I can barely remember the brief and good moments I have with my brother. I can remember short shopping trips with my family, random dinners out during the week nights, short and civil conversations that never last. But without those, all we have are the worthless and helpless resenting arguments and bickering. I am supposed to love Blithe and I'm sure I do but I cannot help but really hate him. I ran out of patience and any form of compromise to even have a relationship with him. Sometimes I catch myself just thinking of ways of trying to better him, trying to better myself being around him. And I think of enforcing those ideas in my head, but once he's actually around me, I just fucking lose. Every time. I would love to list all the things I resent about my brother but I can't help but turn this around on me. What if it's just me? There are evidences that I can't be the cause of our growing resentment for each other because my sister and I share the same exact feeling. But what if I just fed her that? What if she just follow my footsteps with that just like she did for everything else? And considering my relationships with the rest of my family, I seem like the proper culprit for the godawful messes in this house. Excluding my sister, I am distant with the rest of them. My mom, my dad, even my grandma. My mom resents me for just such a fucking cow of a disappointment. They are predisposed to believing that I will live up to nothing. And that's why they've already made big investments on my sister's future. My dad is just as disappointed. He's quieter about it. His body language do not suggest anything. But I know it. I'll always know it.
The communication in this house are ruins. No one really talks until it's beyond the worst. The last time we had a semblance of a good talk was 2 Decembers ago when I decided to leave my house with out telling anyone and not come back until a few days later. That may be one of the hardest talks I have ever had. I remember sitting on their computer chair fighting for breath over my cries and heaving and wheezing to get my words out. I was a fucking mess trying to tell them what was wrong with me. I think the reason why I have always refused to tell my parents a single thing about me is because... I want them so badly to ask. And you know, maybe they do ask in their own subtle way. And maybe I'm just too stubborn to notice it after all these years. Our relationship has the tangibility of disappointment hanging between us. Every day I grow one step further away from them. And neither of us are doing anything to stop it. We just say a few things about each other behind each others' backs and move on once the sting of it blows over.
I just reread what I had composed so far and of course Blithe would lead me to my parents. I don't want to disappoint any of them any further but I don't know how to make my first step of not doing that anymore. I have been their disappoint since I was young. I don't even remember when it began. So how can I go back and change that now? I always think that it gets better through the years. But I think we're just getting quieter and we're just getting farther away. And I don't have a fucking clue how to fix any of it. I just know that I have to stop being the fucking disappointment of this house. Either that or I start making future plans of just leaving everyone behind and be my own disappointment.
