Monday, November 30, 2009

La Chambre Verte

From last to first:

No need for eyebrows


Ugly kids deserve to be loved.


Well we're clearly busy.

I stepped on my own toe and she's just uggers.


Fuck Feelings


fuck their feelings,
fuck his feelings,
fuck her feelings,
fuck your feelings,
fuck my feelings,
fuck our feelings.


Fuck it,

I'll just sing songs, and drive around fast with my friends, and walk around with the walk I own, and own the way I talk. And we'll keep this light, and we're gonna have fun.

And we don't have to fret about a damn thing.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Last Day of TG Break; Spent happy when PF Chen comes over to eat 4 corn dogs.

And I Told Her, I'll Just Say 'Fuck It!'

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I just bought hair, and I just don't feel like blogging.

Till whenever.

Friday, November 27, 2009

We Are Cute

Look at us hella jammin' under the rain. Fox drew her hair really accurately. Except it's not dark brown.

I love us.

Whose Turn? Ace's!

I didn't even greet you Happy Thanksgiving, 'cause fuck it right? We don't do that kinda shit! So I'll just confess to everyone... or anyone that comes across this blog that you started off as like a little sister to me, but now we BROS!

So it's a Monday night, and I know that once the clock strikes 8, our show goes on. One of us will text the other, and it's's always stupid when the other isn't watching. Even if it's a rerun! I miss PS, don't you?

Our '07 falling out might not even be the last. But I hope that's the last extreme. 9 months Ace?! How did we go 9 months with out speaking and in less than...even a week we rebuilt everything! Tell me that's not amazing.

You've stayed for 3 summers now, that's the longest anyone has ever stayed! It's because you're an Andrade. And you come home at 4 in the morning and crawl in bed with me with out my consent. And you're playful to my granma when no one else is. And we have assloads of "YEAH WE SHOULD!!" ideas.

You know what the vag told me? She's the most envious of you. It surprised me at first, but as she explained how she perceived you, it all came together. Everyone knows you're badass, and you don't give a fuck, and you care but just not enough, just like Ange. No matter the occasion, you're gonna be yourself and we get what the full 100% Ace that we'll never expect. You are a pain! But you're the only pain that I would ever put up with like that. But at least you're a life, and we can't get bored.

What am I even doing with this? You know! You just know! We're just bros!

I knowww that you know that I love you, and that you're the bestfriend that's gonna keep me YOUNG! Either young or grow gray hairs really quickly. Either way, it's your job as Ace to do so.

I love you Ace!

Snow's Turn!

It's passed 12 so I want to say that you're tucked in bed sleeping peacefully. But hey! Somebody loves you, and that wonderful somebody must be me! So I'll just confess to everyone... or anyone that comes across this blog that you anchor me, and you keep me planted on the ground so I don't lose my sanity.

I can tell you so many things, and all my little daily drudgery and the silliness of the majority of them and you'll talk me through and give me the patience that I find so rarely. And you're so different! I never expect the same response from you as I would receive someone else. You open me up to new perspectives and give me something to think about.

The first time I met you, I couldn't even approach you. I didn't know why I was so damn intimidated but I was! But you sent me that giraffe text, and I just loved you right then! I trusted you quickly, very quickly. You made it so easy for me to open up.

And I liked that you trusted me. I loved it! It felt good being the source of some reassurance for someone because it's like being needed. You're like the baby to us, but the mama at the same time! Your preciousness makes you the baby, and it makes you far too lovable you know? But your take-charge, responsible characteristic makes you the mama that leads us!

BFD was the best with you. Fremont is better when you're in town. Kennedy is better when I get to see you even once a day! Far away Pleasanton just makes us miss you all the time!

You just keep me on my feet Snow. When I need advice, I know to turn to you when I want to do the right thing, the best thing for a situation. And as much stresses and responsibilities you have, you provide me with security that I need from a best friend. Unlike my HIV test results, you stay positive and keep me positive. All I have to do is text you, or even call you and I'm safe!

I hope you know that I love you dearly. I don't think I've ever told you that I sort of kind of really look up to you. What I want to be when I grow up? Something amazing like Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart. You're a hard-working thug and I'm lucky that you even spare any time for me with everything you have to do. So everything you do for me, it makes me feel lucky. Lucky like the last few drops of Aloe juice in the fridge.

I'm proud to call you my bestfriend, so don't forget about me any time soon okio?

I love you Snow, I love you like a Special K bar when I'm desperately famished... except I love you a lot more than that!

Fox's Turn

It's not Thanksgiving anymore, but I still want to blog about you. Because I blog about everyone. And I love you so painfully much, so I'll just confess to everyone...or anyone that ever comes across this blog that you gave me the best happiness I never even asked for.

You’re the drastic change that I have always needed to better myself. I started waking up in the morning and finding reasons and purposes for myself. And through the day, I’d start cleaning out my life from all my accumulated bitterness and hatred. You taught me to just fuck it and choose happiness. That’s what we’re about. We always choose happiness.

Last Spring when you came into my life, I never expected you to be the one that has me shining so damn bright. And all summer, we were bursting! We danced to our songs and sang out like it was always the last day of our lives. We adventured, and went about the day amazing and epic. And we were so infinite. We strived to live and lived to be alive.

And how I’ve changed. I felt it so strongly. I hated birds Fox, I feared and hated them. But your fondness for them opened up me up to my own fondness for them. And so we got you Charlie, and you were so happy. And now you're my lovebird and I'm just happy. And I used to hate Dr. Pepper! And I never napped, but we died all the time.

It’s always so easy to miss each other too. We can’t go 24 hours with out seeing each other or else it’ll feel like months, and we discuss this every time it happens and we think it’s strange, but it’s just us and I love us.

So I hope you know that you’re that fire in me that makes me want to live completely and infinitely and amazingly all.the.time. You have my back and I have yours, and no bitches compare, fuck the system right? We’ve worked so hard for our happiness, and the gray days in between can’t ever take that away from us. You’re my best friend, and you’re amazing.

I love you Fox, I always love you.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


shut the fuck up.



Do you know how many times I had to start over?! I don't even wanna talk about it!! I'm on my second color! First color, I rubbed my thumb all over my eyes and RV had to use nail polish remover to remove it. THAT SHIT BURNS!

And now I'm back to blue, and I was doing so damn well until all of my texters started tempting me and bammmmmm..I texted and I messed up.

Fuck it, just fuck it. I'm going to take a shower.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Won't Mention That You Wanted Me To Blog About You

So I'll just confess to everyone...or anyone that ever comes across this blog that you are absolutely the freshest breath of air that I take.

It's always so easy with you, so simple, so relaxing. I don't have to kill myself with analysis and scrutiny, ever. I don't have to worry about what to say, what to feel, how to act, or even how to look. You hate it when I wear eyeliner because it drags on to our time. And you'll never give me a decent answer when it comes to clothes because you're a guy, and you don't really care. You just want to get going. But I drag on the time anyway, and you get your almost fake irritation, bitch about your fake bitching, and then we finally get going.

For two years now, our friendship only gets better and better. There's never too much pressure, too much promises, or any problems. We just waste time together like a couple of kids wasting time together. You are my center. You have always been my center. You're like a cup of tea, or a really good nap. I don't stress with you, or even around you.

And I can never, ever, or have ever gotten sick of your company. It's not even something for me to think about anymore. It's just something so natural to me. Too much time with you never wore out our friendship and too little time with you never tensed up our friendship.

I hope you know this much. And I hope you know you'll always be my best friend. The easiest friendship I have ever had in the 17years that is my life.

And I think you already know, but I'm proud of you. I am always proud of you. Everything you put your mind to, and all the things that you tell me, it always makes me proud of you. You are so good, and you don't even know it.

I love you Jabe, maybe even too much.

"Summer Skin"

Squeaky swings and tall grass The longest shadows ever cast The water's warm and children swim And we frolicked about in our summer skin I don't recall a single care Just greenery and humid air Then Labor day came and went And we shed what was left of our summer skin On the night you left I came over And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders Our brand new coats so flushed and pink And I knew your heart I couldn't win Cause the seasons change was a conduit And we left our love in our summer skin
I love Jacon's granma's house so much. And I like her so much. I introduced myself and offered my hand and she took it and hugged me! She's so precious. And that house! Such a lovely living room! And Angel, what a good dog.

Good day..


The Vag found a magical song to add on our dancecraze playlist.
I just crawled in bed, and no matter how much I try, I just can't sleep with pants on anymore. I curl under the blankets with pants on and several moments later I peel them off seeking comfortability. Except when I sleep next to someone. But even then I just want to take my clothes off.

If We Keep Saying It, It'll Come True Eventually

It's 1:24am, and I'm too restless to sleep. Yes I doodled it out on paint.

Nothing To Lose?

I feel like I have everything to lose. And on a good day, that's a good feeling.

But on a bad day, it wears me out. It's exhausting to be possessive and protective and up and ready to bite at a throat at any given chance. Mine mine mine.

Not long ago, I was careless enough to be light. Featherweight light. Cloud 9 light that my happiness was for me, and I didn't give a fuck about much else. It was about my want, my desires, my goals, my impulse. But day in and day out, I care more and more about my surroundings and I don't like this. Because I've already been like this. And it fucks you up, it really fucks you up.

It's my feelings, it's these damn feelings that I'm letting me penetrate. I shouldn't have, but I did and I am and now it's all about these damn feelings. These little paranoia feelings and wariness and unnecessary uneasiness. And it's not just my feelings, it's everyone else' feelings. And I shouldn't even be too concerned but something so significant changed, and we felt it and then acknowledged it. And we tried going back and we tried putting it all together but it's changing and it all keeps changing. Like last week, and yesterday, and today.

It's not just one thing, it's everything. And through everything, I try to keep that one thing that stays constant and consistent and is the center of my living. But even with that, my fear over everything is leaking all over it. And then I try to convince myself that everything will be alright, and everything will settle down. But I'm tensing up and stressing out. And I just need that one careless thing that I don't have to think about. And that one thing that I don't have to worry about. Whether it'll leave me, or hurt me, or I'll hurt it, or whether I'll let it down. And at this point, I'm losing a grip on that center.

I'm not breaking down, I promise I'm not. I'm just exhausted. Even this house has lost its luster. I've given up almost full responsibility of being the event hostess because I'm so out of my mind lately. No Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I didn't organize an End of the Summer Picnic last summer. I feel as if I resigned on my birthday, and that big bash was it. I don't know if it's just how the house makes me feel, but I swear, these damn feelings get in the way of everything.
E V E R Y T H I N G.

Your feelings will always get in the way of it. Once you acknowledge them and open them to the world, you can't turn back and you can't just go back. It's out there and it stares at you in the face and then it starts to stare at everyone in the face. And all of these faces are just involved and you wish things would just be different. Lately, that's how I am with everything.

I don't want to put forth my feelings anymore. I want to keep it solid with facts and statistics and concrete evidence. But I know I can't be like that. Because my heart is warm to too many people. I have responsibilities. It's what happens when you build relationships.

The upside is I am never lonely. But that's almost a lie because with these damn feelings, I start to feel lonely.

Aha I wish I can make this thing understand so that I'd be typing the right words and phrases. Or that I can make anyone understand and then they'd drag me out of it, and I'll be alright again. But this is just me sitting a little bit on some pity.

I'll be fine, I just need to get a grip on some things and let go of many other things. I'll figure out the way eventually.

Happiness I always know to choose, but what about outside of that? Does anything else matter? Someone share some thoughts with me. Please?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Things are changing again.

I won't push anything.

I know it just won't be the same.

I don't know how much I believe that this phone will last, but I have really really high hopes that it would.

I'd be so devastated if I break this too.

Monday, November 23, 2009

At this very moment, I'm in love with a generic brand of Lucky Charms more than anything in the world.

It's like God created a whole new heaven in my mouth.

LET'S MAKE A STOP MOTION VIDEO :D?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

This Song Was Blasting At The Gas Station Last Night

Juno Temple!

The 2nd Great Escape Night


This time, Jabe, Fox, Ace, Flip, and I drove to Pleasanton to visit Snow. I tried blowing up her phone till she woke up, and I ended up calling her. I had a good time, everyone had a good time?

Minus the Jacon, I had all of them last night. Snow had some unattractive hush puppies at Denny's. Flip ALWAYS chooses bros over hoes. Ace snored, SHE SNORES. Fox had a rush singing "Fat Lip". Jabe MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. And we played the Johnny Foreigner song over and over and wished it was longer than it is.

"And hold each other a little closer..."

I think we've found our autumn song.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Night Windows - The Weakerthans

She's So Cute



Dear Ty,

See this?

Yeah. I think you have a problem.


Just kidding, I miss you.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

"I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart"

I Dragged The Ancient Laptop Back In Because I Don't Want To Be Lonely Tonight

Johnny Foreigner is stressing me out, but in the good way. In a very good way. In a very distracting way.

Wanna know about my day? Oh I know you do.. Just kidding, I know you don't but fuck it. This is MY blog. My blog that people refer to quite often...but MY blog nonetheless. And I get to say whatever I feel like saying. And I feel like ranting so I'll share.

This morning, I woke up at 8. Feeling good, I went to the kitchen and made some hot cocoa. I peeked out of the window and saw how lovely the morning looked. So, I took my hot cocoa and sat outside on my porch. It only lasted five minutes. I got way too cold... So I went in my room where it was cozy and warm...and then turned on the fan. Yeah.

I got a call from my darlinglove, and it all was so smooth until he told me that he was taking away the Ipod from me. Let me just admit that I was way too shattered. I was over-dramatically shattered about it. I thought to myself, On top of not having him for 14 straight days, I won't even have my music when I'm feeling quiet and lonely? Goddamnit I was such a mess for approximately 30 minutes. I halfway got over it, as long as I didn't think about it.

Several hours later, as I was getting ready to go to Fox's house, a familiar sound chimed through my house. I mean... the doorbell rang. It was my surprise, my darlinglove. But I saw him, and realized that he was saying goodbye. And so my heart felt heavy, and I buried myself in his chest. But in his hands, he presented me his phone, a letter, and his Itouch... with all one thousand of my songs in it. He said, I wouldn't let you go through with out your music, and smiled this glorious smile. And then I called him stupid, and laughed to myself at how amazing he always is.

We stood in front of my doorway for hours, and I just stared at him. And I tried to memorize the shape of his eyes, and his smile lines that I adore so much. And I told him to stay safe and not forget about me. And he reassured me more than I needed, and I told him I'll be alright. And I kissed him more times than I can ever remember, and we said our I love you's more times than we can ever remember, and then he walked out my door, and I looked out till the car rolled away. Ilovehimsomuch.

After, RV and I walked to Fox's. I love the anticipation of walking to her place. It always feels like home. Flipperina was already there eating pizza, and I wanted a sandwich but was too lazy so I grabbed a pizza. Well, I love Fox. I always love Fox. I even miss her right now.

The family and I went to the movies after. We watched 2012. That shit stressed me out. I don't even think I want to talk about it. Fuck man.

And now, I'm texting JB, and I miss him too. I really really do.

Crap, this is such a rant.

Ian is 3 hours into his flight. 15 more hours to go! I hope the flight remains safe.

I'm down to my last bottle of Aloe.

I want to watch Eternal in a few minutes.

I don't know what else to say.

Fck this was long.
A few things that grind my gears:
-When someone does my laundry for me with out my consent
-Stubbing my toes
-Getting shampoo in my eyes
-When Max approaches me after drinking water
-When aloe is gone
-Cawing birds in the morning
-Dead ipod
-No picture messaging
-Toilet seat left up
-Toilet seat covered in bodily fluids
-When dad tells me to sleep
-Unnecessary morning rushes
-Falling asleep on barely dry nails
-Forgetting my pencil pouch
-Forgetting my chapstick
-Recognizing a song lyric but not remembering the name of the song
-Doing the dishes.

There's so much more, but I'm getting too sleepy

Friday, November 20, 2009

"You see alone we stand, together we fall apart"
I think rain will get us before I even step out of this room. It's cuddle weather, and I just want to be happily in bed.

Few more hours.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

15 Minutes

It's funny when I put the world on mute. Except I never laugh, and they'd ask me what's wrong. And in my head I always respond, There's nothing wrong with being a wallflower.

It's always a different song, but it always blends in warmly. Any song, any scene, any face, any expression.

Today, as I nestled in the quiet of sitting on the teacher's cushioned seat, I observed. I learned more about the people around me as I watched them than when we'd exchanged some words. I found who liked the attention a little more than the norm, and who wanted to be left alone, and who was too preoccupied to even keep their head in the classroom. I saw who meant to play nice and who wanted to fit in. These people, they're ridiculous. And the majority of them had the objective of making the class laugh. It was funny to see the subtle disappointed expression on someone's face when they didn't receive as much laughs as expected.

Drowned by the humorous objectives, there are those that watch like I do. And it was nice watching them too. It's like they could have the same thought patterns running through their brains, though I always doubt it because I find mine more strange and obscure. And I always wonder if they see me too. And then I chew on that and feel a little alone all of a sudden. Because I convince myself that no one is watching me, and no one sees me, and no one shares the same. But as alone as that feels, I still like the pleasantries of my quiet, and their quiet, and the others' murmurs because we're all in the same room after all, and I couldn't keep that alone as long as I watched and remembered that these quiets and these noises are what brings me home to the peace I have with myself.

Some days it's nice to find myself some silence in a place scattered with sounds. Because most days, I'm one of the loudest sounds in the places scattered with sounds.

Waited Up Till It Was Light

It feels like ancient days. But I miss everyone all the time.

What I've been doing:
-Eating Special K Bars religiously in the car on the way to school
-Leaving my ipod dead
-Coming home when it's dark
-Listening to Matt and Kim in the morning
-Not doing Chem homework... at all.
-Not attending my Psychology class
-Thinking about living with my boys Jabe, Jacon, and Anthony
-Not thinking about the Saturday night to come
-Messing up my shower routine so I end up having to shower in the morning
-Not listening to Death Cab because it depresses my mood
-Sleeping ridiculously early
-Avoiding the thought of donuts
-Making attempts with this permit thing...
-Planning to spend time with some old/new friends during the break
-Thinking about Great Escape Nights
-Being happy, very happy. Always.
I'm in ceramics, avoiding any contact with the sloppy grayness that could only be clay. I owe two projects. And another unfinished project that I cornered in the darkness of some crowded cabinet.

I've been busy lately.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I want to take the midnight train going anywhere. But I have to wait...

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's amazing.

For you, I'm willing to challenge myself with anything. Anything. For you. Always.

It's been a good day.

Don't hit the soft spots.
Ahrooooooooooooooo(f) ruff rff ruuffffffff F U

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The next door neighbors just got new German Sheps. I woke up this morning with their damn barking, and I am now going to sleep with their damn howling.

u_u omfg.

Thanks Fox

I Think I Really Miss ...

This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie ‘The Graduate’. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent’s marriage she’d only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.



Eeeeeeeeeee nom nom

She Broke

The Vag made a Tumblr and is actively using it. I peeked at it and saw that it looks like it could be mine because of all the content.

From Eternal to 500 to The Smiths on there... MMMMMMHM.

December 22, YOU WILL BE MINE

500 days of Summer - Expectations vs Reality from G. on Vimeo.

Heartache heartache heartache

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The 14th of November

So I guess I'll just acknowledge it now.

Happy 4 years[:

Aiza, like you said last year, I'm glad it's still a happy. Well, I'm always glad it's still a happy, yet again for another year. Even if things aren't the same anymore and we aren't the same people anymore.

Tu sais que je t'aime toujours,

That still matters too right?


PS. Ahem Wingman, I hope you read this and hit your forehead with your palm while that lightbulb is shining brightly next to you. UH HUH.

Way Mcracken



I always loved this..

I really want to be a jumper.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

All I can think about lately is moving in an apartment with JB

He always does the best job taking care of me.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


My eyes won't recover from being so bloodshot. Before my mental health day, I woke up with bright red eyes. Like satan and I have been playing the staring contest all night. The people that just assumed I had been crying, I'd told them that Adrian broke up with me. And I spend the whole night crying. He didn't like that very much, but it was so funny. Others thought I was stoned, and my being a spaz just didn't help my case.

Two days later and my eyes are so slowly getting better. Sleep deprivation only adds more red, and the sniffles is making my eyes water. But yesterday was good.

Spontaneous ideas are always my favorite. After my mental health day, I decided that taking the night out would be amazing. So I gathered Jabe and Fox and with the fresh company of Jacon, we drove me out of my house at 1something in the morning. I landed on my foot wrong trying to jump off of the bush under my sister's window. And now it's sore.

Of course, we were plan-less. We purchased energy drinks. We drove aimlessly for an hour, then landed on San Jose. We saw a peek of the night life. People gliding away the streets, laughing loud and living it up for the night. They looked like they were having fun, so I felt like I was having fun. Or at least, I hoped that I looked like I was having fun. Because it looked fun looking like I looked like I was having fun. It's just fun.

We kept driving around for a place for JB to eat, but 2 in the morning means places are closed. So we just drove and drove, and made U-turns and lefts and rights and straights and in and out of parking lots. No Ipod, just the shittiest radio stations with our desperate hope that a good song will play.

I think driving up to East Bay was my favorite. I always love driving up there, because JB takes me there. And I look out when we're high enough, and believe when I say, things are better at night. During the day, the view going up to East Bay looks gray, fake, and worn. But at night, when there are lights, and it's quiet, and no cars pass by... Then you HAVE to step out of the car. With your socks on, and your best friend beside.

We made a U-turn, and found some adrenaline rush. We rolled the sunroof, and stuck ourselves out as he cut down hill. JB accelerated, and we were like the rapids. You know when we talk about being infinite? Last night was one of those nights.

Our final stop were donuts, and that completed it for me.

The thought of home made me sad, and angry, and frustrated. And before I knew it, I was sneaking back in the front door, in the silence of the dark morning, and the slight disappointment that I didn't get caught.

Then I slept, making sure that I stain my pillows with the darkness from my eyes.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

2nd Visitor


He ditched class and brought me home Kitkats and Dr. Pepper.

I wouldn't mind marrying him. He's just that good.

I love mental health days[:

Mental Health Day

I thought I had the most horrible night.

But I woke up better.

And I slept with some LSD dreams.

And I thought about our pinkies.

And WHAT THE FUCK. Tami just dropped off some donuts for me. Goddamnit they're such faggots. Always good to me. Always.

Monday, November 9, 2009

It's dark, and I'm tucked in bed. Every next thought that comes is a thought more painful than the last.

I can feel the aches. The weakening of my bones. The pangs that swift through me, across me, all over me. I can feel them on my fingertips and my palms, all the way down to the bottom of my feet. And my chest, it's like being ripped apart by a pair of merciless, bare hands. I hate these aches.

Why does everything hurt all of a sudden? I don't want this. I want out.


This Song

It's been months I'd heard it. And it makes my heart well up.


Fox and I had this moment.
JB and I had this moment.

I need to keep remembering that my life is good.

How I Miss Summer's Happiness

Remember Heather,

I miss her.

I remember when she left, I never got a good bye. I was on vacation, and she left before I can return. She was a sunshine that sophomore year. And now she's gone, and I miss that sunshine.

Ferna used to call her Little Foot because of what he thought were her abnormally small feet. When really, they were just small. And she was so happy all the time that it was contagious. We adventured, and I miss her.

I didn't even get a lot of time with her. Right when we started getting close, she left. She left to get some SoCal lovin'. And inevitably, we drifted. I remember she was the reason why I started writing letters and having pen pals. We exchanged addresses and had cute stationaries and wrote to each other almost every week! I anticipated every week that surprised me with a letter. But then the letters started coming less frequently, until they didn't come anymore.

And now on this shitty day, feeling this shitty feeling, I want some sunshine. But I can't seem to find it.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I Feel Like Crying.



My heart aches again.
I always feel this sense of comfort laying in bed and watching someone get ready to step outside with the rest of the world.

The sound of clothes slipping on skin. And I'd lay there, watching, staring. And my silence playing with the movements.

And then there's my favorite that I detest. The phrase or gesture that signifies that it's time to leave, while I get to stay in bed. The goodbye that's sweet and simple, and always makes me want to hold on longer.

Then out the door, and silence flows in again. I would bury under the covers, and just wait.

Sometimes, I like being the one getting ready.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

18th Anybody?

They finally sent us the digital copies.

But I'm still far too lazy to show you guys all of it. Therefore, here's one adorable picture of my best boy and I.

JB, I love you very much. Did you know?

Poor Guy in Our Homeroom Class is Jayson

This is Fox, ranting about ...things that Ange doesn't particularly like to listen to. But I do anyway, because I tend to listen to her rants, no matter what she wants to rant about. So instead of listening to her face to face like usual, she sent me a video.

PS. She shits on you.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Seattle's Best

I really never thought twice about my happiness. Never questioned its presence. Never tried to change what already is. But something sparked in me today. Maybe not sparked, but poked at me like an annoying kid with a stick. And I really don't know what triggered. Or why. Why of all the days would today be...the day?

I think it all began with the lovebird today. Well, there were these birds that Fox and I saw a few weeks ago at the family pet store. Hybrid lovebirds to be exact. And the first glance, Fox and I were immediately reminded of us. One bird was nestled behind the other, and they just held each other like that. You should have seen us. I was cowering behind her because of my being overwhelmed by all the birds. We adored the birds, and since then, we couldn't stop talking about them. Today, we decided to pay them a visit. I was actually very excited to see. The progressing anticipation of walking to the pet store only backfired at me once we were inside with the birds. Above us was the same cage that the lovebirds rested several weeks ago. Except this time, only one bird was in there. And I must say, I was crushed. I would have never imagined myself disappointed by something I'd once feared. But I was crushed. The sole bird was there, hardly moving. And he just looked sad, and felt sad. And it reminded me of when my family had these two lovebirds, and how when one died because of some sickness, the other followed right after, due to loneliness. And I don't know, my heart was just ripped.

Following that were my scattered feelings. Confused, and lost, and empty, and overwhelmed, and passive, and quiet, and so detached to reality. I felt myself being silent, and I couldn't speak up. Not even with JB or Fox there. I didn't want to spill over my gray feelings over the bright yellow that exuded out of all of them tonight. But I should have known, silence is too damn loud.

After watching the Fourth Kind, I fell into my silence. Almost permanently. Starbucks was no help, and Borders certainly wasn't either. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. And she never believes 'I'm fine' because who ever believes that? But I do remember wanting to get the hell out of there. After my long pauses with human contact, I went and bought myself coffee. I thought it'd help perk me up and keep my insides from being so icy.

Coffee only led me outside of the store. I paced a few feet outside Borders' doors, for several minutes, not caring whether or not these strangers minded me.

Then I sat on a ledge, and pushed myself away where I can only hear my thoughts. Where only I narrated, and only my opinions and feelings mattered. And being there, it astonished me. I hadn't realized that I have not been there in way too long. As solitary and dark as it was, I felt so alive in this strange way. Like I was able to see outside my emotional barriers. Like I saw things with out the influence of anyone and anything. And I was standing on the ground that I hadn't paved, but have been willingly following. It felt amazing.

I looked up. The clouds patched the sky red, while underneath was the stillness of the black horizon. And against the horizon, I only saw trees. Trees yellow and green, adapting to the weather. Trees that were skinny, and bent in one direction. Like they were all almost falling, but couldn't be broken. I felt like I was them. Like I was a damn tree falling, but could never be broken. I liked it, and I didn't.

The harshness of the white lights piercing through yellow leaves bothered me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want the cars there. I just wanted to keep getting lost until I found myself. It was strange. Like my roots have relocated, and I had to keep finding other locations to find...the right location. Which never really moved at all. I just grew, and I was scared that I didn't know where to come home to.

That's what I was. I was lost. I was lost, and I thought that by staying lost, that I'd find myself in the middle of being lost. It made sense to me before, and I think it still does. Because I began to find myself, and the more pieces I saw, the easier it was to breathe, and blink, and move my fingers into realistic consciousness.

And now, I need to keep finding more pieces of myself because I'd been lost in so many people, and so many events and pasts and futures, and music in so long that I don't really know where I'd gone. I thought this would be a breakdown. And if I hadn't stepped out of that bookstore to give myself time, I think I would've cracked. But this realization gave me enough to find that stability within myself.

I need to keep happy for the sake of my well-being. But not just happy. I need to be balanced, and at ease, and comfortable. And I can't be on the verge of cracking. And I can't keep any breakdowns to myself. There's so much out there. I just need to keep my eyes open, and breathe.

The moon hid behind the clouds tonight. And as a Cure song played, I started to feel better and better. And I even started to sing along.
Roughly twenty minutes ago, I turned to JB as I sat shot gun while he flipped through the radio stations, and asked him, "Did highway to hell play yet?" trying to make a reference to Final Destination.
We drove into the freeway 7 minutes ago and he still was flipping through the stations. Suddenly, highway to hell played. I was startled, but jokingly. Then I asked, "OK if a motorcycle passes by..."
Two minutes ago, a motorcycle passed by, and I almost shat myself.
Then I asked, "OK if a truck with logs passes by..."
If there is no follow up to this entry after several days, then assume I'm dead.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I Should Breathe.

I miss venting on this thing as if I exist with out best friends, or friends at all. I just feel like I have nothing worthy saying. But I do, you're just not interested. Are you?

My sleep has been off in a fancy turn. I sleep so extraordinarily early that I flabbergast when I wake up in the morning and realize what I'd missed out on the night. I like my sleeping early, actually. It gives me less time to think so much, and more time to... not dream. Because I hardly ever dream. And when I do... they tend to be oh so...explicit. Aha.

The weather was semi-lovely today. Does anybody else pay attention to the skies? I feel so silly, and aged. Like I'm the only one paying attention, and the only one finding kind beauty that doesn't ache to break me down. Only to well up in me like ...the way blue fire looks. Did anybody else see the moon a few nights ago? Warm, yellow, and huge. And it let me believe that we're all alright, even just for a moment.

I've been wanting to be smothered in solitude lately. But not exactly. Because when I find myself alone, I want to be smothered by somebody. I've just been overwhelmed. Like I'd finally come face to face with my responsibilities, but instead of getting to them, I turned away and left. I just hate it. I hate the feeling of being tied down, or held back by something, anything.

I don't know why, I just feel like I'm less free. Or...that I'm not as free as I know I should be. I'm young and thumping out of my pants. I NEED to be reckless and irresponsible. I need to be out with my friends, polluting my days and nights with adolescent savageness. But I'm so restrained, and so controlled, and I can't find my balls to get myself together. It's pitiful really.

There's so much I want to do. But my parents, relationships, and everything else in between. I feel like it's stopping me. I don't really know what I'm saying. Or what I want to say. I just know that someone like me, shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I can end up doing unimaginable things that can tear everything apart. In a split second.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

500 Days of Eternal Sunshine

She's right. I'm vicious. Maybe that's why these are my favorite movies.

... NAH. It's just good.

More More !

I keep watching them by the dozens!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I remember the first time I saw this years ago. It still hurts my heart. It reminds me.

What Sarah Said (Directions DVD)

Death Cab for Cutie | MySpace Video
"People have all kinds of feelings.

Doesn't mean we have to act on them."


Sunday, November 1, 2009

I Feel Like Sharing Photos From Days Ago

RV's birthday from hell. But in reality, this was her best birthday ever.

Do you know why we're all laughing? Because Dad really wanted a picture of us but we couldn't bare being in the same room as Ace and her demon rancid corn food thing and the smell of it. So we burst into laughter and tried not to breathe. She's not even in this picture cause we didn't allow her to move another foot.

That one family party when it miraculously rained, and when Kanye started being gayer than gay. Yeah I remember.

I'm always a handful, but he can never admit that.

I'm sure I have more pictures. I'll look for more!

Ange, get it together.

Ange and Co. : Always choose happiness.

Roman: Always choose half penis.

A L W A Y S . C H O O S E . H A P P I N E S S

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)