Wednesday, March 31, 2010

An Essay to Share

Disclaimer: This essay is 201% accurate, realistic, and true.

Angerica Andrade

Block 1

Martinez

Favorite Holiday? Labor Day

Since I can remember, I’ve never been fond of Christmas, or Halloween, or Valentine’s Day. Holidays hardly ever appealed to me, or amused me. Except for one. I’ve always loved Labor Day. No other holiday has brought me so much happiness. I’d wake up on a cold, winter day and think about Labor Day, and all of a sudden, I have the energy of a 15-year old in summer time. In an alternating fashion, I spend my Labor Days with either my best friends Franklin and Rosemary, my uncle Gerardo and aunt Sophie, or my entire family.

When I spend Labor Day with my best friends, we’d always take a road trip once the clock strikes 12am. First on our list is creating the perfect playlist to listen to while on the road. Once we’re on the road, we turn up the music, blaring. Then, just for kicks, we’d drive with our headlights off in ten minute intervals. Very dangerous, sometimes scary, but we have fun. We’d head out to Palo Alto. Since we drive so early, we stay at this tiny church. We’d all talk until we fall asleep on the pews. Once the sun rises, someone from the church would wake us up. Then we’d go to a park nearby where the three of us would do our Tai Chi near this stream abundant with tiny fish. Then we’d get our kites out of the van and fly until 10 o’clock. When we finally get sick of flying, we squeeze in the van again and head out to Berkeley. We always, always get once piercing each there. One year, my buddy Franklin got a piercing on the top of his foot! He wore flip flops the whole day. After we’re all holed up, we bum it at Fat Slice and buy one whole pizza. We’d laugh about our piercings and whine about the shitty bathrooms. Last on our city list, we drive out to Gilroy. We only come there for the garlic, like the rest of the world. We’d consume pounds and pounds of garlic bread and wash it down with bottles and bottles of ginger ale. Once we start to feel like regurgitating our quickly consumed garlic bread, the three of us would race to see who can the most garlic fries. We always bet that I’d win, but Rosemary always wins anyway. Franklin, Rosemary, and I have the best Labor Days together. You’d think it couldn’t get any better than that. But when I’m not having a good time with them, then I’m with my aunt Sophie and uncle Gerardo.

You must know, I love going on road trips, especially with my uncle Gerardo and aunt Sophie. On Labor Days, the three of us would wake up at 5am to pack up on beef jerky, mentos, and Red Bull. Aunt Sophie would usually eat all of the beef jerky before we’d even hit the road. But when we finally hit the road, uncle Gerardo would turn up our favorite band Animal Collective while simultaneously yelling over the music to tell us about how horrible his hangover is. “If feels like dwarves are trying to eat my brain!!” he’d yell to us. We make our first stop to the 4th gas station we’d see where we’d all buy matching sunglasses and more beef jerky. Once we purchase them, the three of us would pull out our matching hats that say “BITCHES GET STITCHES” on the front. Then we’d take a Polaroid and place the picture in our scrapbook full of pictures from past road trips. Every Labor Day we spend together, we always take the risk of picking up at least one hitch-hiker for the day. It’s our road game. Aunt Sophie is usually the smartest when it comes to judging which hitch-hiker we could pick up and not kill us or eat our intestines or steal our beef jerky. Uncle Gerardo always chooses the creepers with missing teeth and whiskey-smelling breath. He says that people that look like that help you build character. But they do tell interesting stories for creepers. One hitch-hiker one year told us a story about how he used to collect snails and feed them chocolate pudding. He said that his collection grew so big that snails covered an entire wall in his house. Usually we’d invite the hitch-hiker to bungee jump with us. Only two hitch-hikers ever accepted the offer. One didn’t know how to swim and one refused to wear pants, ever, so we just told him to watch. Before our first jumps, uncle Gerardo would say a 5-minute prayer to the Mayan gods. We still don’t know why. He’s not Mayan at all. After bungee jumping, we’d have a picnic. This is around the time uncle Gerardo would pull out a bottle of something to get drunk off. We like him better when he’s drunk anyway. He makes more sense that way. And he’s a great drunk driver. Aunt Sophie drives like she’s missing her eyeballs. That’s when she’s sober. So we usually don’t let her drive. When I’m not on road trips, I spend my Labor Day with my entire family at our house.

My whole family stays at our house the night before Labor Day. All of us would wake up before the sun rises. First, we’d make giant waffles for breakfast. We’d devour them so quickly and so much that on average, 2 members of the family would be outside throwing up on the lawn or face first on the toilet. After the waffles, every single member of the family must make a pie. No one could duplicate pie flavors. My dad is the worst at the pie-making because he’d gather all his ingredients from our backyard. My grandma is the best though. But I think that’s only because she’s cool and old and smells like cotton candy. And because she’s a pastry chef. I don’t know. Next, we’d gather up all of our pillows and pile them nicely in the living room. We don’t know why but our dog Collin would always pee on my uncle Gerardo’s pillow. And he’d get so pissed that he’d try to pee on Collin in return. My mom would take our bags and bags of marshmallows and pile them in the living room like the pillows. My cousin Roberto and I would take all of the peeps and place them in the microwave to watch them expand. We’d scrape off all of the expanded peeps and put them in Collin’s dish and make him eat it. He does not like peeps. During the afternoon, we’d go outside to jump on the trampoline. My sister gets so vicious in the trampoline that one of us ends up with a bloody nose, every year. Then we’d make helium balloons and inhale helium gas while singing the national anthem. You know, in honor of the holiday. Of course, what’s Labor Day without face painting? We let my brother in charge of the face painting. So when we’re all painted, all of us would look like crystal meth users at the carnival living the mob life. Finally, when it’s night time, we’d all gather in the living room, turn off all the lights in the house, and begin the pillow fight! My grandpa would turn on his strobe light, aunt Sophie would turn up her techno playlist, and we’d all put on our glow in the dark gear. There’s only one rule for pillow fight night: NO MERCY!!!!!

Every year, these holidays would come around; Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, Easter. But no other holiday will ever compete with Labor’s Day. Our family prepares for Labor Day like it was someone’s wedding. I take pride in being part of the family that appreciates this very special holiday. Personally, as a nation, I think we should all celebrate Labor Day with a little more enthusiasm. How many kids do you see excited and happy on Labor’s Day? Never? Never. Play now, work later. That’s what we believe Labor Day is. And so far, we’ve had the best.

Morning After Valentine's

I'm pretty sure.

I buried my best friend alive.






Clearly she dug herself out. Which means she really loves me.

At Apple; Adventure Day

Here's some pictures from yesterday. More? Maybe later.



Tuesday, March 30, 2010

An Adventure Day

Unfortunately, I'd left my camera at home. Though we did have sniper and another camera with us. It just means I can't upload them myself. So pictures another time?

One line: TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY.

Ian? Check!
Mikal? Check!
Ace? Check!
ANGE? CHECK!!!!

C'est tout.

A Quickie with Ian

Tay Cut Blitzkrieg's Tail









She was so happy.

SUN SUN SUN




WHERE ARE YOU!!
I WANT TO PLAY OUTSIDE

NJ.

YEAH, I AM HAPPY!!

YEAH, LEFT ME FOR TUMBLR TOO? AIGHT THEN AIGHT THEN.

It's almost your birthday. Goodness, I can't wait to see you!

Monday, March 29, 2010

No, It's Not A Sex Scene.

We're Kind of Beautiful

Just because you can't control me, doesn't me I'm out of control. It just means I'll do. And you'll do. And they're just verbs, I love you anyway.

We're really kind of beautiful. You're kind of beautiful. You're kind of the most beautiful person I have. You're beautiful because you make me happy. Because you're happy. Because I make you happy.

I want to get shit done when I'm with you.

I want to do things. Accomplish things.

You give me confidence, and you find ways to make me proud of the things to be proud of.

You feed me even when I don't ask to be fed. You fight with me about which of us should carry my things. You help my mom and dad do chores around the house. You call my sister just to check up on her when she's having a bad day. You listen to her ramble on about her problems, and she looks up to you. She actually kind of adores you. You love my friends like I love my friends. You kiss them when I kiss them. You give them compliments for the day. You surprise them with sweet things like you surprise me with sweet things. They think you're amazing, like I think you're amazing. When I need to vent about something stupid and girly-dramatic, you listen to me rant like a little bitch. When I'm being a bitch, you'll just smile like it doesn't faze you, and let the bad mood pass. You're so persistent. You don't get mad at me when I'm being stupid and mean. When our phone conversations die off, you keep it up, even if I just end up saying my mhm's. You'll make any ridiculous thing happen, as long as I want. If I want it, then I get it. YOU SPOIL ME. You send me pictures of Olivia Wilde just to make my day, because you know I love her! You let me ask you ridiculous questions that other girlfriends wouldn't ask, like "Who out of all my friends would you make out with?" And you tell me the truth! YOU CALM ME DOWN. You always keep my calm. You keep me balanced. You keep me centered. I can't lose it when I'm around you, when I'm talking to you. YOU GET IT, DON'T YOU?

I love you, you know that.


[Photo taken by Dias, M.]

I AM ABSOLUTELY REFUSING TO DO HOMEWORK

YAAAAAAAAAAYE!

Heey Ange, how was your day?

Oh you know, the yuuuuujooooooowal. Except, I finally went back to badminton today! HEY, it's fun to play with Chief. We laugh a lot. And it makes me forget how I didn't want to play. Game tomorrow, COME WATCH ME. Maybe? I'd love that.

REFUSING TO DO HWWWWWW.
Today, RV told me that she has an opinion about Chief. An opinion about Chief and I. Today, she told me that she still thinks that she's the only one that could really break me and has ever really broken me.

I found it so astonishing that this remains her opinion. While I, of course, completely disagreed and told her things otherwise.

I can't sleep, and for some reason this thought was running through my head. Just saying.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

LET'S BE FRIENDS


What I did this weekend.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

DOORBELL



Guess who left something on my front porch?

DO YOU LIKE BASS?



My nigga Aiz?

Listen to the Bible?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
- John 3:16

For years that I've been coming across this, I've always highly disagreed. This narrows the concept and idea of love in such a close-minded way. It's not this righteous, pure thing. Love is actually pretty fucked up sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I'm not being cynical about love. It's just...it's messed up, you know? Nothing fucks with people more than love does. Love makes us feel good. Love brings us happiness. But love can do the exact opposites too. Love can make us feel like SHIT. And bring us incredible pain. Love just IS. Love isn't anything but love. We can't try to analyze or define. Because it's different for everyone. Don't try to tell someone what love is or isn't. Because personally, I think it'd be douche-baggy of you.

Let's do love a favor and get off its nuts.

Spwing Bweak ?

LIST?!

-Take closet down
-Buy sweet looking dresser
-Paint room
-Go aquawium
...Monterey?
...BEACH!
-Bike rides
-A picnic or two
-SHORTS AND SANDALS SHOPPING
-Family trip, WHERE?!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Doubles

Today, I decided to attend a badminton game. It was a home game and Xav and Aiz wanted me to watch anyway, so I said why not?

Once I entered the gym, I had a scattering of people telling me that I'm supposed to be outside stretching. I guess considering that I decided to be lazy today and wear basketball shorts, people just assumed that I was on the team.

I talked to several of my ex-teammates and they kept trying to convince me to play again. Aiza especially. She's been telling me that we'd be great doubles this year, just like sophomore year! The more people talked to me, the more I considered.

I even played a game today! We won, of course. I forgot how much fun I have being partnered with Aiz. Anyway, I'm deciding, as long as I'm playing doubles and not singles, then I'd play.

I start Monday again. Kim can hella suck mine.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

PS!?

TAKE ME TO THE AQUAWIUM PWETTY PWEASE?!?!!?

:x !

Francais Projet! from angie andrade on Vimeo.



Just sharing.

Narwhal

The best thing happened to me today.

One of my kids from camp wrote to me! Not just any kid, my FAVORITE kid. Amanda! The sweetest thing.

"Dear Narwhal,

How are you doing?

You know that necklace that you gave me, i haven't tooken it off since! (:

Hunter (aka) Killa misses you a lot too! Do I have to keep sending letters to YMCA just to talk to you?

I wish you were here with me! ):

Please write back.

Your 1st best friend,
Amanda"

MY HEART ACHED SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This makes mY day, my week, MY MONTH! Makes me miss my kids so much ! D:

I'm excited to write back!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

SQUEAL!!



SUCH. A CUTE. FILM.

Maktayange

Good days with my best friends? The bloody best.

Spontaneous trips to Olive Garden for endless soup and salad is always a favorite. But here's two completely random questions for you...

HOW OLD DO I FUCKING LOOK?!

AND DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ON DRUGS?!


Monday, March 22, 2010

Blue Sky Noise

MORE GOOD NEWS!!

April 20, 2010; Circa Survive comes out with a new album.

TELL ME I'M NOT HAPPY!!!

1. Strange Terrain
2. Get Out
3. Glass Arrows
4. I Felt Free
5. Imaginary Enemy
6. Through the Desert Alone
7. Frozen Creek
8. Fever Dreams
9. Spirit of The Stairwell
10. The Longest Mile
11. Compendium
12. Dyed in the Wool

I'M READY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isles and Glaciers

Bff came forth with good new this morning in advisory. Jonny Craig? Craig Owens? Vic Fuentes? All you amazing vocals in one charming collab? HATE YOUR LIFE.

Just hearing them all together, my whole right leg was overwhelmed with goosebumps. This is ridiculous guys. Just when I thought all the good bands were going bye bye, they come up with THIS.

This even makes up for my newly painted nails that I accidentally slept on. Delicious.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

WELL

I'VE HAD A SWELL WEEKEND.

C'est tout.

I'm On A...

Good bands spree.

List?

-Arctic Monkeys (second album)
-The Kills
-The Shins
-The XX
-Franz Ferdinand
-The Fratellis
-Jukebox the Ghost

Jesus Toyota

Hallelujah !

After having Olive Garden several weeks ago, we witnessed this.


Friday night, we witnessed this again near my dad's work. Tay stopped the car with so much urgency, I thought there was a dead body outside or something. And considering it was 2something in the morning, I was pretty startled. But she pointed, and THERE IT WAS. Same exact car.


Anyway, just saying. When the 3 of us share a day together, we come across this. Maybe we're all going to heaven anyway. Sike. Stfu.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

He Wanted To

So I let him.

Untitled from angie andrade on Vimeo.


LOOK AT HIS PRETTY CHEEK BONES!

More Beautiful Days

Some amazing days, no?

I spent today with him.


And her.


See? He wants head. And I said no.



He thought I wanted head too.








Look at what he drew. He gave me orange hair. I said THE FUCK. And those things that look like grapes on his stummy, that's his 8pack.

Last Week?

The unFaces of ADF

Thus far...

The first, from September.


December.


January.


And my so far favorite, March.

Look at that smile. Those smile lines. THAT SMILE. Every time I take a new one, I can't stop staring at it. This ...mmmmm.

Can't find a lot of them.

Just sharing.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Most Beautiful Day So Far

After school:

-Ian and I purchased chalk and bubbles instead of Slurpees
-Cool walk to Mikal's
-Mikal and I scribbled and blew bubbles on her driveway
-The warmth was even scorching
-I peeled of my pants
-I put on her shorts
-I grabbed her sunglasses, Dr. Pepper, and crackers
-She put on shorts and her sunglasses.
-We counted her money on her porch from her Buddha
-We played catch with her wad of money for days
-On her couch then
-WEBCAM!!
-Laptop died.
-We died.
-Then I went home.
-And I've been with the Ipod since.

Don't feel like writing shit, I just like listing. Too happy to care!

HAP
PIN
ESS!

Letters from SD

"...I know you, very soon you'll get into another situation..."

Still so apologetic. Still so sad.

But I'm glad to hear from you.

Hasn't Failed Me

Guess who's tinkering with an Ipod right now? ME.

ADF = LOVE.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

BTW.

American Eagle provided us with good music yesterday as we sat on the couches for days. I WANT..IPOD IN MY LIFE BACK. I'VE BEEN MUSICLESS FOR OVER A MONTH. I'M SO EMPTY! Another contribution to my seasonal depression.

Another Beautiful Day

-Ian
-The Shining

Almost uneventful. With lots of fun. But one of my best days.

I'm pooped.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Nice?

My mind is leaving with after tastes of images that somewhat bother me. Since today went so well, I'm asking myself..."Are you being the best that YOU can be for him?" And it's true. I'm ridiculously selfish.

I'm feeling better now. So let's try this again. I'll try better.

Warm List

Some stuff:

-Sunglasses
-Hat
-Sandals
-Converse
-IDK, HELLA CLOTHES?
-New scents
-Summer necklace and bracelets
-Shorts
-Bathing suit

Some stuff to do:

-Buy paint
-Paint room; cream, one wall midnight blue
-Spring cleaning with Mikalalalala
-Develop some film
-Buy some film
-Get new SD card for video cam
-Find a gooood lookin' dresser
-Tear down my closet
-Visit Victorian home at Ardenwood something
-BEACH BOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just enjoy listing these things lately.

BEAUTIFUL DAY

I can barely see right now. I cripplingly need my glasses more often now, it's annoying.

I'll talk about my day.

It felt like the longest day. Waking up was a hassle. I honestly could not figure out what day it was. Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday. But it never occurred to me that it was Monday until about five minutes of unexplainable disorientation.

I expected the weather to be warmer by the time I arrived at school, but no. No. Not the morning. Warmth spread as the afternoon dragged on. Fox and I thought Servanda wasn't in class, so we dipped. Turns out she was in class. We stopped by the mall to look at some SpringSummer apparels and we sat on couches and benches and talked for days about the days we've had, we're having, and we'll have.

DID I MENTION IT'S MAMA TAM'S BIRTHDAY?! The big Five O. She's an amazing second mama. I love her very very very much! Yeah, she picked us up and took us home to the two lovely Matt and Tay on the couch attacking each other. They're so good it's disgusting. They're adorably disgusting. They even left the house cutely disgusting together.

For Tam's birthday, the family and I head out to a sushi place that I can't recall the name of but they all seemed really fond of. They served me the best sushi I've had in a while. I'm thinking of taking Ian there so we can consume some raw fish! They had mango ice cream and I had green tea ice cream. GREEN TEA ICE CREAM TASTES LIKE SUMMER. It was heaven in my mouth.

By the time we returned to the house, it was already late, it just didn't feel like it. Everyone scattered on the couches, and we watched...20/20: The Bachelor. Yeah, wtf Daniel, right? Aha.

That's..just about my day. I had Red Machine this morning, and that kick start my day very well. Ian had these guys deliver them with some Starbucks to my first block. Tell me he's not ridiculously amazing.

The weather was warm. I felt good.

Mikalalala and I discussed 'seasonal depression' and decided to stay away from each other during winters when we both get depressed. That way, our friendship won't have the risk of ending stupidly, and ...we're just happier when it's Spring. Last Spring was when we became best friends. And Summer was, so far, our happiest together. We told each other we could kill each other [:

Everyone ready for some warmth? I know I am.

A Fox Quote

"I think I definitely got freakier since I've met you."

Then I choked on some sushi.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

And More...

Here's my plan.

I say we just dip, leave this place. We'll be hella poor and miserable for a little while, but let's ignorantly and blissfully say that we'll find a way. Every night you can tell me, "We'll find a way baby, we'll find a way." Like you always reassure me anyway.

And one day, things won't be so bad anymore. One day, we'll have our Victorian style home and you'll have your Japanese cave that I don't get to touch. And we'll be living in that house. And we'll have a cabin, remember? A cabin for summers or winters, near a lake or some body of water. You'll have an axe for cutting wood and we'll have a canoe and I could even try gardening! And I'll be an expert because I would have been a florist, like I said I wanted to be at some point. Every night we could watch our favorite movies and argue about who listens to the better music. And you can make me crepes while I complain about something new. We could have a French Bulldog, because I want one, so we want one. And we'll take care of him and we can name him after a British man or a food item. But I don't know. You don't know. We never know.

My heart really did sink to my ass. I say we just dip, leave this place. But you're not as irresponsible as I am, and we both know. I don't know, we never know.

Fuck, I am so fucking sad all of the time.. all of a sudden.

Have to keep moving forward.

Snookie

"I'm bored in bed listening to Love in this Club Remix and it reminded me of you."

Chen is always a reh-tard.

For Reminding Me

"Ange, let it go. He has to be your past. I'm not kidding, okay?"

-NJ.

My go-to bestfriend.

Grinds My Gears

A list:

-Fucking up freshly painted nails.
-Ants, fucking ants.
-When I'm moody.
-BLOATED!
-Forehead aches
-The Manny Pacman fanbase. STFU.
-The M. Pacman fanbase hating on me for hating. STFU.
-Dust in my room.
-Cold weather
-Thinking it'll be warm and it turns out to be cold.
-No time to watch movies
-Fuckin' pricks for no apparent reason
-Cutting up while shaving legs
-Shakespeare
-Summer taking too long.
-Thinking about all the money I have to spend.
-My disinterest to too many things.
-Why I can't get myself to write a fucking letter.
-...And why I didn't get a letter...

Bottom line, nothing grinds my gears as much as this sadness.

WILL WATCH

WANT LIST

Wantwantwantwantwant:

-Short shorts!
-Legs legs legs!
-SUNSHINE
-SLEEVELESS
-Slurpees!
-Searing car rides with melted dessert item chillin' in the cupholder
-Porchmonkeying
-SUNGLASSES; no more Louie's, no more Willy's
-Hot movie afternoons

....TO BE CONTINUED

Delete

..d my Tumblr account. The past few days that I had it just made me feel weird. What the hell was I doing with a Tumblr? My life doesn't head that way! Ridiculous!




Saturday, March 13, 2010

Shout Outs?

One for NJ; because you told me IT'S JUST RIGHT. One to take home to mama. And you sound happy, so I'm happy.

One for Snow; because you came to my house at four in the morning and we all knew strawberry was always better than cherry. FINALLY!

"Oh fuck.." Mornings

I hate waking up to the heater on full blast. I hate waking up with my throat drought-dry and my feet clammy and my head trying to surface my blanket so I can breathe right.

I hate waking up with the strange pains. In my dream, these long, thin, black sticks were being unsheathe and pushed down my throat and through my lungs. I knew that pain. The pain ...the one that traveled. The one that you feel all over your body, and ends at the tips of your fingers. It was that. Except the long sticks would go through me, and the images in my head were the people that I'd ever hurt, and some random girl playing the part of a girl I know was the one sticking them through me.

I still don't understand how something of an emotional state can be so physical. But it happens all the time. It's about time I just stop questioning it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"On My Own" - The Used

"Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all."
"I have no interesting stories! I'm a quite boring, average guy."

I don't know why this made me smile.

Just Kidding,

We're already bored with it.

"Can We Last Through The Winter?"

The water's starting to freeze
The only one who remembers
Taking the wrong step falling in front of me
This body's already aging
These nights are already long
And if I last through the winter I swear to you now, I wont call

Congratulations, go home now

Will we last through the winter
Will we make it to see
I never wanted a partner
And I never loved you
Now you are free to leave
This heart is already frozen
I can't remember the fall
And if I last through the winter
I swear to you now, I won't call

Congratulations, go home now...

"In Fear and Faith"

OH NO,

WHAT DID WE DO NJ.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lately,

I've been getting a good dose of guy best friendship from Jaisun.

For a little while now since Jabe's been gone, there's been this huge gaping void in me that I couldn't figure out how to fill. No one else could, no one else can. But since Jaisun's been around, dealing with it has gotten significantly easier. A lot of him reminds me of Jabe. I don't know if it's just the fact that he's sincere wanting a place in my life, or just because he's just as caring, just as considerate, laid-back, relaxed, and easy-going as Jabe. No one will ever fill his place. But when days that I miss him more than the day before, it's nice to have someone like Jaisun to remind me that everything is still as amazing, no matter what.

When we have our conversations, I'm reminded of who I was before, back in Freshman year when we first became close. And how different our lives were, and we were. And now we talk like we didn't have this huge gap of years that we faded. We're so different now, more mature I'd say. It's nice to know we can still talk like we used to. I like this.

PS. Everything is still as amazing, no matter what.

NJ

Blogger will always be home.

We love you very very very very very very very very MUCH!

THE

Final Destination

...is so stupid. Excessively. The dumbest of all Final Destinations. Fox, Jaisun, and I agreed that the third one was the most decent.

My stomach is so satisfied with everything from today though.

A LIST! ...of all the good things I had today:

-Panera samwish that Ian got me
-Strawberry Banana Naked that I left in my bag from the day before
-Crack donut from UHLEXIS
-Sunkist from Ian.
-RED MACHINE SURPRISE DURING ADVISORY FROM IAN
-Pretzels from Cassidy
-In n Out with Jaisn, Fox, and Minh
-More Red Machine from Safeway
-COOKIES AND CUPCAKES THAT WE ALL BAKED!
-And now, finishing a samwish that I made before we left Fox's.

MY STUMMY HAS HAPPINESS.

PS. Congrats to IAN!!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Sometimes,

The only thing that gets me through a sticky state of mind is thinking about holding your face, taking in your scent, finding your eyes, and stealing your lips. You are exactly the kind of sanity I could lose myself with.

My Affinity for Lists

Favorites:

-Naked: Red Machine
-Finding wishbones
-Jacketless to school
-Sleeping at 3
-Last summer I had dark blue ones, now these will be my summer shoes this year. Maybe.

Monday, March 8, 2010

WC








A List

...of movie recommendations:

-Garden State
-Requiem for a Dream
-Elephant
-The Science of Sleep
-Running with Scissors (finish)
-The Royal Tenenbaums
-My Blueberry Nights
-The Reader
-The Invention of Lying

...of movies to watch again:

-Heathers
-Charlie Bartlett
-What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
-In Land of Women
-40 Days and 40 Nights
-The Rules of Attraction

(will update.)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I AM

HELLA FUCKIN' LOSING MY SANITY.

FFUUCCKK!!

Fuck.

Disneyland.

SPRING BREAK.

Finally..

An Ache

One ache comes from a thousand different aches that subject into one, sinking, tangible ache. The kind of ache that you feel in the back of your mouth in the root of your teeth. The kind that travels from your center, across your chest, through your arms, on your palms, and out your fingertips. The kind that runs down your core, flopping in the pit of your stomach where it pokes at your gut, then down running your legs and out the tingles of your toes. The kind that makes you have to close your eyes. The kind that has you wrapping your arms around yourself. You breathe deeper, and slower, while your heart races faster.

It's strange really. How heart ache is suppose to be a state of mind. But for someone reason, it's enough to actually present you with physical pain. I've always thought of it as like a tingling tangible pain. You kind of feel the same when you get excited. That feeling. Except, this one hurts. I don't know if I'm the only one that has ever felt this. But as horrible as I feel when that ache is here, overwhelming my whole body to a limp, helpless fetal position, I can consider this ache almost equivalent to feeling infinite. It's just as strong. Just as unforgettable. It's the BIG ONES of life. Of my life at least.

Ache : Infinite : Infinite : Ache

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Looking Through Julia's Tumblr

Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?

Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?

Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series

I Burnt Bread This Morning

I tried the mini oven today, and now I have the after taste of cancer in my mouth.

I was thinking. I have ridiculous emotional issues. I'm not weak. I'm not strong. I'm not apathetic. I'm not exactly intelligent when it comes to emotions. I'm actually more of a coward. I hide emotions. I stash them away and disguise them as something they're not completely.

I shelter myself, wrap myself around another layer of someone else's skin. Sometimes, I can't even let myself feel sadness, or anger, or disappointment. I just tell myself that things will be alright and that I'll be happy again, sooner or later. I've never thought that telling myself that were lies, because till now, I don't believe they're lies. They're just self-reassurances. But it's coping with feelings that makes it all so difficult for me. It's expressing them and sharing them with out feeling weak and vulnerable and so terribly afraid of what my world could come to.

How do I channel my feelings without it costing so much? WHY IS IT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO JUST FEEL AND LET MYSELF FEEL?! It's like I constantly have to lie about what and how I'm feeling to keep moving forward on the day. I can't stop in the middle of it because I know that if I let myself feel, I'll have to break apart in some way. And for all these years, now thinking that I've grown up learning how to deal, I'm just become more cowardly. I refuse to bend my knees. I want to stay solid. Be solid. Almost impenetrable. Doesn't that sound stupid?

How could I expect someone...anyone to love me? How could I expect myself to love someone? Loving someone is surrendering to the fact that you can't control it. But I can feel myself controlling. I can feel myself refusing to surrender. "Is trust really that fucking hard?"

Yeah, it's about trust. I don't trust. I don't know how to trust someone I love. I don't know how to trust myself. I don't know how to trust anyone else.

I'll have to break apart some time, some way.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

These Are A Few

...of my favorite things:

-CAMP! Thoughts of camp, memories at camp.
-Walking to 711 for Slurpees in my shorts and vneck with Vag everyday after practice.
-In N Out and Subway
-Petting Snow's piercing and saying "thizz pill, thizz pill."
-JAISUN!
-Watching Whip It

...of my goals:

-SERIOUSLY, pass my permit/license tests. I SUCK DUDE.
-Get over this campsickness, sadness thing. Makes me depressed.
-Have Ty as my partner again.
-Unpack my camp luggage.
-Not get sick from all the Slurpee.
-Stop this food junkie phase.
-Finish ALL my current events..
-SOMETHING AMAZING, once again.

The Concept of Taking Someone for Granted

It's always the ones closest to us, the ones that probably mean a lot, or just something. The ones that try a little more. Maybe the ones that would bother going the extra mile. Maybe the ones that we don't ever give enough credit. Maybe the ones that we just forget to acknowledge, or we're too preoccupied with others things that we just don't notice.

The concept of taking someone for granted. You're only aware of it when you become the one taken for granted.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Was thinking today...

Could I really be just someone's momentary phase?

I think I've been someone's phase...way too much. Because my head's really fucked up.

American Idol

My father is the self-proclaimed 5th judge of American Idol.

He's so frustrated tonight because the ladies in the competition can't get their shit together and can't choose a song that's best for them. He's upset, oh he's very upset. He wants to say that "she sucks" and ends up saying "she's socks!" The hilarity of sitting down and watching reality tv shows.

Heey You

We had good conversations today. Good like we haven't had in what feels like such a long time. I like it. It's like I've been missing you this whole time. I guess I really have been missing you this whole time.

I've been sick of the rain these past days..maybe weeks? But it wasn't so bad today. It wasn't so bad under the thunder talking about all the things we talk about. And you and I love talking about the things we talk about.

Just saying, you're my besterest friend. We've been at each other's throats lately, and it gets real shakey, real dicey. But when it's good, it's sooooo good. It's soo good with you. I just love you.. I mean I GUESS. Aha x33333333333333


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)