Thursday, May 4, 2017

every time i leave my parents house, i look out my windows and see my dogs sitting at the front door, wagging their tails at the sight of me. 

i still cry driving away. 

my heart is so tender

and i'd say that this was an embarrassing admission

but it's not, and i miss them all the time. 

can't explain it. and i'm not sure how to express it or how to relate to someone else about it. maybe if my sister moved out too she'd get it. 

but for now, i quietly think of them as i continue to go on with my days. 

and maybe a tear or two will escape while i work through the mundane. 

can't imagine how i'd cope as a parent. 

i said i wouldn't disappear. i've talked about how of all the types of people, i wouldn't be like them and disappear. 

but i think that maybe

it's ok to disappear.

i have shit to do. 

Monday, April 10, 2017

Tuesday, December 27, 2016


Maybe she's eclipsing everything else.

How is it that everything else feels ordinary?



I can't find a song more beautiful

a film more beautiful

a dream more beautiful.

Not a view more beautiful

or words more beautiful.

If I should be in fear

or in panic

should it set in soon?

If this will ever carve me out entirely

If this will ever...

Friday, December 2, 2016

On Wanting Something You Don't Have


After empathy came a wave of envy. A wave smattered with a faint recall of something festive. Something we all once knew before. Lime green. There goes the center seat in the back. No seat belt. I don't think about it often. But when I do, you should see me trying to blink back into clarity. 

After the wave of envy, I just wanted to scream it out. It seems so selfish. Surpassing selfishness even, and teetering a tip-toe to childishness. 

The apparition became a shadow. The apparition danced, but the shadow conversed into itself. For itself. A shattering transformation. Like a manifesting transcendance of something I'd always thought I'd have to use...but has never actually been mine. 

Denial trailed just footsteps behind me. 


The Trial.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

12 20 2012

"If Death--who was out there all the time, possibly sitting on the hood--if Death stepped miraculously through a glass and came in after you, in all probability you just got up and went along with him, ferociously but quietly."

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)