Or...that I'm not as free as I know I should be. I'm young and thumping out of my pants. I NEED to be reckless and irresponsible. I need to be out with my friends, polluting my days and nights with adolescent savageness. But I'm so restrained, and so controlled, and I can't find my balls to get myself together. It's pitiful really.
There's so much I want to do. But my parents, relationships, and everything else in between. I feel like it's stopping me. I don't really know what I'm saying. Or what I want to say. I just know that someone like me, shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I can end up doing unimaginable things that can tear everything apart. In a split second.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
500 Days of Eternal Sunshine
She's right. I'm vicious. Maybe that's why these are my favorite movies.
... NAH. It's just good.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I remember the first time I saw this years ago. It still hurts my heart. It reminds me.
What Sarah Said (Directions DVD)
Death Cab for Cutie | MySpace Video
What Sarah Said (Directions DVD)
Death Cab for Cutie | MySpace Video
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I Feel Like Sharing Photos From Days Ago
RV's birthday from hell. But in reality, this was her best birthday ever.
Do you know why we're all laughing? Because Dad really wanted a picture of us but we couldn't bare being in the same room as Ace and her demon rancid corn food thing and the smell of it. So we burst into laughter and tried not to breathe. She's not even in this picture cause we didn't allow her to move another foot.
That one family party when it miraculously rained, and when Kanye started being gayer than gay. Yeah I remember.
I'm always a handful, but he can never admit that.
I'm sure I have more pictures. I'll look for more!
Do you know why we're all laughing? Because Dad really wanted a picture of us but we couldn't bare being in the same room as Ace and her demon rancid corn food thing and the smell of it. So we burst into laughter and tried not to breathe. She's not even in this picture cause we didn't allow her to move another foot.
That one family party when it miraculously rained, and when Kanye started being gayer than gay. Yeah I remember.
I'm always a handful, but he can never admit that.
I'm sure I have more pictures. I'll look for more!
Ange, get it together.
Ange and Co. : Always choose happiness.
Roman: Always choose half penis.
A L W A Y S . C H O O S E . H A P P I N E S S
Roman: Always choose half penis.
A L W A Y S . C H O O S E . H A P P I N E S S
Saturday, October 31, 2009
In the past 24-hours, I spent my time sleeping. Yesterday, I had the dullest Friday anyone can ever have. Fox slept, my parents left, RV left, I watched Blithe. I didn't get to call Ian, I didn't text anyone. After I got sick of sleeping, I drowned myself in internet fascination.
And speaking of which, I'd found my Fox on fuckyearprettygirls.tumblr, and I flabbergasted like a retard. I had two thoughts in mind. Either she submitted herself with out telling me, which even in theory sounds far-fetched because she wouldn't just submitted herself with or with out telling me. The other thought was that she doesn't know any more than I do, and then once she wakes up and sees the picture, she'll shit bricks too but will be so flattered.
SO, she called around 8. saw the picture, and well... she shat bricks. And also, she was flattered, And on top of that, she was creeped out as to how they found the picture because her site is private and there was no way a bunch of strangers would find it, and post it, with out her knowing. We also had a theory that Ace submitted it. But that's so highly unlikely.
Well, she's great anyway. Don't you think she's just the most beautiful girl? I'm honored to be in her presence, so that she can grace me with her being amazing. I just lol'd at that.
Anyway, we started dozing off around ten, and then knocked out. I didn't turn off my lights, I didn't close the door, I didn't wake up in time to see Ian's call. I just slept, till 2 something. I woke up freaked out because it was 2 something and my room wasn't set for bed time. And because I had Paranormal running through my brain.
But now, I am all showered, waiting for lunch time so I can head off to Fox's and help her set everything up for firepit tonight. I'm excited.
And speaking of which, I'd found my Fox on fuckyearprettygirls.tumblr, and I flabbergasted like a retard. I had two thoughts in mind. Either she submitted herself with out telling me, which even in theory sounds far-fetched because she wouldn't just submitted herself with or with out telling me. The other thought was that she doesn't know any more than I do, and then once she wakes up and sees the picture, she'll shit bricks too but will be so flattered.
SO, she called around 8. saw the picture, and well... she shat bricks. And also, she was flattered, And on top of that, she was creeped out as to how they found the picture because her site is private and there was no way a bunch of strangers would find it, and post it, with out her knowing. We also had a theory that Ace submitted it. But that's so highly unlikely.
Well, she's great anyway. Don't you think she's just the most beautiful girl? I'm honored to be in her presence, so that she can grace me with her being amazing. I just lol'd at that.
Anyway, we started dozing off around ten, and then knocked out. I didn't turn off my lights, I didn't close the door, I didn't wake up in time to see Ian's call. I just slept, till 2 something. I woke up freaked out because it was 2 something and my room wasn't set for bed time. And because I had Paranormal running through my brain.
But now, I am all showered, waiting for lunch time so I can head off to Fox's and help her set everything up for firepit tonight. I'm excited.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I think I might need to expand my options when it comes to company. I don't want to miss out on anything. Sometimes I feel like I am. But then there are days when I see that I really haven't. Outside of Adrian and Fox, I don't want to do anything else. This is never good for me. Never good for anyone. It's good to spread out my sources of happiness.
I miss the guys, the group. I miss Tyler, and I miss everything that comes along with it. They seem far away for some reason, but I'm completely aware that if I reach out, they'll reach back. I just feel caught up. I always feel caught up.
And I always miss Snow. I feel like I never get any quality time with her, just for myself. And sometimes, I just want her for myself! Aha. I keep telling myself everything will settle down, and she'll catch a good break, and we'll all be at ease.
I think I upset Ian today. Actually, I know I did. I don't know. I wasn't exactly thinking. I just did, and I always just do. And I don't know what to say...
Majority of my thoughts hover over the upcoming weekend. I'm so stoked for firepit night! I'm always stoked for firepit nights! I love smelling like smoke and gathering around the fire. I get to have all 5 of them (6 if RV included). Halloween will be cute.
I feel like shredding this town at this very moment.
This week has been so boring. Almost everything about it. Dull.
Why is nothing exciting lately?
PS. I'm gonna go get long hair. I'm sick of this hair. I'm so sick of it.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
In several days, I'll probably be ready to regurgitate music that I'm compulsively downloading. I get a sense of satisfaction when the bar hits 100%, and then I get to drag it on to the most reliable ipod in the world.
Today was my first day home in quite a long time. I've spent nearly 90% of the past two weeks with Fox. I'm happy when she's happy.
The greatest part about my day was how Adrian let me sleep on him, literally. I was just so tired, and he's just so comfortable. When he left, I crawled pitifully on my bed. And slept till it bled dark out.
Ange : Not Compelled To Blog.
Today was my first day home in quite a long time. I've spent nearly 90% of the past two weeks with Fox. I'm happy when she's happy.
The greatest part about my day was how Adrian let me sleep on him, literally. I was just so tired, and he's just so comfortable. When he left, I crawled pitifully on my bed. And slept till it bled dark out.
Ange : Not Compelled To Blog.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
405
"You keep twisting the truth"
Blogger,
Blogger,
I don't know what to say. Do you know how much has happened? How much has changed? How easily things could fall apart and fall together? I have so much to say, but I won't. Because I can't tell you. And they won't understand. And it all will just get ugly.
I'm going to get myself a hardcover journal... but with lines. Because I can never keep writing in a straight line with out the line. Oh I have so much to say.
I love when I put it in shuffle, and all of the best songs play.
I'm feeling really scattered. I want someone to talk to, and tell all of my secrets. But the right person never comes to me.
Sundays.
I'm going to get myself a hardcover journal... but with lines. Because I can never keep writing in a straight line with out the line. Oh I have so much to say.
I love when I put it in shuffle, and all of the best songs play.
I'm feeling really scattered. I want someone to talk to, and tell all of my secrets. But the right person never comes to me.
Sundays.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I'm laying in bed with The Cure singing to me about summer. It's dark in here with the blinds and with out my night light. I wish someone was here to keep my nerves calm.
I can't get myself to turn off the fan because the sound familiarizes me to sleep.
Through the blinds I can see that the sky outside is red, my favorite. This bed is heaven, but I do like to share this heaven with someone.
Tomorrow is ours.
I can't get myself to turn off the fan because the sound familiarizes me to sleep.
Through the blinds I can see that the sky outside is red, my favorite. This bed is heaven, but I do like to share this heaven with someone.
Tomorrow is ours.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Boot Camp
I can't help it. This Marines thing is really bringing me down. It makes me so sad, and so scared, and I already miss him so much.
The night of my party, his speech was the only speech that made me cry. If I didn't have the ten pound bouquet covering my face half of the time to stop the water works, I would've been a wreck dead on. My mouth became heavy at the corners, my eyes started to sting, and my heart started sinking. It always hits me. At random times even.
I can't help it. He's my best friend. He's the only that's ever really, consistently been easy, or...made things easier for me. He's my source of ease and security. I can't imagine being so down as long as I know he's my best friend. But knowing he's leaving, it's really killing me. And I have a hard time expressing that to him, because I don't know if I'm supposed to.
All I can do is support him, and hope that things will always be alright, and that he comes home whole every single time. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I know he's a big boy, and he can take care of himself, I know that. It's just... I don't know, I can't even bring myself to say it.
Summer is far from now. Winter isn't even here yet. But every day is another day closer to that fateful day. And every day my heart breaks a little bit more.
I hate falling asleep thinking of this.
The night of my party, his speech was the only speech that made me cry. If I didn't have the ten pound bouquet covering my face half of the time to stop the water works, I would've been a wreck dead on. My mouth became heavy at the corners, my eyes started to sting, and my heart started sinking. It always hits me. At random times even.
I can't help it. He's my best friend. He's the only that's ever really, consistently been easy, or...made things easier for me. He's my source of ease and security. I can't imagine being so down as long as I know he's my best friend. But knowing he's leaving, it's really killing me. And I have a hard time expressing that to him, because I don't know if I'm supposed to.
All I can do is support him, and hope that things will always be alright, and that he comes home whole every single time. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I know he's a big boy, and he can take care of himself, I know that. It's just... I don't know, I can't even bring myself to say it.
Summer is far from now. Winter isn't even here yet. But every day is another day closer to that fateful day. And every day my heart breaks a little bit more.
I hate falling asleep thinking of this.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Internet isnt exactly down, I'm just too comfortable to get out of bed.
Last night was the night. It was stressful and hectic and majority of the night I was wishing I was in bed. Still fun.
I thank everyone for coming and my court for putting up with everything. But most importantly I thank my parents for being the best parents.
18 feels nice.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I Just Had The Best Birthday Of My Life
All thanks to all of my best friends.
I have never been that speechless before. I have never felt so vital, so important, so significant, so loved ever. E V E R.
My room is beautiful. My life is beautiful. I wish I can explain in words how I feel, but I really can't. I really can't. This was so unexpected, and so amazing of them. I love this.
I was semi-depressed all week you know? Worried about turning 18. Worried about adding on to my bad birthdays streak. And even at school today I pouted. But I came home, stepped into my room. And seeing how beautiful they've done everything. My bad birthday streak didn't continue this year. Oh my heart...
I owe so many thanks to so many people. My heart is just bursting with joy. This is the best birthday that I have ever had. Ever. And I didn't even cry out of sadness this year, at all. Everyone knows I cry every year. But this year. I am so full of happiness.
All thanks to
Josh Batacan
Joyce Keokham
RV
Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart
Makayla Dias
and of course the mastermind of the operation
Adrian Del Fierro.
And everyone else that contributed to my happiness, thank you so so much.
And of course to all that wished me a happy birthday. All the scattered texts that I received and all of the "Oh it's your birthday?!"
I'd show you pictures, but neh. They did it for ME. So it's mine all mine tonight. And besides, Ace did all the photography/videography therefore I don't have any.
I will sleep a good, 18 year-old sleep tonight. On my new bed! And my new sheets! And my new pillow! Staring at all the pictures! Listening to record player!
I love you all so much.
I'm complete, absolutely and hysterically complete.
My room is beautiful. My life is beautiful. I wish I can explain in words how I feel, but I really can't. I really can't. This was so unexpected, and so amazing of them. I love this.
I was semi-depressed all week you know? Worried about turning 18. Worried about adding on to my bad birthdays streak. And even at school today I pouted. But I came home, stepped into my room. And seeing how beautiful they've done everything. My bad birthday streak didn't continue this year. Oh my heart...
I owe so many thanks to so many people. My heart is just bursting with joy. This is the best birthday that I have ever had. Ever. And I didn't even cry out of sadness this year, at all. Everyone knows I cry every year. But this year. I am so full of happiness.
All thanks to
Josh Batacan
Joyce Keokham
RV
Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart
Makayla Dias
and of course the mastermind of the operation
Adrian Del Fierro.
And everyone else that contributed to my happiness, thank you so so much.
And of course to all that wished me a happy birthday. All the scattered texts that I received and all of the "Oh it's your birthday?!"
I'd show you pictures, but neh. They did it for ME. So it's mine all mine tonight. And besides, Ace did all the photography/videography therefore I don't have any.
I will sleep a good, 18 year-old sleep tonight. On my new bed! And my new sheets! And my new pillow! Staring at all the pictures! Listening to record player!
I love you all so much.
I'm complete, absolutely and hysterically complete.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I'm In Awe.
I spent the last day of being seventeen pouring my heart out, like I wasn't afraid of anything at all.
God you're amazing...
God you're amazing...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Ange sucks.
A thousand apologies to the man in my life.
This will all be over soon.
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Ange sucks.
A thousand apologies to the man in my life.
This will all be over soon.
Well,
Nothing is as boring as other people's dreams, still true. But I can't get myself to finish this book.
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
I'm getting really bored with everything, I'll be honest. I need something new before I make a mess out of things.
Nothing is as boring as other people's dreams, still true. But I can't get myself to finish this book.
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
I'm getting really bored with everything, I'll be honest. I need something new before I make a mess out of things.
Monday, October 12, 2009
You,
It doesn't feel like we have time at all. And I want to stop and just drop everything for you, but it can't work that way, and I know I have to be patient, and I know I have to keep at it. But this is dragging on, and knowing myself, I tend to start changing.
And you,
We have to start always choosing happiness again. These weekends have been sulked and are worrying me. But undoubtedly, we still have the best times together. We Always Choose Happiness. It's a summer promise.
And you,
We have to start always choosing happiness again. These weekends have been sulked and are worrying me. But undoubtedly, we still have the best times together. We Always Choose Happiness. It's a summer promise.
W.
PS. I love you both dearly.
I'm sitting outside a tiny tiny cafe within SFO.
I know I should be happy but there's something about airports that feel like sadness. It's gray and metallic everywhere, speckled floors with scuff marks and baggage-wheel trails.
This reminds me of when I'd left the Philippines 8 years ago. Arguably one of the saddest moments of my life. And it reminds of two winters ago when I had to leave my life for a little while. Finally, I can't escape the reminder of when Adrian will soon have to leave.
Maybe if I see more of them smile, I'll want to smile too. Or maybe when I see her walking towards us with her luggage, it'll hit me, and I'll burst into smiles.
This reminds me of when I'd left the Philippines 8 years ago. Arguably one of the saddest moments of my life. And it reminds of two winters ago when I had to leave my life for a little while. Finally, I can't escape the reminder of when Adrian will soon have to leave.
Maybe if I see more of them smile, I'll want to smile too. Or maybe when I see her walking towards us with her luggage, it'll hit me, and I'll burst into smiles.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Damn It.
My parents got creative. The door frames in the hallways are now brown. Motherfucking brown. My room is now accented like it's a happy forest, and RV's looks like mint candy.
This is by far the ugliest idea that my parents have ever had. But they seem to be for it. I am wondering what they were both on when they decided to do this. I feel like I'm in the 70's. Our house lost its simplicity. Now parts of it are just straight up ugly.
Oh god damnit.
This is by far the ugliest idea that my parents have ever had. But they seem to be for it. I am wondering what they were both on when they decided to do this. I feel like I'm in the 70's. Our house lost its simplicity. Now parts of it are just straight up ugly.
Oh god damnit.
GOOD MORNING
My dreams are confusing me. And TapTap still makes me really anxious. And the smell of paint smells like that summer that RV said I could've died. They're painting the hallways white, and it's even whiter now.
I need a haircut because these old hairs are taking me down, and I need to stay on top.
I need a haircut because these old hairs are taking me down, and I need to stay on top.
It was firepit night.
I'm at the cold of my room and I smell smoked again. I like the sounds of crackling fire. And I like the people that surrounded me. But there's something so unfortunately sad about tonight, and I wish I'd never left her house.
Because now I can be unfortunately sad in my own quarters, with this song repeating over and over...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Dear Snow,
I wish you were there last night too.
You would've been the one to fill the empty seat in Tami's car that we all know belongs to you.
You would've been the one to fill the empty seat in Tami's car that we all know belongs to you.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Company Calls Epilogue
At the end of the day, I end up here.
Sometimes, there's too much dusts on my floor and I can't function right. Like I'm thinking of all the wrong things, and then I look down and see that on top of the dusts are my clothes from the day or the days before. Days like that, I'm on the blacks and whites. And I get sad when I hear a sad song, excessively. Or I lose myself in my happiness, limp on my bed, and I don't do anything.
But like now, the wood of my floors are spotless. My clothes are collected in two hampers, and I'm replaying this album over and over. I'm feeling right, and I'm thinking right. And even when I hear this song, I'm not as sad, and I'm not as thoughtful. It isn't as interesting. It's just good. Because like the lady from Costco once said, Nothing is ever interesting, it's just good (or bad) I presumed.
Soon, more dust will collect with out me.
But like now, the wood of my floors are spotless. My clothes are collected in two hampers, and I'm replaying this album over and over. I'm feeling right, and I'm thinking right. And even when I hear this song, I'm not as sad, and I'm not as thoughtful. It isn't as interesting. It's just good. Because like the lady from Costco once said, Nothing is ever interesting, it's just good (or bad) I presumed.
Soon, more dust will collect with out me.
Hi Blogger,
I am in class, lacking in giraffe love, meaning I don't have my pencils which mean I am excessively anxious.
I am also out of aloe juice. I'm using a yellow .7 pencil with skulls decorated around it.
But the worse part about this all is that this is the first day that I am not wearing eyeliner. I don't know why it makes all the difference but I feel like it does.
This has been fun.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Fox is extraordinarily sound asleep next to me. She's so asleep that I don't even want to wake her to cuddle.
But my sister just played New American Classic and I feel exceptionally sad.
She kept saying, "You could've died that summer." And I don't quite know what she means by that. But I'm getting the idea that she has an idea of how painful that summer was.
I want to sleep.
Dear Blogger,
I am currently in bed with Fox. She's trying her hardest not to fall asleep. And a few feet from us is RV on the laptop playing TBS and I love Adam.
This is the first time that I will be posting a blog via text and this just isn't the same. But I still happen to like it.
RV just warned me that she will be playing Slow Dance on the Inside, and to brace myself.
I think I'll cower now, or keep Fox awake.
This has been fun.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Who's Looking At The Same Moon?
It's so close and so warm on this nearly-really-chilly night.
I saw it shining through the curtains and the blinds from my living room, and my heart was pounding when I glanced. I love how these things take my breath away. And I wonder, who else could feel the same. And then I wonder if anyone is looking up at all. And then I feel silly, because I just want to call someone, or even desperately text them, just to say what I have to say.
To say that it's things like these that tingle under my skin, and make me smile to myself, and cherish every little thing that I have to cherish. And it's these things that stay in the taste of my mouth, tapping on my toes.
But I stayed silent. I thought it deserved my peace.
My quiet peace.
So I sat back down on the couch where I'd left my mark, where my thoughts immediately, habitually, willingly, and naturally led me to the man in my life.
To say that it's things like these that tingle under my skin, and make me smile to myself, and cherish every little thing that I have to cherish. And it's these things that stay in the taste of my mouth, tapping on my toes.
But I stayed silent. I thought it deserved my peace.
My quiet peace.
So I sat back down on the couch where I'd left my mark, where my thoughts immediately, habitually, willingly, and naturally led me to the man in my life.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Today I Thought About My Turning 18
And I got excited.
And I think about how much will really change in the house, and how much difference there will really be with the way my parents treat me. A part of me is convinced that they will be aware that I should be more free to do what I please. I'd paid my 18 years' dues, and it's time that they no longer tell me when to sleep, or restrict my outings with friends, which are always, no matter whom I am with, harmless and ...sober. Ha.
Then there's a part of me that thinks there will be no difference. That for as long as I live under this roof, I will have to abide by the rules that the rest of my siblings follow. That they'll just lecture me, or guilt trip me, or relentlessly STAY ON MY GRIND.
I'm a good kid. I can say that. I'm a lazy kid, but I am a good kid. Sometimes I think my parents don't give me enough credit, and I think that they've misunderstood the way I am. But then again, I don't really think they know much of who I am. And this will always make me sad.
Eleven more days, and after that, thirteen more days until the party is off my back. And I just can't wait for that.
Then there's a part of me that thinks there will be no difference. That for as long as I live under this roof, I will have to abide by the rules that the rest of my siblings follow. That they'll just lecture me, or guilt trip me, or relentlessly STAY ON MY GRIND.
I'm a good kid. I can say that. I'm a lazy kid, but I am a good kid. Sometimes I think my parents don't give me enough credit, and I think that they've misunderstood the way I am. But then again, I don't really think they know much of who I am. And this will always make me sad.
Eleven more days, and after that, thirteen more days until the party is off my back. And I just can't wait for that.
"Nothing Is As Boring As Other People's Dreams"
-John Green, Paper Towns.
And I intend on not talking about my dream, but it's kind of haunting me. It has been for approximately an hour and a half. In other words, when I woke up.
Maybe not haunting, but it's stuck in my head. And generally, I forget my dreams. I hardly remember them. Especially since I no longer have a dream catcher, I've been dreamless. And by dreamless I probably mean I just haven't remembered any.
I dreamt about you, and it scared me. Because we were supposed to be alone, but we weren't. And we were in your room, and it was bright, but it was supposed to be dark, and your eyes look exactly as I had remembered them. And I was almost certain that they had changed.
It went from good, to bad, to worse, to really bad, to relief, to confusion. I was disoriented almost the whole time. The things you said, the things I said. The things we did. And the way you cried as you said the things you said, and the way I stared at you astonished because I had never expected that, not even in my dreams. Because you would never.
And I was warm and sad, I remember I could feel the sadness on my face as I supported myself up with my elbows so I could see you. And I listened, and you were so sad. And I wanted to fix things but I didn't know what to say.
It was strange because you felt exactly the same. And I was beside you and felt exactly the same as it would have always been. But I knew things weren't the same. Because at the foot of the bed showed up Fox, and she reminded me of my life, and I wanted to go. And I didn't want to stay knowing we're wrong.
And it faded from there, and I woke up, and I felt sad, and I remembered you and you felt sad, and you felt the same, and smelled the same, and your eyes were the same, the same brown, but I left and I don't know what happened to you from there, but now I'm wondering why I'm remembering a dream that was of you, but I haven't remembered a dream of mine in months because your dream catcher went down, and I looked up as I laid thoughtful and certainly it wasn't there.
But like I left your room in my dream, I stood up and left mine to forget that I had a dream at all.
It's freezing.
Maybe not haunting, but it's stuck in my head. And generally, I forget my dreams. I hardly remember them. Especially since I no longer have a dream catcher, I've been dreamless. And by dreamless I probably mean I just haven't remembered any.
I dreamt about you, and it scared me. Because we were supposed to be alone, but we weren't. And we were in your room, and it was bright, but it was supposed to be dark, and your eyes look exactly as I had remembered them. And I was almost certain that they had changed.
It went from good, to bad, to worse, to really bad, to relief, to confusion. I was disoriented almost the whole time. The things you said, the things I said. The things we did. And the way you cried as you said the things you said, and the way I stared at you astonished because I had never expected that, not even in my dreams. Because you would never.
And I was warm and sad, I remember I could feel the sadness on my face as I supported myself up with my elbows so I could see you. And I listened, and you were so sad. And I wanted to fix things but I didn't know what to say.
It was strange because you felt exactly the same. And I was beside you and felt exactly the same as it would have always been. But I knew things weren't the same. Because at the foot of the bed showed up Fox, and she reminded me of my life, and I wanted to go. And I didn't want to stay knowing we're wrong.
And it faded from there, and I woke up, and I felt sad, and I remembered you and you felt sad, and you felt the same, and smelled the same, and your eyes were the same, the same brown, but I left and I don't know what happened to you from there, but now I'm wondering why I'm remembering a dream that was of you, but I haven't remembered a dream of mine in months because your dream catcher went down, and I looked up as I laid thoughtful and certainly it wasn't there.
But like I left your room in my dream, I stood up and left mine to forget that I had a dream at all.
It's freezing.
Jabe Says He Reads My Blogs Everyday
And it made me happy, so I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to him,
My best friend JB.
My best friend JB.
Last night he came over at 10something with Bucket. He was lacking in movies and food, and Fox and I were dying in my room. Sadly, we weren't just dying, we were slightly pitiful. The mood, the night, the music, it all just didn't fit right for a happy night. But once Jabe stepped through the front door, we were light again.
In the living room, he stood the way he always stands. He fit in my living room just right, like he fit being with us, because Jabe fits in with everyone. For an hour, we spent a quiet living room night not watching movies or eating unlike as planned. He told us about college, about Kris, about work, about his brothers, about the people that he despised. And we listened because he's so animated. And he always makes us laugh, always. Always.
And we all shared bits and pieces of ourselves.
I found that I can't be sad or mad around him. He is the lightest and what someone would describe as "chill". And that's why our first whole summer together, I refer to as Jawsh Summer, the Chill Summer. We can be serious with out being serious. It's his IDGAF self that blends well, but in reality he does care, well, with me at least I can feel that.
Last night he was asking himself why Kris had chosen him. What he had that [list fellas' names here] didn't have. And we never gave him a straight answer because the conversation branched out to him being a nerd, and the situations that in fact would prove him a nerd. But that led to other discussions about the unrelated.
I think... that they just found each other. I think that's how most couples are. You don't necessarily choose. When you've come to love someone, it's since they've found one another. And the negative things that we could say about ourselves won't matter so much because the other would love us the same anyway. And they love us with all the imperfections and flaws that we have.
JB is the best. And that's why he's my best friend. I'm always so proud of him, and he always cares about me. And I'm lucky enough for that because he doesn't care about too much. And he always surprises me. He'll tell me the best things at the most unpredictable moments, and they're rare enough and amazing enough that you could catch me sleeping with a creepy smile on my face.
He loves me like an Angie,
and it's perfect.
In the living room, he stood the way he always stands. He fit in my living room just right, like he fit being with us, because Jabe fits in with everyone. For an hour, we spent a quiet living room night not watching movies or eating unlike as planned. He told us about college, about Kris, about work, about his brothers, about the people that he despised. And we listened because he's so animated. And he always makes us laugh, always. Always.
And we all shared bits and pieces of ourselves.
I found that I can't be sad or mad around him. He is the lightest and what someone would describe as "chill". And that's why our first whole summer together, I refer to as Jawsh Summer, the Chill Summer. We can be serious with out being serious. It's his IDGAF self that blends well, but in reality he does care, well, with me at least I can feel that.
Last night he was asking himself why Kris had chosen him. What he had that [list fellas' names here] didn't have. And we never gave him a straight answer because the conversation branched out to him being a nerd, and the situations that in fact would prove him a nerd. But that led to other discussions about the unrelated.
I think... that they just found each other. I think that's how most couples are. You don't necessarily choose. When you've come to love someone, it's since they've found one another. And the negative things that we could say about ourselves won't matter so much because the other would love us the same anyway. And they love us with all the imperfections and flaws that we have.
JB is the best. And that's why he's my best friend. I'm always so proud of him, and he always cares about me. And I'm lucky enough for that because he doesn't care about too much. And he always surprises me. He'll tell me the best things at the most unpredictable moments, and they're rare enough and amazing enough that you could catch me sleeping with a creepy smile on my face.
He loves me like an Angie,
and it's perfect.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Is This Heartburn?
It hurts all over my body. On top of that, my sinuses are worsening, and my migraines are increasing.
Rehearsal today made me want to kill myself. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING. But at least we got to somewhere, which, I'm content with. The waltz makes me feel soooo silly, but it's kind of nice. Everyone made it today, which made me VERY happy. But handling 32 teenagers, wow.
I want to go to sleep and stop thinking about this but the pain in my body, and the two bodies sleeping on my tiny ass bed are stopping me from doing so.
I can't wait till this is all over. Next rehearsal, next rehearsal will be so much smoother, it WILL be.
Je suis fatiguee.
Rehearsal today made me want to kill myself. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING. But at least we got to somewhere, which, I'm content with. The waltz makes me feel soooo silly, but it's kind of nice. Everyone made it today, which made me VERY happy. But handling 32 teenagers, wow.
I want to go to sleep and stop thinking about this but the pain in my body, and the two bodies sleeping on my tiny ass bed are stopping me from doing so.
I can't wait till this is all over. Next rehearsal, next rehearsal will be so much smoother, it WILL be.
Je suis fatiguee.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Hey there Blogger
I just feel like telling everyone.
Everyone, Taylor Snow received freedom today. LICENSE! She beat both her senior best friends, UH HUH. You shine Snow!
And...
She found a poem online with my name on it by luck. It's an elegy! she keeps exclaiming aha.
angie. noone knows what really happened to her. all they know that she was naked and dead. some people say it. was foul play some people say. it was a blood vessel in her head. but then i began to have these wierd dreams about her. some beautiful some horrible. but how do we know whats real and whats a fantasy. when angie's not here to tell.
She says it's creepy, and I really like it. I think I might love it.
Rehearsals tomorrow, RSVP SLAVES.
The waltz songs that my father chose are so silly. But I get to choose the opening song. Yeah Yeah Yeah's on MINE.
Yeah yeah, good night.
And...
She found a poem online with my name on it by luck. It's an elegy! she keeps exclaiming aha.
angie. noone knows what really happened to her. all they know that she was naked and dead. some people say it. was foul play some people say. it was a blood vessel in her head. but then i began to have these wierd dreams about her. some beautiful some horrible. but how do we know whats real and whats a fantasy. when angie's not here to tell.
She says it's creepy, and I really like it. I think I might love it.
Rehearsals tomorrow, RSVP SLAVES.
The waltz songs that my father chose are so silly. But I get to choose the opening song. Yeah Yeah Yeah's on MINE.
Yeah yeah, good night.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Dear Blogger,
I'm going to end up writing about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have, or the pretty weather that's making me want to write about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have.
So, since this happiness isn't wearing off, then that's that.
TIRED.
So, since this happiness isn't wearing off, then that's that.
TIRED.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Title Track
I was in detention today, and I left in the middle of it. Because of this, the rest of the detained students earned ten extra minutes in the round room. Shit goes down like rubble. AlrightIfeltalittlebitbadkindofnotreallynojustkidding I didn't at all.
My hand smells like pizza even after my shower because for dinner tonight, RV cooked the pizza with out thawing it which made it excessively wet and soggy, while lukewarm of course. I don't know what to say, I just want to talk. I've been coming across a lot of softcore porn you know? Good god Tumblr..
Oh hey the weather still feels good.
We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes
The weather is all the rage, and I'm going with its flow.
This is what I'm talking about. The brisk cold never falters to bring me to my soft sides, to my sweet sounds, to my covers, to their covers. To their clothes that remind of the way they smell. I'm so surprised. I'm so surprised at how in love I am with this cold.
It's so much easier to miss the man in my life this way. Oh, my heart aches in the best ways.
ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE.
It's so much easier to miss the man in my life this way. Oh, my heart aches in the best ways.
ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE.
Monday, September 28, 2009
My Best Boy
"I do love you like an Angie because I wouldn't love you any other way. You aren't a sister to me but neither an attraction. You are simply Angie to me.
And it's perfect."
JB always knows.
Friends like mine.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Meetings
It's always so hot when we all swarm my living room. Breathing in each other's heat, chomping at each others' statements, and I am always playing with my temples, like that'd bribe away my accumulating frustrations.
But then I look over to you sitting there, squeezed by the fives of them, like a shy, shining child. The tiniest sardine among the largest ones in the can. It wasn't your scene, and it wasn't hers either. But I found the most encouragement from the tiniest wrinkle of your smiles that you toss my way. And my temples felt independent, and I was fine again, just for a second.
I found that your smile lines keep me so sane.
I hate to be so selfish, but I want your smile lines to remain just for me.
Goodnight.
But then I look over to you sitting there, squeezed by the fives of them, like a shy, shining child. The tiniest sardine among the largest ones in the can. It wasn't your scene, and it wasn't hers either. But I found the most encouragement from the tiniest wrinkle of your smiles that you toss my way. And my temples felt independent, and I was fine again, just for a second.
I found that your smile lines keep me so sane.
I hate to be so selfish, but I want your smile lines to remain just for me.
Goodnight.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Stone Fox
Today was the first day that I'd ever seen you cry. I squinted through my eyes, as you smeared tears on yourself. I hated that feeling, I hated it. I felt enraged, and I had a slight strange feeling of vengeance. I wanted to take you way away right then, just so you'd never be that broken.
I love you, you know? I hope our day together has provided you with enough laughs that filled you with our kind of happiness. Because today, we had spleen-splitting laughs and food children that were kicking to explode. I really hope so.
My best friend shits on everyone, you know? She has these huge eyes that are sometimes green, and sometimes brown, with an orange exploding in the center. Today they were brown, and today I saw them sad. But you know, she has a pet peeve for big eyes, isn't she strange?
And she smells like home, not Ange's house. But she smells like home. Homey? She thinks I'm really nice, and she laughs at all my jokes even if I know they're ridiculous. And we're always making faces at each other, but she's really fun. She always knows what I'm talking about when I'm talking to myself about an inside something. I still flabbergast when I think about how she loves Lacey too. She loves that dance with Kameron too. And she couldn't stop watching that video too.
She's honest, with all sincerity, with all her embarrassing little admissions, with all the opinions that her cranium's got. I've never been able to tell someone so much, with out fear of offending them or scaring them away or being misunderstood in such an extent. I have no idea where she came from, I really don't.
I hope I don't see her cry again soon, unless it's because she's so happy. Because we're always so happy. And she's always so cuddly. And she always talks about how much she loves Adrian. And how good Adrian is. And how mature he is, and how he never complains or curses, and how he treats me really nice, and how he's SO nice, even if he thinks he's an asshole. And how they can be friends with out it being awkward, because he talks to her like a friend. And I love the both of them. So much. And she loves Jabe too. She knows how much I love him, and now she knows why, and now we make a good trio/quartet when Ace is alive.
She's always open to things/people that I love, and she becomes a part of many aspects of Ange. Because she bothers to be in my life. And she walks to my house even when she's hella sad, and I get to make her feel better. When she first came in my room today, she said hi to me, and then broke into tears. And I felt the way I felt when I saw Jabe cry that one day. And I wanted to do something about but I couldn't. So I just held her like I held Jabe. And my best friends are the best I could have, and I'm typing so fast right now because I'm babbling like an idiot, but I don't know, I have so much to say because I'm so happy about everything, and I'm so in love with everything, and I can't stop thinking about the greatness of everything because nothing is ever shitty anymore, no matter which day it is, and what happens. Oh man oh man oh man oh man.
One day, Fox and I are going to have a pair of French Bull Dogs, and they're going to be good buddies, and we'll have play dates. We're saving up, mhm!
Yeah, my best friend shits on everyone. My best friends shit on everyone. My darling shits on everyone. My life shits on everything. I need to go to sleep, or calm down or something because the Opera Cake is giving me a gooooood sugar rush, like the past nights have been giving me sugar rushes because Fox and RV and I keep going to french bakeries and we buy desserts that are filling and so sweet and so good and man oh man, We Laugh Indoors.
Fox, you're the best. I love your bitch ass, your ass that is HELLA high bro! RV and I can't help but be friends with it.
HYSTERIC!
H A P P Y .
I love you, you know? I hope our day together has provided you with enough laughs that filled you with our kind of happiness. Because today, we had spleen-splitting laughs and food children that were kicking to explode. I really hope so.
My best friend shits on everyone, you know? She has these huge eyes that are sometimes green, and sometimes brown, with an orange exploding in the center. Today they were brown, and today I saw them sad. But you know, she has a pet peeve for big eyes, isn't she strange?
And she smells like home, not Ange's house. But she smells like home. Homey? She thinks I'm really nice, and she laughs at all my jokes even if I know they're ridiculous. And we're always making faces at each other, but she's really fun. She always knows what I'm talking about when I'm talking to myself about an inside something. I still flabbergast when I think about how she loves Lacey too. She loves that dance with Kameron too. And she couldn't stop watching that video too.
She's honest, with all sincerity, with all her embarrassing little admissions, with all the opinions that her cranium's got. I've never been able to tell someone so much, with out fear of offending them or scaring them away or being misunderstood in such an extent. I have no idea where she came from, I really don't.
I hope I don't see her cry again soon, unless it's because she's so happy. Because we're always so happy. And she's always so cuddly. And she always talks about how much she loves Adrian. And how good Adrian is. And how mature he is, and how he never complains or curses, and how he treats me really nice, and how he's SO nice, even if he thinks he's an asshole. And how they can be friends with out it being awkward, because he talks to her like a friend. And I love the both of them. So much. And she loves Jabe too. She knows how much I love him, and now she knows why, and now we make a good trio/quartet when Ace is alive.
She's always open to things/people that I love, and she becomes a part of many aspects of Ange. Because she bothers to be in my life. And she walks to my house even when she's hella sad, and I get to make her feel better. When she first came in my room today, she said hi to me, and then broke into tears. And I felt the way I felt when I saw Jabe cry that one day. And I wanted to do something about but I couldn't. So I just held her like I held Jabe. And my best friends are the best I could have, and I'm typing so fast right now because I'm babbling like an idiot, but I don't know, I have so much to say because I'm so happy about everything, and I'm so in love with everything, and I can't stop thinking about the greatness of everything because nothing is ever shitty anymore, no matter which day it is, and what happens. Oh man oh man oh man oh man.
One day, Fox and I are going to have a pair of French Bull Dogs, and they're going to be good buddies, and we'll have play dates. We're saving up, mhm!
Yeah, my best friend shits on everyone. My best friends shit on everyone. My darling shits on everyone. My life shits on everything. I need to go to sleep, or calm down or something because the Opera Cake is giving me a gooooood sugar rush, like the past nights have been giving me sugar rushes because Fox and RV and I keep going to french bakeries and we buy desserts that are filling and so sweet and so good and man oh man, We Laugh Indoors.
Fox, you're the best. I love your bitch ass, your ass that is HELLA high bro! RV and I can't help but be friends with it.
HYSTERIC!
H A P P Y .
Lamps
I felt my smile lighten my face as I stared at the lamps, dimmed and intimate. Like I was sitting next to you, darling. Like you were smiling at me smile.
The chairs were emptied and sighing in relief at the day’s end. I rested my head on the booth, and thought about us sitting on those chairs happily, filling them in detail with the happiness that could only be us. And we’d sit and talk and stay until they asked us to leave. And we’d smile at the waiter, sharing a secretive agreement between us, and he’d understand, I’m sure he would.
And then those chairs would be empty again for the night until the next two people who sit and talk and smile at one another will stay on the chairs until the waiter asks them to leave. And the waiter would understand, he really should.
The two would walk away, like we would the night before. Arms around each other, and exchanging satisfactions. You’d open the door for us, and we’d stay out the night, walking and talking and playing and loving.
It’d be cold, and my hands would be frozen to the tips. But you’d hold them any way, and kiss them when you find my eyes. I’d say you’re mine, and you’d say ‘I know’. And I’d show you my teeth, and you’d show me yours, and we’d stay gleaming and chasing breaths.
But unlike those nights, I sat there staring at the lamps because they were dimmed and intimate. Because there were chairs that looked like our happiness. And the waiter would know that we love each other. And we’d leave with the lights turning off behind us. So I only stared and smiled. And then I missed you. And I wished you really were there, smiling at my smile, and staying.
I had a good night with you even when you weren’t there.
The chairs were emptied and sighing in relief at the day’s end. I rested my head on the booth, and thought about us sitting on those chairs happily, filling them in detail with the happiness that could only be us. And we’d sit and talk and stay until they asked us to leave. And we’d smile at the waiter, sharing a secretive agreement between us, and he’d understand, I’m sure he would.
And then those chairs would be empty again for the night until the next two people who sit and talk and smile at one another will stay on the chairs until the waiter asks them to leave. And the waiter would understand, he really should.
The two would walk away, like we would the night before. Arms around each other, and exchanging satisfactions. You’d open the door for us, and we’d stay out the night, walking and talking and playing and loving.
It’d be cold, and my hands would be frozen to the tips. But you’d hold them any way, and kiss them when you find my eyes. I’d say you’re mine, and you’d say ‘I know’. And I’d show you my teeth, and you’d show me yours, and we’d stay gleaming and chasing breaths.
But unlike those nights, I sat there staring at the lamps because they were dimmed and intimate. Because there were chairs that looked like our happiness. And the waiter would know that we love each other. And we’d leave with the lights turning off behind us. So I only stared and smiled. And then I missed you. And I wished you really were there, smiling at my smile, and staying.
I had a good night with you even when you weren’t there.
Sleep Through The Static
I only woke up once last night, around 5, realizing that the music stopped playing. I generally always wake up in the middle of the night, every few hours or so. But my sleep was just that comfortable.
The night before was magnificent. Fox, RV, and I went on a restaurant hunt. Our first destination was this bakery at Pacific Commons. We did desserts before dinner, ruined our appetites, but ran around crossing intersections like a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song was encouraging us to.
2nd destination was Panera. I've never been to Panera that late before. I couldn't eat dinner, the taste of Tiramisu lingered. And there we sat till dark, talking and laughing and Dr. Seuss...?[:
I used to not be fond of Friday nights. But they've been the best in this new life.
Bread, Jazz, and winter talk.
The night before was magnificent. Fox, RV, and I went on a restaurant hunt. Our first destination was this bakery at Pacific Commons. We did desserts before dinner, ruined our appetites, but ran around crossing intersections like a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song was encouraging us to.
2nd destination was Panera. I've never been to Panera that late before. I couldn't eat dinner, the taste of Tiramisu lingered. And there we sat till dark, talking and laughing and Dr. Seuss...?[:
I used to not be fond of Friday nights. But they've been the best in this new life.
Bread, Jazz, and winter talk.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
We Use Each Other For Sex
Except for today.
Because today, we went on a zombie hunt. The zombies got me, and the day wasn't so good, but it was still so good. You know? You don't get it. It's alright. I'll take a shower.
PS. Darling, I'm on my toes.
PS. Darling, I'm on my toes.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Hello Afternoon, Kiss My Shades
I'm alone in my room again. Nothing significant happened today. In fact, the day passed so quickly that I found myself home watching The Cable Guy, thinking whether or not I should come back to school to the people that I love. But I'd forgotten that today was a short day. So I stayed here.
One of my favorite things: Alone time.
On days like these, when my friends are out and about, and my man is doing his thing, I like being home with my music. I like sitting on the porch until my arse hurts. I like grunting about the motorcycles that speed by obnoxiously. I like guessing whether the next passerby will wave back to me, or ignore me like the majority of them. I like singing songs in my head that get me so into it that I end up singing out loud. I love it when someone familiar texts me to say that they see me porch monkeying.
Sometimes, I like to lay on the couch, pretending I'd fallen asleep. When really, I'm daydreaming about Adrian. And before I know it, I really do fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up to his calls saying that he's stopping by. Sometimes I wake up and it's dinner time. Sometimes I wake up, and another face is just staring at me, wondering how long I'd been asleep. And sometimes, I wake up and I have an errand to run.
The best part about being alone is thinking about everyone. And thinking about how...I'm not just infinitely complete. I'm not just joyously happy. I'm balanced. I'm centered. I am not driven to insecurities, insanity, and doubt. My best friends, my man, they don't make me feel like I'm crazy. They don't drive me to do crazy things or be crazymadbitchthatthrowsafitabouteverythingandpicksfightsandthinksselfishlyandclosemindedly Or even be mad, or upset, or sad, or anything negative about any damn thing because I don't want to miss any time. I just feel good about myself. No weight on my shoulders.
I found my right balance now. My better kind of peace. My better kind of aches. My better kind of love.
I keep thinking to myself, what if I'd found myself earlier before? Where I am now, this is the change that I always just dreamt to be. This is the change that I always put on my list before summer began. To "change, be better" I used to write. Everything that has happened the past years of my life, when I used to feel like the sickest person on the face of this place, well it's all worth it now. Where I am now is the best place anyone could be.
This is the peak of happiness, and it's not wearing off.
I PUKE FLOWERS AND BUTTERFLIES.
Hand in glove
The sun shines out of our behinds
No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us
Hand in glove
We can go wherever we please
And everything depends upon
How near you stand to me
And if the people stare
Then the people stare
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care
On days like these, when my friends are out and about, and my man is doing his thing, I like being home with my music. I like sitting on the porch until my arse hurts. I like grunting about the motorcycles that speed by obnoxiously. I like guessing whether the next passerby will wave back to me, or ignore me like the majority of them. I like singing songs in my head that get me so into it that I end up singing out loud. I love it when someone familiar texts me to say that they see me porch monkeying.
Sometimes, I like to lay on the couch, pretending I'd fallen asleep. When really, I'm daydreaming about Adrian. And before I know it, I really do fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up to his calls saying that he's stopping by. Sometimes I wake up and it's dinner time. Sometimes I wake up, and another face is just staring at me, wondering how long I'd been asleep. And sometimes, I wake up and I have an errand to run.
The best part about being alone is thinking about everyone. And thinking about how...I'm not just infinitely complete. I'm not just joyously happy. I'm balanced. I'm centered. I am not driven to insecurities, insanity, and doubt. My best friends, my man, they don't make me feel like I'm crazy. They don't drive me to do crazy things or be crazymadbitchthatthrowsafitabouteverythingandpicksfightsandthinksselfishlyandclosemindedly Or even be mad, or upset, or sad, or anything negative about any damn thing because I don't want to miss any time. I just feel good about myself. No weight on my shoulders.
I found my right balance now. My better kind of peace. My better kind of aches. My better kind of love.
I keep thinking to myself, what if I'd found myself earlier before? Where I am now, this is the change that I always just dreamt to be. This is the change that I always put on my list before summer began. To "change, be better" I used to write. Everything that has happened the past years of my life, when I used to feel like the sickest person on the face of this place, well it's all worth it now. Where I am now is the best place anyone could be.
This is the peak of happiness, and it's not wearing off.
I PUKE FLOWERS AND BUTTERFLIES.
Hand in glove
The sun shines out of our behinds
No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us
Hand in glove
We can go wherever we please
And everything depends upon
How near you stand to me
And if the people stare
Then the people stare
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Hi I Can't Sleep
That's because I'm not trying to. But let me tell you something. Let me RANT about something.
Psychology class is a waste of my time. The instructor is a waste of my time. She does not compel me, the class does not compel me. The atmosphere is dull. Her cheap diction makes me tap my fingers on the desk. The constant, relentless reading out loud that she makes us do. Why are you making us read this out loud? Our fluency is the last of our concerns. A few, fewwww paragraphs read out loud I can deal with. But for the whole bloody block? It's horrendous. Makes me wanna ...
Makes me want to buy a dozen eggs...and fry them. ALL of them. And then eat 'em! All of 'em! With rice! Till I'm hella full! Till I'm sick to my stomach and all I can feel is the sickness in my stomach rather than knowing that I'm registered in that class. I can't even pronounce our instructor's name.
It's 11:33pm and my man has not called. I finally get to beat him to it! I never get to call him. He's so swift!
11:35pm [edited]
I just checked my phone, damn it. I have a missed call from him. Ange loses again.
Psychology class is a waste of my time. The instructor is a waste of my time. She does not compel me, the class does not compel me. The atmosphere is dull. Her cheap diction makes me tap my fingers on the desk. The constant, relentless reading out loud that she makes us do. Why are you making us read this out loud? Our fluency is the last of our concerns. A few, fewwww paragraphs read out loud I can deal with. But for the whole bloody block? It's horrendous. Makes me wanna ...
Makes me want to buy a dozen eggs...and fry them. ALL of them. And then eat 'em! All of 'em! With rice! Till I'm hella full! Till I'm sick to my stomach and all I can feel is the sickness in my stomach rather than knowing that I'm registered in that class. I can't even pronounce our instructor's name.
It's 11:33pm and my man has not called. I finally get to beat him to it! I never get to call him. He's so swift!
11:35pm [edited]
I just checked my phone, damn it. I have a missed call from him. Ange loses again.
Today, Adrian Bought Me A Bagel And I Accepted The Cream Cheese
I never accept the cream cheese. Dina the lunch lady knows this. But today I did.
Anyway.
A few of my favorite things:
-When someone calls me "Ange"
-500 Days of Summer
-My new comforter set because it reminds me of Fox
-Seeing Snow at least once when I'm in school
-When Adrian is here for mornings
-Fox's house
-When Tami drives bawls speed
-ALOE JUICE
-Texting Ace every second when we watch our shows
-Goodnights and I love you's for Jabe
-Microsoft Word 2003
-Microsoft Word 2003
-When the family goes to Century 25
-My Nicole's x3
-Dr. Pepper and Kitkats
-Sleeping in not my clothes.
Goodnight!
Monday, September 21, 2009
It Was Because Of A $10 Bill But I'm Glad I'm Passed That Now
Last night, I called him back as I was falling into the deep of my sleep. Amusingly and sweetly, as we talked, he told me how many miles there are from here to the Philippines. I told him I wanted to know this, I just didn't know he'd really search it and tell me a precise answer.
Now I know how far we'll be away from each other. And as hysterical as I was when he told me, I felt so sad. Thousands is too much.
I remember how much I loved the Philippines when I came back there. I hope he still loves me more :D
Listen to me whine. It's still nearly 2 months away till he leaves. But I dread every day that we get closer to it.
PS. I'm preparing myself for a zombie attack. Never know when those suckers come down to town and eat my flesh.. or yours..
Now I know how far we'll be away from each other. And as hysterical as I was when he told me, I felt so sad. Thousands is too much.
I remember how much I loved the Philippines when I came back there. I hope he still loves me more :D
Listen to me whine. It's still nearly 2 months away till he leaves. But I dread every day that we get closer to it.
PS. I'm preparing myself for a zombie attack. Never know when those suckers come down to town and eat my flesh.. or yours..
It's 3:39pm
It's infuriatingly hot, and finding out that tetris is no longer on my computer just adds on to my already angry afternoon.
I want Dr. Pepper.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Shaved Ice and Naked Heat
This will sound strange coming from me, knowing me, because I am me but...
I don't want the heat anymore. I want the cold, brisk on my finger tips, and all around us. Summer is over. It's been over. I accepted that it's over because it was just that good. But I'm ready for the cold. I'm ready for autumn to be here, then the holidays, and wrap me around winter. I'm ready for a new winter, with this new love. I will stay passed the past because I don't love the past as much as I love the present anymore, or even the future.
Today was hot, too hot. Why did it have to be so hot? I didn't enjoy a second of the sun. I didn't soak myself in its glory like I would.
Yesterday as the sun set outside my window I yelled, "SUMMER'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!" And I know that it is, so why does it have to get so damn hot all of a sudden?
Aha I'm annoyed at myself that I'm always so concerned about the weather. It makes me feel old, golden years kind of old. But I've always been this old. Aha, I've been anticipating my retirement years for as far as I can remember now.
Summer is over, and I want the cold now. My life suddenly completes me. You suddenly complete me. I feel different, and I will keep moving forward.
You've Got Everything Now - The Smiths
Today was hot, too hot. Why did it have to be so hot? I didn't enjoy a second of the sun. I didn't soak myself in its glory like I would.
Yesterday as the sun set outside my window I yelled, "SUMMER'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!" And I know that it is, so why does it have to get so damn hot all of a sudden?
Aha I'm annoyed at myself that I'm always so concerned about the weather. It makes me feel old, golden years kind of old. But I've always been this old. Aha, I've been anticipating my retirement years for as far as I can remember now.
Summer is over, and I want the cold now. My life suddenly completes me. You suddenly complete me. I feel different, and I will keep moving forward.
You've Got Everything Now - The Smiths
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I keep laying on my bed, on this warm weather, with some songs that sound cold, and with completely different smells around me, I find myself torn. I feel old, and new, and the same, all at the same time.
I don't feel sad. I just feel out of sorts. Like I'd spent the last days sleeping with out shifting or twitching at all. And had dreamt of nothing but a cold, sweaty black that somehow taunts me once I'd opened my eyes.
And when I open my eyes, I'm struck by the bright green that I thought I'd gotten used to, but this time, I feel like a stranger in my own quarters. So I try to focus on the lyrics of what ever song is playing at the moment, and this afternoon, well this afternoon, All of our friends were here but they all have gone home. I can't grasp this.
To top it all and excluding the migraines that won't let me be, I tried vanquishing a swirl of rainbow sugar with my front teeth while switching from book to book to book, because I really just want to finish them. I confused the nearly-illiterate, suicidal, anti-capitalist bum with a serial killer that died a fantastic death. Maybe that's just my problem, ever since I read the book The Seven Days of Peter Crumb, I'd been obsessed with murders or deathly concepts and sick ways of being, characters that wrap at the sides of my brain and stay beneath my skin until I can fall asleep.
I'm giggling to myself now. I love weekends.
Time's tide will smother you.
I don't feel sad. I just feel out of sorts. Like I'd spent the last days sleeping with out shifting or twitching at all. And had dreamt of nothing but a cold, sweaty black that somehow taunts me once I'd opened my eyes.
And when I open my eyes, I'm struck by the bright green that I thought I'd gotten used to, but this time, I feel like a stranger in my own quarters. So I try to focus on the lyrics of what ever song is playing at the moment, and this afternoon, well this afternoon, All of our friends were here but they all have gone home. I can't grasp this.
To top it all and excluding the migraines that won't let me be, I tried vanquishing a swirl of rainbow sugar with my front teeth while switching from book to book to book, because I really just want to finish them. I confused the nearly-illiterate, suicidal, anti-capitalist bum with a serial killer that died a fantastic death. Maybe that's just my problem, ever since I read the book The Seven Days of Peter Crumb, I'd been obsessed with murders or deathly concepts and sick ways of being, characters that wrap at the sides of my brain and stay beneath my skin until I can fall asleep.
I'm giggling to myself now. I love weekends.
Time's tide will smother you.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Anticipate Sleep Time Because I Sleep So At Peace
I remember this time last year. It was hot too, and it sounded like The Strokes. I'm doing so well, and so busy, and so happy that I never even found the time to mop my wood floors or finish storing up my hoodies from the laundry bin.
I have a stack of books that I'm all reading simultaneously, and it all does get confusing. I convince myself I'm reading one thing, when I'm reading the other. And I confuse details. Never a cute moment for my cranium. But I'm enjoying my time.
Yesterday, we went to our Senior Picnic. I had such a good time. It wasn't a completely...complete moment, but I felt happy. It felt like Great America in the 8th grade. Fox, Kim, Henry, and I became one cozy group of girls. And I forget how much I love Kim, but I love her so. And Fox, well, she's very flexible when it comes to company, very versatile. She's like JB. She blends well, mixes well, and I don't have to worry. And Henry, he returned my DVD to me with out the DVD inside the case. I was upset to find that out tonight.
I didn't bring a camera with me so unfortunately I have no images to display and keep. I didn't get to spend as much time with my darling as I thought I would because we both have our set of friends, and it all just isn't as easy with time. But he's so good, so good. He doesn't make me feel excessively flawed. Just..a little bit, the average, ha.
I fell asleep at 8pm last night on my couch. I fell asleep thinking that I was still sliding down one of the tunnel tubes, or trying to survive in the wave pool. When I woke up at 10pm, I found myself alone in the living room darkness, and I dragged my arse to bed to call the man in my life. But I fell asleep after he hung on me saying he'll call back in 5 minutes. I was just that damn tired.
And today, well today was good. Jennifer's Body is a shitful of shit of a movie, but I enjoyed watching it. She's not even that hot. I just envy her body, rah!
Oh and at the end of it all, Tami drove a thousand miles per hour, with our windows rolled down, and the best of the best is thumping out of the speakers. But this time, not only did I have Fox in front of me again, with her hair flailing, but I look to my left, and I had Ian there looking at me with those warm brown eyes saying I love you.
I could just die.
This is what the world is for...
Making electricity !
I have a stack of books that I'm all reading simultaneously, and it all does get confusing. I convince myself I'm reading one thing, when I'm reading the other. And I confuse details. Never a cute moment for my cranium. But I'm enjoying my time.
Yesterday, we went to our Senior Picnic. I had such a good time. It wasn't a completely...complete moment, but I felt happy. It felt like Great America in the 8th grade. Fox, Kim, Henry, and I became one cozy group of girls. And I forget how much I love Kim, but I love her so. And Fox, well, she's very flexible when it comes to company, very versatile. She's like JB. She blends well, mixes well, and I don't have to worry. And Henry, he returned my DVD to me with out the DVD inside the case. I was upset to find that out tonight.
I didn't bring a camera with me so unfortunately I have no images to display and keep. I didn't get to spend as much time with my darling as I thought I would because we both have our set of friends, and it all just isn't as easy with time. But he's so good, so good. He doesn't make me feel excessively flawed. Just..a little bit, the average, ha.
I fell asleep at 8pm last night on my couch. I fell asleep thinking that I was still sliding down one of the tunnel tubes, or trying to survive in the wave pool. When I woke up at 10pm, I found myself alone in the living room darkness, and I dragged my arse to bed to call the man in my life. But I fell asleep after he hung on me saying he'll call back in 5 minutes. I was just that damn tired.
And today, well today was good. Jennifer's Body is a shitful of shit of a movie, but I enjoyed watching it. She's not even that hot. I just envy her body, rah!
Oh and at the end of it all, Tami drove a thousand miles per hour, with our windows rolled down, and the best of the best is thumping out of the speakers. But this time, not only did I have Fox in front of me again, with her hair flailing, but I look to my left, and I had Ian there looking at me with those warm brown eyes saying I love you.
I could just die.
This is what the world is for...
Making electricity !
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
PS
I don't know why, but every time someone calls me Ange...
Just ...Ange ...you know?
I get excessively and thoroughly happy.
One of the many, little things in life.
Just ...Ange ...you know?
I get excessively and thoroughly happy.
One of the many, little things in life.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Maybe I'll Update You
I've been really busy with choir. We watched that movie too many times now. Tina Fey is just so entertaining.
As of this very moment, I'm still thinking of the rainy days coming our way. I'm listening to Death Cab because they always sound like cold. And they're achey and remind me of some things... But like always, I'm just too happy. Life is too joyous, you know?
Since school began, time has been winding us around. I have no classes. I have Art, then Ceramics. Both of which are less dull than I'd imagined. I thought that school would give me a more convenient time with Fox, but I was wrong. This weekend was our first best friend time since school. She has Kenneth, and I have Adrian, and there's always everything else in between. But the weekend was well, and so will everything else be.
Adrian is incredible, did you know? I don't feel crazy when I'm with him. I don't want to fight, I don't want to control, I don't want to do anything that gets in the way of any time I can have with him. He's like my college boy. He always has something to do, always his priorities to keep.
I was afraid that he'd graduate early, but he chose not to. He doesn't want to miss out on our last months together. I love him, you know? I was afraid of when he goes to the Philippines this November. I was afraid that things would change, and he'd change, and that he'd love the Philippines more, and would really stay there. He might go to college there. He might attend a university there because it'll be cheaper. And I'm so worried of that. But he's reassuring me, and our love is keeping me so sane. I'm cherishing everything, every single second we have.
Mm, this entry has taken a different turn. I shouldn't think too much about this. This means I need to shower this off now.
Why You'd Want to Live Here
As of this very moment, I'm still thinking of the rainy days coming our way. I'm listening to Death Cab because they always sound like cold. And they're achey and remind me of some things... But like always, I'm just too happy. Life is too joyous, you know?
Since school began, time has been winding us around. I have no classes. I have Art, then Ceramics. Both of which are less dull than I'd imagined. I thought that school would give me a more convenient time with Fox, but I was wrong. This weekend was our first best friend time since school. She has Kenneth, and I have Adrian, and there's always everything else in between. But the weekend was well, and so will everything else be.
Adrian is incredible, did you know? I don't feel crazy when I'm with him. I don't want to fight, I don't want to control, I don't want to do anything that gets in the way of any time I can have with him. He's like my college boy. He always has something to do, always his priorities to keep.
I was afraid that he'd graduate early, but he chose not to. He doesn't want to miss out on our last months together. I love him, you know? I was afraid of when he goes to the Philippines this November. I was afraid that things would change, and he'd change, and that he'd love the Philippines more, and would really stay there. He might go to college there. He might attend a university there because it'll be cheaper. And I'm so worried of that. But he's reassuring me, and our love is keeping me so sane. I'm cherishing everything, every single second we have.
Mm, this entry has taken a different turn. I shouldn't think too much about this. This means I need to shower this off now.
Why You'd Want to Live Here
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I Was a Kaleidoscope, You Know?
I always disliked going to family parties on my mother's side. It saddens me, bores me, makes me miss the family that gives me sincere attention, the ones that are far away.
But the best part about my day, excluding the morning waking up to Fox on my left and Ace on my right, is the rain. I've been having prayers for rain, believe it or not. And I'd missed it terribly. When I looked out the tinted glass window tonight and saw the wet parking lot getting wetter, I welled up inside, tingled inside, and fell into my happiness. First thing I did was step outside to smell the air. When that relieved my longing, I called the man in my life. Disappointed that he didn't answer, I sat there on a chair with the party a faint sound behind me, my palms under my chin and my head out with the rain.
I love nights like this. All I thought about was being under my covers, in his clothes, wrapped up in all that I adore.
I love this. I love us. Autumn is coming. And winter, oh winter. Sounds like...
But the best part about my day, excluding the morning waking up to Fox on my left and Ace on my right, is the rain. I've been having prayers for rain, believe it or not. And I'd missed it terribly. When I looked out the tinted glass window tonight and saw the wet parking lot getting wetter, I welled up inside, tingled inside, and fell into my happiness. First thing I did was step outside to smell the air. When that relieved my longing, I called the man in my life. Disappointed that he didn't answer, I sat there on a chair with the party a faint sound behind me, my palms under my chin and my head out with the rain.
I love nights like this. All I thought about was being under my covers, in his clothes, wrapped up in all that I adore.
I love this. I love us. Autumn is coming. And winter, oh winter. Sounds like...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Yesterday
RV had the best birthday she's ever had. All thanks to the love of the greatest friends.
Kim, Fox, Ace, and her best friend, Chen.
Chen did a good job. We all felt a sense of envy when we saw what she'd done. Chen, a good best friend.
I'd post a picture...but photobucket and/or tinypic is damned.
And it was a good night, such a good night. It was infinite, you know? Warm and dark, and the moon was MIA, but it was the best nonetheless.
The best.
Kim, Fox, Ace, and her best friend, Chen.
Chen did a good job. We all felt a sense of envy when we saw what she'd done. Chen, a good best friend.
I'd post a picture...but photobucket and/or tinypic is damned.
And it was a good night, such a good night. It was infinite, you know? Warm and dark, and the moon was MIA, but it was the best nonetheless.
The best.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Rude Awakening
The devastation of my newly digested news is trying to drag me down. It's mean, and tempting, and semi-persuasive. But it's nice, I find this silence that empties me just for a second.
I won't be able to see them this weekend, like I've been hoping for in months. And this sadness will go on, and on, every time I hear them or even think of it. I think I'll stay away for a while.
But it's nice, because I have my own silence now. A silence that couldn't hurt a fly. This silence though, it's being broken by... my sister singing Air Supply songs recorded on our voicemail. If you were here with me, you'd laugh too.
And it will always be good.
I won't be able to see them this weekend, like I've been hoping for in months. And this sadness will go on, and on, every time I hear them or even think of it. I think I'll stay away for a while.
But it's nice, because I have my own silence now. A silence that couldn't hurt a fly. This silence though, it's being broken by... my sister singing Air Supply songs recorded on our voicemail. If you were here with me, you'd laugh too.
And it will always be good.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It's the Room, the Sun, and the Sky
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
I don't know why I've found a new affinity for this. I've known it for so long. I guess I just never gave it a chance. It's like taking a second look at someone and realizing something you should've realized before.
I've nothing profound to say. So I'll let my music consume me.
I've nothing profound to say. So I'll let my music consume me.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The Question
"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"
-PS
-PS
ADF.
My best friends like you so much, all of them. They always tell me how fond they are of you, and how good you are. And I tell them how quickly I'd fallen in love with you. They like you so much, aha, and I can't ask for more.
Best friends and you = HYSTERIC!
...Suddenly complete me.
I feel so alive, you know?
Best friends and you = HYSTERIC!
...Suddenly complete me.
I feel so alive, you know?
The Best
Jabe and Fox
On the first day of school, I told my friends I want to collect 50 sneezing pictures. Yesterday, I captured a yawning picture of this bad cat and decided that instead, I'll collect 100 sneezing/yawning pictures. Isn't he so ugly that it's cute? :D?
She was so wasted! Jabe was passed out somewhere over there.
I love I love. Best friends.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
"Petals"
I didn't realize before that I was afraid of falling in love. Simply afraid. Why the hell would I let some idiot, any idiot have ultimate power to break me, and hurt me, or leave me?
This summer treated me so well...that I'm saying fuck it, fuck the rest. I ain't scareda nothin'! Pain ain't shit! I've come out alive before, what should I be afraid of now? Nothing! I've spent way too much time being afraid, and ducking down, and bricking up a wall, around me, and not saying what I want to say, and making up unbelievable excuses, and putting 50% of myself out there. I've got the raw material, the goods, the best.
This time around, I'm giving 100%. I've learned my lesson.
I'm ready for the consequences.
So here I am World!
WhoElse?
:D
"...a speech is required aussi... I'm so nervous, because I want mine to be the best, most heartfelt speech she hears, as selfish as that sounds. Actually, I just want to outshine everyone but Makayla, I think Makayla has earned first place, though besides that, the urge to "win" is eating away at me. Especially when it is mildly academic like this. Oh, I hope it makes her cry... with joy."
Aha, Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart, I love you, I do.
The best makes me sigh in satisfaction, and smile a quiet smile that lets me shine.
Aha, Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart, I love you, I do.
The best makes me sigh in satisfaction, and smile a quiet smile that lets me shine.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The First Day of School
And I'd just gotten home after a long day of being in and out of the heat. I must say, even with my classes boring me to my skull, I absolutely enjoyed the first day. I was able to have everyone again, and see them, and talk to them whenever I pleased.
Being a senior isn't as significant of a feeling as I...expected. But it certainly feels comforting being at Kennedy again. My time spent at Washington has definitely increased my appreciation for Kennedy.
And today, oh my heart exploded today.
Let me tell you about this man in my life...
Have you ever been so fluttery and warm and happy inside that your teeth tingled? Have you ever lost your breath at the slightest thought of someone? Have you ever wanted to jump off of something, or run until your insides fell out? This is happening to me. And it's the best feeling I have ever felt.
Today, I told the man in my life that I love him. I have never done this. I have never felt this. I have never wanted something so bad...that was already mine. And I've never been so unafraid knowing that I'm making myself bare of any walls, naturally, seamlessly, with out force, with out influence.
I think he's been wanting to tell me too. Because his reaction made me scream and go limp in his arms for a second.
I sound so fruity, but I can't help this.
IT.FEELS.GOOD.TO.BE.YOUNG.
Being a senior isn't as significant of a feeling as I...expected. But it certainly feels comforting being at Kennedy again. My time spent at Washington has definitely increased my appreciation for Kennedy.
And today, oh my heart exploded today.
Let me tell you about this man in my life...
Have you ever been so fluttery and warm and happy inside that your teeth tingled? Have you ever lost your breath at the slightest thought of someone? Have you ever wanted to jump off of something, or run until your insides fell out? This is happening to me. And it's the best feeling I have ever felt.
Today, I told the man in my life that I love him. I have never done this. I have never felt this. I have never wanted something so bad...that was already mine. And I've never been so unafraid knowing that I'm making myself bare of any walls, naturally, seamlessly, with out force, with out influence.
I think he's been wanting to tell me too. Because his reaction made me scream and go limp in his arms for a second.
I sound so fruity, but I can't help this.
IT.FEELS.GOOD.TO.BE.YOUNG.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Summer of 2009
You have been kind to me, far too kind.
The best.
Fox
Jabe
TaySnow
Ace
and even RV
and of course my Adrian.
What to say?
Mine > than yours
Hands down.
The best.
Fox
Jabe
TaySnow
Ace
and even RV
and of course my Adrian.
What to say?
Mine > than yours
Hands down.
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