I tried my first work of art on her.
This one is a portrait of myself.
And this is a portrait of her.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Losing Track of Time
It is amazing how our simple and seemingly innocent meeting led us to where we are now. You were just the friend of a friend who kept waving and smiling at me when I walked through that door. You were just another guy.
But now I catch myself looking at you and thinking how you amaze me. Just looking at you captivates me. Your very presence takes a hold of my entire head and makes sense of all things I question. This is how I knew that you weren't just another guy. When even the thought of you can keep me from my own downfalls. You anchor me but you make my head swim. Being with you has changed me unequivocally and I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and all I see when I close my eyes are all things that connect to you. My every day life consists of you. Even things that aren't meant to have any connection with you will find its way to you. Movies that I watch. Music that I listen to. Books that I read. Phrases. Quotes. Movements. Gestures. The smallest things always bring me to you. I think so highly of you with my utmost sincerity. I adore you, it consumes me. You have brought so much beauty in my life that I do not even know how I could show you how grateful I am. I do not even know if I can ever make you feel the same in return. But I try every day. And I have never been so determined to make someone so unbelievably happy.
You've changed me. I like myself when I'm with you. You are contagious. Your selflessness and kindness and thoughtfulness and patience and humor and happy disposition and sweetness are absorbed under my skin and my insides flutter because I can feel these tangible changes. You bring out all the good things about me. Actually, you bring out all the good things about people around you. God, how is it that you are this beautiful to me? It's agonizing to be near someone like you at all times. I look up to you. I admire you. I adore every single thing about you. The good things. The sweet things. The weird things. The bad things. The irritating things. The sad things. Even our darkest of days, I cherish them because they're with you.
I feel a lump in my throat and a swelling in my chest. I was going to make this a letter, as I always do. But I just want the world to know what you mean to me. I have to share and show off how amazing I find you. The world has to know.
And one day, you are going to be mine. I'm certain of it. It's you.
But now I catch myself looking at you and thinking how you amaze me. Just looking at you captivates me. Your very presence takes a hold of my entire head and makes sense of all things I question. This is how I knew that you weren't just another guy. When even the thought of you can keep me from my own downfalls. You anchor me but you make my head swim. Being with you has changed me unequivocally and I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and all I see when I close my eyes are all things that connect to you. My every day life consists of you. Even things that aren't meant to have any connection with you will find its way to you. Movies that I watch. Music that I listen to. Books that I read. Phrases. Quotes. Movements. Gestures. The smallest things always bring me to you. I think so highly of you with my utmost sincerity. I adore you, it consumes me. You have brought so much beauty in my life that I do not even know how I could show you how grateful I am. I do not even know if I can ever make you feel the same in return. But I try every day. And I have never been so determined to make someone so unbelievably happy.
You've changed me. I like myself when I'm with you. You are contagious. Your selflessness and kindness and thoughtfulness and patience and humor and happy disposition and sweetness are absorbed under my skin and my insides flutter because I can feel these tangible changes. You bring out all the good things about me. Actually, you bring out all the good things about people around you. God, how is it that you are this beautiful to me? It's agonizing to be near someone like you at all times. I look up to you. I admire you. I adore every single thing about you. The good things. The sweet things. The weird things. The bad things. The irritating things. The sad things. Even our darkest of days, I cherish them because they're with you.
I feel a lump in my throat and a swelling in my chest. I was going to make this a letter, as I always do. But I just want the world to know what you mean to me. I have to share and show off how amazing I find you. The world has to know.
And one day, you are going to be mine. I'm certain of it. It's you.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
You really were a good one
Twice a year maybe, I open up my big box of messy and devastating memories. In that big box of messy and devastating memories contains a token of some sort from almost every person who has been significant in my life. Inside are letters, photographs, yearbooks, tickets, handmade gifts, holiday and birthday cards, and everything else in between. Inside are the rushing memories of my life. And when I opened up that big box of messy and devastating memories tonight, I felt myself sink in this regretful wallowing, almost. Why didn't I love my life like it deserved to be loved? Why didn't I enjoy every minute of it? Why wasn't I always grateful for every little thing? How is it that I had been... so selfish...?
Specifically, tonight targeted one of my most recent regrets. I always find myself looking back on the same mistakes that I made. Not because I haven't let go of them or I haven't forgiven anything. I just take comfort in bettering myself. And with this, I always have to think back on the root of my problems. Like I had previously mentioned, tonight specified to one of my most recent regrets (also referred to as my most recently failed attempt to love somebody and be loved by somebody).
Before this night, I thought in my head that this may be my most deepest regrets. When I thought back on our relationship, I almost cringed every time. Cringed because I made mistakes. Cringed because I chose to be with you for the worst reasons from the beginning. Cringed because I kept telling myself I loved you. Kept telling you that I loved you. Kept telling the world that I loved you. But I never actually fell in love with you. I always cared for you deeply. But I was in love with somebody else. And you were just so good to me. And I couldn't help it. I chose to be selfish. But after reading your old letters and seeing some old photographs, I suddenly remembered how good you were. We weren't right for each other. And our relationship was never promising to begin with. But for a significant person in my life, you sure were quite admirable. Unlike me, you found faith and hope and trust in something so impossible. In me! In us.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to give in to you. I wasn't going to accept your love because I thought I deserved something else. Because I wanted something else. But I made you try and you never hesitated to take the challenge. And I made you think you had a chance to change me, to make me feel as if the two of us together will be enough for me. I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince you. I tried to convince the whole world. But we all know how that ended up. I self-destructed and chose darkness. And after the storm I caused, you found me alone in my room, home early from school because I hated being around everyone, and you asked if I could still be yours. You tried to convince me that you were the one. And that no one else can do what you can. And that no one else will believe in me like you believe in me. After giving everyone hell, you still found me. Sitting on my bed, avoiding your eyes, looking down at my hands, and asked if I could be yours again. I was in disbelief. It was June, our Senior year was ending, and I knew I had the summer to fix everything. I felt seven-feet below dirt telling you no. I saw the disappointment in your eyes, the quiet plea in your voice, the gentle way to persuade me that it'll be us in the end. It killed me inside. It slashed across my chest and I couldn't believe that after ruining what we had, I had the audacity to turn YOU down. But had I said yes for another shot, we would have caused deeper damage than what was already at hand. You know that now, don't you? You resented me after it, didn't you... You cut me out entirely and never spoke to me again. Except for one last graduation picture and I never saw or heard from you again. Nearly a year later and here I am, remembering it all.
Well, excusing my expository digressions, I appreciate you now more than ever. I never gave you credit for the things that you have taught me and the things that I naturally learned from you. I never showed you how good you were.. when in reality, you are one of the most admirable people I have ever met. You will never read this, but the day I find enough courage to face you again, I'll remind you how good you were to me. I will. I'll speak to you with conviction and sincerity, the way you always deserved to be spoken to.
You really were a good one.
Specifically, tonight targeted one of my most recent regrets. I always find myself looking back on the same mistakes that I made. Not because I haven't let go of them or I haven't forgiven anything. I just take comfort in bettering myself. And with this, I always have to think back on the root of my problems. Like I had previously mentioned, tonight specified to one of my most recent regrets (also referred to as my most recently failed attempt to love somebody and be loved by somebody).
Before this night, I thought in my head that this may be my most deepest regrets. When I thought back on our relationship, I almost cringed every time. Cringed because I made mistakes. Cringed because I chose to be with you for the worst reasons from the beginning. Cringed because I kept telling myself I loved you. Kept telling you that I loved you. Kept telling the world that I loved you. But I never actually fell in love with you. I always cared for you deeply. But I was in love with somebody else. And you were just so good to me. And I couldn't help it. I chose to be selfish. But after reading your old letters and seeing some old photographs, I suddenly remembered how good you were. We weren't right for each other. And our relationship was never promising to begin with. But for a significant person in my life, you sure were quite admirable. Unlike me, you found faith and hope and trust in something so impossible. In me! In us.
I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to give in to you. I wasn't going to accept your love because I thought I deserved something else. Because I wanted something else. But I made you try and you never hesitated to take the challenge. And I made you think you had a chance to change me, to make me feel as if the two of us together will be enough for me. I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince you. I tried to convince the whole world. But we all know how that ended up. I self-destructed and chose darkness. And after the storm I caused, you found me alone in my room, home early from school because I hated being around everyone, and you asked if I could still be yours. You tried to convince me that you were the one. And that no one else can do what you can. And that no one else will believe in me like you believe in me. After giving everyone hell, you still found me. Sitting on my bed, avoiding your eyes, looking down at my hands, and asked if I could be yours again. I was in disbelief. It was June, our Senior year was ending, and I knew I had the summer to fix everything. I felt seven-feet below dirt telling you no. I saw the disappointment in your eyes, the quiet plea in your voice, the gentle way to persuade me that it'll be us in the end. It killed me inside. It slashed across my chest and I couldn't believe that after ruining what we had, I had the audacity to turn YOU down. But had I said yes for another shot, we would have caused deeper damage than what was already at hand. You know that now, don't you? You resented me after it, didn't you... You cut me out entirely and never spoke to me again. Except for one last graduation picture and I never saw or heard from you again. Nearly a year later and here I am, remembering it all.
Well, excusing my expository digressions, I appreciate you now more than ever. I never gave you credit for the things that you have taught me and the things that I naturally learned from you. I never showed you how good you were.. when in reality, you are one of the most admirable people I have ever met. You will never read this, but the day I find enough courage to face you again, I'll remind you how good you were to me. I will. I'll speak to you with conviction and sincerity, the way you always deserved to be spoken to.
You really were a good one.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Jayson Jackson
Dear Jase,
Even if we never see each other anymore, I never doubt that you will always be one of the best friends I have. For as long as I have known you, you have been dependable and reliable and considerate and thoughtful and you never fail to amaze me with your incredibly big heart. I don't think I have ever thanked you for what you have done for me, but you should know that I am beyond words grateful for you. I do not know how much worse my senior year would have been if you weren't there keeping both my feet on the ground and making sure that I'm alright. I always appreciated your tendency of never judging the things that I do and the mistakes that I make. You just listen to my ridiculous shit and reassure me that everything will be OK. When I think back on my messy and cloudy senior year, the happy memories that stand out to me include you in it. From simply taking me out during lunch and weekends to having our long conversations about relationships and girls. I always had the best time with you.
Aha, and I'm sorry for being yesterday's inconvenience. I really preferred that everyone just went without me because my schedule was a burden. But I love you for coming to my house in the morning and waking me up and refusing to accept my refusal to go just to tell me that I HAVE to go. Just for you. "We can't go with out you." I don't know why, but it warmed my stone cold heart when you and Ace went so out of the way just to make it work. Even on your birthday you're more concerned about me!
Happy birthday Jase. I love you so so so much!
Aha, and I'm sorry for being yesterday's inconvenience. I really preferred that everyone just went without me because my schedule was a burden. But I love you for coming to my house in the morning and waking me up and refusing to accept my refusal to go just to tell me that I HAVE to go. Just for you. "We can't go with out you." I don't know why, but it warmed my stone cold heart when you and Ace went so out of the way just to make it work. Even on your birthday you're more concerned about me!
Happy birthday Jase. I love you so so so much!
Oh Cheb (':
Dear Chebby,
You're the best bestfriend that Vaggy will ever ever have. I love you. I love you I love you I love you lots!
Dear Whis Cries,
You're ugly.
Dear Whis Cries,
You're ugly.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Goodbye favorite sunglasses~
NO IT'S OK ACE, YOU CAN THROW MY SUNGLASSES IN THE OCEAN. NO BIG DEAL. JUST CRUSH MY HEART. NBD MAN.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Pasalubong
Ace and I's bro keychains
Macadamia isn't considered a word on Facebook.
Keychains, keychains.
Assumed Apathy
In the silent commotion that this has been assumed to be, I had been caught completely off guard. The heat rises in my body and I try to find the right words to describe. But there are no right words. They are all wrong. If I had chosen the wrong words, I still claim them.
I don't know. I'll be at my cave.
I don't know. I'll be at my cave.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
7:12am, where is my sleep?
I'm getting worse and worse. Nothing works. What is it to have a normal sleeping schedule? Sleep by 11, awake by 8. How's that feel? Do the birds sound better when you slept the night before? My mind swims in the deep of ocean of my filthy, sad, amusing, unsettling, haunting, and restless thoughts. No matter how exhausted I am and how many exhausting things I do through out the day, my body cannot sleep at night. I feel like the Machinist. I AM the Machinist.
An entire year with out sleep. The Machinist (a film I recommend, by the way).
An entire year with out sleep. The Machinist (a film I recommend, by the way).
I don't remember being a senior in high school.
I have solid memories of my freshman year, my sophomore year, and my junior year. But I don't remember senior year. At all. I don't remember being there. I don't remember being with my friends. I don't remember learning anything, experiencing or participating to anything related to school. I don't remember struggling to wake up in the morning. I don't remember the car rides to school. I don't remember being in class. I don't remember going on breaks or lunch time. I don't remember my after school activities. I don't remember dating some guy for 10 supposed months. I don't remember spending the nights doing homework or even wasting time away online. I don't remember falling asleep, thinking I have school the next day. I don't remember being excited for Fridays or doing anything during the weekends at all. I don't remember friends. I don't remember so many things. It's as if I didn't exist that year at all. It's strange to me, especially when I see photos of myself from that year. If those photos didn't exist, I would have no recollection of those memories.
In senior year, I just remember fucking up. I remember convincing myself that I loved some guy in order prove the world that I'm alright. I remember loving this girl who drove me insane beyond words. I remember rainy days and lonely nights. I remember going home from where ever and feeling the weight of everything on my shoulders. I remember neglecting my family. I remember being the most selfish I could ever be. I remember ruining a few friendships and neglecting several. I remember feeling as if I didn't possess a single recognition of who I thought I was. I pretended to be so many things just to make myself feel better. I pretended to be happy. I pretended to be in love with the wrong person. I pretended to be strong. I pretended to know exactly who I was and what I was doing. I remember flying, falling, then crashing and burning. I remember falling apart all the time. All the things I remember have no hints of happiness. All the things I remember were all the things that had me on my knees, scraping myself off the ground, and pick myself back up to something better. Some better version of myself. And since I've said goodbye to the worst of myself, I don't remember what had happened.
Every now and then, I would find myself having flashbacks of things that happened that year. But they're usually the really bad memories, or memories that hurt to think about. Other than that, it is as if I didn't exist that year at all...
It kills me sometimes. Was I...really there?
"You're constantly updating your hit parade of your ten biggest wanks"
Sleepless after hours in my cave, every night.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Misanthropy
That overstatement is just the result of my unbearable irritation towards human interaction lately. I can't exactly put a finger on this, I just know that my "mood" is currently selective and I am fully aware of being a cunt, but I can't help it. Sometimes, it feels good to be a cunt. Sometimes, you have to be a fucking cunt.
It's not that I am unhappy or discontent. Which really isn't the case at all. In fact, today I found myself overwhelmed with the most unexpected joys that my life offers me. But there are those certain aspects of life that creep their way into my consciousness. And I realize it, more often than not, especially when I am around... people. Anywhere really. In class. In parking lots. In grocery stores. As long as there are people... talking or breathing next to one another, I rather become irritated. It's almost frustrating myself because it's not like I'm choosing to be so irritable. It just shines over me. Solitude has been much better for me, with the very, very rare exceptions of company.
To narrow this down: Sometimes I just can't stand listening to the things that people say. It's these arguments that really grind my gears. Whenever I hear a pointless argument, a debate in which voices must rise and tones must heat up, I very well find myself getting quieter and feeling as if my brain will hop out of the cavity in my skull and jump off the nearest cliff that this state has to offer. I detest it. Everyone has got a fucking opinion. It's nice to be quite talkative and conversational sometimes, but there are times when it is best to keep your dripping mouth shut. Sometimes, it is best to keep that disagreeing response to yourself and let go of it before it leads to another useless and counterproductive salivating dispute. For fuck's sake, is it such a difficult concept to understand that not all opinions should be shared? Not everyone wants to hear every single little detail running through your mind. And fuck who ever told you that it's alright to say whatever you please. Freedom of speech does not advocate stupidity, I assure this. Unfortunately, the concept of freedom of speech has made those who can't grasp a fucking filter, stupider and stupider by every statement made.
With this, I realized why I find myself so quiet at times with some discussions. If I lack information about a certain topic, I try to keep my statements to a minimal or say nothing at all in hopes not to seem stupid. If I know enough information about a certain topic, I try to keep my statements too embellished. In other words, I just state exactly what I know. If I know a certain topic really well and disagree with someone about that certain topic, I try to state my perspective and make it clear that it is, as it is, MY perspective. If I know a certain topic really well and the person that disagrees also knows the topic really well, generally, the argument concludes and finds some resolution of "agreeing to disagree." (Unless of course that the well-informed person is just a cunt and isn't willing to realize that they can't change the person's perspective. And continues on to an endless and futile exchange of words. This happens more often.) Otherwise, these are the arguments worth arguing for. I have noticed that people do not usually go about the same with conversations as I do. Which is why I find myself in the middle of people arguing over their sides as if they are hanging on for dear life while I'm sitting there or standing perhaps, shaking my head or maybe even rolling my eyes and casually saying in the words of Raemon, "I'll stay out of this one." (Raemon, by the way, is the perfect person to argue with).
In short, people are irritating. Sometimes, people argue. Sometimes, people argue and sound really stupid. Since people are irriating and sometimes argue to sound stupid, I conclude with either acquire a filter and a semblance of intelligence or SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm sure everyone has been prime suspect for sounding stupid, including myself. But isn't it best to try and avoid that as best as possible? No? I just loathe the screaming and talking over one another, the shrillness of useless words. It has a certain sound that make my ears bleed.
This rant was brought to you by ...people. The scattering of arguing and slobbering people that brought me all that this rant brought to you. Thank you and good night America.
It's not that I am unhappy or discontent. Which really isn't the case at all. In fact, today I found myself overwhelmed with the most unexpected joys that my life offers me. But there are those certain aspects of life that creep their way into my consciousness. And I realize it, more often than not, especially when I am around... people. Anywhere really. In class. In parking lots. In grocery stores. As long as there are people... talking or breathing next to one another, I rather become irritated. It's almost frustrating myself because it's not like I'm choosing to be so irritable. It just shines over me. Solitude has been much better for me, with the very, very rare exceptions of company.
To narrow this down: Sometimes I just can't stand listening to the things that people say. It's these arguments that really grind my gears. Whenever I hear a pointless argument, a debate in which voices must rise and tones must heat up, I very well find myself getting quieter and feeling as if my brain will hop out of the cavity in my skull and jump off the nearest cliff that this state has to offer. I detest it. Everyone has got a fucking opinion. It's nice to be quite talkative and conversational sometimes, but there are times when it is best to keep your dripping mouth shut. Sometimes, it is best to keep that disagreeing response to yourself and let go of it before it leads to another useless and counterproductive salivating dispute. For fuck's sake, is it such a difficult concept to understand that not all opinions should be shared? Not everyone wants to hear every single little detail running through your mind. And fuck who ever told you that it's alright to say whatever you please. Freedom of speech does not advocate stupidity, I assure this. Unfortunately, the concept of freedom of speech has made those who can't grasp a fucking filter, stupider and stupider by every statement made.
With this, I realized why I find myself so quiet at times with some discussions. If I lack information about a certain topic, I try to keep my statements to a minimal or say nothing at all in hopes not to seem stupid. If I know enough information about a certain topic, I try to keep my statements too embellished. In other words, I just state exactly what I know. If I know a certain topic really well and disagree with someone about that certain topic, I try to state my perspective and make it clear that it is, as it is, MY perspective. If I know a certain topic really well and the person that disagrees also knows the topic really well, generally, the argument concludes and finds some resolution of "agreeing to disagree." (Unless of course that the well-informed person is just a cunt and isn't willing to realize that they can't change the person's perspective. And continues on to an endless and futile exchange of words. This happens more often.) Otherwise, these are the arguments worth arguing for. I have noticed that people do not usually go about the same with conversations as I do. Which is why I find myself in the middle of people arguing over their sides as if they are hanging on for dear life while I'm sitting there or standing perhaps, shaking my head or maybe even rolling my eyes and casually saying in the words of Raemon, "I'll stay out of this one." (Raemon, by the way, is the perfect person to argue with).
In short, people are irritating. Sometimes, people argue. Sometimes, people argue and sound really stupid. Since people are irriating and sometimes argue to sound stupid, I conclude with either acquire a filter and a semblance of intelligence or SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm sure everyone has been prime suspect for sounding stupid, including myself. But isn't it best to try and avoid that as best as possible? No? I just loathe the screaming and talking over one another, the shrillness of useless words. It has a certain sound that make my ears bleed.
This rant was brought to you by ...people. The scattering of arguing and slobbering people that brought me all that this rant brought to you. Thank you and good night America.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
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