i faked an orgasm when i lost my virginity because it felt like the right thing to do. also because i was praying it would soon end. it didn't end soon enough. it didn't end at all. i'm still losing my virginity right now. to this very day, it goes on.
faking laughter is the same concept to me, except i'm a lot more generous with giving out fake laughter. after losing my virginity and faking a fun time, i never faked it again. (that might be a lie because i'm pretty sure i faked it all through that relationship. how. fucking. sad.) but like i said, i prayed it would end and it still feels like it hasn't.
i was fake laughing the other day and it brought back all my fake feelings. i faked a lot of feelings as a child and as a raging hormonal teen. but i suppose even now i still fake it. fake it till you...nevermind.
i'd always been suspicious of my friends whom i thought were suspicious of my laughter. if they can tell it's fake, then they must really know me. i'm an enigma, aren't i? can you even tell if i like something or not? i spend most of my time talking shit about literally everything, no matter if i'm partial to it or not. i also spend a lot of time lying (but i'm tired of saying that). that must mean it takes a strenuous amount of brain work to comprehend and analyze all the things that i say and do. i've grown used to eyes squinting the truth out of me. i haven't a poker face so much as i have only my face. the silent deliberation on the faces of the people that i know are now very familiar to me. i can tell when you don't believe me and i can tell when you do. don't worry, i don't ever judge you an idiot. i merely tell myself that i'm fantastic. "REALLY???" and "ARE YOU SERIOUS???" are the few most common responses to my fakes. usually, i'll only smile and let you draw your own conclusion. those are the best days. when i never really had to lie at all. you lied to yourself, you idiot.
but also
s/o to the ones who don't need strenuous brain work to know. it must mean it's so natural to be around me that your brain doesn't have to hurt. i love you (probably?)
guess how many times i've faked an "i love you."
go ahead.
