I had one of the best conversations with a good friend of mine.

I brought up forgiveness, and it led to this whole realization that I felt I should have realized before but felt too rotten of a person to admit.
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I want to say to someone...

I...am sorry. I am incredibly sorry for everything that I have ever done and for everything that has happened. I'm sorry for all the adversities that I've caused and the pain that I know we'll always carry around. But with out knowing it, with how I know that I've grown and changed, I began forgiving myself. I began letting go of the heaviness that I carried on my shoulders day by day. I used to always sulk and dwell and mope and feel like the sorriest ass I have ever known. But I began forgiving myself...and that's how I let go. And it feels good.

But you should know, there is no goodbye. I have to face the fact and know that even if this is it, there is no goodbye. It does not exist in this world, in these worlds. It is unheard of and is under every weight this world can carry. It does not exist. In the beginning, I created and led my own path, and you chose to follow.

What we can't forget is nature.

This is it. And this can be it for thousands of times like it's always been. But it's not over. It's not over until we both stop breathing.

But I hope, I really hope that you can forgive me one day. I really hope that you can forgive me for every damn mistake that I'd made. Every weight that I'd added on your heart. I've taken my mistakes, my faults and blames and responsibilities and dealt with it, accepted it. I'd apologized and redeemed and sucked out the black hate that I kept in me. Time and I do not settle with ease, but you've got to know

I, with every gasp of air that I take, am sorry..

I'll wait for the day that the darkness abandons us.

PS. Thank you good friend, for the conversation that opened me up. Tu sais qui tu es, j'espere. Aha.