I was thinking. I have ridiculous emotional issues. I'm not weak. I'm not strong. I'm not apathetic. I'm not exactly intelligent when it comes to emotions. I'm actually more of a coward. I hide emotions. I stash them away and disguise them as something they're not completely.
I shelter myself, wrap myself around another layer of someone else's skin. Sometimes, I can't even let myself feel sadness, or anger, or disappointment. I just tell myself that things will be alright and that I'll be happy again, sooner or later. I've never thought that telling myself that were lies, because till now, I don't believe they're lies. They're just self-reassurances. But it's coping with feelings that makes it all so difficult for me. It's expressing them and sharing them with out feeling weak and vulnerable and so terribly afraid of what my world could come to.
How do I channel my feelings without it costing so much? WHY IS IT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO JUST FEEL AND LET MYSELF FEEL?! It's like I constantly have to lie about what and how I'm feeling to keep moving forward on the day. I can't stop in the middle of it because I know that if I let myself feel, I'll have to break apart in some way. And for all these years, now thinking that I've grown up learning how to deal, I'm just become more cowardly. I refuse to bend my knees. I want to stay solid. Be solid. Almost impenetrable. Doesn't that sound stupid?
How could I expect someone...anyone to love me? How could I expect myself to love someone? Loving someone is surrendering to the fact that you can't control it. But I can feel myself controlling. I can feel myself refusing to surrender. "Is trust really that fucking hard?"
Yeah, it's about trust. I don't trust. I don't know how to trust someone I love. I don't know how to trust myself. I don't know how to trust anyone else.
I'll have to break apart some time, some way.
I shelter myself, wrap myself around another layer of someone else's skin. Sometimes, I can't even let myself feel sadness, or anger, or disappointment. I just tell myself that things will be alright and that I'll be happy again, sooner or later. I've never thought that telling myself that were lies, because till now, I don't believe they're lies. They're just self-reassurances. But it's coping with feelings that makes it all so difficult for me. It's expressing them and sharing them with out feeling weak and vulnerable and so terribly afraid of what my world could come to.
How do I channel my feelings without it costing so much? WHY IS IT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO JUST FEEL AND LET MYSELF FEEL?! It's like I constantly have to lie about what and how I'm feeling to keep moving forward on the day. I can't stop in the middle of it because I know that if I let myself feel, I'll have to break apart in some way. And for all these years, now thinking that I've grown up learning how to deal, I'm just become more cowardly. I refuse to bend my knees. I want to stay solid. Be solid. Almost impenetrable. Doesn't that sound stupid?
How could I expect someone...anyone to love me? How could I expect myself to love someone? Loving someone is surrendering to the fact that you can't control it. But I can feel myself controlling. I can feel myself refusing to surrender. "Is trust really that fucking hard?"
Yeah, it's about trust. I don't trust. I don't know how to trust someone I love. I don't know how to trust myself. I don't know how to trust anyone else.
I'll have to break apart some time, some way.
