Sunday, February 28, 2010

ADF sent me a link...


Relieves my weekend stress..

LOL Why won't you guys acknowledge this?!

Ellen Page


Guess who misses front bangs?


And my mother is blasting 80's music from her bedroom. I can't even pay attention to watching Whip It. Or doing my homework.


That's my mama!
Joyce is so cool..i dont know how i suvived a week with acism

Yesterday; Movie Marathon

Excluding Whip It since I've already expressed how I feel about it, these are the movies that Ace, Vag, Ferna and Ry, and Joehl and I watched till 4 in the morning. Nice way to come home after a week away from home. Couchpotatoing with some the bests.


Saturday, February 27, 2010


Without Fox and Ange... TAYDRIAN exists! The newer, better, more intriguing celebrity couple. Bradgelina. He loves her. She loves him. I love them. They love me.

Too Much Slug For One Hand!

Friday, February 26, 2010


"...I doubt I'll be seeing you around."

I've had one of the best five days of my life.

I was a cabin leader at Camp Campbell.

And I will now document how it was. SO CLICK CLOSE NOW.

Nature Name: Narwhal.

The most of these 5th graders had no idea what a narwhal was and how to pronounce it. But cmon, I had the most original name. None of that Panda Tiger Lily Phoenix shit. NARWHAL.

Cabin Group Name: Manzanitas!

I learned what a manzanita is. It's a little shrub in the chaparral with little tiny apple look-a-alikes, hence "manzanitas".

Field Teacher: Mark Beetle.

I got the cool, indie teacher with his beanie, skinny jeans and flannel, and full beard. Loved 311 and clearly, The Beetles. Always with his guitar. A cool fella that I could talk music with.

Cabin Leader Buddy: Ariel, aka Super Nova.

A second timer so she kept me up to date. Good conversations. Good, chill person. Great taste in movies. Open-minded and comfortable to be around. Half the time, I was lost with out her.

Cabin Kids: From Smith Elementary

-Andrea- My little helper. I gave her a green slip at the end of the week because she's been my right hand buddy. Always kept me in check, asked me the time, knew all the things I missed. She was the little leader. Girls thought she was bossy, but she was such a great help. Favorite!

-Adrian- AKA AJ, or as how I referred to her, 'Age,' I told her AJ was too long for me. Another one of my green slip kids. She was always prepared. Very mature, but very funny and intelligent. She was...different. And looked like Matilda! But she reminded me of Tay most of the time. Idk if it was because I missed her, but what a coooool kid. Really one of the coolest kids I'd never thought I'd come acrros. Favorite!

-Alena- Slowed me down for the most part. Woke me up almost every night to pee. A nice girl, but cmon... She became very attached, like everyone else I suppose, but I wasn't that comfortable with her.

-Jessica- Alena's best friend, they're like two peas in a pod, kind of outcasts of the group. More bearable than Alena, but like her, not one of my favorites. Nice girl though.

-Marissa- LATE. Always late. She didn't pine for my attention as much as the other girls but when she did, it was either a long story or..."I need to pee." She wanted a green slip. Then again, everyone wanted one.

-Anya- Lovable girl! Friendly to everyone, including the other leaders. She always did chores. She woke up in the middle of the night to buddy up with someone that needed to pee, unlike everyone else that refused to be a buddy. I could've given her a green slip. A favorite!

-Vanessa- Super best friends! She was a sweet heart, didn't try to get my attention too much either. Didn't cause too much problems. Doesn't always stand out to me, but makes one of my favorites.

-Brianna- The one that reminded me of Nikki. She reminded me of Nikki and I's science camp week. Best friends with Adrian, she understood my personality the most. Fun-loving and friendly, but didn't have to try so hard to be coool. A favorite!

-Bianca- The pristine looking girl that wears Juicy Couture. Rich, popular girl. Quiet and kept to herself, but not shy. Just not her exact circle of friends. My ONLY yellow slip. But only because another cabin leader caught her horseplaying with some little boy. Favooorite!

-Hunter- Funniest girl of the cabin. But never, ever tried to be funny. Didn't try to get my attention. Loves puddles and her rainboots. Named Best Soccer Player of the Cabin because almost all of them played. Made me laugh so much. She was a wild child!I called her Killaaaa because she was hella thug! Probably my second favorite kid.

-Amanda- And my very favorite! I gave her my cookie chip name tag because she kindly asked for it and I thought it'd be nice for her to remember me by. Every night, when everyone else fell asleep, she'd be up, and I'd hear her cry. She said she hates falling asleep last. She's always alone. She wakes up alone at home. She hates being alone. When she'd cry, I'd talk to her until she fell asleep. We talked about her family and her pets and anything else she wanted to talk about. Always stayed at my side. But didn't once annoy me. My favorite!

Evaluation: Overall, couldn't ask for a better field teacher, cabin leader buddy, and cabin group.

From day one I thought my set of kids would be great. When we got to our cabin they all kept telling me how they wanted me as their cabin leader, if not me then Tiger Lily..but everyone wanted Tiger Lily because she was the pretty blond girl, aha. And almost my whole group of kids were blonde-haired blue-eyed kids. I am now completely accustomed to "Naaarwhaaal" said in a tiny cute voice, followed by a request, story, joke, or miscellaneous statement to get my attention. We all got pretty attached to each other. They were attached to me like sticky on honey and they carved out their own little spaces in my little heart. I didn't know I'd like being with kids so much. They heard me cuss. They heard me talk to Ian. They asked me personal questions. They exhausted me. They made me laugh. They kept me up. They told me I was the best cabin leader ever. For these five days, they were my everything. And I wouldn't change any minute of it. Probably, not even the mud and rain. I'll have to throw away my shoes and wash my clothes till they're ripped into shreds, but these kids were worth it.

Final Thoughts: I already miss my cabin kids. I already miss being at camp. And... I'm upset I forgot to bring my camera. NAAARWHAAAL. The same camp songs are playing in my head.

Monday, February 22, 2010



You will survive this week with out us! Don't worry! We'll be back before you know, and like I mentioned, we are going to lovingly reunite!

French3 will be a breeeeze. Right?! You've been doing so well. Fox and I were just talking about how proud we are of you. And if anything Ian will be there if you need assistance. He'll probably bug you at lunch too! He'll just love your company. He really wants to be bestfriends... aha.

Have a very good week darling!

I love you! I will miss you. I will see you soon.




It's 8:53am, and my cabin leader buddies must be taking their time because I am just sitting, waiting, anxious.

Thank you for visiting me this morning. I really thought I wasn't going to see you before I leave, which is very unlike us. So thanks to you, I had a terrific kickstart morning.

I'm going to miss you very much. I hope you don't lose touch with reality through out the week with out me. I know it'll get tough baby, but I'll be back to make you sane again, AHA.

Fortunately this week, you can eat more during lunch because I'm not there to leech off your money with my cravings. And you can eat your favorite chips! Because I won't be there to complain about the taste in your mouth! Unless someone else will be there to complain about the taste in your mouth... My only hope is that it'll be Van, Gabe, Jake, etc. Not some boring girl. Some dull, boring girl that for some reason, sparks your fancy.

Have lots of bromance time and Tay time! Spend some time with Tay while were gone. Be the best friends that you always wanted to be! Aha I know you love Tay!

Before I leave, remember that I love you very much. And I'll miss seeing your face these next 5 days. So the next time I see you, I might attack you. You have been warned.
PS. Remember, boys don't cry. Men don't cry! Suck it up babe, cmon now..

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Cabin Leader; Quinn Pats Narwhal

Hello World,

Will you miss me? OF COURSE YOU WILL. I am the highlight of your week, the sweetest part of your day, and the cherry to top your nights. My absence this week will present you with agonizing difficulties. You'll ache, and yearn, and long for my very existence. But don't you worry. I'll be back before you know it. I know you won't forget about me.


PS. This will be fantastic.

New Album SOON?

A part of me will always be a sucker for MCR d:

Favorite Album? Easy, I Brought You My Bullets...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

If It Kills Me


I miss you.. so much.

Quel heure est-il?

Il est deux heures du matin, exactement.

My friday:


Mind is blown. I highly recommend.

My friday:

Every weekday morning, it gets more difficult to wake up. First thoughts in my head lately have been 1) Ian. 2) DROP OUT OF SCHOOL FUCK THIS SHIT. and 3) Did I finish homework?

And we only had a 4day week this week. Most exhausted I've been. It's why I couldn't wait for Friday. Friday meant Shutter Island and that meant good things.

Shutter Island broke my bad movie streak in the theaters. Since...since when? This year so far I've watched...Avatar, Dear John, Valentine's Day, Lovely Bones... and they've all been either lame, disappointing, or just bad. Shutter Island was not a disappoint. Not lame. Not bad. It was just GOOD.

I've been at the movies every weekend for the past like...4 weekends. And I've been in some double-dates lately. Tonight was my first double-date night with Fox and Yuri. Ian loves Yuri.... very very...VERY much. They are very cute.

I am very very tired. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore.

D'accord, bonne nuit.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Passive VS. Indifferent

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Crocodiles Cry

I was having a very calm and easy night, thinking about good things and thinking about a good sleep. Then I got this sudden urge to listen to Disintegration, so I did. But now I'm feeling semi-sad. I don't know how The Cure could have that such an effect on me, but they do.

Like today, Ian and I walked into AM/PM and this upbeat pop song was playing with the most familiar voice and I knewwww it was Robert Smith. And I was washed over with a wave of happiness. I was dancing and bouncing and smiling everywhere! When the song ended, I was left with this euphoric aftertaste. ...Then Vampire Weekend played happiness just continued on.

Just saying, THE CURE.

Guess What I Found!

This is an entry I wrote from last summer, when Ian came back from Nevada. Morning after the first firepit night. I never realized that that morning was the beginning of when we started saying "I'll see you whenever..."

Second Chances

I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...

I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.

He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.

From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.

He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.

Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.

The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.

His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.

We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.

I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.

"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.

I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.

I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."

And since then, I haven't been the same.

PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.


So good that a purple, zebra-striped whale is named after you.

Home; Tuesday Afternoon; From Fox

This made me realize that hey, I like me.


1. Play now, work later
2. Laugh at childish things
3. Idk, jeez.

1. My knees pop when I bend them
2. I'm very concerned about weather and season
3. I soak my dentures every night... :D

1. Have my house
2. Travel

1. Take forever to get ready
2. Someone holds my books for me (not optional)
3. I whine about my insecurities sometimes

1. Oooh a car!
2. Have an amazing summer
3. Figure out..what I want. Hah.

1. GREAT taste in music :D
2. Idc what people say, I like the exaggerated arch of my feet

1. When I think with emotions. That shit pisses me off
2. Short torso
3. I don't think I have a talent.

1. Rats with wings
2. Not doing what I want
3. commitment,

1. Music
2. Aloe/water
3. Ian

1. Be a MAN.
2. Humor/amaze me
3. Smile lines. Ian's smile lines.

1. NOT be terrific
2. Know what I want for the future
3. Dance.........

1. Teach English France!
2. Florist. Completely random.
3. Sniper..

Monday, February 15, 2010


Was cute.

I spent it with the married couple Aiza and Brian, and my Ian during the day.

And by night, I was with Fox and Yuri and Vag and Cody and Tam and Dmitri and Phillippe and my Ian for a firepit night.

I came home today and my headache came back.

Well, I've had a very good weekend.


It takes so long to upload videos, so I just show you my favorite one of the Aiza Sleepover Night! Cheese puff poop.. I was trying to launch it off my navel.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Alice Ayres

I'd forgotten how much I love this movie, thanks to SG to remind me. Definitely a favorite. It's 3:14am and I had just finished reuniting with it.


I still have the same exact headache. And I'm very afraid to fall asleep. I've got this feeling in my stummy...or..somewhere down there that tells me it's either anxiety or my need to urinate. And I definitely don't think I need to pee.

Right thigh sore from badminton. Just the right.

Friday, February 12, 2010


I call this sleep session The World's Throbbing Headache. I didn't even transfer in my room last night. By the time I woke up around 3am, my head was already trying to kill me. Literally expanding and imploding. As I felt the pain half asleep, I really convinced myself that I had a brain tumor. Brain cancer perhaps? And that I'll be dying in a few weeks once I wake up. I kept trying to figure out why I could be in so much pain...

Then I recalled yesterday after lunch when I found Aiza fuddling at her locker, dropping almost every single object she was holding. I approached her, asked what she was doing, then banged my head on the locker in front of me. It's so natural that I do things like that..that neither of us even reacted to it. It wasn't deliberate..but it was purposely. And now I want to die.

Badminton practice today. Ready.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Feeling sad when I'm in school is the worst. I usually don't because I'm too distracted with people and work and other things that just keep my mind off. But today just wasn't the day.

I was just walking. Just walking in the middle of the quad, the sun streaming down, my jacket off, my hair pulled back, and it should've felt great. But oh I felt sad. I kept feeling sad and I kept thinking how sad I felt. The weather was so delightful but I stayed so quiet and so distant from the world. I hated that. I felt so vulnerable in such a public place.

It felt like tears were about to stroll down if I kept sitting on that bench staring at nothing and thinking nothing and saying nothing. So I stood up, and we walked home. The most silent walk ever until we reached the World's Longest Stoplight where I began spilling my guts.

I started to feel better untillllll he left and I had to get on my work. Even Cynthia commented on my mood today. I kept apologizing and told her I just felt very sick and sluggish. Even with Dean's bright sunshine mood there I couldn't help but feel sad.

Being complete is like a comet. Only comes ever so often and goes by just as fast as it came. I am in the snore-neck stage. I'm staring up waiting for a comet. I'm waiting for the next time I'll feel complete again. I'm just starting to feel the sadness of a dark sky, you know?

Incomplete? Only for now.


I promise I didn't mean to come across this but I did and well, it was nice to read. This is my sister, RV. People always leave. But we're both here for each other, no matter what.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

In Need Of A New Smell

The cousin of Daisy by Marc Jacobs; Lola. Yeah, I don't think I love it. Or like it. I don't know. But I am in need of a new smell. My VS filler smell is running out. Options? Lemon by Marc Jacobs or Cucumber by Marc Jacobs. I'm leaning towards Cucumber. Very spring, no?

Divine Intervention

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

-Finishing my homework
-Being the meanest and most eccentric TA
-Nyquil (love and hate)
-NJ !!! The best person.
-Saving Face and Imagine Me and You
-Olivia Wilde, oh you knowwwww.
-Fistfighting with Ian.

Hm, not much lately. I've been occupied.

I Need You So Much Closer


Ian hasn't stayed for a family dinner in a little while, so I was very happy that he was here tonight. I love when he's here with the family. I truly do feel complete when he's with us, chatting and laughing and joking and eating. He's always insisting on doing the dishes and he knows I hate dishes. Even if I yell at him, he'll keep doing it. So I end up doing it with him, no matter how much I dislike it.

He went to volleyball today. I thought it was very random and cute of him. God, everyday, I really do realize how much I love him. It's ridiculous. He always disproves my beliefs in relationships before he happened. I don't know how. It just tells me that... it really is about the person. It's not about the principles or situations. It's about the person. And it just feels like... he's for me. Because... he's always so good to me. And then some.

"I need you so much closer." Just a good song.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Wristcutters: A Love Story

A favorite.
I'm in my English class, Tinez-less because Superbowl was yesterday and he's probably too hung over. His mom is here for a sub and we are watching Troy. I'm irritated because Paris and Helen are stupid. They've pulled a Romeo and Juliet and that really just piss me off.

So stupid.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Black Stained Pillow

That's what every dreadful morning should be titled. When I don't wash off the night before and it stays on my pillows to remind me just how horrible it was. You know what I'm talking about. Like your misery is the prints that your mascara left behind. My eyes won't stop stinging. I still hate this.

This day feels so damn long. It's 10:51pm, and I want to be in bed, asleep and unconscious and dreamless. But tonight, either I won't find sleep, or if I do, I'd have to take a few swallows of Nyquil beforehand and my sleep will pretend things are ok. Then I'll be dreaming the strangest of dreams and I'll wake up and I won't feel better.

I'm constantly asked how I am feeling. I really don't mind, I just don't know how to answer. And when I do, I probably just sound absurd.

Some moments of my days are better than others. It's easier when I'm with Ian. But with everything, my worst fear is clinging on to him. I don't want to. It's just nice to really know someone is there. I hope I don't acknowledge it too much. I'm too afraid.

Why do I have so much to say? But every time I reread over, it doesn't feel like I'm saying anything at all. What I don't like about dealing with things is that I pack everything on atop one another. I dig up other things in my head so that I won't have to deal with what's at present.

I think that's why I've been looking through old pictures from the past. Pictures with people that have completed me before, completely different from the people that complete me now. And I'm trying to figure out how I got to where I am now. I keep thinking about how much people have come and gone. And how it'll just keep going at this. And how I always have to accept it.

God, I need some sleep.
Don't make someone feel like they mean to you more than they really do. It's mean. It's really mean.

I Hate This

No matter what distractions I have for myself, which homework I have to do, which people I can spend my time with, what movies I could watch, music to listen, which thoughts ram together, I can't escape the fact that I end up thinking of you.

And how you won't be here. How we just went seven days with out anything, and when we finally reach each other, you tell me you're leaving. Sometimes I want to force myself to be mad at you for choosing to leave because I want to avoid being sad. I can't even talk about you. I can't even think of you.

When I watched Dear John the other day, every part of me was shaking to tears because I kept thinking of you. And the movie was shitty, but I kept thinking of you anyway.

When we cried there by my doorway yesterday, when you watched me cry and cry and not say anything and not look at you. When I let myself pour out the thought of not having you. I hate this. I hate this. And I hate that you're gone.

I want to go back. I want to go back so that I can have you again. I just want my best friend. I want to piss and moan and cry and throw a fit and scream and yell and call out for you. I want to go back. If anything.

These three months will hit me like a big swollen rock. Seven days was a long time. The longest we went with out each other. I counted every day and thought about every day. And I missed you every day.

I can't believe you're not here anymore. Three months already feel like the longest days of my life.

My last words to you,

I love you.


The day I've been dreading for months has come sooner than I could imagine.

I get to be as sad as I want.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Photoshoots From Yesterday

They were so fun! Even if I had to endure through the strangest of obstacles just so she can get the perfect picture. Her passion for photography was sooo goood!

I don't know why I've been looking through old pictures lately, but I have. I keep coming across the ones that I've completely forgotten. But they're all very sweet. Especially when I come across the ones with past boyfriends. Oh hoho! How strange for me to see myself with someone other than Ian. But sweet, all very sweet.

'My unwillingness to strive for the extra mile to your unwillingness to trudge on halfway...'

Friday, February 5, 2010

One of the most horrible things you can do is lie to yourself. Lying to other people is one thing. But when you lose your own truth, then no one else around you can have the truth. Which means there's no truth at all.
How important is the truth to you?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I am so snotty and congested that I used up all the breakdown tissues to satisfy my very fed up noes.

I have lost my complete sense of taste and smell. The house provides me with no Nyquil. My voice is cracky, weak, and throaty. And Chief is rudely peeing on my window.

Tell me this isn't the best night of my life.


Last summer, we couldn't go anywhere until she cleaned her room. So almost every time we wanted to adventure, we had to clean her room. Enjoyable time. Her room--as she's stated--usually looks like what could be present day Hiroshima. So a clean MakaylaRoom is a miraculous moment. YAAAYE!

Smarty Pants

I was just testing something out to make sure the upload thing worked. And it does. But here they are anyway. Playing a game they invented instead of tutoring her with francais trois!


It's like not knowing anymore. And it's strange to feel this strange. It's these pangs. Everything around me that's trying to make sense of it. These pangs.

It's like not knowing anymore. Like strangers. And I hate every minute of it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010



"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?"

-"It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"I would have been a disaster in the Garden of Eden. I'm terrible with temptation."

-Olivia Wilde.

ADF, Nicest Person Ever

If you don't agree with me, then you've never had a second with him.

It's almost impossible not to like him, or love him. And I'm not just saying that because he's the love of my life and that I'm completely and ridiculously head over heels for him. But really, he's just the best, most amazing person to know, to have.

And no one will be luckier than me. Because he loves ME. Since I've had him, I can't imagine myself be with anyone else, because they'll just feel like anything less.

Adrian Del Fierro is the most beautiful person I know, hands down.

(Aha wow I need to stop blogging about him..)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Big Sigh

I can't stop thinking about how amazing today was. We always have the best times, but why was today so much more than it usually is?

There's nothing left to say other than saying...

I am in love with a unicorn. The prettiest, most beautiful unicorn in the whole world.



I hate the end of the day when I know it keeps getting darker. And I don't say anything. I just sigh, and always, you always bargain ten more minutes for me. A whole hour of ten more minutes.

You're the sweetest part of my day.

I hate that I keep sitting here, thinking of what I could say about you. But nothing's ever good enough. And the most remote thing running through my mind is this song...

"'Show me show me show me how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream' she said . 'The one that makes me laugh' she said. And threw her arms around my neck. 'Show me how you do it And I promise you I promise that I'll run away with you. I'll run away with you.'

Spinning round that dizzy edge, I kissed her face I kisser her head. And dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow. 'Why are you so far away?' she said. 'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you? That I'm in love you.'

soft and only
lost and lonely
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream."
-Just Like Heaven, The Cure

I wish there was a better way.

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)