A little over 6 months

I call this, the longest entry in the world.
I just want to write and write about us.

There are moments in our lives that completely alter us from who we once were and what we once knew. Moments that we can't turn back from. Moments that shed light to everything we couldn't see before.

My moment was in a dark, humid living room lit by the soft yellow lights of a lamp one summer night. My moment was a pair of eyes trying to burn a hole through me, trying to grab me and wrap itself around me. My moment was effortless and brown at the irises and left me with an awe that I knew I would instantly absorb with everything that I knew of that night. I remember dilated eyes and the smiles that would soon after tear my life into pieces, only to be rebuilt to the unrecognizable piece it is now.

This was the night I met Rae. And this night signified how wrong I have been about myself and about numerous things I thought I knew of. This night was the beginning of a collapse that I had been anticipating. This night was the beginning of the storm he brought me, and the unbelievable beauty it came along with.

For as long as I had known him, I have understood the fact that Rae is an incredibly shy and nearly socially awkward person. He's pleasant, but he would always try to search for something inside him to hold him back. But the night we met, he stood in front of me with the confidence that swept me off my steady feet. He looked at me as if he'd known me all along and that he was now with the victorious bliss of finally finding my eyes. He spoke to me as if I was another wonder of the world. I felt the creep of his smiles and the weight of his gaze. And I thought to myself, God who is this? I found the need to be near him and I felt his need to be near me. I didn't want to end whatever energy we were creating and to be flat, I nearly forgot about the rest of the world for just a second...

After hours of conversations and brewing attraction, I left abruptly and quickly. I left the room with a sudden goodbye and with out his contact in my phone nor mine in his. I left with a smile and a fading new hope. I sat in the car with my friends and wanted so badly to keep bringing his name up. But even as I bit my lip, I let myself slip.

When Ace stayed that night, I was given the chance to let as much as I want slip. I told her about our chemistry and how strangely connected we were with an almost blinding immediacy. But I recall letting that new found hope fade as quick as it came. I fell asleep that night with an agreement with myself that I won't try to find any other contact with him, and that what happened that night was only that night. I convinced myself that it was just a moment, nothing further.

The next few days, the hopeless romantic part of me, a very very very very small part of me, hoped that maybe he would find me. But with my better relief, he didn't. And every day, I continued on with a reminder that he will remain more as a faint memory. But to my surprise, a few days later, he had indeed attempted to find me. Added me, how nice of him I thought. I still didn't think anything of it because he hadn't said a word after. And so my slight new hope almost dwindled to just that memory of him.

Another few days and there he was, trying to chat with me. It was astounding because I coincidentally signed on that night in particular, and knowing me then, I almost never did. And so when he caught me, he caught me good. That chat led us to a conversation, and he ended up calling me and we spoke until the early hours of the morning...

That night, I sang to him because I'd lost a bet.

And needless to say, everything on is history!

We were challenged by the rest of the world, I remember. We were faced with obstacles that I hadn't asked for, but something about him made everything worth it. Our mistakes led us to understanding more and learning acceptance and to just move on.

I remember, on the roughest nights, he would ask me if he was worth it. Every night. "Am I worth it?" "Am I still worth it?" And every night, I never hesitated to say yes. And I fought for him. It almost didn't matter to me that I was piled on with the things I hadn't done. I was wrongly perceived and blamed for things I hadn't done and things I had no control over. But I accepted it all. I took it all in because I couldn't erase the fact that he was meant just that much to me. And I was called every damned name in the book and I thought my heart would break. I thought I couldn't take it. I was called stupid for giving so much for a "stranger." But I knew myself better than any of them. And I knew that I wouldn't just do this for any guy, not even the best guys I once knew. And so to be compelled by someone that strongly... I knew I couldn't let him go.

A little over 6 months later, and we're here now. The storm has calmed and I fall asleep every night knowing that meeting Raemon gave me the chance to be the better part of me.

I have found someone who has made me realize that I am completely capable of accepting everything about someone, the good, the bad, the ugly. We're not perfect, and we never ever will be. But I get to keep him. I get to be with him. And I get to make him happy everyday.

Raemon taught me to be kind. He taught me to be patient and to have faith in the things worth while. He shows me the better part of me. His adoration for me is warm and tangible. And we're only just beginning. One day, he is going to be all mine and I'll be the best possible version of me and I'll make him the happiest person in the world. That's all I have ever really wanted of him. But for now, our journey is just beginning.

Certainty, I always said. The most compelling person I have ever, ever met.