Disclaimer: This is another long entry about us. I can talk about us for..forever.
For six months now.
We are not an 'official' couple, whatever that means to you people, but we most certainly are...amazing nonetheless.
I must admit, at first I thought this guy was so ridiculous. When we were nearly 4 months into seeing each other, this punk didn't even try to kiss me. Nope. Not once. I remember the amount of times I almost just kissed him, with out waiting on him, with out caring as to why he hasn't kissed me yet because I knew it in him. The way he looked at me, he was dying to kiss me. But no. I forcefully told myself to be patient. I would almost have to ball my fists and curl my toes to resist it. My friends even teased me about it. "So, have you and Rae kissed yet? NO!? WHAT?! It's been like 2 years!" God, my patience was impeccable.
Then, one December night, a beautiful night, he asked me on a date. He chose the place and everything, which he barely and rarely ever does even now because he always wants to make sure that we do what I want to do. We drove towards San Jose, through all the buzzing traffic of the cold night. I remember singing him countless songs while in the car, and laughing about anything and everything. We'd catch easy conversations and I can never forget the way he would look at me...
After eating at the restaurant and being the loudest people (mostly me) in the room, we decided to just stroll around. Christmas decorations were up and the night was brightly lit. We nearly touched every inch of those sidewalks. Probably not actually, since we ended up sitting on a bench and talking for hours. It was a lovely night I thought. I couldn't have been happier then. There I was at Santana Row, feeling so free to show off Rae like he was already mine then and like everyone who saw us knew it too. And God the way he would always look at me...
When it became late, we drove back to my house. We sat in my dining table and continued on with such a good night. That's all we would ever really do. Sit, talk, laugh, sing, and look at each other the way we do. Something about that night reassured me though. Something about it screamed at me, and the way my stomach had curled into knots made my chest well up.
Around midnight, or a little after, we both knew it was time to end the night. And so, just like any other night, I walked him to my front door where we would stand and stall as if he didn't need to leave. Then after several minutes of fighting the fate of his leaving, I'd finally open my front door, and he would step out on my porch. Then he would turn to me, stare at me, smile, then sigh to himself. That night was not any different. We did exactly that, as we always do. After he sighed, I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his chest. We let go, looked at each other again, then I buried my face into his neck. That cold night specifically, I stepped out on the porch too. And then I felt it. More than ever, I felt his very need to finally kiss me. For the love of Christ, this punk took his precious time. It made me so nervous that I was nearly having a hot flash outside in the wintery night. And I'll spare all the dirty little details but yes, he finally kissed me. And I will never forget it. 1) because no other first kiss has ever made me that nervous and made me feel that ...crazy than his. I blame that to the agonizing months that I so badly wanted to just kiss him. 2) we stumbled on each other. Our lips were strangers, but curious strangers. I learned so much more how gentle he was and how aware he was of me. He didn't kiss selfishly or thoughtlessly. And I adored this about him.
It's easy to guess that Rae and I ended on an amazing note that night. And I was ridiculously squealing like a girl, grinning from ear to ear, doing a little dance here and a little dance there. And all my frustrations before, my nearly considerable insecurities of questioning why he wouldn't kiss me all paid off. And I understood then why he waited so long. Why he didn't rush the moment. I understood the intent of his patience. And of course, that patience seeped deep into my skin as well. We built all our feelings, our desires, our emotions, our chemistry and energies to this one insanely unforgettable night. And in that one night, our potential and everything we built set itself on fire, and I could not believe that it was all mine to share.
Ever since then, I learned not to rush anything. I learned the value and beauty and purpose of patience. This is why, to this day, the fact that HE HASN'T ASKED ME TO BE HIS ...doesn't matter too much unlike it would've if it wasn't him. But that's just it. It is him. This is why I haven't rushed or pushed him. (Although I do tend to joke with him about how single I am). And knowing me, considering my lack of patience and my uncontrollable and undeniable impulse, I was boiling with impetuous attempts to make him ask me. Nudge him this way, force him this way. But I didn't. And considering that my mind changes every 3 seconds, and how I get bored of the same guy for too long, I...didn't. My feelings for him never lessened or disappeared and I certainly did not get bored of him. Everything that I would have expected myself to do... I just...didn't. Why? Because Rae isn't just some guy that I found out likes me and I found myself liking him back. He's not just some guy that I want to give the boyfriend title to. I'll never be able to rationally explain why he's so special to me, why he feels so much more than just being a person I care about. He's... Rae. And I'm Ange. And our story exceeds anything against us. Exceeds it enough to understand that what we have is far too amazing. And the both of us together is almost... indispensable. Almost. In short, I just mean I want everything that we have to offer each other. I want everything pertaining to 'us'. For now, I just want you. And we're here now. And everything is ours now. And that's all that matters. This. Here and Now. With You. And whatever the future holds, fuck it for now.
PS. You're probably reading this aren't you? Yeah well it's 4:03am, I have class in 5 hours and you are snoring like an electric fan. I'll take you off of speaker because you might wake up the rest of my house and my neighbors. Good one huh punk?
I must admit, at first I thought this guy was so ridiculous. When we were nearly 4 months into seeing each other, this punk didn't even try to kiss me. Nope. Not once. I remember the amount of times I almost just kissed him, with out waiting on him, with out caring as to why he hasn't kissed me yet because I knew it in him. The way he looked at me, he was dying to kiss me. But no. I forcefully told myself to be patient. I would almost have to ball my fists and curl my toes to resist it. My friends even teased me about it. "So, have you and Rae kissed yet? NO!? WHAT?! It's been like 2 years!" God, my patience was impeccable.
Then, one December night, a beautiful night, he asked me on a date. He chose the place and everything, which he barely and rarely ever does even now because he always wants to make sure that we do what I want to do. We drove towards San Jose, through all the buzzing traffic of the cold night. I remember singing him countless songs while in the car, and laughing about anything and everything. We'd catch easy conversations and I can never forget the way he would look at me...
After eating at the restaurant and being the loudest people (mostly me) in the room, we decided to just stroll around. Christmas decorations were up and the night was brightly lit. We nearly touched every inch of those sidewalks. Probably not actually, since we ended up sitting on a bench and talking for hours. It was a lovely night I thought. I couldn't have been happier then. There I was at Santana Row, feeling so free to show off Rae like he was already mine then and like everyone who saw us knew it too. And God the way he would always look at me...
When it became late, we drove back to my house. We sat in my dining table and continued on with such a good night. That's all we would ever really do. Sit, talk, laugh, sing, and look at each other the way we do. Something about that night reassured me though. Something about it screamed at me, and the way my stomach had curled into knots made my chest well up.
Around midnight, or a little after, we both knew it was time to end the night. And so, just like any other night, I walked him to my front door where we would stand and stall as if he didn't need to leave. Then after several minutes of fighting the fate of his leaving, I'd finally open my front door, and he would step out on my porch. Then he would turn to me, stare at me, smile, then sigh to himself. That night was not any different. We did exactly that, as we always do. After he sighed, I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his chest. We let go, looked at each other again, then I buried my face into his neck. That cold night specifically, I stepped out on the porch too. And then I felt it. More than ever, I felt his very need to finally kiss me. For the love of Christ, this punk took his precious time. It made me so nervous that I was nearly having a hot flash outside in the wintery night. And I'll spare all the dirty little details but yes, he finally kissed me. And I will never forget it. 1) because no other first kiss has ever made me that nervous and made me feel that ...crazy than his. I blame that to the agonizing months that I so badly wanted to just kiss him. 2) we stumbled on each other. Our lips were strangers, but curious strangers. I learned so much more how gentle he was and how aware he was of me. He didn't kiss selfishly or thoughtlessly. And I adored this about him.
It's easy to guess that Rae and I ended on an amazing note that night. And I was ridiculously squealing like a girl, grinning from ear to ear, doing a little dance here and a little dance there. And all my frustrations before, my nearly considerable insecurities of questioning why he wouldn't kiss me all paid off. And I understood then why he waited so long. Why he didn't rush the moment. I understood the intent of his patience. And of course, that patience seeped deep into my skin as well. We built all our feelings, our desires, our emotions, our chemistry and energies to this one insanely unforgettable night. And in that one night, our potential and everything we built set itself on fire, and I could not believe that it was all mine to share.
Ever since then, I learned not to rush anything. I learned the value and beauty and purpose of patience. This is why, to this day, the fact that HE HASN'T ASKED ME TO BE HIS ...doesn't matter too much unlike it would've if it wasn't him. But that's just it. It is him. This is why I haven't rushed or pushed him. (Although I do tend to joke with him about how single I am). And knowing me, considering my lack of patience and my uncontrollable and undeniable impulse, I was boiling with impetuous attempts to make him ask me. Nudge him this way, force him this way. But I didn't. And considering that my mind changes every 3 seconds, and how I get bored of the same guy for too long, I...didn't. My feelings for him never lessened or disappeared and I certainly did not get bored of him. Everything that I would have expected myself to do... I just...didn't. Why? Because Rae isn't just some guy that I found out likes me and I found myself liking him back. He's not just some guy that I want to give the boyfriend title to. I'll never be able to rationally explain why he's so special to me, why he feels so much more than just being a person I care about. He's... Rae. And I'm Ange. And our story exceeds anything against us. Exceeds it enough to understand that what we have is far too amazing. And the both of us together is almost... indispensable. Almost. In short, I just mean I want everything that we have to offer each other. I want everything pertaining to 'us'. For now, I just want you. And we're here now. And everything is ours now. And that's all that matters. This. Here and Now. With You. And whatever the future holds, fuck it for now.
PS. You're probably reading this aren't you? Yeah well it's 4:03am, I have class in 5 hours and you are snoring like an electric fan. I'll take you off of speaker because you might wake up the rest of my house and my neighbors. Good one huh punk?
