I have solid memories of my freshman year, my sophomore year, and my junior year. But I don't remember senior year. At all. I don't remember being there. I don't remember being with my friends. I don't remember learning anything, experiencing or participating to anything related to school. I don't remember struggling to wake up in the morning. I don't remember the car rides to school. I don't remember being in class. I don't remember going on breaks or lunch time. I don't remember my after school activities. I don't remember dating some guy for 10 supposed months. I don't remember spending the nights doing homework or even wasting time away online. I don't remember falling asleep, thinking I have school the next day. I don't remember being excited for Fridays or doing anything during the weekends at all. I don't remember friends. I don't remember so many things. It's as if I didn't exist that year at all. It's strange to me, especially when I see photos of myself from that year. If those photos didn't exist, I would have no recollection of those memories.
In senior year, I just remember fucking up. I remember convincing myself that I loved some guy in order prove the world that I'm alright. I remember loving this girl who drove me insane beyond words. I remember rainy days and lonely nights. I remember going home from where ever and feeling the weight of everything on my shoulders. I remember neglecting my family. I remember being the most selfish I could ever be. I remember ruining a few friendships and neglecting several. I remember feeling as if I didn't possess a single recognition of who I thought I was. I pretended to be so many things just to make myself feel better. I pretended to be happy. I pretended to be in love with the wrong person. I pretended to be strong. I pretended to know exactly who I was and what I was doing. I remember flying, falling, then crashing and burning. I remember falling apart all the time. All the things I remember have no hints of happiness. All the things I remember were all the things that had me on my knees, scraping myself off the ground, and pick myself back up to something better. Some better version of myself. And since I've said goodbye to the worst of myself, I don't remember what had happened.
Every now and then, I would find myself having flashbacks of things that happened that year. But they're usually the really bad memories, or memories that hurt to think about. Other than that, it is as if I didn't exist that year at all...
It kills me sometimes. Was I...really there?
