I was casually on my couch this evening, watching my parents on the kitchen. There was this sudden eruption of pangs in my chest as I looked at them. They were putting the groceries away, and playfully arguing about "washing the meat." Pa made this face that was meant to taunt Ma, and he laughed at himself for it. Ma rolled her eyes, and they both shared this intimate, secretive, quiet laughter. Like no one else was around them. I immediately knew that I yearned for that.

For quite a while now, I'd been denying the thought of marriage in my life. It's all so ridiculous to me. Binding my life with someone, legally documenting it on paper and ring. I came to this conclusion that I don't intend on marrying.

But when I'm in my house, when I'm with my family, when we're all in public, and they hold hands, share their laughter, and take on the day together, I can't help but want it. I can't help but imagine my life married. Wedding, babies, a home, and all that comes with it.

When I'm out in the world, with my friends, with everyone else that strolls by, I don't want it. I consider it as..."I don't want to get married. I don't to prove my love for someone with a damn ring." That's exactly as how I would go about. Majority of the time, this is my belief. I believe that divorces could cost as much as the wedding. The divorces could happen faster than when a child is born. Divorces are more common around me than strong, bonding of marriage.

And it's sad, because the strength of my parents together should convince me well enough that love exists in this way. Love will find us all, at some point. But it only convinces me for a second or two, and I'm back to my reality.

Nothing is definite, or absolute in our lives. It all changes. If I ever want to marry, I only want to do it once. I don't want to resort to a divorce.

The time that my parents were from is just completely different from the time that we live now. Now, we are generally founded by public displays, titles, sex, and pretentious reassurance. And on that very rare occasion, there will be those two people that love each other beyond the circumstances of our time. But like I said, it's on that very rare occasion. I haven't had a taste of that rare occasion. But if ever I do... my beliefs will be otherwise.

Until I find that someone that will make me think it's possible for me, for us, for this time to marry, and stay married. And live a life with someone, till death do us part, then I'll believe this song...

"Time, time is gone

it stops stops who it was

well i was wrong
it never lasts
there is no
this is no modern romance"

If I ever find something like theirs, then I could never ask for more...