Saturday, April 30, 2011

"They're your favorite walls, but they're still just walls love."

Maybe now is the time I can redeem myself. When things are at their worst, my tendency to try and find an easy escape plan was always my first step. But everything taught me better than that. Taylor taught me better than that. Now is the time. I need to make it better. I will.

Watch. They'll see.

Friday, April 29, 2011

A hopeless relationship

I can barely remember the brief and good moments I have with my brother. I can remember short shopping trips with my family, random dinners out during the week nights, short and civil conversations that never last. But without those, all we have are the worthless and helpless resenting arguments and bickering. I am supposed to love Blithe and I'm sure I do but I cannot help but really hate him. I ran out of patience and any form of compromise to even have a relationship with him. Sometimes I catch myself just thinking of ways of trying to better him, trying to better myself being around him. And I think of enforcing those ideas in my head, but once he's actually around me, I just fucking lose. Every time. I would love to list all the things I resent about my brother but I can't help but turn this around on me. What if it's just me? There are evidences that I can't be the cause of our growing resentment for each other because my sister and I share the same exact feeling. But what if I just fed her that? What if she just follow my footsteps with that just like she did for everything else? And considering my relationships with the rest of my family, I seem like the proper culprit for the godawful messes in this house. Excluding my sister, I am distant with the rest of them. My mom, my dad, even my grandma. My mom resents me for just such a fucking cow of a disappointment. They are predisposed to believing that I will live up to nothing. And that's why they've already made big investments on my sister's future. My dad is just as disappointed. He's quieter about it. His body language do not suggest anything. But I know it. I'll always know it.

The communication in this house are ruins. No one really talks until it's beyond the worst. The last time we had a semblance of a good talk was 2 Decembers ago when I decided to leave my house with out telling anyone and not come back until a few days later. That may be one of the hardest talks I have ever had. I remember sitting on their computer chair fighting for breath over my cries and heaving and wheezing to get my words out. I was a fucking mess trying to tell them what was wrong with me. I think the reason why I have always refused to tell my parents a single thing about me is because... I want them so badly to ask. And you know, maybe they do ask in their own subtle way. And maybe I'm just too stubborn to notice it after all these years. Our relationship has the tangibility of disappointment hanging between us. Every day I grow one step further away from them. And neither of us are doing anything to stop it. We just say a few things about each other behind each others' backs and move on once the sting of it blows over.

I just reread what I had composed so far and of course Blithe would lead me to my parents. I don't want to disappoint any of them any further but I don't know how to make my first step of not doing that anymore. I have been their disappoint since I was young. I don't even remember when it began. So how can I go back and change that now? I always think that it gets better through the years. But I think we're just getting quieter and we're just getting farther away. And I don't have a fucking clue how to fix any of it. I just know that I have to stop being the fucking disappointment of this house. Either that or I start making future plans of just leaving everyone behind and be my own disappointment.

Friday afternoons

I'm sitting up on my bed, finally awake after a rather short night. The first thing I wanted to do once I opened my eyes was to 1) tell Chris to shut the fuck up about the beach. We're not going to the beach Chris. I think I received over 10 texts about going to the beach. 2) pick up Bukowski and read until my nutritional hunger is louder than this literary hunger. I stood up and picked up my book and my glasses from my desk. I started reading, getting a good flow of his words when juvenile distractions began ascending to my concentration level. After a few more lines all I could hear was 1) Blithe's incessant music from his phone coming from the bathroom. The bathroom has terrific acoustics so the ridiculousness of his music was emphasized. 2) Rik and Chris having play fights and their voices rising up and down on each other. These two are always bickering about something. If not, then Chris' strangely shrill voice just occupies the vicinity. Fuck his braces. No peace and quiet!!

Today I should:
1) Develop all the film I have left
2) Ride bikes, but that is a daily given
3) Read some more.
4) Ride some more.
5) I don't know, is it warm outside yet?

Till it bleeds?

I keep biting my fucking tongue! I feel as if... the moment I open my mouth, all the asshole things to say would just pour out.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Carefree please

If I could ride my bike with BBG all day and rest to play baseball with Drodan and fuck shit up in between with Ace and have meals with Rae and spend late nights, then my life would be just fine.

I am getting so worn out with the drudgery of life. I hate going to school. I hate working for something that I'm not even certain about. But I keep doing it because it's better to be doing something than nothing, right? And I can only imagine further disappointing my parents, more than I already do. That's probably the worst of it. How is success suppose to be defined? Is being happy enough? Or am I just being stupid, ignorant, and young? I feel as if this is just the spring itch pestering me but god damn. I picture things out so simply. I'm not materialistic or high-maintenance. The little things in my life satisfy me. And I hardly have anything to complain about. Is that ever going to be enough?

Now that I'm thinking back, I never found myself being ambitious. I would either aim low, or never aim at all. I AM SCUM.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"And you said, 'this is the first day of my life.

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy.'"

The other night we were in my room, sitting on the floor, legs tangled. Just another night after another day. I stared at the tiny slits of your eyes and the laugh wrinkles beside them. I don't remember what you said but then I felt a strange, unfamiliar lump in my throat. It startled me so awfully that I was hoping it didn't stamp across my face for you to read. So I smiled and kissed you in the cheek, and you sighed by my ear with that same satisfied sigh you always sighed with.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Tyler the Creator

"Sit inside our house and unplug all our phones"

The prettiest Telekinesis song. So sweet (':

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Ace and I finally edited the streaking video

All our gayboys streaking through Walmart and the mall. Next time we're doing this butt naked.


I am dreading the day I have to send back Nietzsche to Canon to get him fixed. Probably by this week he won't be with me anymore. But it's better to do it now before summer nears. I have been disappointed by the quality of my pictures lately anyway. My backup lens just can't do magic like Nietzsche's kit lens can. The worst part about this is that Ace is also returning BS which means neither of us will have pictures anywhere. No Canon love from me and no Nikon love from her. WHAT IF WE DECIDE TO HAVE THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES WHILE OUR BABIES ARE GONE?!

Even our cameras are bros.

The Liberty to pee in the hot tub

Luke's Rotating Photography

You need wings to glide

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)