it's nearly 6am. i'd just spent a night in front of the fire (like most nights lately) being as casual as i can manage near other human beings. i prefer it over getting drunk alone in my room. but who really likes to get drunk alone in their bedroom? (no, i really do enjoy it sometimes).
i'm going to try and not be so bitter on this one. there's been an influx of my negativity in my entries, and though i do enjoy my natural style of writing, i'm going to attempt a better mood. i won't promise it'll be a world too positive. but i will try. give me a cookie for it. validate my effort. you're my only reader. i correspond directly to you now, reader, because i don't think i'd ever tried this before. i may have. i don't know, i can't tell now. this is me breaking the fourth wall. this is you reading on.
now that i'd addressed the fourth wall, my mind renders itself barren. i really have nothing in particular to share. i just wanted to freshen up the molding of my deteriorating entries. but now i'm nervous and the tension between us is one-sided because i'm producing these words and you're just looking at it. i refrain from using the word awkward, but to be honest, this is a little awkward. somehow i managed to make things awkward between you and me. keep reading, maybe it'll get better.
after our bonfire, my buddy and i went on another long ride to nowhere. we talked on because we really only have each other to talk to in absolute comfort and security. that is my friendship with mak. we talk because we understand each other. and tonight (i suppose this morning), i realized that had we not known each other all these years, i would probably feel more alone than i do now. i'll always be thankful i found a friend like her. it's one of the few things in life i didn't know i needed until i had it. but you know that, don't you? my range in topics is quite slim and i only bring up so many people. very few people, actually. but you know that, don't you? i talk about myself and my feelings and my troubles and all of that bull shit. this is my blog, i can cry if i want to.
by the time i reached home, it was already 6am. that's when i picked up my laptop and decided to aimlessly type. that's what led me to addressing you now, reader. come to full circle, i am back to awkward. this is somehow giving off a creepy vibe, in my opinion, and i want to say i won't continue blogging this way for my future entries. still with me? i doubt it'll get better, but keep reading anyway.
i swear i'm not trying to be clever. this isn't clever, this is odd. i've built a relationship with my blog. it's a seven year relationship, and we are going strong. but i hadn't considered much the readers of which i am now completely aware i have. i still try not to consider it so much when putting in my thoughts because it keeps me from writing what i mean to. thinking about the people--i'm sorry--thinking about the reader, you, makes me use the backspace a lot. i can't write an entry properly if i consider the audience too much because i end up second-guessing everything that comes out of me. like now. like this. i'm questioning whether or not i'll actually publish this. got ten on it that i will. got five on it that i'll revert it back to drafts the next day.
my relationship with my blog is my most constant relationship. i'd known it longer than i'd known the person i share almost everything with. if anything, this is the extent of how intimate i get with a relationship. (that's not necessarily true, although i do feel more comfortable typing things out here rather than talking to most people. but even so, i hardly share too much). i'm more comfortable here than most instances. in fact, i think about existing as a blog. what if this was me? a little reminiscent of the movie Her. but instead i'd be a blog. i'd have thoughts and feelings and i'd document them here, and you'd be here (hopefully), keeping up with the nonsense that is figuratively my mind. and figuratively, i'd still have my personality as i have it now except i wouldn't have to physically type this out. i'd be like the internet. or literally live within the internet. but if i lived within the internet, i suppose i wouldn't have all the troubles that i have now as a human being. or maybe i'd have more troubles because human beings are ten times more insufferable, irritating, infuriating, and annoying on the internet. i, as an internet existence, would have to deal with that shit. my mind is wandering, reader. i don't beg you to pardon me, but if you're still reading, well keep at it.
it's been nearly an hour since i started this entry. i listened to my mother's footsteps upstairs as she got ready for work. i listened to her footsteps downstairs as she got ready to leave. i listened to the garage door groan open, and i listened to the heavy sound of a bowling ball exiting our garage the moment my mother opened it. then i watched carefully through my blinds as the bowling ball rolled to the middle of the street and back down in the gutter. i watched my mother back the car out of the garage. i watched her notice an unusual object in her rear view mirror. i watched her slowly creep to the object and i watched her identify the said object. i wondered whether or not she was going to step out of her vehicle to retrieve it. after a few moments of her evident deliberation, she continued backing out of the drive way and driving forward down the street. when her car was gone, i considered going outside and retrieving the ball myself, but instead i continued typing here my thoughts on existing as my blog. then upstairs i heard my father's footsteps shuffling down the stairs. i heard him open our front door, then i watched carefully through my blinds to see my father retrieving the bowling ball himself. examining it as he walked back inside the house. i listened to him reinstate the ball to its original place in this house. i figured my mother gave him a call to notify him of the ball's morning adventure because she was running too late to handle that herself. i also figured my father assured the ball a better position so to avoid that incident in the future. then i listened to him shuffle back up the stairs and into their room. now it's quiet again, except for the birds' interval morning chirping. now i hear my brother waking up for school. this is when i'll stop listening. because if i keep going, i'll end up typing every single thing that happens in this house until i pass out. i don't want to do that. i don't want to bore you. although i doubt i haven't been boring you with these anticlimactic narrations. if you made it pass this particular paragraph, then you're doing your job as a reader. i'll remember to give you a cookie.
my eyes are finally drooping. it's seven something now, and i think i'll try and sleep. or i'll sign off stating that i'll try and sleep, but i have ten on it that once i'm done here, i'll lurk the internet in some other way. besides, my mind is still racing. it's a slow race, but it's going. also, this has officially been one of the longest entries i'd ever done and i really do doubt anyone made it this far. or if any of you even bothered. this is a longer read and this is very costly of your valuable time. i don't mean to waste your valuable time, but you made this decision. no hands were coerced here. you are my reader, but don't worry, i'll try not to let this happen again. this has been strange. this has been new to me. i feel as if my blog and i have reached a whole new level. i also feel as if you and i have reached a whole new level. this was interesting. catch me bitching on the next entry. you did excellent.
ps. i hope you didn't think i'd really let you off like that.
eat a dick.
