for years, i obsessed over the beauty of the fucking thing. i would run outside of my house just so i could break my neck staring up. my heart would expand and everything around me would mean something wondrous. i'd tell a lover to look out their window and witness what i was witnessing. for years, the moon was this cosmic shrine of my hopes and dreams and sentiments and amazement. i had never imagined myself to feel otherwise about it.
today, a friend informed me of a total lunar eclipse that will occur tonight, around 1245. i have fifteen minutes till then. and still i'm laying here in the dark trying to decide if i want to strain my neck to see. i'm out of cigarettes so i wouldn't have another reason to step outside. then it dawned on me how much i was convincing myself to care. i don't care. i do not give a fuck. thinking of it now, i can't tell if it bothers me or if i'm relieved. it's things like these that remind that i wasn't who i was before. things that meant the world to me then won't mean a thing to me today, or tomorrow. i have severed myself from all the things that stir my emotions. i want nothing to do with world and nothing to do with how bright the moon will be tonight. let me lay here in the dark, face painted with only the glow of my laptop.
i'm not sorry that i no longer care, i just wanted to address it. i also just want to address that while i was deciding whether or not i should try and look at the moon, all i could think of was gravy. and how badly i want gravy. and if i should get myself up off my bed to make some gravy. i don't even have potatoes. i just want gravy. that's the kind of person i am now. the kind of person who values gravy more than the moon.
are you judging me? of course you are, you simpleton prick. you think you're better than me because you worship happiness. well cheers to you, you happiness striving simpleton prick.
