this is not me losing my mind.
i am not a frog.
this is not me losing my mind.
this is not about me.
or you.
the end goal is to go through an entire day with out wanting to kill yourself.
the end goal is for this not to have to be a goal anymore.
this is not me losing my mind.
this is me remembering this.
i shuddered till my muscles turned white and my head ached in a helpless way. i shuddered and my voice quivered and i didn't close my eyes. i shuddered and i sobbed and i said the things i'd always needed to say. i said "i don't know" too much, but i think she understood it. the traffic seemed inappropriate for someone frantic to breathe. "san francisco is not the place to freak out." san francisco exhausted me of what i had left. the alarms wailed and i couldn't close my eyes. i placed my hand on her shoulder till my muscles turned white and my grip ached in a helpless way. i shuddered and i gagged. i shuddered and my voice steadied at the right words. i began to laugh because it was hilarious. i merged my laugh with another sob, wedged in another laughter, and i wasn't sure which one i was actually doing anymore. it was the longest drive home i'd ever needed. it was the longest drive with my hand clutched on her shoulder all the way through. this is not me losing my mind. this is me remembering this. i was very tired and my mind cleared itself in a helpless way. this is not self-pity and this is not self-loathing. this is me remembering this. this is me as someone i could be. this is me not slurring. i talked precisely and certainly and aimlessly. i enunciated every letter with a profound voice. i am not losing my mind. i shuddered and i was honest about what i needed. this is not
me
losing
my
mind.
