I really never thought twice about my happiness. Never questioned its presence. Never tried to change what already is. But something sparked in me today. Maybe not sparked, but poked at me like an annoying kid with a stick. And I really don't know what triggered. Or why. Why of all the days would today be...the day?
I think it all began with the lovebird today. Well, there were these birds that Fox and I saw a few weeks ago at the family pet store. Hybrid lovebirds to be exact. And the first glance, Fox and I were immediately reminded of us. One bird was nestled behind the other, and they just held each other like that. You should have seen us. I was cowering behind her because of my being overwhelmed by all the birds. We adored the birds, and since then, we couldn't stop talking about them. Today, we decided to pay them a visit. I was actually very excited to see. The progressing anticipation of walking to the pet store only backfired at me once we were inside with the birds. Above us was the same cage that the lovebirds rested several weeks ago. Except this time, only one bird was in there. And I must say, I was crushed. I would have never imagined myself disappointed by something I'd once feared. But I was crushed. The sole bird was there, hardly moving. And he just looked sad, and felt sad. And it reminded me of when my family had these two lovebirds, and how when one died because of some sickness, the other followed right after, due to loneliness. And I don't know, my heart was just ripped.
Following that were my scattered feelings. Confused, and lost, and empty, and overwhelmed, and passive, and quiet, and so detached to reality. I felt myself being silent, and I couldn't speak up. Not even with JB or Fox there. I didn't want to spill over my gray feelings over the bright yellow that exuded out of all of them tonight. But I should have known, silence is too damn loud.
After watching the Fourth Kind, I fell into my silence. Almost permanently. Starbucks was no help, and Borders certainly wasn't either. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. And she never believes 'I'm fine' because who ever believes that? But I do remember wanting to get the hell out of there. After my long pauses with human contact, I went and bought myself coffee. I thought it'd help perk me up and keep my insides from being so icy.
Coffee only led me outside of the store. I paced a few feet outside Borders' doors, for several minutes, not caring whether or not these strangers minded me.
Then I sat on a ledge, and pushed myself away where I can only hear my thoughts. Where only I narrated, and only my opinions and feelings mattered. And being there, it astonished me. I hadn't realized that I have not been there in way too long. As solitary and dark as it was, I felt so alive in this strange way. Like I was able to see outside my emotional barriers. Like I saw things with out the influence of anyone and anything. And I was standing on the ground that I hadn't paved, but have been willingly following. It felt amazing.
I looked up. The clouds patched the sky red, while underneath was the stillness of the black horizon. And against the horizon, I only saw trees. Trees yellow and green, adapting to the weather. Trees that were skinny, and bent in one direction. Like they were all almost falling, but couldn't be broken. I felt like I was them. Like I was a damn tree falling, but could never be broken. I liked it, and I didn't.
The harshness of the white lights piercing through yellow leaves bothered me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want the cars there. I just wanted to keep getting lost until I found myself. It was strange. Like my roots have relocated, and I had to keep finding other locations to find...the right location. Which never really moved at all. I just grew, and I was scared that I didn't know where to come home to.
That's what I was. I was lost. I was lost, and I thought that by staying lost, that I'd find myself in the middle of being lost. It made sense to me before, and I think it still does. Because I began to find myself, and the more pieces I saw, the easier it was to breathe, and blink, and move my fingers into realistic consciousness.
And now, I need to keep finding more pieces of myself because I'd been lost in so many people, and so many events and pasts and futures, and music in so long that I don't really know where I'd gone. I thought this would be a breakdown. And if I hadn't stepped out of that bookstore to give myself time, I think I would've cracked. But this realization gave me enough to find that stability within myself.
I need to keep happy for the sake of my well-being. But not just happy. I need to be balanced, and at ease, and comfortable. And I can't be on the verge of cracking. And I can't keep any breakdowns to myself. There's so much out there. I just need to keep my eyes open, and breathe.
The moon hid behind the clouds tonight. And as a Cure song played, I started to feel better and better. And I even started to sing along.
I think it all began with the lovebird today. Well, there were these birds that Fox and I saw a few weeks ago at the family pet store. Hybrid lovebirds to be exact. And the first glance, Fox and I were immediately reminded of us. One bird was nestled behind the other, and they just held each other like that. You should have seen us. I was cowering behind her because of my being overwhelmed by all the birds. We adored the birds, and since then, we couldn't stop talking about them. Today, we decided to pay them a visit. I was actually very excited to see. The progressing anticipation of walking to the pet store only backfired at me once we were inside with the birds. Above us was the same cage that the lovebirds rested several weeks ago. Except this time, only one bird was in there. And I must say, I was crushed. I would have never imagined myself disappointed by something I'd once feared. But I was crushed. The sole bird was there, hardly moving. And he just looked sad, and felt sad. And it reminded me of when my family had these two lovebirds, and how when one died because of some sickness, the other followed right after, due to loneliness. And I don't know, my heart was just ripped.
Following that were my scattered feelings. Confused, and lost, and empty, and overwhelmed, and passive, and quiet, and so detached to reality. I felt myself being silent, and I couldn't speak up. Not even with JB or Fox there. I didn't want to spill over my gray feelings over the bright yellow that exuded out of all of them tonight. But I should have known, silence is too damn loud.
After watching the Fourth Kind, I fell into my silence. Almost permanently. Starbucks was no help, and Borders certainly wasn't either. She kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. And she never believes 'I'm fine' because who ever believes that? But I do remember wanting to get the hell out of there. After my long pauses with human contact, I went and bought myself coffee. I thought it'd help perk me up and keep my insides from being so icy.
Coffee only led me outside of the store. I paced a few feet outside Borders' doors, for several minutes, not caring whether or not these strangers minded me.
Then I sat on a ledge, and pushed myself away where I can only hear my thoughts. Where only I narrated, and only my opinions and feelings mattered. And being there, it astonished me. I hadn't realized that I have not been there in way too long. As solitary and dark as it was, I felt so alive in this strange way. Like I was able to see outside my emotional barriers. Like I saw things with out the influence of anyone and anything. And I was standing on the ground that I hadn't paved, but have been willingly following. It felt amazing.
I looked up. The clouds patched the sky red, while underneath was the stillness of the black horizon. And against the horizon, I only saw trees. Trees yellow and green, adapting to the weather. Trees that were skinny, and bent in one direction. Like they were all almost falling, but couldn't be broken. I felt like I was them. Like I was a damn tree falling, but could never be broken. I liked it, and I didn't.
The harshness of the white lights piercing through yellow leaves bothered me. I didn't want them there. I didn't want the cars there. I just wanted to keep getting lost until I found myself. It was strange. Like my roots have relocated, and I had to keep finding other locations to find...the right location. Which never really moved at all. I just grew, and I was scared that I didn't know where to come home to.
That's what I was. I was lost. I was lost, and I thought that by staying lost, that I'd find myself in the middle of being lost. It made sense to me before, and I think it still does. Because I began to find myself, and the more pieces I saw, the easier it was to breathe, and blink, and move my fingers into realistic consciousness.
And now, I need to keep finding more pieces of myself because I'd been lost in so many people, and so many events and pasts and futures, and music in so long that I don't really know where I'd gone. I thought this would be a breakdown. And if I hadn't stepped out of that bookstore to give myself time, I think I would've cracked. But this realization gave me enough to find that stability within myself.
I need to keep happy for the sake of my well-being. But not just happy. I need to be balanced, and at ease, and comfortable. And I can't be on the verge of cracking. And I can't keep any breakdowns to myself. There's so much out there. I just need to keep my eyes open, and breathe.
The moon hid behind the clouds tonight. And as a Cure song played, I started to feel better and better. And I even started to sing along.
