Monday, August 31, 2009

We were robbed.

Tamra, Courtney, Fox, my sister, and I were looking at shoes at Valleyfair, sitting around, and chatting casually when my brother called my sister and told her some strangely odd news.

He'd told her that we'd been robbed. Knowing the relationship that my brother and sister have, of course she wouldn't have believed him. So she handed me the phone saying, "Listen to what he's saying. Just listen."

And so I listened. "...we were robbed!"

Me: "What do you mean..."

Him: "Some people robbed our house! Took dad's computer and went through his car."

And so, we were all ...very confused. And very shocked. And very creeped out. Because the duration of when the robbery took place was around the time when Dad and Blithe had just gotten home, and watched TV. Meaning that they we're both home when this all happened, when the two men, wearing dark colors, both Caucasian and/or 'Latino' decided to raid in our garage. What "fucking ballsy mofo's" as Taylor refered to them, considering that it was day time and that the residents were home.

Our ...apparently paranoid neighbors were the pleasant people that reported witnessing the two fuckbags take shit from our garage, reported the police, and informed my father. Unfortunately, a friend of mine Xavier Geddins, decided to pay me a visit around the same time as when the robbery incident occured. And so, my not being home made himself very suspicious. They asked of his name and address, and he should expect an interrogation any time soon. But his descriptions do not match the robbers, and I am very confident that he wouldn't do such a thing.

My parents told me that our neighbors must have been paranoid for quite some time. Because they always report things. Like last summer, when another friend of mine, Joehl Ostil, decided to loiter in front of my house, waiting for me to wake up so he can come in. The neighbors reported him because he obviously made himself look suspicious, wearing a tall black tee, and a black hat. But that incident was completely harmless, and hilarious.

Anyway, mom said that the neighbors might be paranoid because there are always teenage boys coming in and out of our home, and in quote, she thinks that "they might think that they're doing drugs." Of course, that's ridiculous. All my friends stay above the influence, and are all very decent people. It's just strange to me. I never noticed how much people come in and out of my door. The majority of which are males. I suppose..that...would, as a neighbor, have me suspiscious as well? I don't know.

What's important is that everyone is safe. Aside from the now paranoia that has entered my family, we are all fine. I intend on keeping a baseball bat by my bedside now though. The tiny, little knife that I keep...definitely would not match against a robber. Not that this all would ever happen again, but just being cautious now. Oh. And we're no longer having spare keys under the toilet plunge. Fuck that.

I'm slightly paranoid. But disregarding the robbery, I had a rather pleasant day at Santana Row. I forget I like the feeling of being there.

Rik and I are Makayla's and Courtney's right hand men when shopping. I realized that I love shopping for people. I like recommending...and/or even dictating someone what to wear. We were very good at what we did. We accomplished a lot. Courtney will look ahead of the game when she comes back to Walter's as an 8th grader, and well, Makay will look hotter if that's even possible as a senior.

And I'd just like to mention that Makayla has beautiful eyelashes, and eyes! Oh! I'm a generally brown eyes kind of girl, but her eyes! A green circle, with orange exploding in the center. Amazing. My sister and I were watching her from afar. It's very difficult to be envious. We said today that it's difficult being friends with her and Taylor, standing next to them. Because they make us want to kill ourselves. They're lethal together, gorgeous!

This has been a long one.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer.

I love my summer.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Seven Pounds

I finally got around to watching it. It was a nice movie, not too impressive, but nice enough. My heart weighs seven pounds? I could believe that.

Would I ever give my heart to someone? Literally. I think I would, and die? Theoretically, I'm not really in fear of death. It's death. I've thought about death so much that I can imagine more than a hundred ways that I've died in my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just think things.

And how sweet would it be when the person tells people, "Yes, she gave me her heart" and meaning it in literally! Bloody sweet, isn't it?

Hmm. What to say.

I was talking to Ace today about the future. We always talk about the future. All of a sudden, I went on this rant about how I wanted my future to go.
I told her:

Okio Ace, I'll marry Adrian, move to France, and then...YES. Yes, that's my plan.

She says something blah blah counter counter.

Then I realized..I should talk to Adrian before I make these plans. Haaaa?

This all is a fictional thought, please reader, realize this. I don't intend on marrying. Until I can say this to someone:

I'll be yours forever. Just tell me when to start.

Straight forward, and to the point. Alright it's an Honorary Title lyric, but still. It matters.

I'm tired. It's night time and I miss the man in my life.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The party that my mother dragged my father and me to had lead me to a sequence of daydreams, all of which had me restless and anxious. I sat

I thought about sex majority of the time.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Bring Me To Life

I really don't like that song. The more I resisted, the more he sang with his artificial feminine, tone deaf voice. It was the worst song to sing to someone.

But I nearly wet myself laughing. And he seemed to enjoy my laughter. He kept calling me a douche. And I don't know why, but I thought it was endearing.

I'm usually an irritable bear in the morning. But I was so happy that I even let him come in my room with his shoes on.

Tay: "Oh no I'm Angie"
Makay: "Too much soap, too much soap"
*The finger"
Ange: "Dad's gonna see this video!
...And I'll get shit for it..."

Since I really can't do this montage thing...
Here's a little clip of the torture Taylor put me through.
"One more time!" AWWWW She's cute!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I felt so sad all of a sudden...

This is why I've been avoiding watching Eternal Sunshine. I just get sad. Really sad. It makes me feel broken. And confused. And lost. And...last winter. Last winter was torture. Last winter was unbelievable. Last winter makes me want to kill myself.

Note to self: Don't watch Eternal Sunshine during the nights.

Meet me in Montauk

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


My newest eyegasm.

Melanie Laurent
Une actrice francaise.
Elle est Shosanna Dreyfus dans la film, Inglourious Basterds
And she is drop dead gorgeous, literally, as Jabe said.
I reread my previous entry, I...LOLed a few times. I didn't realize how strongly emotional I felt yesterday. Aha I'm absolutely fine now. That was my aggression for the summer.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"It's a birthday gift why not? And I already planned on was the only thing that made sense for me to do"

I'm in the strangest state of shock. I feel sick. And queasy. And wrong. And shitty. I can't believe he did that. I can't believe he would. I would wish that he didn't. But this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me...

I felt so sick when I read "The Bottom of the Hill." Oh my..? The Honorary Title? Mine? The only thing I know is mine? I'm..I flabbergasted. I was in the theaters, with my crowd, and I was...freaking out. How was I suppose to accept something like that? How was I supposed to react? I don't expect that kind of ...kindness from anyone. And I received it from the one person that would never hurt me...but I hurt the most. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY FAGGOT ASS SELF?

I wanted to throw up. I can't even explain the heavy feeling I carried from then. I was speechless, literally speechless. Even after he called me to further explain things, I stammered for words. I couldn't say thank you because it didn't seem enough. I couldn't reply back because I didn't know what to say. I just know I don't deserve it. But I have it. And I'm so...fucking...

I mean why? Augh, why? It's torture really. Like...the perfect payback for the shitty self that I am. But I know it's not like that. He just is...far too fucking nice. I can't take it. It's terrible. I'M TERRIBLE.

And I've known...since the beginning of this whole situation that I was going to get shit. For ending things that way. For leaving like I did. For treating him the way I did. And I didn't care. Because why should I? I was pursuing my own happiness. If my friends were going to talk shit about me themselves, then fuck it right? I have my friends that actually took the time to listen to my side, but didn't say one bad thing about him because they knew I didn't want that pity, side-taking shit. I just needed them to know it from my side. Because they're my friends.

And I feel so shitty because I can just feel what they're saying about this, about me. The way they see me now. I'm probably the fucking shittiest thing right? I don't know. I'm so upset...

It's all blowing up in my face. That that group of friends that I had will not see me the same. Not as long as I live the life I live now, with these people now. And I'm different, you know? I'm so fucking different. I can't go back. I'm not that person anyone. I moved forward, and I didn't look back. Until now...

I've known that he'd receive their comfort. I've known that I'd stay away anyway, just to let it cool. I just didn't know that they'd think so lowly of me. And I understand. I'd done the shittiest things. But my friends, right? Yeah, what happened. Unconditional? Well. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. I swear I thought I knew. But right now, I just don't know what to feel, how to feel. About everything.

I've been gone all summer. I've been away from them all summer. It's all so fcking different now. Or maybe it's just me. And I'm finally getting the taste of karma. Just maybe.

I'm saying...fuck it. Fuck the rest. My friends right now, that even try to be with me and talk to me and just listen and care, they've had me all summer. And I'm keeping them. It's nice to know who's there. Whatever happens now.

But this one. This one's for Dean.

This thank you won't do me any justice. In fact, I might just end up sounding pathetic and lame. I really want to hate you for doing this. I really want to hate you for a lot of things. I want to believe that you're evil, and selfish, and greedy like the people that have loved me in the past. That only want the satisfaction of their happiness. But you. God damnit. Your pure intentions can kill me.

I can't believe that to this day, your concern is my bloody happiness. That you'd go through that trouble. That you'd...ah. What am I supposed to say? And I'm sure it's my bloody birthday present, but fck. Really? We both know how much that band means to me. How much that music means to me. And though I feel like shit for receiving something I don't deserve, bloody...thank you.

It's so difficult. Because you're not mean. And you're not cold. And you're not an asshole. And even if you were, I'd understand. But I have never fcking met anyone like you. Is this like your master plan? Have me writhe my insides? DAMN. Good plan.

And bloody, you still wanted to be my friend? Really? That was the prime thing that you wanted of me after we ended? The fck! Crazy ass. I don't understand. I don't understand your existence. I don't understand why you're being so nice. And it's bloody stupid. Because it's so natural for us to be friends. And I wish it wasn't. So that it wouldn't be easy. Because I know I don't deserve a friend like you either. What else is stupid? You're a better friend than the friends that I believe were my friends. THIS IS GAY. YOU'RE SO GAY.

But ahhhh. I can honestly say. That you have shaped me the most. You are responsible for my now happiness because you led me here. You are the one that I needed to get my act together.

And though you're the only person that I've ever hurt like're still the only person that would never hurt me. Fuck everyone else. You made the most insane mark. You're like a badass, first tattoo, you know? You're probably small and simple, but still hurt. And it's like, now I'm moving on to more elaborate tattoos, you know? But you'll still be the one that I show people and say, "Yeah, this was my first one."

I'm babbling. I don't know. I sound so bloody absurd.

I don't know how I'll repay you for being incredible. But one day, I will. Watch me.

Dean Dantes, it's retarded. But you're still a phenomena.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Goodnight. I need you more than I thought and more than you know."

-The best boy. My best boy, Jabe.

The Last House on the Left. Anxiety, tension, and disturbing graphics.

Fox's room is clean. We grocery shopped. Made dinner. Watched this movie. And like always, had a good time.

Good night.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


If I were an animal, you'd expect me to be a giraffe.
But I'm a wolf.
Yes, me.


I signed on..after maybe a year or so.

Friend requests are funny. I had an Ugly Truth moment.

Confirm. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Who the fck? Confirm. Ignore. Fcking ignore.

I just don't get Facebook. I don't know what to do. I don't know what it wants from me. I don't know what to do with myself. And I have the least bit of intent on doing anything at all. It just isn't appealing.

I caught my ma trying to find me on facebook. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

Facebook is like my views on Tumblr. Too much. Too needy.

Blogspot is just for me. Solitary and low maintenance. Even the classic Myspace is getting needy. IM's and whatnot? I think the internet is just generally...too much for me. I mean, I am dead on AIM. Signing on is like a miraculous news for my Buddies. Laugh.

But even if it's not for me, Tumblr is interesting sometimes. There are some interesting people. The ones that are strangers to me. I like looking at the FuckYeah(enterwordhere).tumblr's. Fcking make me laugh. And I think the only Tumblr that has ever really got me is (aha, it's still gets strange that her url is how I refer to my bestfriend)
Well, she's an old classmate from CCMS. I don't know how I found this. I don't know if I even did. I think my sister did, at random. But I laugh when I browse there. Laugh out loud.

Blogger, we've been together for nearly two years. I like you.
This is Rik's new amusement.

And this is us being constructive with her amusement.


Meet Craig Owens of Chiodos

Friday, August 21, 2009


I still haven't showered. I'm sore like a vegetable. And all I dream of when I sleep is the crowd and everything of the day before.

The lack of sleep.
The inevitable Vneck for the show.
The SilverSpeedShark.
The Mountain View traffic.
The calf-working walks.
The Maine.
The people-watching.
The Less than Jake.
The sweaty, shoving, nearly fainting for, and amazing Chiodos.
The NOS.
The expensive food.
The We The Kings for Ace.
The stepping on gum constantly.
The spitting constantly.
The more NOS.
The watching moshpits.
The Meg and Dia.
The finding that I'm more attracted to Meg now than Dia.
The lawn-laying.
The pink backpack that Tay carries to shows.
The sandals that Fox and Rik wore.
The dying of their feet.
The anticipation for A Skylit Drive.
The dancing with 3OH!3
The running to see A Skylit.
The disappointment of A Skylit.
The coming back to 3OH!3 to dance the end of the night.
The crowd jumping, hands and hairs flailing, and the sweat at end of the night.
The long walk to 711.
The HiChews, Dr. Peppers, Squirts, and Shark Gummies.
The talking shit about fat, scene girls with leopard/colored skinnes.
The unwinding on Fox's couch.
The coming home to my literally food-empty house.
The calling Jabe to bring us food (what an angel).
The early sleeping of Tay, always.
And the talk with Fox that lasted till 5 in the morning.

We kept talking about how there is now nothing to look forward to. It seemed accurate, but I'm keeping myself optimistic. I'm having fun. And I'm really, I am really living it up.

Thanks to Fox, Tay, Ace, Kenneth, Brandon, Rik, Tam, and the music. Always the music. Fck, I can't write anything creative? It all was just good to me. And I miss it terribly already.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well actually, for days now, my sister has been crying left and right. Her best friend just moved to Florida today. She keeps asking me, "Have you ever been this sad? When you just start crying out of nowhere..."

Her emotional breakdowns are hard to watch. It's true, it is out of nowhere. Chen was with us today. And we'd share some laughs and have a good time, but one little moment of silence can bring her to tears. And the lame thing on my part is that I never know what to say. I never say anything actually. I just sit next to her, in front of her, around her. It's strange to feel helpless.

When I think about it, it makes me want to cry too. I think of if Fox moved away, or Jabe. And just the thought alone almost misted my eyes, aha. In fact, I'd gotten so into my thoughts that I found myself drowning in a fictional sadness. I even texted Fox telling her not to leave me for Florida. She promised me she never would. And that eased me.

Well, I just kept saying in my head, "She needs warped she needs warped..."

She'll be happy tomorrow. It'll be the best day tomorrow.

I am in intense anticipation to be at Shoreline again. I'd missed that place. It was good to me. And now, though I am having the most difficult time figuring out what to wear, well...I just don't care. You always were... You always weeeeeere.. So good to me.

A Skylit Drive
Meg and Dia
And more more more.


Second Chances

I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...

I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.

He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.

From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.

He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.

Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.

The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.

His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.

We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.

I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.

"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.

I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.

I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."

And since then, I haven't been the same.

PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

One of my favorite feel good movies. Thanks to NJ to remind me. I've watched it so many times, in so many places, in so many ways (aha what), and I'd never gotten sick of it.

Jude Law. Mmm.
"Hey Ange, we're not just summer friends right?"

When she asked me this, I almost died. It was endearing, adoring, and too sweet. Tore my witto heart into witto shreds.

I said to her, You're my best! Remember this!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Every Day is a Busy Day

Even my rest day, today, was a busy day. I had visitors coming from left to right. And in thought this should be irritating due to the fact that I haven't had rest since summer school ended, literally. But it was really nice.

First visitor;
Name: Adrian Rey Del Fierro
Age: Who knows.
Occupation: My baby carrier
Details: He arrived at 11 with out calling me beforehand. Surprise visits are my favorite. I just heard the doorbell rang, and felt it would be him. I called him. He picked up, laughed, and said he was in my living room. I love mornings when I get to see him. He then left to be with his friends.

Second visitor;
Name: Dean Reese Dantes
Age: Who knows.
Occupation: 'Let's be friends' kind of friend
Details: He came from the movies, watching Time Traveler's Wife by himself. He fell asleep during the beginning, and was supposedly very confused through the rest of the movie though thinking that it was still cute. First time we actually planned a friendly get-together.

Third visitor;
Name: Jose Antonio Romano Batacan (I love saying his full name)
Age: Legal.
Occupation: My best boy/care taker
Details: He's here every day, what is there really to say? The whole time that he was here, Dean, him and I sat on my porch while he convinced Dean to practice with him. They threw a few punches. Dean really didn't want to, so I guess he hurt his wrist. He didn't change his clothes from the day before.

Fourth/Fifth/Sixth visitors;
Names: Fernan S. Caasi, Xavier Malcolm Geddins, Alfonso Santiago Hernandez
Ages: Who cares.
Occupations: The Ferna, homeboy you know, ex-boyfriendlol
Details: They all came from Costco. I missed them. I don't know what else.

Sixth visitor;
Name: Ryan Pascua Ramos
Age: Iono.
Occupation: My wingman's boy/my guitar player.
Details: Ferna picked him up. I don't know what else either because when they all got here, Dean and I took a walk. And when we came back, they were all gone. So Dean just walked home. Sigh, I miss them again.

Seventh visitor;
Name: Joyce Eliana Keokham
Age: Little baby.
Occupation: Let's get retarded !
Details: She texted me saying how she was sorry for being late, asking if everyone was still here. I told her my story of how they all left. She still came nonetheless because she loves me. And cause her mother was being crazy and she had nothing better to do. She and my sister ran. They stole stuff from the streets and the ground.

Final visit;
Name: Eeeian again.
Details: Rik and Ace put him on blast because he had a pudge today. I think he almost cried. But he took it well. Those two are mean bitches together. But I get such good laughs.

These days are the best.

Tomorrow starts again.

I'm pretty sure that everyone has left blogger. It's pretty cool. It makes me feel like I'm in this big dome where people were bustling around just a few minutes ago, and now, I'm all alone. Looking up and around and saying "helloooooo!" only to hear my voice echo a thousand times. But I don't feel worried. I'd be more like making the "Hm.." face. I am all alone! I'd stop blogging all together now just because no one is here anymore. But I began this whole shibang with out telling anyone of it any way. So, I was all alone from the very beginning. HELLO ME!

Down Ass Niggas

My hair still smells like Fox's firepit night. Why does that smell insist on lingering around all of us? Every time Fox comes over, she still smells like smoked bacon. Apparently, her whole house still smells of it. I have one bag from that makes me room smell like it, and Noyc's whole dirty hamper smells like it. IT'S INESCAPABLE. For now. What a lovely night it was, ha.


Today, the family and I headed to SF to the California Academy of Sciences. The place was cool! The aquatic area was adventurous! I kept asking where Ponyo was. Electric eels, Pig-nosed turtles, Albino alligators, neon-colored feesh, and jellyfeesh! It was all quite lovely. The big dome of rainforest felt like being in the Philippines again. Humid, and greeeeen.

The park was lovely aussi. I very much enjoy people watching. I found this cozy bench by a fancy statue in front of King Tut's museum, and I just sat there thoughtfully, wondering about my surroundings. I hated being interrupted from my thoughts. Blithe was of course an issue. There's just not good brother day with him.

King Tut's museum made me remember how much I love museums. I loved everything about it. The right feel of the lighting. The right feel of the wooden floors. The awkward passing-by strangers. The guessing what exactly it was they thought of a certain piece as I watch them think. Or if they were really thinking at all, just pretending like how I often do. Visually delighted was enough for me, I don't bother to think much of anything.

The ride home was chilly, far too chilly. Every time I'd tell my dad to turn down the AC, he'd turn it down. Then when he thought I dozed off, he'd turn it back up, and I'd wake up cold and frustrated.

The final highlight of my day was Fox coming over for a movie night. She brought for us Zodiac. And instead of our original spaghetti night, we decided to make pancakes instead. And by we I mean Noyc cooking. JB called, and he wanted to spring me a visit aussi. He surprised me by bringing along Ace with him, and I was glad to see the both of them. I'd missed Ace very much.

Good pancakes, fun movie, 5 people in one couch, and my falling asleep on top of all of them because I was just that tired.

I had another great day.

The best days.

PS. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you [:

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Ponyo loves Sosuke !

The best.
I have always known that I have down ass niggas for friends. Even if I haven't been putting a lot of effort in spending time with them, when I call them up to come over, they're always there. When I text them to see whassap, they always remember to tell me they miss me. They don't make me feel like a fag for being away all the time. They don't make me feel like I don't belong anymore. When I'm there with them, it's unconditional.

I think of all people, Ace is the one that keeps me pulled in the most. She's the one that gets me to miss the group the most. She makes me wants to set up get-togethers and plan trips to places. When for a second I hesitated to not have an End of the Summer Picnic, she was my main concern, and knowing her kept me from making such a foolish decision.

Ace is the best.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I washed my hair 3 times and it still smells of last night. Camp-firey, woody, and smokey.

The firepit.
The burning marshmallows coal black then giving it away.
The filling up on Dr. Pepper.
The scattering of candles, Buddha, lanterns, and lights.
The ribs because of Rik.
The force-feeding of broccoli and tomatoes just for Tay.
The Apples to Apples when Tom Cruise is chewy.
The rainbow hat.
The Ipod.
The Chubby Bunny and spitting 'em out.
The Tami running around being everyone's mama.
The Fox's jumpiness from the fire.
The dancing to Yeah Yeah Yeah's.
The singing along to The Strokes.
The laughing till our spleens split.
The crashing on the couch watching Pineapple.
The blankets, the pillows, the bare legs and feet atop altogether.
The waking up at 3 something to find that the boys left.
The waking up at 5 something to be with Ian.
The staying awake, sitting on gravel, and watching the sun rise while the birds laughed behind us.
The W.W.J.D.
The light shivers.
The eyes closed.
The day came in.
The realization that everything is at peace. I'm in peace. With out a single regret. And I walked back in peace, an insane grin smeared across my face, to my friends snoring lightly next to me.

The best.

I Just Had...

The two greatest days.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Capay Valley consisted of constant, outrageous feuds with Blithe, food aggravations, and the sweet goodness of swimming on a hot day. Like I said, Capay Valley is always good to me.

Rick and I have this serious cursing problem. A few days ago before we left, she received the most skin-crawling lecture because she said the F word to Papa. Aha ahhhh it was hilarious! It was on the dinner table too! I was biting my tongue so hard not to laugh. And it looked like she was about to dissolve...or burst into laughing tears or something.

So underwater, we played the middle finger game; (game when both participants must do different poses underwater with their middle finger[s] ) LOL.

And well, I made a video! It's the first montage video I have ever made, with a great song. I just wanted to do a test run because I want to do a montage for Fox's beach day tomorrow. It'll be great! I can only hope, aha.

Being back in Fremont always felt good, especially when the heat is at present like this. Makes me tingle inside, in this very creepy way.

Well, I'm excited for tomorrow.

PS. I missed you.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Happy birthday Foxx3 !

You're at far away Tahoe right now, and I terribly miss you. I'm only minutes away from leaving town, and by the time I get back here, you'll be back too!

I hope you're having a glorious birthday right now. Because you only deserve everything beyond glorious, promise.

I'll see you in 4 days!

By the time I get back, you'll be back too. I can barely contain myself.


PS. Capay Valley is always good to me.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I just had the most uncomfortable sleep of my life. I tossed and turned more than I can recall. I had no pillows. The wall was pushing at me, and on the other side, an ass sandwiched me against the wall. My phone kept vibrating. And every time I read the texts, it was of something incredibly stupid. My dreams were haunting and irritating. My semi-conscious thoughts were getting lost. I was hot and cold all at the same time. And when I finally decided to wake up... The bed cover decided to eat my hair or something. Because it looked like I shed.

Over all of that, the prior concern that wouldn't let me be was the thought that dragon queen is deciding to say good bye to me. It scares me. It scares me, and relieves me all at the same time.

I kept saying to myself that I think I'm in trouble. I haven't felt so crazy in so long. Literally insane for being so happy and so worried all at the same time. Ever since I watched 500, I'd been finding myself feeling sad. But not because that was accurately how I felt. But because the whole thought and idea of the movie is just sad. And the music, the soundtrack of that movie devastates me. I mope, and I pout, and I pace around my house, wondering why the hell I feel so bloody sad. And at first, I couldn't reach a conclusion because I know that I'm happy. I know that I am at my best. But I swear, the music... It confused the hell out of my core.

Back to my point, Taylor said that this is me being a teenager. That we feel this way, feel this emotional, and feel this infatuated at some point. I'm just so surprised, so astonished. You could, at this point, scrape my jaw off the pavement. She said I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I should just accept it as it is.

"The heart asks pleasure first; and then excuse from pain."

It's just... I didn't think dragon queen was going to leave me any time soon. I didn't think there was anyone as of present that could make dragon queen leave.

I suppose... that if she does depart... Then good riddance?


Saturday, August 8, 2009

I was casually on my couch this evening, watching my parents on the kitchen. There was this sudden eruption of pangs in my chest as I looked at them. They were putting the groceries away, and playfully arguing about "washing the meat." Pa made this face that was meant to taunt Ma, and he laughed at himself for it. Ma rolled her eyes, and they both shared this intimate, secretive, quiet laughter. Like no one else was around them. I immediately knew that I yearned for that.

For quite a while now, I'd been denying the thought of marriage in my life. It's all so ridiculous to me. Binding my life with someone, legally documenting it on paper and ring. I came to this conclusion that I don't intend on marrying.

But when I'm in my house, when I'm with my family, when we're all in public, and they hold hands, share their laughter, and take on the day together, I can't help but want it. I can't help but imagine my life married. Wedding, babies, a home, and all that comes with it.

When I'm out in the world, with my friends, with everyone else that strolls by, I don't want it. I consider it as..."I don't want to get married. I don't to prove my love for someone with a damn ring." That's exactly as how I would go about. Majority of the time, this is my belief. I believe that divorces could cost as much as the wedding. The divorces could happen faster than when a child is born. Divorces are more common around me than strong, bonding of marriage.

And it's sad, because the strength of my parents together should convince me well enough that love exists in this way. Love will find us all, at some point. But it only convinces me for a second or two, and I'm back to my reality.

Nothing is definite, or absolute in our lives. It all changes. If I ever want to marry, I only want to do it once. I don't want to resort to a divorce.

The time that my parents were from is just completely different from the time that we live now. Now, we are generally founded by public displays, titles, sex, and pretentious reassurance. And on that very rare occasion, there will be those two people that love each other beyond the circumstances of our time. But like I said, it's on that very rare occasion. I haven't had a taste of that rare occasion. But if ever I do... my beliefs will be otherwise.

Until I find that someone that will make me think it's possible for me, for us, for this time to marry, and stay married. And live a life with someone, till death do us part, then I'll believe this song...
"Time, time is gone
it stops stops who it was
well i was wrong
it never lasts
there is no
this is no modern romance"

If I ever find something like theirs, then I could never ask for more...

Friday, August 7, 2009

The face of evil, you see, is of a woman.

Reality vs. Expectation

"Something I was never sure of with you..."

That's right about when a tear formed.

Taylor wants this song to be played in every big moment of her life. And it's a great song, an amazing song indeed. And I understand that. There's always a certain song that I always hold on to. Except in my case, I have playlists.

I always think of what role I gave music to play in my life. And it's bigger than anything I know. It's utterly masochism. It's the only thing I know that can break me, and make me, and stab a whole bunch of holes in me while simultaneously repairing me. And I always want it, even if it'll hurt me. It's fcking weird man.

You'll understand it when you hear a song and you don't know whether you want to cry, or lay in bed, or run a fcking marathon, or jump off of some height, or ball a fist, or slither, or take your clothes off, or smile like you're on something, or stick your head out of a fast moving vehicle, or hug the hell out of someone, or make out like there's no tomorrow, or sit there and take it.

It makes me ache so much... But this is my favorite kind of pain.

Tell me, what the hell makes YOU ache like that?

Meet... Emma Stone
The girl Ian would potentially leave me for.
If she wasn't so mmm, I'd resent her.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

500 days of summer Pictures, Images and Photos

By far the best movie I have seen all year. In fact, it is head to head with Eternal Sunshine right now. Knocked off Nick and Norah's out of its place. I love it that much. I did. I began crying at some point. I didn't realize I'd take it to heart so much. But I did. And the end was hopelessly satisfying.

I was switching left to right, biting my lip with excitement! Fox and Jabe are my perfect company. And of course Noyc included.

The end of the day; always crash at Fox's. Their house is like a zoo. There's Max, there's Charlie, there's Sis, and there's my potbelly pig (Fox's feet). I had lavender jasmine tea today that tasted like her house. Specifically her hallway that leads to the bedrooms.

This is the summer of the best with the best. We all agreed.

PS. Fate vs. Coincidence

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I love Britney Spears, Idc.

"You're not ugly! You're the cutest damn thing in the world!"

Do you really think I'm the cutest damn thing in the world?/:

"Why would I lie? Every time I see you first thing in the morning, I wanna squeeze you! You have nothing to worry about! Promise[: "

S. Foxx3

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Lizzy Caplan, her real name isn't too attractive. So we'll keep Janis Ian, MEAN GIRLS [:

Monday, August 3, 2009

Love, K.A.T.

We did it!

Tami and Tay picked up the bird today, and we brought it home. Once I was out of summer school, we executed everything perfectly.

"Why is there a bird cage in my house..." She was in shock! Silence and hand over the mouth and all. It was heartwarming...

We named the bird Charlie Wallflower, in remembrance of our favorite book, and the infinite moments.

It's all so ironic. My fear of birds drove me to buy her a bird! She just loves him so much. Ever since the first day she saw the bird at the pet store, she fell in love with it! I watched her from behind the glass doors (in fear of being in a room of birds) adoring him, and I could just see it in her eyes that she didn't want to leave him. She told me the story of Tiki, her past bird. And Charlie was just the perfect birthday present.

Charlie will probably be the exception of my phobia. I touched his claw today... My first step, hella nice!


Kenny, Angie, Taylor.

We hella like you.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

"And if a double-decker bus crashes into us To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us To die by your side Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out"
Black, the absence of color.

White, the absolute of color.

Ultimately, they do not cancel each other out. One does not lap the other. One cannot dominate in any way.

It is a balance. The perfect completion of the ends and beginnings, and there's always everything in between.

I found this last night. In between the left over heat of the day and the chill of the night.

It's fucking creepy, but I smile like a pug lately.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Well it's a shock, shock
To your soft side
Summer moon...

I enjoy my nights. They've been cold, and wild, and winded. And I miss the heat, I do. But the drags feel so good, and I'm embracing this longing. I'm embracing these music, these people, these arguments, and these fumbles with dreams, reality, and the core of my optimism. And I'm on my toes more than half of the time, but I'd rather keep it that way than let my heels down at all.

The sound is so good.

I enjoy my nights.

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)