I haven't been able to wrap my brain around anything lately. I feel so sluggish and idle, like I'm constantly on autopilot. And lately I have only been wanting to do one thing. It makes me so... sad that my brain keeps resorting to that one thing. I'm starting to feel like it's some physical need I have to get rid off, but I can't seem to. I'm putting a lot of caffeine in my system and not enough food. My appetite has gone down way low. Which is strange because I expected that I'd want to be eating more.
There's this funny little feeling inside me too. A curious one. A familiar one. But it's frightening to me. I've had this before. This overwhelming ...darkness almost. I don't feel like myself. My eyes seem to keep squinting or closing. My interests are changing. My laughter doesn't feel the same. It reminds me of this book I'm recently reading. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I personally do not like the story entirely, but there are certain aspects that catch my attention. Like the sister for example. I empathize completely with her character and I love her character. It almost felt like the book was directly describing me. I have yet to finish the book, so of course I can't tell how closely related we are. But I read about these feelings she gets. These feelings that eat her up. They're not agonizing. They're not dramatic. But they certainly are compelling and potent. And she always feels the need to do something, anything to quench the thirst of it. She always ends up doing something reckless. Something outrageous. Something destructive almost. She always bounces back from them, but reckless is reckless. Just when things start settling in her life, she starts to feel the restlessness. The dullness. And once she feels that restlessness, she makes her next move. They're never easy decisions, and they're never happy. She puts herself in trouble before she fixes everything. And I couldn't help but recognize her shoes. I feel as if I do the exact same thing. I ruin things to almost irreparable damages just so I can work myself to fix it all again. And I can't turn myself back now, I feel that restlessness.
"Run like a race for family
When you hear like you're alone
The rusted gears of morning
To faceless busy phones
We gladly run in circles
But the shape we meant to make is gone"
There's this funny little feeling inside me too. A curious one. A familiar one. But it's frightening to me. I've had this before. This overwhelming ...darkness almost. I don't feel like myself. My eyes seem to keep squinting or closing. My interests are changing. My laughter doesn't feel the same. It reminds me of this book I'm recently reading. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I personally do not like the story entirely, but there are certain aspects that catch my attention. Like the sister for example. I empathize completely with her character and I love her character. It almost felt like the book was directly describing me. I have yet to finish the book, so of course I can't tell how closely related we are. But I read about these feelings she gets. These feelings that eat her up. They're not agonizing. They're not dramatic. But they certainly are compelling and potent. And she always feels the need to do something, anything to quench the thirst of it. She always ends up doing something reckless. Something outrageous. Something destructive almost. She always bounces back from them, but reckless is reckless. Just when things start settling in her life, she starts to feel the restlessness. The dullness. And once she feels that restlessness, she makes her next move. They're never easy decisions, and they're never happy. She puts herself in trouble before she fixes everything. And I couldn't help but recognize her shoes. I feel as if I do the exact same thing. I ruin things to almost irreparable damages just so I can work myself to fix it all again. And I can't turn myself back now, I feel that restlessness.
"Run like a race for family
When you hear like you're alone
The rusted gears of morning
To faceless busy phones
We gladly run in circles
But the shape we meant to make is gone"
Lion's Mane - Iron & Wine
