Maybe it was the rearranging of my bed. I just can't seem to shake off this uneasiness. Or this...hunger.
I think the potential of what we had is eating at me. I take comfort in the fact that you've forgiven me. And I take comfort in the fact that there are no resentments toward us and we can converse like two friends, civil and casual. I thought the haunting feelings would go away once I knew we were alright. But the nicer things are getting, the stranger my dreams get. Mm, maybe my dreams aren't as odd as I think they are. It's your mere appearance that really startles me. And once I awake, I am washed over with the weight of everything that ever existed between us. This can't be guilt still, could it?
But now, at least I've grasped the full implication of what finding a 'rebound' feels like. I cannot, cannot, cannot leave things to hang in the air while finding something new. I must always, always, always deal with situations. I can't have loose threads. I can't have unfinished business. It's unhealthy. It taunts. And it's so stupid because I'm way passed that rebound. But finding that rebound is another loose thread. I just have loose threads all over the place.
I'm up for nearly two years of this and the madness of my actions still trail me around. I'm trying to make amends now. Everyone around me is so forgiving that I'm learning to be harsh on myself, now that I'm aware of how reckless I had been. The years don't wash away the damages I caused. I'm very glad these people have moved passed this. But this was my mess, so it stays with me. I hope this does not translate as regression. I'm just picking up all the pieces I tore and tossed away.
I think the potential of what we had is eating at me. I take comfort in the fact that you've forgiven me. And I take comfort in the fact that there are no resentments toward us and we can converse like two friends, civil and casual. I thought the haunting feelings would go away once I knew we were alright. But the nicer things are getting, the stranger my dreams get. Mm, maybe my dreams aren't as odd as I think they are. It's your mere appearance that really startles me. And once I awake, I am washed over with the weight of everything that ever existed between us. This can't be guilt still, could it?
But now, at least I've grasped the full implication of what finding a 'rebound' feels like. I cannot, cannot, cannot leave things to hang in the air while finding something new. I must always, always, always deal with situations. I can't have loose threads. I can't have unfinished business. It's unhealthy. It taunts. And it's so stupid because I'm way passed that rebound. But finding that rebound is another loose thread. I just have loose threads all over the place.
I'm up for nearly two years of this and the madness of my actions still trail me around. I'm trying to make amends now. Everyone around me is so forgiving that I'm learning to be harsh on myself, now that I'm aware of how reckless I had been. The years don't wash away the damages I caused. I'm very glad these people have moved passed this. But this was my mess, so it stays with me. I hope this does not translate as regression. I'm just picking up all the pieces I tore and tossed away.
