I'd like to continue defending myself because everything I read just ends up hurting me when I know that I'm not this awful person that I am now perceived to be. I'll try and make this my second and my last response.
There is nothing I will say to try to change anyone's mind for arguments sakes. Because... we're not even in each others lives anymore. This is just another excuse to keep us and whatever is left of us. We always do this. I've made my decisions and I stand by it all. But I promise you, I did not shut you out. And at the end of my days, I find myself wanting so badly for us to just understand each other. Because once again, I would fight for our friendship like I have been for years and years, even if I wasn't always so graceful about it. And as much as it hurts my pride to say this, I would do anything to make you change your mind about me. I never cared about anyone who talked about me. No one. Because I know who I am, and despite the things that I have done and things that people have said about me, you were always the person who saw the best in me. Always. That's why every single time you'd come back to me, it was the happiest times of my life. I don't even care that these blogs are all we have now. I don't even care that we are arguing about something that we both claim to have let go of. I guess to admit, I can't let go of this. Not yet. Not now. Not until I decide that I don't care about you anymore. Because... how am I ever going to erase the fact that you were the only person I ever really loved. It kills me. It's been 5 years... and though we have tainted our friendship in so many ways, so many times, I cannot help but forgive it all. Everything. No matter what happened, I will always forgive it. Maybe you'll never change your mind about me. Maybe you'll never see the person you always saw me to be... but maybe this is it. Maybe this is our way out. Maybe this is what we were always looking for when we both knew we should not be together. Do you remember how many goodbyes we sputtered? How many painfully long silences we shared , hoping these aches would just let us be? How many times we wanted to stop caring... or pretend to stop caring? We've fought for so long... and we always just ended up further hurting each other. Maybe you won't ever forgive me for the things that have happened... But maybe it's better off this way anyway. Because if you forgive it, only time will tell us how fast we'll come back to each other. But if we hold on to this one, just this one, maybe it'll be enough to just stay apart. Our worlds never could handle us together at the same time anyway. But then again... this could just be another story to add on to the rest of our stories. What if we get passed this one too? We've gotten passed four years worth of shit, absolute shit. But also four years of the best things I'll remember when I'm old. Four years of lessons. Four years of being as beautiful as humanly possible. Four years of searing tears. And four years of the happiness we always wanted. Are we ever going to be ready for that again?
I don't know where to stand Aiza. We're one step away from letting this go, and moving completely on with our lives. Clean cut. But I could be one step away from trying to find you and fixing every single thing I need to fix for the sake of you. I'm too tired and I'm too sorry to try and figure this out anymore. I don't even have enough in me to be angry, or resent. I... I don't know anymore.
I love you, and I miss you. What else is there to say?
Far More - The Honorary Title.
There is nothing I will say to try to change anyone's mind for arguments sakes. Because... we're not even in each others lives anymore. This is just another excuse to keep us and whatever is left of us. We always do this. I've made my decisions and I stand by it all. But I promise you, I did not shut you out. And at the end of my days, I find myself wanting so badly for us to just understand each other. Because once again, I would fight for our friendship like I have been for years and years, even if I wasn't always so graceful about it. And as much as it hurts my pride to say this, I would do anything to make you change your mind about me. I never cared about anyone who talked about me. No one. Because I know who I am, and despite the things that I have done and things that people have said about me, you were always the person who saw the best in me. Always. That's why every single time you'd come back to me, it was the happiest times of my life. I don't even care that these blogs are all we have now. I don't even care that we are arguing about something that we both claim to have let go of. I guess to admit, I can't let go of this. Not yet. Not now. Not until I decide that I don't care about you anymore. Because... how am I ever going to erase the fact that you were the only person I ever really loved. It kills me. It's been 5 years... and though we have tainted our friendship in so many ways, so many times, I cannot help but forgive it all. Everything. No matter what happened, I will always forgive it. Maybe you'll never change your mind about me. Maybe you'll never see the person you always saw me to be... but maybe this is it. Maybe this is our way out. Maybe this is what we were always looking for when we both knew we should not be together. Do you remember how many goodbyes we sputtered? How many painfully long silences we shared , hoping these aches would just let us be? How many times we wanted to stop caring... or pretend to stop caring? We've fought for so long... and we always just ended up further hurting each other. Maybe you won't ever forgive me for the things that have happened... But maybe it's better off this way anyway. Because if you forgive it, only time will tell us how fast we'll come back to each other. But if we hold on to this one, just this one, maybe it'll be enough to just stay apart. Our worlds never could handle us together at the same time anyway. But then again... this could just be another story to add on to the rest of our stories. What if we get passed this one too? We've gotten passed four years worth of shit, absolute shit. But also four years of the best things I'll remember when I'm old. Four years of lessons. Four years of being as beautiful as humanly possible. Four years of searing tears. And four years of the happiness we always wanted. Are we ever going to be ready for that again?
I don't know where to stand Aiza. We're one step away from letting this go, and moving completely on with our lives. Clean cut. But I could be one step away from trying to find you and fixing every single thing I need to fix for the sake of you. I'm too tired and I'm too sorry to try and figure this out anymore. I don't even have enough in me to be angry, or resent. I... I don't know anymore.
I love you, and I miss you. What else is there to say?
Far More - The Honorary Title.
