Thursday, October 30, 2008


Along the Way

"You were so distraught
Had never been in love
Guess you learned your lesson
Don't starve a poor boy"

"You're just zoning out of the world today, aren't you?"
I can't and I don't want to help it. I'm living inside of Vampire Weekend, and I like it in there. Safe and grounded, looking at nothing and no one but my shoes.

I smile too much still, laugh a little faker, curse a little less. With the rain crawling it's way through the foggy grog in my throat, I don't know how to say that I want to stay.

I'm so ashamed to find how much I'm willing to ...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008



"How am I supposed to pretend I never want to see you again?"

The sunny blue yellow afternoon was a tug at my pull, pulling since I've been dazed in class. Punk ass kids wreaking havoc across the streets and sidewalks and fucking with the pedestrian privileges. We don't care, not when it's this good.

We always talk about what we want, what we're not when we don't know what we want, who we are. Broken circles all across every patch I step and there's always paint following me. Busy like hell I could do anything else, with the time I'm spitting and crime I can't commit.

I can't keep looking over my shoulder, or at the corners of my eyes where in my peripherals I know I'll secretly wallow. Fearing I'd slip and look stupid as ever, for being so myself. It's alright I can laugh and smile to myself, guilt trips and pretentious considerations all out my window.

"First the window, then it's to the wall.
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth." Haha.
Vampire Weekend.

I see I can love this. I can love these.
Just not any other near enough in proximity to touch.
No Thanks.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Conner, Vanessa, and Tony

The Lovesong Writer

"Lovers intwine in the heat of the night
And by dawn are apart in the shivering silences"

I'm reading Impulse yet again, and though I can't help but critique at how formal and well-worded the language is, I am grabbed by the wrist and sat uncomfortably till the conclusion.

Misery and wrecked at its best, just my type of book. I like tragedies, tragedies make sense. Maybe it has to do with my being a pessimist and occasional cynic. I should be honest, I don't have much reason to. Just the hell of it, I suppose.

Attention everyone, winter is reaching its long, gray arms for me and I'm running like hell that my lungs set on fire but even that doesn't warm me enough to feel a sort of relief that doesn't exist within the hands that I possess or maybe even you. All I know is that fall is getting hideous and I'm feeling a freeze in my heart and irritation in my brain that pokes enough to make me yell and whine and shiver and shrivel into the speck I want to be.
I had this nightmare when I awoke to this washed out morning. And I was frightened...
That's not exactly the way I like to kick start my week. But that's the way it was. Added on the the fact that I was late, I received a D- on a test, and the weather just gradually cooperated.


Right now, it's not okay to be a fool. So I can't be foolish.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Stay Away - THT

Blue and Yellow

"Rather waste my time with you"

Strapless dresses take a handful of tape and safety pins to stay intact. I felt like Peyton.

"We are the two dullest people" but it's so easy.


"So, who's chasing who?" - The Happening.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The "P" Word

Enough to Get Away

"I'm just an echo of the song going through my head"

I'm only good at pretending to be brilliant. I watch lives that lived and live and will be lived but I can't even reach my own channel.

The circumference of this circle is twice as far as the last and next one. And I'm only worrying about the most mundane I can think of, nothing beneath the surface. Only if, I wouldn't worry about what to wear the next day. I wouldn't bother trying to feed the hunger that embarrasses me more than I want it fed. I wouldn't change the only facial expression I've known but never even seen. I wouldn't worry about how to wear a homecoming dress for the homecoming that I don't even plan on staying for. I just wanted to get away for the night, maybe take you with me.

I'll just wash myself away where my bones and limbs can rest. Where I'll drink as much water as I want. Where I'll feed on stealing someone else's life and pretend I'm living one. Where it's always nightandday on the same hour. And the name of the narrator of this story begins with the letter...

I am a self-absorbed wreck.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I've Never Loved Walking...till now

Look After You

"There now, steady love, so few come and don't go"
Some sweet song...

My father deleted itunes, therefore I have to ONCE AGAIN start over with the same frustrating process that I'd dealt with the day before for hours. Why do I have a fucking ipod again?

Shannyn Sossamon; increasing the the population of the lesbians in the world.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

"History's not hard, it's just a lot of work"

Very Loud

"And I wanna change, change the way we always have. And to make different plans and try not to make desire"
What's it to be seventeen.

I am seventeen.

Untamed and seventeen.

I'm glad you haven't forgotten. I'm glad you still sing songs we love. I'm glad I got to see you, the one I like.

No, our history isn't hard. We just take a lot of work... to get to where we want to be.

I think we got there today.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Company of Nearly Solitary

Killer Bees

"See me just sucking in the killer bees, they chew right through me"
Dread dread dread dread...
I've been humming that for some days now.

Everyday we walk the same way and try to figure out whether we'd just dreamed the fright that a demon canine gave us, caged behind the bushes. And today we did. I would've believed it a dream though.

Passing by the wrenched rabbit we'd once fed pizza. We had the same conversations, and we never say too much. And I have no idea who you are like you have no idea who I am.

But it's just so damn comfortable this way. No worries.
I don't want to wake up from my sleep tonight for tomorrow. Maybe the day after..

Monday, October 13, 2008

Would You Have the Guts to Say...


"There is something that I see in you, It might kill me I want it to be true"
I wonder now what I thought I'd had with my guts hanging out, attempting to keep my chin up enough to not seem foolish. But I lose that game.

Who was I FOOLING?

Honestly Ange...

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Greener with the Scenery

"I love you just a million times, I love you even though it isn't fair"
I can count, so I do. And what I have could never be enough to what I could never be, where I'll never be.

I didn't realized I tried so hard to just forget...

"Why do we go round again in circles? Play this game over again..."

I wanted to break, and for just a second I let myself, with the biggest fucking smile I could muster from the irritatingly heavy corners of my mouth that are just dying to be the way they want to be. But I wanted to compose myself again...

So I did, and I spat out some things I know would never make me feel better but it was better than swallowing that after taste that I never did get to wash out.

Let me tell you...

It's like this gradual eruption from the ground sprinting through my stomach, ripping out my chest and welling just at the edge of my eyes. I've been punching enough that it's still on the edge, and I'll keep it there because I've played this part way too many times that maybe just one more could completely shatter me again.

Everyone has quotes appropriate, but right now it's telling me to tell you to leave with me.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

A Little Torn at the Sides, in the Middle, Every Where


"It never takes too long"
I let myself listen, and I feel weaker than ever.

Since when did I start listening to indie, anyway? It's all so...mine. And unlike the past lives I've set, I had no shadows of the passions that now only I know of.

It's not up to me, you know this...

Monday, October 6, 2008

Calls Me Baby


"No two people feel the same way at the same time"
Paint covered me because I had nothing else to do, and nothing right to say.

I thought about it, and even fully considered. My palms a clammy mess as some clock crawled behind me. But even that slow elapse couldn't make time be at its most sympathetic.

Just know, I hope you always knew.. The End has No End.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Gorbel the Life Guard

Accident Prone

"Something tells me I am losing self-control"
What was that night?

Lights of green and spaces in between the darkness that I never dare to look at. I fell asleep not thinking, just like the night before.

I had another dream about you. I had another heart-breaking dream about you. It was just like reality.

You smile at me in the beginning and finally I thought I'd come to some ease. Then climax stretches itself as a cruel hand that toys with my feeding. And I'm deprived of confidence again. You smile at me in the end, walking away. It never lasts that long.

I catch myself sitting or standing alone, feeling the burns in my chest and fingertips as you marked me and left and stung every time. As I try to make sense of it, I wake up.

Always in the late morning curled under my made up warmth as the fan whistles my hands cold. Then I go over for the thousandth time why it went wrong again.

It's better when I just stop thinking.

Friday, October 3, 2008

An Infinite Playlist

And Darling

"Darling, it breaks my heart each time you..."
I could've lived that.

I'd be as intense into my passions for music than I am. It's one of those nights when I'd just love to be.

Call. Break my own heart.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

"Interventions and Lullabies"

A Mess to be Made

"I help you out the door but once you're gone I just stare out the window"
It could've been raining today.

But it just rained in my head, all over the sunny clouds. I was a child again, small on this ground and far from the sky.

I couldn't share. I don't care who you are. I can't share.

I could've slept, but I knew I wouldn't dream anything nice because I don't think that nice. All that's nice is too far off my wishful thinkings. I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't even realize I was losing consciousness because in my sleep I was so awake. Awake enough to realize that my room was just my room and just me. It's just me.
The dark still the dark, the time still as early as the morning shouldn't be for me. Sleeping isn't sleeping when you're just not sleeping.

And then some...

I sat in the dark for hours, exchanging a bonding moment with the wintery scene out my window, a radio that's nearly known, and the closest thing beside me to know of my passions. But it's never quite there. And I can never quite share.

I have albums that don't know you. And I know you don't know. But in all this mess, I know you'd make such great friends. It's only a matter of...another lifetime[s].

Don't get me wrong. I can prance as high my chin can go in the low that it drags to my neck that exhibits all alone. And that's when we get to somewhere no way.

Everyday. Someone else is in all this mess.has got to have some fucking initiative. It's not just me, right? I can't be the only one that lives the way I do.

I'll be a fucking welder, I said. Enough money, and I can hide from the job during the job. But I threw bottles today, I know I'd want that...

I thought what I'd really want last night...or, this very early morning. And what's better in this life than to want the things you just...can't..

I fucking can't.

Can you? ...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Revolving, Stationed Chairs

Seven Years

"Only pushed away off to fight you"
20 minutes kill

Lollipop Man

I couldn't decided whether to digest the strangeness or spit it out. It's not like I bothered before. He stands the awkward stance of a nearly beheaded man. Gravity pushed out upper-lower body. If it were me, I imagine I couldn't breathe. Anyway, with eyes lost in the burns of a monitor and apathetic lectures, or well, semi-thoughtful objectives, the man is steadied with careful emphases on each phrase lisps the words we'd already forgotten. Glass eyes, but not far enough to shine and share. I tried looking into them, once, but I already walked out the door, leaving my back turned, like every other day I'd sat there.
I wonder if he thinks it's rude of me.
This is what I get for being a silent, 3rd-party observer, stfu.

I have nothing else to say for now...

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)