Twice a year maybe, I open up my big box of messy and devastating memories. In that big box of messy and devastating memories contains a token of some sort from almost every person who has been significant in my life. Inside are letters, photographs, yearbooks, tickets, handmade gifts, holiday and birthday cards, and everything else in between. Inside are the rushing memories of my life. And when I opened up that big box of messy and devastating memories tonight, I felt myself sink in this regretful wallowing, almost. Why didn't I love my life like it deserved to be loved? Why didn't I enjoy every minute of it? Why wasn't I always grateful for every little thing? How is it that I had been... so selfish...?
Specifically, tonight targeted one of my most recent regrets. I always find myself looking back on the same mistakes that I made. Not because I haven't let go of them or I haven't forgiven anything. I just take comfort in bettering myself. And with this, I always have to think back on the root of my problems. Like I had previously mentioned, tonight specified to one of my most recent regrets (also referred to as my most recently failed attempt to love somebody and be loved by somebody).
Before this night, I thought in my head that this may be my most deepest regrets. When I thought back on our relationship, I almost cringed every time. Cringed because I made mistakes. Cringed because I chose to be with you for the worst reasons from the beginning. Cringed because I kept telling myself I loved you. Kept telling you that I loved you. Kept telling the world that I loved you. But I never actually fell in love with you. I always cared for you deeply. But I was in love with somebody else. And you were just so good to me. And I couldn't help it. I chose to be selfish. But after reading your old letters and seeing some old photographs, I suddenly remembered how good you were. We weren't right for each other. And our relationship was never promising to begin with. But for a significant person in my life, you sure were quite admirable. Unlike me, you found faith and hope and trust in something so impossible. In me! In us.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to give in to you. I wasn't going to accept your love because I thought I deserved something else. Because I wanted something else. But I made you try and you never hesitated to take the challenge. And I made you think you had a chance to change me, to make me feel as if the two of us together will be enough for me. I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince you. I tried to convince the whole world. But we all know how that ended up. I self-destructed and chose darkness. And after the storm I caused, you found me alone in my room, home early from school because I hated being around everyone, and you asked if I could still be yours. You tried to convince me that you were the one. And that no one else can do what you can. And that no one else will believe in me like you believe in me. After giving everyone hell, you still found me. Sitting on my bed, avoiding your eyes, looking down at my hands, and asked if I could be yours again. I was in disbelief. It was June, our Senior year was ending, and I knew I had the summer to fix everything. I felt seven-feet below dirt telling you no. I saw the disappointment in your eyes, the quiet plea in your voice, the gentle way to persuade me that it'll be us in the end. It killed me inside. It slashed across my chest and I couldn't believe that after ruining what we had, I had the audacity to turn YOU down. But had I said yes for another shot, we would have caused deeper damage than what was already at hand. You know that now, don't you? You resented me after it, didn't you... You cut me out entirely and never spoke to me again. Except for one last graduation picture and I never saw or heard from you again. Nearly a year later and here I am, remembering it all.
Well, excusing my expository digressions, I appreciate you now more than ever. I never gave you credit for the things that you have taught me and the things that I naturally learned from you. I never showed you how good you were.. when in reality, you are one of the most admirable people I have ever met. You will never read this, but the day I find enough courage to face you again, I'll remind you how good you were to me. I will. I'll speak to you with conviction and sincerity, the way you always deserved to be spoken to.
You really were a good one.
Specifically, tonight targeted one of my most recent regrets. I always find myself looking back on the same mistakes that I made. Not because I haven't let go of them or I haven't forgiven anything. I just take comfort in bettering myself. And with this, I always have to think back on the root of my problems. Like I had previously mentioned, tonight specified to one of my most recent regrets (also referred to as my most recently failed attempt to love somebody and be loved by somebody).
Before this night, I thought in my head that this may be my most deepest regrets. When I thought back on our relationship, I almost cringed every time. Cringed because I made mistakes. Cringed because I chose to be with you for the worst reasons from the beginning. Cringed because I kept telling myself I loved you. Kept telling you that I loved you. Kept telling the world that I loved you. But I never actually fell in love with you. I always cared for you deeply. But I was in love with somebody else. And you were just so good to me. And I couldn't help it. I chose to be selfish. But after reading your old letters and seeing some old photographs, I suddenly remembered how good you were. We weren't right for each other. And our relationship was never promising to begin with. But for a significant person in my life, you sure were quite admirable. Unlike me, you found faith and hope and trust in something so impossible. In me! In us.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to give in to you. I wasn't going to accept your love because I thought I deserved something else. Because I wanted something else. But I made you try and you never hesitated to take the challenge. And I made you think you had a chance to change me, to make me feel as if the two of us together will be enough for me. I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince you. I tried to convince the whole world. But we all know how that ended up. I self-destructed and chose darkness. And after the storm I caused, you found me alone in my room, home early from school because I hated being around everyone, and you asked if I could still be yours. You tried to convince me that you were the one. And that no one else can do what you can. And that no one else will believe in me like you believe in me. After giving everyone hell, you still found me. Sitting on my bed, avoiding your eyes, looking down at my hands, and asked if I could be yours again. I was in disbelief. It was June, our Senior year was ending, and I knew I had the summer to fix everything. I felt seven-feet below dirt telling you no. I saw the disappointment in your eyes, the quiet plea in your voice, the gentle way to persuade me that it'll be us in the end. It killed me inside. It slashed across my chest and I couldn't believe that after ruining what we had, I had the audacity to turn YOU down. But had I said yes for another shot, we would have caused deeper damage than what was already at hand. You know that now, don't you? You resented me after it, didn't you... You cut me out entirely and never spoke to me again. Except for one last graduation picture and I never saw or heard from you again. Nearly a year later and here I am, remembering it all.
Well, excusing my expository digressions, I appreciate you now more than ever. I never gave you credit for the things that you have taught me and the things that I naturally learned from you. I never showed you how good you were.. when in reality, you are one of the most admirable people I have ever met. You will never read this, but the day I find enough courage to face you again, I'll remind you how good you were to me. I will. I'll speak to you with conviction and sincerity, the way you always deserved to be spoken to.
You really were a good one.
