if abstained long enough, my body can't hang. just because i've clung on to my alcoholic tendencies, doesn't mean my body has made peace with it. if i binge drink after three days without it, catch me with my head down, dead to the world. swearing or yacking, stumbling through unreality. cigarettes, caffeine, and red meat follow under the same category. all the things that i love to ingest into my person, i have to fight my way through their unforgiving repercussions. the first time i started hooking myself on high doses of caffeine, my gag reflex would start knocking. i get the shakes and the wild eyes. my stomach would flip, and i'd fight the urge not to throw up. (ie. right now. i'd stopped drinking black coffee again for some time now. i just picked up black tea to keep me afloat and even that caffeine intake is overwhelming. in short, i am literally gagging as i compose this entry). the first time i picked up smoking, my nicotine tolerance was so low that smoking before class meant that i'd have to spend at least ten minutes in the parking lot with my head between my knees. the light-headed onslaught of nausea and regret would inhibit me, quite literally, to the ground. i may have actually thrown up a few times. it took my body quite some time to get used to it, but eventually it did. if i take a week off smoking nowadays, it's guaranteed i'll feel the faint warning of light-headedness once i take my next drag. i'm trying my best here with alcohol. god knows i'd been running amok with my shit. (a big thank you and fuck you to san francisco, as always, for prying my eyes open the morning after every wreckage). i am not making a sweeping declaration. beercules will not make vows. I AM TRYING, FOR THE LOVE OF P...nevermind. in summation, goddamnit, i'd been realizing lately, with this very clear state of mind, that i had forgotten how alright i am with not being chemically tampered or altered. my reliance relies on none of all my vices. i was julius caesar once. i am julius caesar always. until you assassinate me.
sick of puking sick of repressing sick of swearing sick of stumbling sick of regretting sick of shamelessness sick of embarrassments sick of me and sick of you
be better than the gap.
