But on a bad day, it wears me out. It's exhausting to be possessive and protective and up and ready to bite at a throat at any given chance. Mine mine mine.
Not long ago, I was careless enough to be light. Featherweight light. Cloud 9 light that my happiness was for me, and I didn't give a fuck about much else. It was about my want, my desires, my goals, my impulse. But day in and day out, I care more and more about my surroundings and I don't like this. Because I've already been like this. And it fucks you up, it really fucks you up.
It's my feelings, it's these damn feelings that I'm letting me penetrate. I shouldn't have, but I did and I am and now it's all about these damn feelings. These little paranoia feelings and wariness and unnecessary uneasiness. And it's not just my feelings, it's everyone else' feelings. And I shouldn't even be too concerned but something so significant changed, and we felt it and then acknowledged it. And we tried going back and we tried putting it all together but it's changing and it all keeps changing. Like last week, and yesterday, and today.
It's not just one thing, it's everything. And through everything, I try to keep that one thing that stays constant and consistent and is the center of my living. But even with that, my fear over everything is leaking all over it. And then I try to convince myself that everything will be alright, and everything will settle down. But I'm tensing up and stressing out. And I just need that one careless thing that I don't have to think about. And that one thing that I don't have to worry about. Whether it'll leave me, or hurt me, or I'll hurt it, or whether I'll let it down. And at this point, I'm losing a grip on that center.
I'm not breaking down, I promise I'm not. I'm just exhausted. Even this house has lost its luster. I've given up almost full responsibility of being the event hostess because I'm so out of my mind lately. No Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I didn't organize an End of the Summer Picnic last summer. I feel as if I resigned on my birthday, and that big bash was it. I don't know if it's just how the house makes me feel, but I swear, these damn feelings get in the way of everything.
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Your feelings will always get in the way of it. Once you acknowledge them and open them to the world, you can't turn back and you can't just go back. It's out there and it stares at you in the face and then it starts to stare at everyone in the face. And all of these faces are just involved and you wish things would just be different. Lately, that's how I am with everything.
I don't want to put forth my feelings anymore. I want to keep it solid with facts and statistics and concrete evidence. But I know I can't be like that. Because my heart is warm to too many people. I have responsibilities. It's what happens when you build relationships.
The upside is I am never lonely. But that's almost a lie because with these damn feelings, I start to feel lonely.
Aha I wish I can make this thing understand so that I'd be typing the right words and phrases. Or that I can make anyone understand and then they'd drag me out of it, and I'll be alright again. But this is just me sitting a little bit on some pity.
I'll be fine, I just need to get a grip on some things and let go of many other things. I'll figure out the way eventually.
Happiness I always know to choose, but what about outside of that? Does anything else matter? Someone share some thoughts with me. Please?
Not long ago, I was careless enough to be light. Featherweight light. Cloud 9 light that my happiness was for me, and I didn't give a fuck about much else. It was about my want, my desires, my goals, my impulse. But day in and day out, I care more and more about my surroundings and I don't like this. Because I've already been like this. And it fucks you up, it really fucks you up.
It's my feelings, it's these damn feelings that I'm letting me penetrate. I shouldn't have, but I did and I am and now it's all about these damn feelings. These little paranoia feelings and wariness and unnecessary uneasiness. And it's not just my feelings, it's everyone else' feelings. And I shouldn't even be too concerned but something so significant changed, and we felt it and then acknowledged it. And we tried going back and we tried putting it all together but it's changing and it all keeps changing. Like last week, and yesterday, and today.
It's not just one thing, it's everything. And through everything, I try to keep that one thing that stays constant and consistent and is the center of my living. But even with that, my fear over everything is leaking all over it. And then I try to convince myself that everything will be alright, and everything will settle down. But I'm tensing up and stressing out. And I just need that one careless thing that I don't have to think about. And that one thing that I don't have to worry about. Whether it'll leave me, or hurt me, or I'll hurt it, or whether I'll let it down. And at this point, I'm losing a grip on that center.
I'm not breaking down, I promise I'm not. I'm just exhausted. Even this house has lost its luster. I've given up almost full responsibility of being the event hostess because I'm so out of my mind lately. No Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I didn't organize an End of the Summer Picnic last summer. I feel as if I resigned on my birthday, and that big bash was it. I don't know if it's just how the house makes me feel, but I swear, these damn feelings get in the way of everything.
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Your feelings will always get in the way of it. Once you acknowledge them and open them to the world, you can't turn back and you can't just go back. It's out there and it stares at you in the face and then it starts to stare at everyone in the face. And all of these faces are just involved and you wish things would just be different. Lately, that's how I am with everything.
I don't want to put forth my feelings anymore. I want to keep it solid with facts and statistics and concrete evidence. But I know I can't be like that. Because my heart is warm to too many people. I have responsibilities. It's what happens when you build relationships.
The upside is I am never lonely. But that's almost a lie because with these damn feelings, I start to feel lonely.
Aha I wish I can make this thing understand so that I'd be typing the right words and phrases. Or that I can make anyone understand and then they'd drag me out of it, and I'll be alright again. But this is just me sitting a little bit on some pity.
I'll be fine, I just need to get a grip on some things and let go of many other things. I'll figure out the way eventually.
Happiness I always know to choose, but what about outside of that? Does anything else matter? Someone share some thoughts with me. Please?
