"It's a birthday gift why not? And I already planned on it...it was the only thing that made sense for me to do" I'm in the strangest state of shock. I feel sick. And queasy. And wrong. And shitty. I can't believe he did that. I can't believe he would. I would wish that he didn't. But this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me... I felt so sick when I read "The Bottom of the Hill." Oh my..? The Honorary Title? Mine? The only thing I know is mine? I'm..I flabbergasted. I was in the theaters, with my crowd, and I was...freaking out. How was I suppose to accept something like that? How was I supposed to react? I don't expect that kind of ...kindness from anyone. And I received it from the one person that would never hurt me...but I hurt the most. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY DUMBASS SELF? I wanted to throw up. I can't even explain the heavy feeling I carried from then. I was speechless, literally speechless. Even after he called me to further explain things, I stammered for words. I couldn't say thank you because it didn't seem enough. I couldn't reply back because I didn't know what to say. I just know I don't deserve it. But I have it. And I'm so...fucking... I mean why? Augh, why? It's torture really. Like...the perfect payback for the shitty self that I am. But I know it's not like that. He just is...far too fucking nice. I can't take it. It's terrible. I'M TERRIBLE. And I've known...since the beginning of this whole situation that I was going to get shit. For ending things that way. For leaving like I did. For treating him the way I did. And I didn't care. Because why should I? I was pursuing my own happiness. If my friends were going to talk shit about me themselves, then fuck it right? I have my friends that actually took the time to listen to my side, but didn't say one bad thing about him because they knew I didn't want that pity, side-taking shit. I just needed them to know it from my side. Because they're my friends. And I feel so shitty because I can just feel what they're saying about this, about me. The way they see me now. I'm probably the fucking shittiest thing right? I don't know. I'm so upset... It's all blowing up in my face. That that group of friends that I had will not see me the same. Not as long as I live the life I live now, with these people now. And I'm different, you know? I'm so fucking different. I can't go back. I'm not that person anyone. I moved forward, and I didn't look back. Until now... I've known that he'd receive their comfort. I've known that I'd stay away anyway, just to let it cool. I just didn't know that they'd think so lowly of me. And I understand. I'd done the shittiest things. But my friends, right? Yeah, what happened. Unconditional? Well. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. I swear I thought I knew. But right now, I just don't know what to feel, how to feel. About everything. I've been gone all summer. I've been away from them all summer. It's all so fcking different now. Or maybe it's just me. And I'm finally getting the taste of karma. Just maybe. I'm saying...fuck it. Fuck the rest. My friends right now, that even try to be with me and talk to me and just listen and care, they've had me all summer. And I'm keeping them. It's nice to know who's there. Whatever happens now. But this one. This one's for Dean. This thank you won't do me any justice. In fact, I might just end up sounding pathetic and lame. I really want to hate you for doing this. I really want to hate you for a lot of things. I want to believe that you're evil, and selfish, and greedy like the people that have loved me in the past. That only want the satisfaction of their happiness. But you. God damnit. Your pure intentions can kill me. I can't believe that to this day, your concern is my bloody happiness. That you'd go through that trouble. That you'd...ah. What am I supposed to say? And I'm sure it's my bloody birthday present, but fck. Really? We both know how much that band means to me. How much that music means to me. And though I feel like shit for receiving something I don't deserve, bloody...thank you. It's so difficult. Because you're not mean. And you're not cold. And you're not an asshole. And even if you were, I'd understand. But I have never fcking met anyone like you. Is this like your master plan? Have me writhe my insides? DAMN. Good plan. And bloody, you still wanted to be my friend? Really? That was the prime thing that you wanted of me after we ended? The fck! Crazy ass. I don't understand. I don't understand your existence. I don't understand why you're being so nice. And it's bloody stupid. Because it's so natural for us to be friends. And I wish it wasn't. So that it wouldn't be easy. Because I know I don't deserve a friend like you either. What else is stupid? You're a better friend than the friends that I believe were my friends. THIS IS GAY. YOU'RE SO GAY. But ahhhh. I can honestly say. That you have shaped me the most. You are responsible for my now happiness because you led me here. You are the one that I needed to get my act together. And though you're the only person that I've ever hurt like this...you're still the only person that would never hurt me. Fuck everyone else. You made the most insane mark. You're like a badass, first tattoo, you know? You're probably small and simple, but still hurt. And it's like, now I'm moving on to more elaborate tattoos, you know? But you'll still be the one that I show people and say, "Yeah, this was my first one." I'm babbling. I don't know. I sound so bloody absurd. I don't know how I'll repay you for being incredible. But one day, I will. Watch me. Dean Dantes, it's ridiculous. But you're still a phenomena.