Hier, ma famille, mon petit copain, et moi avons regarde le film Up. Je l'ai aime[:
-
J'aime texting parfois parce que...

.makay: "Wanna be my date for gay prom?!"
...
.dx2: "HAHA I like it when you play with my tummy."
...
.jersey: "You're so ugly. LOLOLOL LMAO I AM LAUGHING ON THE FLOOR ROLLING AROUND. HARHARHAR. COUGH I'M CHOKING X_X DEAD..."

PS. I misread the calendar and thought that today was the day to see Yeah Yeah Yeah's. What a heartbreaking disappointment to find out that it's next Saturday.

Un plus semaine.

"As the waves break..."

Walk slower...

"Why?"

Walk slower...

"Why?"

Walk slower...

I will never, never let myself watch you walk away.

Kiss me goodbye pushing out before i sleep
can't you see i try swimming the same deep
water as you is hard "the shallow drowned lose
less than we" you breathe the strangest twist
upon your lips "and we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye bow your head and join with
me" and face pushed deep rteflections meet
the strangest twist upon your lips and
dissapear the ripples clear and laughing break
against your feet and laughing break the mirror
sweet "so we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye" pushing out before i sleep
it's lower now and slower now the strangest
twist upon your lips but i don't see and i dont
feel but tightly hold up silently my hands
before my fading eyes and in my eyes your
smile the very last thing before i go...

I will kiss you i will kiss you i will kiss you
forever on nights like this i will kiss you i will
kiss you and we shall be together...
-

We take these and rip in front of one another. We sat there, stiffening on the gravelly surface. It wasn't cold, not at all. In fact, it was just the right time of the day for me. But what had happened...

I'd said nothing. And I stared at the trail of ants panicking away from the lawn sprinkles. I stood up, stepped on them, and waited. I waited to get better, to be well. But I just stepped on them further, bullied what I can, and sat back down. I waited, I waited to get better. But I didn't, and I'm not. And I shouldn't have uttered the truth. I should've just let the day sink into me like it would any other twilight when it feels good.

I'm waiting for karma to catch up with me.
-
8 months, with these pains I'm passing out like candy, you're still a phenomena.
-


PS. I introduced The Honorary Title to Taylor. I have never openly done this, but she has good taste in music. She already figured out the pain of that last song that makes me cry.

PPS. Can't wait for Saturday.

I had one of the best conversations with a good friend of mine.

I brought up forgiveness, and it led to this whole realization that I felt I should have realized before but felt too rotten of a person to admit.
-
I want to say to someone...

I...am sorry. I am incredibly sorry for everything that I have ever done and for everything that has happened. I'm sorry for all the adversities that I've caused and the pain that I know we'll always carry around. But with out knowing it, with how I know that I've grown and changed, I began forgiving myself. I began letting go of the heaviness that I carried on my shoulders day by day. I used to always sulk and dwell and mope and feel like the sorriest ass I have ever known. But I began forgiving myself...and that's how I let go. And it feels good.

But you should know, there is no goodbye. I have to face the fact and know that even if this is it, there is no goodbye. It does not exist in this world, in these worlds. It is unheard of and is under every weight this world can carry. It does not exist. In the beginning, I created and led my own path, and you chose to follow.

What we can't forget is nature.

This is it. And this can be it for thousands of times like it's always been. But it's not over. It's not over until we both stop breathing.

But I hope, I really hope that you can forgive me one day. I really hope that you can forgive me for every damn mistake that I'd made. Every weight that I'd added on your heart. I've taken my mistakes, my faults and blames and responsibilities and dealt with it, accepted it. I'd apologized and redeemed and sucked out the black hate that I kept in me. Time and I do not settle with ease, but you've got to know

I, with every gasp of air that I take, am sorry..

I'll wait for the day that the darkness abandons us.

PS. Thank you good friend, for the conversation that opened me up. Tu sais qui tu es, j'espere. Aha.

Me: Xav!
X: Heey ange
Me: GUESS WHO GOT LAID!
X: You? Really??
Me: Me? Nah, but a lot of people, I'm sure.
X: Omg you FAG!
-
I am incredibly glad that prom is over now. It was a lovely night. Cold and warm. I saw tears rolling before everyone even got inside the building! Sweet sweet highschool.

If I may be honest, D and I looked amazing. At least we felt amazing together. We looked like the top of a wedding cake!



I don't feel like saying much.
-
My men


And Halo

My sister and I do not think that she is pretty. We think she is beautiful. We really love her.

PS. I have never felt that I was that amazing.

Dean Reese Dantes, you are a phenomena.

My boyfriend and I were supposed to get our nails done today. We arrived at the mall, saw Melanie and Teddy sitting casually on the bench in front of the nail place. I asked her what her doings were at the mall for the 2nd day this week. She flashed her nails and mumbled about pictures. So, I asked her how much it would cost to get our nails done. She said $26, and I set still and said fuck it.

Btw, while typing "bench" ^ up there, I accidentally typed in "bitch". Aha, that really amused me. A slight giggle even struck out of me.
-
Today after school felt like the last day of school. Maybe it was because of the nostalgic, at-end's mood that the assembly left us with. Ty was gone. Ry was gone. And everyone else was gone. The bench was empty. But then I saw D standing there, and he joined me in that little moment of solitude. It felt really good. "ALRIGHT SUMMER! HERE WE COME!" He has been yelling all day. All day.

I swear, that boy and I strike at each other's throats then rip each other's heads off at every chance we get. We never see eye to eye. We are always countering the other's statement. And I think we're starting to do it on purpose. ...Neh, that's just the way we are. We are complete opposites, we really are. And those mismatched, mix pieces of ourselves keeps us together. though. But then again, those pieces could also break us apart. It isn't right now, it hasn't before. And if ever it does, then he has been the best for and to me.

I want the world to know, I love Dean Dantes. Even if he makes me feel shitty sometimes because we fight. Even when I get angry at him and he gets angry at me, and we're total dicks to each other. The only love that I have ever known that have really struck and broken my insides to a degree unrecognizable is the most painful one. Actions and consquences, bring on the pain!

PS. "Glitter on the wet streets. Silver over everything.."

Ace refuses to leave my house, that's what's up.

Guess what? Makay came back to school today and I was so happy! She lost her voice and I just wanted to listen to her talk all day! She sounded like LC and B. Davis all at the same time. The best rasp voice after Rosey's and Ace's lost voice.

I like being around Makay. She makes things very alive for me. I can say whatever is in my head and be as strange as I can be, and she'll be amused! I love amusing people, but I don't have to try with her at all. I just do. She makes me very happy. And I want to say that it scares me to know that, but I don't think I am afraid. C'est bien, oui?

I think I am more excited about seeing Yeah Yeah Yeah's than going to prom. The only reason why I'm still excited for prom is because I want to dress up, and see everyone else dressed up, and...have a great night with D. But the thought of Yeah Yeah Yeah's and Taking Back Sunday. Oh man I get mammoths in my stomach!

I keep talking about the same things on my blogs, but whatever. I'm just saying.

The ancient laptop has a virus, and RV is always on the desktop, so I am never online. Except for the nights when she showers, lol.

J'ai besoin de dormir...

3 days.

I've been in the bloody malls for 3 days. I've reached my limit. I don't want to go back.

Everyone was at the mall today. I mean everyone. My prom king best friend was there looking for something purple. Melanie with her flagrant and loud lesbian comments to me was there with Alexis. My neighbor from the 4th grade was there. Chen was there with her parents. The white people (whom D says cannot remember their names but only know that they love me) were there. A group of random bunches were there. I was there. I saw too much familiar faces. Lol, I just wanted to leave. But, it was another good day with the family and the boyfriend.

Right now, my hair is curled. I don't believe that I am a curly person, nor should I attempt to be. But my bangs are getting so long that I can't even leave it in the front anymore. My white dress and I are amazing together. I really love it, I do. I'm set for prom I think. I can't wait to see D in his tux. I can't wait to see everyone look terrific. I can't wait till this is all over, and we are stress free.

I still've anything intelligent to say. Abstract even. My mind just can't loose ties. Not till it's summer.

But guess what? Makay says she'll be back tomorrow, and just the thought of it makes me anxious to go to school. I missed her so much! She's been so sick lately. If I wasn't prom busy, I would've visited everyday! Well, I can't wait. And! We're getting the BFD tickets sooooooon. I'm about to have the best Saturdays!

It's 9:53pm, and I need a shower.

PS. I'm thinking of setting up a court meeting on June 13th. I need to start planning to get everyone together. The coupling thing makes me anxious.

Nicholas: " Can you partner me with the hottest girl possible?[: "

LOL.

What can I say about this day!

Today was so much love and hate, fight and play, smiles and tears. But it was such a great day...

D and I play around a lot. We say a load of crap to each other, intended for fun. But one of us always gets offended in some way, and the other will always flip out and be offended that the other is offended. And then we fight. We argue. And our voices strain trying not to scream. First, we argue a while about the situation and why the other is being such a jerk. And then! One of us will bring up an argument from the past, and it just gets bigger! After a few struggling scream fests, we'll get quiet, we'll breathe a while, and we let time cool us a sec. Once we can look at each other again, we throw apologies everywhere, and then...we end up holding each other, and everything is fine again. I love it when we make up. I feel warm, like I'm slightly intoxicated. Yeah, lunch was so grand though. It all started with his incredibly strong, kung-fu grip and my playful smart mouth.. Aha thinking back to it now, we are so silly.

After school, Mama and Papa took us to exchange my dress for a better one. D wanted to pay, but my parents beat him to it and told him to put his money away. A million thanks to the greatest people in my life...

Anyway, I love it when D hangs out with me and the family. I feel so complete. And so does he. He's growing very much more comfortable, and I just want to smother him with all of the family love because he doesn't receive any.

It was strange, but I think I just fell more in love with him. And nothing else significant is really going through my head.

Sigh.

YYY

Everytime I hear this song...



I get so turned on v.v

I cannot wait.

The Cure, on this fine night, makes me tingle inside.

I'd like to tell you the current things I am excited for.

1. Prom! Of course I'm excited for prom, it's prom! But at the same time, I can't wait till we get passed it. I do miss hanging out with Baby over the weekends. But instead he has to work because he wants us to have the best prom at the far away places of Pleasanton where it's brutally and beautifully hot, exactly what I want. Ha, Pleasanton has everything I want.

2. BFD! I need to buy tickets soon, VERY soon. My bones are dancing just thinking about seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeah's. I've spent my nights and mornings with them this year so far. And Taking Back Sunday!? My summer is going to begin with TBS again, and that already feels like heaven. I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW EXCITED I AM O_O

3. And of course, summer! Today was ridiculous. Ridiculously summer. I sat on my porch like I did almost everyday last summer. I heard the Wii noises like I heard almost everyday last summer. I played outside with my brother like I did almost everyday last summer. I endlessly refilled my cup with cold water because the cold always became warm like it did last summer. And I sang Honorary Title songs at the top of my lungs like I did everyday last summer. And today, just before the sun set, I stepped outside to the cooling air. And I swear, I swear my heart was ripping into pieces at how infinite I felt. It was approximately 2 minutes of amazement. At first, I could't grasp at how hard the hurt hit me. But oh it hit me, it hit me good. It made me smile to myself, and remember something really good. It made me think of moving forward now, and what's to come.

If you know...

I could just die.

It is 12:36 pm, spicy hot out.

But I am in doors, putting the list of my court together because my mother wants me to stop procrastinating everything already. It makes me anxious making a list, because I never know how to be sure of my choice of people. And so, Here's what I have. Or...what I think I have for now.

1. Enrico Andrade Jr.
2. Jude Michael Mendioro
3. Josh Batacan
4. Ryan Ramos
5. Fernan Caasi
6. Robert Nguyen
7. Xavier Geddins
8. Jon Millon
9. Alfonso Hernandez
10. Marc Garde
11. Henry Cho
12. Jeff Nebril
13. Adrian Del Fierro
14. Joehl Ostil
15. Sean Michael Ng
16. Nicholas Barrios
17. Christian Barrios
18. and Dean Dantes

The girl's list made me more anxious and stressed out...

1. Rikki V.
2. Alyssa Morelos Corpuz
3. Nicole Espera
4. Nicole Jeffery
5. Joyce Keokham
6. Kriszel Laccay
7. Leslie Anne Salvador
8. Melanie Quinteros
9. Rachel Ramos
10. Makayla Dias
11. Taylor Hoover Hart
12. Sandra Gow
13. Jennier Lee
14. Jessica Jeung
15. Alexis Delos Santos
16. Ashley Zambrano
17. Kim Le
18. Licelle Tenchavez

This might, and could possibly change over the next...5 months, but I'm making the invitations soon, so..IDK.

And about the coupling. I think I'll let them choose if they have a preference already. But if that becomes a mayhem, then we're going to do this at random, i.e. pulling names out of a hat random. So if you get my brother, then...LOL.

I need to set up a court meeting soon, informing everyone of absolutely everything and when rehearsals should be. And what to wear, and how this whole thing should smoothly sail. I'm exhausted...

And now is time to work on the guest list.

I need a bloody shower.

Whoever,

I've to say, I had a rather terrific day. Makay, Dean, and I finally developed one roll of film. It was incredibly exciting! I was jumping out of my pants with excitement when I held them in my hands and the two stuck their heads in to look. I love our picnics. I put up some pictures on my wall, and I feel so warm and happy when I see it. I cannot wait to develop the rest. I'll gradually get to that. Had I mentioned that I love our picnics?

Today, we saw these painfully adorable French...crap I forgot the name of 'em, but it was the cutest dog I'd ever seen. My favorite was Casper. He's white, lovable, and so tiny. I wanted to throw him, that's how cute. I feel strange when I get these desires to have a dog again, because I think of how many dogs we've had there didn't last. Sigh.

Can you feel summer creeping it's way? I can, I certainly can. I love warm late-afternoons well-spent. You just don't want it to end. But it does, it always does. There's always the next day though. And that's what I couldn't wait for when I happily crashed home. Tomorrow.

I've been waking up at 5:30 am lately, and I think I want to keep it that way. I want to wake up at 5:30 every morning, weekdays and weekends. I wonder how long I could keep it up.

If I wasn't so lazy and didn't have tremendous amounts of studying to do, I'd add a picture on this entry. But all the great pictures are in my head. So words will have to do.

We're moving forward now.

WhoElse.

PS. Tomorrow is RV's talent show at Walter's. Come and watch!

"Down
Count me down
Down
Down boy"

"Future will be better, I promise you that"
-Geddins, X.

-

Photo credits to Aces.

There was only one significant thing that I can remember of today.

I sat on the couch with him, like we always used to when time was more frequently attainable, watching my favorite movies together that soon became his favorites too.

Our feet twined and our hands restless. Every minute or two we'd look to the corner and catch the other glancing. And then we'd fall into a deep stare that neither of us expect no matter how many times it consecutively happened.

My heart was thumping out of my chest, screaming this agonizing feeling that I know I'd once...or twice felt before. It felt so strange. I felt like imploding. I felt like jumping out of my skin and release what ever was causing me such inexplicable longing. It's like I couldn't take it.

So, I contained myself, held on to his gaze, crawled next to him, resting my head on his chest. I wanted to bury myself there. He whispered into my hair, "I love you..."

I'd heard him say this a dozen and one times before, but this time, I felt a lump in my throat and a sting in my eyes. I buried myself deeper into him and whispered I love you too. I heard his heart beat faster until they too we're jumping out of his chest.

I pulled away and looked away for a second. When I turned back to him again, there were tears rolling down his cheeks. And this should come as a shock, but instead I smiled and I knew why it's been hurting to be with him more and more lately. I was hanging on to him now like he's been fighting for me the months that we've been together. I'd never completely acknowledged how much he loves me. How much he adores me. How much he yearns for me.

I understand that pain and weakness for him now. I never did, though I really, of all people, I really should have understood. I should have understood the pangs in your chest when you first see their face for the day. I should have understood the addiction that their scent leaves you, wanting more. I should have understood that their very words and their very eyes could crash your heart right down to your stomach and out scraping the ground. I should have understood that the mere thought of that person could have you breathless. I really should have understood.

I don't know everything, but I know enough about love.

I know that this I have... it's going to hurt like hell.

And I'm ready.

I have so much to say O_O
-
Let's begin with something not-so-light.

...

I was in the RC again today, Responsibility Center (I think?). It's been two days that I've wasted my precious time in there for 3rd block. This is what I get for indecent exposure. Next time, I'll remember to suppress the desire to take off my pants no matter how hottttt it is. NO MATTER HOW HOT! Just kidding, but that's the story I told people. Explaining that I was in the RC because I was learning how to play 13 just does not seem cool enough to even mention. (Carried away now).

So while in the RC...

A part of me wanted to cry. Or expected to cry. But unexpectedly, I didn't feel the warm, simmering eruption that I know would have led to a quiet, tearful digestion of what I already know after reading. I could not feel the weight of what should have been a heavy heart digging a hole in the pit of my stomach, the way it used to way back when. It's like being hit in the head with a beach ball.

This feels like the Butterfly Effect. And not with the alternate endings either. This is the Butterfly Effect. We had tried and tried and relentlessly tried for countless times. They were always different. Always a time. A different scene. Different people. Different reasons. Different hairstyles. But the ending is always the same. It is always a wreckage. It is always a mess. It always gets worse. And it always hurts. But like the theatrical ending of the movie, we are moving forward now. We are walking with the world, all the billions of them on the street. We are on our phones or heading home. We pass by each other, feel the subtle grazes of our shoulders. There's a slight twinge and a slight recognition. It's familiar, but not worth the stop anymore. Our eyes hardly meet but they still touch. And after that nano second of hesitation considering our next step, we move. We move, and we keep moving forward. There is something there. We both know there is something there. But the passersby keep walking, and the scene is a blur of the busy world. We are a part of that busy world. And now, we have accepted the paths of these pavements.

And the last scene of the movie, Evan and Kayleigh pass each other by, both turning around for a quick gaze. But that quick gaze was all they had, nothing more. Just...reminiscence. That's all that's left now.


The credits inevitably roll. Our names marked, and once again, like everything else, they forward to the top of the screen until they're no where in sight.

So your frequently asked question, remembering all the songs we've ever shared, "Is this it?"
We can finally answer.

This is it.

-
And now, I'll end this with something light.

D and I went shopping today. Well, I helped him shop. He is so helpless sometimes. He finally bought his baseball tees. He's been wanting those. He finally bought new black pants. He's been wanting those. He finally bought some tshirts. He's been wanting those. He finally bought white basketball shorts. He's been wanting those. And he bought ME black pants. He's been wanting those for me.

"I used to get chest pains every time I heard you say I love you to someone else in front of me but now I know I have it better than everyone else..."

He had a present for me today. Wrapped and topped with a loving monkey, Benjamin Button is finally mine! I guess I should have expected it, but I forgot somehow.

"PS. I hope you're surprised. I hope you like the movie. And if you decide I'm not your date to Prom, I put an extra ticket so that you can take who ever you like.
I love you Angerica Andrade

Dean Dantes"

That was all I needed when the sun was setting behind me.

I detest dress shopping. It makes me anxious and depressed. I do not like choosing under time and pressure. I do not like being held back by money. I do not like money! I am so picky and indecisive about what to put on myself. Guys have it so easy. They can look sharp with a really nice tux or suit. But girls have everything else in between to worry about. It's been 3 years (maybe 4 if I count 8th grade promotion) that I've had horrendous shopping expiriences for dresses. Next year, I'm not putting it off. I'm going to get that shit done. (Or so that's what I say now)

Sigh, other than that...well there really is nothing else other than that. Kim and I were able to spend some quality time and I'll be honest, it was rather nice. She's the only one that I can be the girliest with. I guess I'd forgotten how much fun we have together. But we're moving forward now, folks.

I'm very excited for prom. I'm excited to pick out a tux tomorrow with D. I'm excited about the next sunny days coming up. I'm just excited. But for now, I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely drained. And I have nothing intelligent to say. Therefore...

Bonne nuit ..

PS. 3 in the afternoon?! LOL

Guess what?

Benjamin Button comes out tomorrow. I saw the commercial tonight, and I almost wet myself. D says I've been doing that a lot lately. I ...have no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded dirty. Just like when he told me that my muffin was good. I couldn't help but giggle in class. I mean, what would YOU think? I told him that I woke up reeeally turned on from my nap tonight. It really was bad. I feel so cool for being abstinent (with the exception of kissing). But it's such a pain. It makes me think of dirty things in class, or when I'm watching TV, or before I go to bed, or when I wake up. My head is so full of lust lately, I think that means I need to get laid or something.

Oh but right, I'm abstinent ..



Since wasting time is my forte, I would love to, if I could, waste the rest of the days tangled on a mattress with you.

It's Blitz! Karen O brings out the sexiness of listening to music on a good night like this. Oh sin sin, lust lust.

I love you so viciously that my lips bled.

Predator and Prey

It's late and I'm tired but I could use something warm to make me sleep. So warm it burns.

I had a rather pleasant day and evening. Since it rained, Ace's Santa Cruz plans were shot so I'd thought that for the day, I can just lay around, update my Ipod (which really is no longer working), and talk to D. But then JB texted before I had stepped into my shower and invited me to dinner. I haven't spent any quality time with him in so long that I became so excited!

We drove to Warm Springs and he took me to his favorite ramen place. It was cool, and I mentioned something about Dining and Dashing. I really began considering it but he said that he went there way too often. I love our implied paying traditions The implication is that I never really have to pay.

We'd simply talked about everything else in between. Prom, significant others, sex, friends, college. I really missed him.


Apres, we waited for Ace in the car outside my house. We listened to both of their musically-told lives. From their previous friends, infatuations, reminiscence, adventures to the aimless phrases just so we can spit some laughter. 8 o'clock and we played Monopoly. JB and Ace fucking killed RV and me. Mainly because we hadn't really known the basic principles, and because we we're absolutely caught up with texting.

We played till 12, and they just left. I was over 20,000 in debt, and the game ended with RV in her room, Ace scraping so that she wouldn't have to admit JB won, JB excitedly screaming and farting, and me with 305 to spare. Wonderful night!

Just like Summer '08

Yesterday, I swallowed the sun. Today, I cried my heart out. We are exploding across the skies, I know. Star-crossed and viciously erupting out of our thirsty, weeping cores.