This is an entry I wrote from last summer, when Ian came back from Nevada. Morning after the first firepit night. I never realized that that morning was the beginning of when we started saying "I'll see you whenever..."
-Second Chances
I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...
I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.
He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.
From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.
He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.
Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.
The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.
His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.
We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.
I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.
"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.
I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.
I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."
And since then, I haven't been the same.
PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.
I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.
He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.
From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.
He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.
Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.
The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.
His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.
We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.
I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.
"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.
I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.
I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."
And since then, I haven't been the same.
PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.
