Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dear Blogger,

I'm going to end up writing about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have, or the pretty weather that's making me want to write about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have.

So, since this happiness isn't wearing off, then that's that.

TIRED.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Title Track

I was in detention today, and I left in the middle of it. Because of this, the rest of the detained students earned ten extra minutes in the round room. This is what happens when you mess with a nigga like me. Shit goes down like rubble. AlrightIfeltalittlebitbadkindofnotreallynojustkidding I didn't at all.

My hand smells like pizza even after my shower because for dinner tonight, RV cooked the pizza with out thawing it which made it excessively wet and soggy, while lukewarm of course. I don't know what to say, I just want to talk. I've been coming across a lot of softcore porn you know? Good god Tumblr..

Oh hey the weather still feels good.

We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes

The weather is all the rage, and I'm going with its flow.

This is what I'm talking about. The brisk cold never falters to bring me to my soft sides, to my sweet sounds, to my covers, to their covers. To their clothes that remind of the way they smell. I'm so surprised. I'm so surprised at how in love I am with this cold.

It's so much easier to miss the man in my life this way. Oh, my heart aches in the best ways.

ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE.

Monday, September 28, 2009

My Best Boy

"I do love you like an Angie because I wouldn't love you any other way. You aren't a sister to me but neither an attraction. You are simply Angie to me.

And it's perfect."

JB always knows.

Friends like mine.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Meetings

It's always so hot when we all swarm my living room. Breathing in each other's heat, chomping at each others' statements, and I am always playing with my temples, like that'd bribe away my accumulating frustrations.

But then I look over to you sitting there, squeezed by the fives of them, like a shy, shining child. The tiniest sardine among the largest ones in the can. It wasn't your scene, and it wasn't hers either. But I found the most encouragement from the tiniest wrinkle of your smiles that you toss my way. And my temples felt independent, and I was fine again, just for a second.

I found that your smile lines keep me so sane.

I hate to be so selfish, but I want your smile lines to remain just for me.

Goodnight.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Stone Fox

Today was the first day that I'd ever seen you cry. I squinted through my eyes, as you smeared tears on yourself. I hated that feeling, I hated it. I felt enraged, and I had a slight strange feeling of vengeance. I wanted to take you way away right then, just so you'd never be that broken.

I love you, you know? I hope our day together has provided you with enough laughs that filled you with our kind of happiness. Because today, we had spleen-splitting laughs and food children that were kicking to explode. I really hope so.

My best friend shits on everyone, you know? She has these huge eyes that are sometimes green, and sometimes brown, with an orange exploding in the center. Today they were brown, and today I saw them sad. But you know, she has a pet peeve for big eyes, isn't she strange?

And she smells like home, not Ange's house. But she smells like home. Homey? She thinks I'm really nice, and she laughs at all my jokes even if I know they're ridiculous. And we're always making faces at each other, but she's really fun. She always knows what I'm talking about when I'm talking to myself about an inside something. I still flabbergast when I think about how she loves Lacey too. She loves that dance with Kameron too. And she couldn't stop watching that video too.

She's honest, with all sincerity, with all her embarrassing little admissions, with all the opinions that her cranium's got. I've never been able to tell someone so much, with out fear of offending them or scaring them away or being misunderstood in such an extent. I have no idea where she came from, I really don't.

I hope I don't see her cry again soon, unless it's because she's so happy. Because we're always so happy. And she's always so cuddly. And she always talks about how much she loves Adrian. And how good Adrian is. And how mature he is, and how he never complains or curses, and how he treats me really nice, and how he's SO nice, even if he thinks he's an asshole. And how they can be friends with out it being awkward, because he talks to her like a friend. And I love the both of them. So much. And she loves Jabe too. She knows how much I love him, and now she knows why, and now we make a good trio/quartet when Ace is alive.

She's always open to things/people that I love, and she becomes a part of many aspects of Ange. Because she bothers to be in my life. And she walks to my house even when she's hella sad, and I get to make her feel better. When she first came in my room today, she said hi to me, and then broke into tears. And I felt the way I felt when I saw Jabe cry that one day. And I wanted to do something about but I couldn't. So I just held her like I held Jabe. And my best friends are the best I could have, and I'm typing so fast right now because I'm babbling like an idiot, but I don't know, I have so much to say because I'm so happy about everything, and I'm so in love with everything, and I can't stop thinking about the greatness of everything because nothing is ever shitty anymore, no matter which day it is, and what happens. Oh man oh man oh man oh man.

One day, Fox and I are going to have a pair of French Bull Dogs, and they're going to be good buddies, and we'll have play dates. We're saving up, mhm!

Yeah, my best friend shits on everyone. My best friends shit on everyone. My darling shits on everyone. My life shits on everything. I need to go to sleep, or calm down or something because the Opera Cake is giving me a gooooood sugar rush, like the past nights have been giving me sugar rushes because Fox and RV and I keep going to french bakeries and we buy desserts that are filling and so sweet and so good and man oh man, We Laugh Indoors.

Fox, you're the best. I love your bitch ass, your ass that is HELLA high bro! RV and I can't help but be friends with it.

HYSTERIC!

H A P P Y .

Lamps

I felt my smile lighten my face as I stared at the lamps, dimmed and intimate. Like I was sitting next to you, darling. Like you were smiling at me smile.

The chairs were emptied and sighing in relief at the day’s end. I rested my head on the booth, and thought about us sitting on those chairs happily, filling them in detail with the happiness that could only be us. And we’d sit and talk and stay until they asked us to leave. And we’d smile at the waiter, sharing a secretive agreement between us, and he’d understand, I’m sure he would.

And then those chairs would be empty again for the night until the next two people who sit and talk and smile at one another will stay on the chairs until the waiter asks them to leave. And the waiter would understand, he really should.

The two would walk away, like we would the night before. Arms around each other, and exchanging satisfactions. You’d open the door for us, and we’d stay out the night, walking and talking and playing and loving.

It’d be cold, and my hands would be frozen to the tips. But you’d hold them any way, and kiss them when you find my eyes. I’d say you’re mine, and you’d say ‘I know’. And I’d show you my teeth, and you’d show me yours, and we’d stay gleaming and chasing breaths.

But unlike those nights, I sat there staring at the lamps because they were dimmed and intimate. Because there were chairs that looked like our happiness. And the waiter would know that we love each other. And we’d leave with the lights turning off behind us. So I only stared and smiled. And then I missed you. And I wished you really were there, smiling at my smile, and staying.

I had a good night with you even when you weren’t there.

Sleep Through The Static

I only woke up once last night, around 5, realizing that the music stopped playing. I generally always wake up in the middle of the night, every few hours or so. But my sleep was just that comfortable.

The night before was magnificent. Fox, RV, and I went on a restaurant hunt. Our first destination was this bakery at Pacific Commons. We did desserts before dinner, ruined our appetites, but ran around crossing intersections like a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song was encouraging us to.

2nd destination was Panera. I've never been to Panera that late before. I couldn't eat dinner, the taste of Tiramisu lingered. And there we sat till dark, talking and laughing and Dr. Seuss...?[:

I used to not be fond of Friday nights. But they've been the best in this new life.

Bread, Jazz, and winter talk.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I WANT HIM, WHY IS HE TIPPED!



MY ACHING HEART I'M IN HYSTERICS!

We Use Each Other For Sex

Except for today.

Because today, we went on a zombie hunt. The zombies got me, and the day wasn't so good, but it was still so good. You know? You don't get it. It's alright. I'll take a shower.

PS. Darling, I'm on my toes.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hello Afternoon, Kiss My Shades

I'm alone in my room again. Nothing significant happened today. In fact, the day passed so quickly that I found myself home watching The Cable Guy, thinking whether or not I should come back to school to the people that I love. But I'd forgotten that today was a short day. So I stayed here.

One of my favorite things: Alone time.

On days like these, when my friends are out and about, and my man is doing his thing, I like being home with my music. I like sitting on the porch until my arse hurts. I like grunting about the motorcycles that speed by obnoxiously. I like guessing whether the next passerby will wave back to me, or ignore me like the majority of them. I like singing songs in my head that get me so into it that I end up singing out loud. I love it when someone familiar texts me to say that they see me porch monkeying.

Sometimes, I like to lay on the couch, pretending I'd fallen asleep. When really, I'm daydreaming about Adrian. And before I know it, I really do fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up to his calls saying that he's stopping by. Sometimes I wake up and it's dinner time. Sometimes I wake up, and another face is just staring at me, wondering how long I'd been asleep. And sometimes, I wake up and I have an errand to run.

The best part about being alone is thinking about everyone. And thinking about how...I'm not just infinitely complete. I'm not just joyously happy. I'm balanced. I'm centered. I am not driven to insecurities, insanity, and doubt. My best friends, my man, they don't make me feel like I'm crazy. They don't drive me to do crazy things or be crazymadbitchthatthrowsafitabouteverythingandpicksfightsandthinksselfishlyandclosemindedly Or even be mad, or upset, or sad, or anything negative about any damn thing because I don't want to miss any time. I just feel good about myself. No weight on my shoulders.

I found my right balance now. My better kind of peace. My better kind of aches. My better kind of love.

I keep thinking to myself, what if I'd found myself earlier before? Where I am now, this is the change that I always just dreamt to be. This is the change that I always put on my list before summer began. To "change, be better" I used to write. Everything that has happened the past years of my life, when I used to feel like the sickest person on the face of this place, well it's all worth it now. Where I am now is the best place anyone could be.

This is the peak of happiness, and it's not wearing off.

I PUKE FLOWERS AND BUTTERFLIES.

Hand in glove
The sun shines out of our behinds
No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us

Hand in glove
We can go wherever we please
And everything depends upon
How near you stand to me

And if the people stare
Then the people stare
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hi I Can't Sleep

That's because I'm not trying to. But let me tell you something. Let me RANT about something.

Psychology class is a waste of my time. The instructor is a waste of my time. She does not compel me, the class does not compel me. The atmosphere is dull. Her cheap diction makes me tap my fingers on the desk. The constant, relentless reading out loud that she makes us do. Why are you making us read this out loud? Our fluency is the last of our concerns. A few, fewwww paragraphs read out loud I can deal with. But for the whole bloody block? It's horrendous. Makes me wanna ...

Makes me want to buy a dozen eggs...and fry them. ALL of them. And then eat 'em! All of 'em! With rice! Till I'm hella full! Till I'm sick to my stomach and all I can feel is the sickness in my stomach rather than knowing that I'm registered in that class. I can't even pronounce our instructor's name.

It's 11:33pm and my man has not called. I finally get to beat him to it! I never get to call him. He's so swift!

11:35pm [edited]
I just checked my phone, damn it. I have a missed call from him. Ange loses again.

Today, Adrian Bought Me A Bagel And I Accepted The Cream Cheese

I never accept the cream cheese. Dina the lunch lady knows this. But today I did.

Anyway.

A few of my favorite things:
-When someone calls me "Ange"
-500 Days of Summer
-My new comforter set because it reminds me of Fox
-Seeing Snow at least once when I'm in school
-When Adrian is here for mornings
-Fox's house
-When Tami drives bawls speed
-ALOE JUICE
-Texting Ace every second when we watch our shows
-Goodnights and I love you's for Jabe
-Microsoft Word 2003
-When the family goes to Century 25
-My Nicole's x3
-Dr. Pepper and Kitkats
-Sleeping in not my clothes.

Goodnight!

Monday, September 21, 2009

It Was Because Of A $10 Bill But I'm Glad I'm Passed That Now

Last night, I called him back as I was falling into the deep of my sleep. Amusingly and sweetly, as we talked, he told me how many miles there are from here to the Philippines. I told him I wanted to know this, I just didn't know he'd really search it and tell me a precise answer.

Now I know how far we'll be away from each other. And as hysterical as I was when he told me, I felt so sad. Thousands is too much.

I remember how much I loved the Philippines when I came back there. I hope he still loves me more :D

Listen to me whine. It's still nearly 2 months away till he leaves. But I dread every day that we get closer to it.

PS. I'm preparing myself for a zombie attack. Never know when those suckers come down to town and eat my flesh.. or yours..

It's 3:39pm

It's infuriatingly hot, and finding out that tetris is no longer on my computer just adds on to my already angry afternoon.

I want Dr. Pepper.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


500 Days of Summer

I love this. So much.

Shaved Ice and Naked Heat

This will sound strange coming from me, knowing me, because I am me but...

I don't want the heat anymore. I want the cold, brisk on my finger tips, and all around us. Summer is over. It's been over. I accepted that it's over because it was just that good. But I'm ready for the cold. I'm ready for autumn to be here, then the holidays, and wrap me around winter. I'm ready for a new winter, with this new love. I will stay passed the past because I don't love the past as much as I love the present anymore, or even the future.

Today was hot, too hot. Why did it have to be so hot? I didn't enjoy a second of the sun. I didn't soak myself in its glory like I would.

Yesterday as the sun set outside my window I yelled, "SUMMER'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!" And I know that it is, so why does it have to get so damn hot all of a sudden?

Aha I'm annoyed at myself that I'm always so concerned about the weather. It makes me feel old, golden years kind of old. But I've always been this old. Aha, I've been anticipating my retirement years for as far as I can remember now.

Summer is over, and I want the cold now. My life suddenly completes me. You suddenly complete me. I feel different, and I will keep moving forward.

You've Got Everything Now - The Smiths

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I keep laying on my bed, on this warm weather, with some songs that sound cold, and with completely different smells around me, I find myself torn. I feel old, and new, and the same, all at the same time.

I don't feel sad. I just feel out of sorts. Like I'd spent the last days sleeping with out shifting or twitching at all. And had dreamt of nothing but a cold, sweaty black that somehow taunts me once I'd opened my eyes.

And when I open my eyes, I'm struck by the bright green that I thought I'd gotten used to, but this time, I feel like a stranger in my own quarters. So I try to focus on the lyrics of what ever song is playing at the moment, and this afternoon, well this afternoon, All of our friends were here but they all have gone home. I can't grasp this.

To top it all and excluding the migraines that won't let me be, I tried vanquishing a swirl of rainbow sugar with my front teeth while switching from book to book to book, because I really just want to finish them. I confused the nearly-illiterate, suicidal, anti-capitalist bum with a serial killer that died a fantastic death. Maybe that's just my problem, ever since I read the book The Seven Days of Peter Crumb, I'd been obsessed with murders or deathly concepts and sick ways of being, characters that wrap at the sides of my brain and stay beneath my skin until I can fall asleep.

I'm giggling to myself now. I love weekends.

Time's tide will smother you.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I Anticipate Sleep Time Because I Sleep So At Peace

I remember this time last year. It was hot too, and it sounded like The Strokes. I'm doing so well, and so busy, and so happy that I never even found the time to mop my wood floors or finish storing up my hoodies from the laundry bin.

I have a stack of books that I'm all reading simultaneously, and it all does get confusing. I convince myself I'm reading one thing, when I'm reading the other. And I confuse details. Never a cute moment for my cranium. But I'm enjoying my time.

Yesterday, we went to our Senior Picnic. I had such a good time. It wasn't a completely...complete moment, but I felt happy. It felt like Great America in the 8th grade. Fox, Kim, Henry, and I became one cozy group of girls. And I forget how much I love Kim, but I love her so. And Fox, well, she's very flexible when it comes to company, very versatile. She's like JB. She blends well, mixes well, and I don't have to worry. And Henry, he returned my DVD to me with out the DVD inside the case. I was upset to find that out tonight.

I didn't bring a camera with me so unfortunately I have no images to display and keep. I didn't get to spend as much time with my darling as I thought I would because we both have our set of friends, and it all just isn't as easy with time. But he's so good, so good. He doesn't make me feel excessively flawed. Just..a little bit, the average, ha.

I fell asleep at 8pm last night on my couch. I fell asleep thinking that I was still sliding down one of the tunnel tubes, or trying to survive in the wave pool. When I woke up at 10pm, I found myself alone in the living room darkness, and I dragged my arse to bed to call the man in my life. But I fell asleep after he hung on me saying he'll call back in 5 minutes. I was just that damn tired.

And today, well today was good. Jennifer's Body is a shitful of shit of a movie, but I enjoyed watching it. She's not even that hot. I just envy her body, rah!

Oh and at the end of it all, Tami drove a thousand miles per hour, with our windows rolled down, and the best of the best is thumping out of the speakers. But this time, not only did I have Fox in front of me again, with her hair flailing, but I look to my left, and I had Ian there looking at me with those warm brown eyes saying I love you.

I could just die.

This is what the world is for...
Making electricity !

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wingman,

We'll cover your tracks.

"I hope she has the time of her life."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

PS

I don't know why, but every time someone calls me Ange...
Just ...Ange ...you know?

I get excessively and thoroughly happy.

One of the many, little things in life.

Petit Copain


Je vous presente Adrian Del Fierro.
Il m'aime et je l'aime.
C'est tout.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Maybe I'll Update You

I've been really busy with choir. We watched that movie too many times now. Tina Fey is just so entertaining.

As of this very moment, I'm still thinking of the rainy days coming our way. I'm listening to Death Cab because they always sound like cold. And they're achey and remind me of some things... But like always, I'm just too happy. Life is too joyous, you know?

Since school began, time has been winding us around. I have no classes. I have Art, then Ceramics. Both of which are less dull than I'd imagined. I thought that school would give me a more convenient time with Fox, but I was wrong. This weekend was our first best friend time since school. She has Kenneth, and I have Adrian, and there's always everything else in between. But the weekend was well, and so will everything else be.

Adrian is incredible, did you know? I don't feel crazy when I'm with him. I don't want to fight, I don't want to control, I don't want to do anything that gets in the way of any time I can have with him. He's like my college boy. He always has something to do, always his priorities to keep.

I was afraid that he'd graduate early, but he chose not to. He doesn't want to miss out on our last months together. I love him, you know? I was afraid of when he goes to the Philippines this November. I was afraid that things would change, and he'd change, and that he'd love the Philippines more, and would really stay there. He might go to college there. He might attend a university there because it'll be cheaper. And I'm so worried of that. But he's reassuring me, and our love is keeping me so sane. I'm cherishing everything, every single second we have.

Mm, this entry has taken a different turn. I shouldn't think too much about this. This means I need to shower this off now.

Why You'd Want to Live Here

All of a Sudden...

Everything changed.

You make me wanna...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Was a Kaleidoscope, You Know?

I always disliked going to family parties on my mother's side. It saddens me, bores me, makes me miss the family that gives me sincere attention, the ones that are far away.

But the best part about my day, excluding the morning waking up to Fox on my left and Ace on my right, is the rain. I've been having prayers for rain, believe it or not. And I'd missed it terribly. When I looked out the tinted glass window tonight and saw the wet parking lot getting wetter, I welled up inside, tingled inside, and fell into my happiness. First thing I did was step outside to smell the air. When that relieved my longing, I called the man in my life. Disappointed that he didn't answer, I sat there on a chair with the party a faint sound behind me, my palms under my chin and my head out with the rain.

I love nights like this. All I thought about was being under my covers, in his clothes, wrapped up in all that I adore.

I love this. I love us. Autumn is coming. And winter, oh winter. Sounds like...

Saturday, September 12, 2009

PS.

"I want us," he said to me.

And I wanted to cry right then.

I don't want him to leave.

Yesterday

RV had the best birthday she's ever had. All thanks to the love of the greatest friends.

Kim, Fox, Ace, and her best friend, Chen.

Chen did a good job. We all felt a sense of envy when we saw what she'd done. Chen, a good best friend.

I'd post a picture...but photobucket and/or tinypic is damned.

And it was a good night, such a good night. It was infinite, you know? Warm and dark, and the moon was MIA, but it was the best nonetheless.

The best.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rude Awakening

The devastation of my newly digested news is trying to drag me down. It's mean, and tempting, and semi-persuasive. But it's nice, I find this silence that empties me just for a second.

I won't be able to see them this weekend, like I've been hoping for in months. And this sadness will go on, and on, every time I hear them or even think of it. I think I'll stay away for a while.

But it's nice, because I have my own silence now. A silence that couldn't hurt a fly. This silence though, it's being broken by... my sister singing Air Supply songs recorded on our voicemail. If you were here with me, you'd laugh too.

And it will always be good.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's the Room, the Sun, and the Sky

I've been waiting for this moment all my life

I don't know why I've found a new affinity for this. I've known it for so long. I guess I just never gave it a chance. It's like taking a second look at someone and realizing something you should've realized before.

I've nothing profound to say. So I'll let my music consume me.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Question

"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"

-PS

ADF.

My best friends like you so much, all of them. They always tell me how fond they are of you, and how good you are. And I tell them how quickly I'd fallen in love with you. They like you so much, aha, and I can't ask for more.

Best friends and you = HYSTERIC!

...Suddenly complete me.

I feel so alive, you know?

The Best

Jabe and Fox


On the first day of school, I told my friends I want to collect 50 sneezing pictures. Yesterday, I captured a yawning picture of this bad cat and decided that instead, I'll collect 100 sneezing/yawning pictures. Isn't he so ugly that it's cute? :D?


She was so wasted! Jabe was passed out somewhere over there.


I love I love. Best friends.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

"Petals"

I didn't realize before that I was afraid of falling in love. Simply afraid. Why the hell would I let some nigga, any nigga have ultimate power to break me, and hurt me, or leave me?

This summer treated me so well...that I'm saying fuck it, fuck the rest. I ain't scareda nothin'! Pain ain't shit! I've come out alive before, what should I be afraid of now? Nothing! I've spent way too much time being afraid, and ducking down, and bricking up a wall, around me, and not saying what I want to say, and making up unbelievable excuses, and putting 50% of myself out there. I've got the raw material, the goods, the best.

This time around, I'm giving 100%. I've learned my lesson.

I'm ready for the consequences.

So here I am World!

WhoElse?

:D

"...a speech is required aussi... I'm so nervous, because I want mine to be the best, most heartfelt speech she hears, as selfish as that sounds. Actually, I just want to outshine everyone but Makayla, I think Makayla has earned first place, though besides that, the urge to "win" is eating away at me. Especially when it is mildly academic like this. Oh, I hope it makes her cry... with joy."

Aha, Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart, I love you, I do.

The best makes me sigh in satisfaction, and smile a quiet smile that lets me shine.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The First Day of School

And I'd just gotten home after a long day of being in and out of the heat. I must say, even with my classes boring me to my skull, I absolutely enjoyed the first day. I was able to have everyone again, and see them, and talk to them whenever I pleased.

Being a senior isn't as significant of a feeling as I...expected. But it certainly feels comforting being at Kennedy again. My time spent at Washington has definitely increased my appreciation for Kennedy.

And today, oh my heart exploded today.

Let me tell you about this man in my life...

Have you ever been so fluttery and warm and happy inside that your teeth tingled? Have you ever lost your breath at the slightest thought of someone? Have you ever wanted to jump off of something, or run until your insides fell out? This is happening to me. And it's the best feeling I have ever felt.

Today, I told the man in my life that I love him. I have never done this. I have never felt this. I have never wanted something so bad...that was already mine. And I've never been so unafraid knowing that I'm making myself bare of any walls, naturally, seamlessly, with out force, with out influence.

I think he's been wanting to tell me too. Because his reaction made me scream and go limp in his arms for a second.

I sound so fruity, but I can't help this.

IT.FEELS.GOOD.TO.BE.YOUNG.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Summer of 2009

You have been kind to me, far too kind.

The best.

Fox
Jabe
TaySnow
Ace
and even RV

and of course my Adrian.

What to say?

Mine > than yours

Hands down.

ARCHIVE, FUCKERS (for Ace-like purposes)