I want to express something. I want to express the fact that I can't express my feelings appropriately. Not to my parents, not to my friends, not on this blog. And sometimes, not even to myself. I find it so strange that I feel everything. I let myself feel every emotion that can possible be evoked by a certain situation, an idea, or by a person. But I cannot verbalize. No, rather I cannot even think of it with out losing myself in this abyss of emotional wreck. It just stays in my head, trapped and tapping to exhaust. And the worst part, I express a different emotion that does not suit the situation or of that I am truly feeling. At least, this is how it feels like.
I am an emotional wreck. At times, I want to remain stoic. I want to be able to deal with a situation with out letting my emotions make the decisions for me. Yesterday, I found myself laying in bed thinking so crucially about something. And through that thinking session, I had changed my mind with every different word that I added on the situation. One little letter or phrase, and the situation alternates into something completely different and I change the way I feel about it, which therefore makes me change my decision. This went on for more than 6 cycles of decision-making. And now that the thought is back, I still do not have a stable choice to follow.
Sometimes I am so stubborn, and so difficult, and so set on what exactly it is that I intend, or that I want. But other times, I am so malleable. I can shape and reshape, write and rewrite, and erase, then clutter. These inconsistencies make me lose the hold I have of myself. And then WHAM, there goes the wreckage of my emotions. You know? I am absolutely difficult to deal with. And as time passes and I age, instead of expressing the wrong emotions, I'm beginning to not express at all. I just let myself feel, and then force with absolute force to forget. I nip it in the bud. And I just proceed on with what ever is at hand.
I think I have always been like this. And I can see those that love me and had loved me have a miserable time dealing with me. I am not about logic. Logical doesn't make any sense to me. I have always been a strong believer in what those that matter personally to you. Yes, you do you, and I do me. But the world does not take that way. In fact, I want to say that the world is more stubborn than I am. I suppose I only say this because I am stubborn. But I KNOW that I must remember to compromise. I could, and I do...gradually. But I think that for me, that's called acceptance.
I am an emotional wreck. At times, I want to remain stoic. I want to be able to deal with a situation with out letting my emotions make the decisions for me. Yesterday, I found myself laying in bed thinking so crucially about something. And through that thinking session, I had changed my mind with every different word that I added on the situation. One little letter or phrase, and the situation alternates into something completely different and I change the way I feel about it, which therefore makes me change my decision. This went on for more than 6 cycles of decision-making. And now that the thought is back, I still do not have a stable choice to follow.
Sometimes I am so stubborn, and so difficult, and so set on what exactly it is that I intend, or that I want. But other times, I am so malleable. I can shape and reshape, write and rewrite, and erase, then clutter. These inconsistencies make me lose the hold I have of myself. And then WHAM, there goes the wreckage of my emotions. You know? I am absolutely difficult to deal with. And as time passes and I age, instead of expressing the wrong emotions, I'm beginning to not express at all. I just let myself feel, and then force with absolute force to forget. I nip it in the bud. And I just proceed on with what ever is at hand.
I think I have always been like this. And I can see those that love me and had loved me have a miserable time dealing with me. I am not about logic. Logical doesn't make any sense to me. I have always been a strong believer in what those that matter personally to you. Yes, you do you, and I do me. But the world does not take that way. In fact, I want to say that the world is more stubborn than I am. I suppose I only say this because I am stubborn. But I KNOW that I must remember to compromise. I could, and I do...gradually. But I think that for me, that's called acceptance.
W.
