In the past 24-hours, I spent my time sleeping. Yesterday, I had the dullest Friday anyone can ever have. Fox slept, my parents left, RV left, I watched Blithe. I didn't get to call Ian, I didn't text anyone. After I got sick of sleeping, I drowned myself in internet fascination.

And speaking of which, I'd found my Fox on fuckyearprettygirls.tumblr, and I flabbergasted like a retard. I had two thoughts in mind. Either she submitted herself with out telling me, which even in theory sounds far-fetched because she wouldn't just submitted herself with or with out telling me. The other thought was that she doesn't know any more than I do, and then once she wakes up and sees the picture, she'll shit bricks too but will be so flattered.

SO, she called around 8. saw the picture, and well... she shat bricks. And also, she was flattered, And on top of that, she was creeped out as to how they found the picture because her site is private and there was no way a bunch of strangers would find it, and post it, with out her knowing. We also had a theory that Ace submitted it. But that's so highly unlikely.

Well, she's great anyway. Don't you think she's just the most beautiful girl? I'm honored to be in her presence, so that she can grace me with her being amazing. I just lol'd at that.

Anyway, we started dozing off around ten, and then knocked out. I didn't turn off my lights, I didn't close the door, I didn't wake up in time to see Ian's call. I just slept, till 2 something. I woke up freaked out because it was 2 something and my room wasn't set for bed time. And because I had Paranormal running through my brain.

But now, I am all showered, waiting for lunch time so I can head off to Fox's and help her set everything up for firepit tonight. I'm excited.

I think I might need to expand my options when it comes to company. I don't want to miss out on anything. Sometimes I feel like I am. But then there are days when I see that I really haven't. Outside of Adrian and Fox, I don't want to do anything else. This is never good for me. Never good for anyone. It's good to spread out my sources of happiness.

I miss the guys, the group. I miss Tyler, and I miss everything that comes along with it. They seem far away for some reason, but I'm completely aware that if I reach out, they'll reach back. I just feel caught up. I always feel caught up.

And I always miss Snow. I feel like I never get any quality time with her, just for myself. And sometimes, I just want her for myself! Aha. I keep telling myself everything will settle down, and she'll catch a good break, and we'll all be at ease.

I think I upset Ian today. Actually, I know I did. I don't know. I wasn't exactly thinking. I just did, and I always just do. And I don't know what to say...

Majority of my thoughts hover over the upcoming weekend. I'm so stoked for firepit night! I'm always stoked for firepit nights! I love smelling like smoke and gathering around the fire. I get to have all 5 of them (6 if RV included). Halloween will be cute.

I feel like shredding this town at this very moment.

This week has been so boring. Almost everything about it. Dull.

Why is nothing exciting lately?

PS. I'm gonna go get long hair. I'm sick of this hair. I'm so sick of it.

In several days, I'll probably be ready to regurgitate music that I'm compulsively downloading. I get a sense of satisfaction when the bar hits 100%, and then I get to drag it on to the most reliable ipod in the world.

Today was my first day home in quite a long time. I've spent nearly 90% of the past two weeks with Fox. I'm happy when she's happy.

The greatest part about my day was how Adrian let me sleep on him, literally. I was just so tired, and he's just so comfortable. When he left, I crawled pitifully on my bed. And slept till it bled dark out.

Ange : Not Compelled To Blog.

I like to lay here and let you linger after you've hung up the phone. I still hear your voice, and it still gets me on my toes for the next day.
I'm too bad ass honey, but I love you hysterically, and you know it.

500

Days of Summer...

I miss you.

A few of my favorite things:

-Gray days
-Sundays in bed
-My record player
-Coloring
-Eyes
-Secretkeepers
-Infinite.
-Thump thumps
-18 and rebelling out, on the way out.

405

"You keep twisting the truth"

Blogger,

I don't know what to say. Do you know how much has happened? How much has changed? How easily things could fall apart and fall together? I have so much to say, but I won't. Because I can't tell you. And they won't understand. And it all will just get ugly.

I'm going to get myself a hardcover journal... but with lines. Because I can never keep writing in a straight line with out the line. Oh I have so much to say.

I love when I put it in shuffle, and all of the best songs play.

I'm feeling really scattered. I want someone to talk to, and tell all of my secrets. But the right person never comes to me.

Sundays.

I'm laying in bed with The Cure singing to me about summer. It's dark in here with the blinds and with out my night light. I wish someone was here to keep my nerves calm.
I can't get myself to turn off the fan because the sound familiarizes me to sleep.
Through the blinds I can see that the sky outside is red, my favorite. This bed is heaven, but I do like to share this heaven with someone.
Tomorrow is ours.

Boot Camp

I can't help it. This Marines thing is really bringing me down. It makes me so sad, and so scared, and I already miss him so much.

The night of my party, his speech was the only speech that made me cry. If I didn't have the ten pound bouquet covering my face half of the time to stop the water works, I would've been a wreck dead on. My mouth became heavy at the corners, my eyes started to sting, and my heart started sinking. It always hits me. At random times even.

I can't help it. He's my best friend. He's the only that's ever really, consistently been easy, or...made things easier for me. He's my source of ease and security. I can't imagine being so down as long as I know he's my best friend. But knowing he's leaving, it's really killing me. And I have a hard time expressing that to him, because I don't know if I'm supposed to.

All I can do is support him, and hope that things will always be alright, and that he comes home whole every single time. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I know he's a big boy, and he can take care of himself, I know that. It's just... I don't know, I can't even bring myself to say it.

Summer is far from now. Winter isn't even here yet. But every day is another day closer to that fateful day. And every day my heart breaks a little bit more.

I hate falling asleep thinking of this.

Baby,
When I come home every day, I always know that you're good to me. No matter what I do, and what happens, you still claim me yours, and you still love me the same.
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'd just been so caught up with things.

I love you, and you know it.

I'm In Trouble Again

"Oh fuck..."

Internet isnt exactly down, I'm just too comfortable to get out of bed.

Last night was the night. It was stressful and hectic and majority of the night I was wishing I was in bed. Still fun.

I thank everyone for coming and my court for putting up with everything. But most importantly I thank my parents for being the best parents.

18 feels nice.

I Just Had The Best Birthday Of My Life

All thanks to all of my best friends.

I have never been that speechless before. I have never felt so vital, so important, so significant, so loved ever. E V E R.

My room is beautiful. My life is beautiful. I wish I can explain in words how I feel, but I really can't. I really can't. This was so unexpected, and so amazing of them. I love this.

I was semi-depressed all week you know? Worried about turning 18. Worried about adding on to my bad birthdays streak. And even at school today I pouted. But I came home, stepped into my room. And seeing how beautiful they've done everything. My bad birthday streak didn't continue this year. Oh my heart...

I owe so many thanks to so many people. My heart is just bursting with joy. This is the best birthday that I have ever had. Ever. And I didn't even cry out of sadness this year, at all. Everyone knows I cry every year. But this year. I am so full of happiness.

All thanks to

Josh Batacan
Joyce Keokham
RV
Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart
Makayla Dias
and of course the mastermind of the operation
Adrian Del Fierro.

And everyone else that contributed to my happiness, thank you so so much.

And of course to all that wished me a happy birthday. All the scattered texts that I received and all of the "Oh it's your birthday?!"

I'd show you pictures, but neh. They did it for ME. So it's mine all mine tonight. And besides, Ace did all the photography/videography therefore I don't have any.

I will sleep a good, 18 year-old sleep tonight. On my new bed! And my new sheets! And my new pillow! Staring at all the pictures! Listening to record player!

I love you all so much.

I'm complete, absolutely and hysterically complete.

I'm staring at balloons and flowers, everything that I didn't want to expect today. And I'm shaking frantically, panicking about something I can't even grasp.

I knew he would; it's a good thing that I'm in love with him. It's a bad thing that he has to deal with me now.

I'm In Awe.

I spent the last day of being seventeen pouring my heart out, like I wasn't afraid of anything at all.

God you're amazing...

Today is my last day to be seventeen. I'm in Ceramics pouting.

Once I pass my birthday I know I'll be happy about this.

Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting

Ange sucks.

A thousand apologies to the man in my life.

This will all be over soon.

Well,

Nothing is as boring as other people's dreams, still true. But I can't get myself to finish this book.

Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting

I'm getting really bored with everything, I'll be honest. I need something new before I make a mess out of things.

You,

It doesn't feel like we have time at all. And I want to stop and just drop everything for you, but it can't work that way, and I know I have to be patient, and I know I have to keep at it. But this is dragging on, and knowing myself, I tend to start changing.

And you,

We have to start always choosing happiness again. These weekends have been sulked and are worrying me. But undoubtedly, we still have the best times together. We Always Choose Happiness. It's a summer promise.

W.

PS. I love you both dearly.

I'm sitting outside a tiny tiny cafe within SFO.

I know I should be happy but there's something about airports that feel like sadness. It's gray and metallic everywhere, speckled floors with scuff marks and baggage-wheel trails.

This reminds me of when I'd left the Philippines 8 years ago. Arguably one of the saddest moments of my life. And it reminds of two winters ago when I had to leave my life for a little while. Finally, I can't escape the reminder of when Adrian will soon have to leave.

Maybe if I see more of them smile, I'll want to smile too. Or maybe when I see her walking towards us with her luggage, it'll hit me, and I'll burst into smiles.

Damn It.

My parents got creative. The door frames in the hallways are now brown. Motherfucking brown. My room is now accented like it's a happy forest, and RV's looks like mint candy.

This is by far the ugliest idea that my parents have ever had. But they seem to be for it. I am wondering what they were both on when they decided to do this. I feel like I'm in the 70's. Our house lost its simplicity. Now parts of it are just straight up ugly.

Oh god damnit.

It's Not A Rainy Day But...

It's still mighty fine on this gray day.

GOOD MORNING

My dreams are confusing me. And TapTap still makes me really anxious. And the smell of paint smells like that summer that RV said I could've died. They're painting the hallways white, and it's even whiter now.

I need a haircut because these old hairs are taking me down, and I need to stay on top.

It was firepit night.

I'm at the cold of my room and I smell smoked again. I like the sounds of crackling fire. And I like the people that surrounded me. But there's something so unfortunately sad about tonight, and I wish I'd never left her house.
Because now I can be unfortunately sad in my own quarters, with this song repeating over and over...

Dear Snow,

I wish you were there last night too.

You would've been the one to fill the empty seat in Tami's car that we all know belongs to you.

At this moment, we're in Tami's car again, one thousand and one miles per hour, Elephants As Big As Whales.

Company Calls Epilogue

At the end of the day, I end up here.

Sometimes, there's too much dusts on my floor and I can't function right. Like I'm thinking of all the wrong things, and then I look down and see that on top of the dusts are my clothes from the day or the days before. Days like that, I'm on the blacks and whites. And I get sad when I hear a sad song, excessively. Or I lose myself in my happiness, limp on my bed, and I don't do anything.

But like now, the wood of my floors are spotless. My clothes are collected in two hampers, and I'm replaying this album over and over. I'm feeling right, and I'm thinking right. And even when I hear this song, I'm not as sad, and I'm not as thoughtful. It isn't as interesting. It's just good. Because like the lady from Costco once said, Nothing is ever interesting, it's just good (or bad) I presumed.

Soon, more dust will collect with out me.

Fox: You know why I didn't go to Kenny's house today?

Ange: Hm?

Fox: Cause I wanted aloe and taro..

Silence.

Our fridge is stocked full of aloe juice and taro ice cream.

Aloe and taro over sex, YES.

Psychology;

I should've ditched with Ace.

Hi Blogger,

I am in class, lacking in giraffe love, meaning I don't have my pencils which mean I am excessively anxious.
I am also out of aloe juice. I'm using a yellow .7 pencil with skulls decorated around it.

But the worse part about this all is that this is the first day that I am not wearing eyeliner. I don't know why it makes all the difference but I feel like it does.

This has been fun.

Fox is extraordinarily sound asleep next to me. She's so asleep that I don't even want to wake her to cuddle.

But my sister just played New American Classic and I feel exceptionally sad.

She kept saying, "You could've died that summer." And I don't quite know what she means by that. But I'm getting the idea that she has an idea of how painful that summer was.

I want to sleep.

Dear Blogger,

I am currently in bed with Fox. She's trying her hardest not to fall asleep. And a few feet from us is RV on the laptop playing TBS and I love Adam.

This is the first time that I will be posting a blog via text and this just isn't the same. But I still happen to like it.

RV just warned me that she will be playing Slow Dance on the Inside, and to brace myself.

I think I'll cower now, or keep Fox awake.

This has been fun.

Hi, it's 9:42pm and I am coming to find that my temper has been flaring lately.

Who's Looking At The Same Moon?

It's so close and so warm on this nearly-really-chilly night.

I saw it shining through the curtains and the blinds from my living room, and my heart was pounding when I glanced. I love how these things take my breath away. And I wonder, who else could feel the same. And then I wonder if anyone is looking up at all. And then I feel silly, because I just want to call someone, or even desperately text them, just to say what I have to say.

To say that it's things like these that tingle under my skin, and make me smile to myself, and cherish every little thing that I have to cherish. And it's these things that stay in the taste of my mouth, tapping on my toes.

But I stayed silent. I thought it deserved my peace.

My quiet peace.

So I sat back down on the couch where I'd left my mark, where my thoughts immediately, habitually, willingly, and naturally led me to the man in my life.

Today I Thought About My Turning 18

And I got excited.

And I think about how much will really change in the house, and how much difference there will really be with the way my parents treat me. A part of me is convinced that they will be aware that I should be more free to do what I please. I'd paid my 18 years' dues, and it's time that they no longer tell me when to sleep, or restrict my outings with friends, which are always, no matter whom I am with, harmless and ...sober. Ha.

Then there's a part of me that thinks there will be no difference. That for as long as I live under this roof, I will have to abide by the rules that the rest of my siblings follow. That they'll just lecture me, or guilt trip me, or relentlessly STAY ON MY GRIND.

I'm a good kid. I can say that. I'm a lazy kid, but I am a good kid. Sometimes I think my parents don't give me enough credit, and I think that they've misunderstood the way I am. But then again, I don't really think they know much of who I am. And this will always make me sad.

Eleven more days, and after that, thirteen more days until the party is off my back. And I just can't wait for that.

"Nothing Is As Boring As Other People's Dreams"

-John Green, Paper Towns.

And I intend on not talking about my dream, but it's kind of haunting me. It has been for approximately an hour and a half. In other words, when I woke up.

Maybe not haunting, but it's stuck in my head. And generally, I forget my dreams. I hardly remember them. Especially since I no longer have a dream catcher, I've been dreamless. And by dreamless I probably mean I just haven't remembered any.

I dreamt about you, and it scared me. Because we were supposed to be alone, but we weren't. And we were in your room, and it was bright, but it was supposed to be dark, and your eyes look exactly as I had remembered them. And I was almost certain that they had changed.

It went from good, to bad, to worse, to really bad, to relief, to confusion. I was disoriented almost the whole time. The things you said, the things I said. The things we did. And the way you cried as you said the things you said, and the way I stared at you astonished because I had never expected that, not even in my dreams. Because you would never.

And I was warm and sad, I remember I could feel the sadness on my face as I supported myself up with my elbows so I could see you. And I listened, and you were so sad. And I wanted to fix things but I didn't know what to say.

It was strange because you felt exactly the same. And I was beside you and felt exactly the same as it would have always been. But I knew things weren't the same. Because at the foot of the bed showed up Fox, and she reminded me of my life, and I wanted to go. And I didn't want to stay knowing we're wrong.

And it faded from there, and I woke up, and I felt sad, and I remembered you and you felt sad, and you felt the same, and smelled the same, and your eyes were the same, the same brown, but I left and I don't know what happened to you from there, but now I'm wondering why I'm remembering a dream that was of you, but I haven't remembered a dream of mine in months because your dream catcher went down, and I looked up as I laid thoughtful and certainly it wasn't there.

But like I left your room in my dream, I stood up and left mine to forget that I had a dream at all.

It's freezing.

Jabe Says He Reads My Blogs Everyday

And it made me happy, so I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to him,

My best friend JB.

Last night he came over at 10something with Bucket. He was lacking in movies and food, and Fox and I were dying in my room. Sadly, we weren't just dying, we were slightly pitiful. The mood, the night, the music, it all just didn't fit right for a happy night. But once Jabe stepped through the front door, we were light again.

In the living room, he stood the way he always stands. He fit in my living room just right, like he fit being with us, because Jabe fits in with everyone. For an hour, we spent a quiet living room night not watching movies or eating unlike as planned. He told us about college, about Kris, about work, about his brothers, about the people that he despised. And we listened because he's so animated. And he always makes us laugh, always. Always.

And we all shared bits and pieces of ourselves.

I found that I can't be sad or mad around him. He is the lightest and what someone would describe as "chill". And that's why our first whole summer together, I refer to as Jawsh Summer, the Chill Summer. We can be serious with out being serious. It's his IDGAF self that blends well, but in reality he does care, well, with me at least I can feel that.

Last night he was asking himself why Kris had chosen him. What he had that [list fellas' names here] didn't have. And we never gave him a straight answer because the conversation branched out to him being a nerd, and the situations that in fact would prove him a nerd. But that led to other discussions about the unrelated.

I think... that they just found each other. I think that's how most couples are. You don't necessarily choose. When you've come to love someone, it's since they've found one another. And the negative things that we could say about ourselves won't matter so much because the other would love us the same anyway. And they love us with all the imperfections and flaws that we have.

JB is the best. And that's why he's my best friend. I'm always so proud of him, and he always cares about me. And I'm lucky enough for that because he doesn't care about too much. And he always surprises me. He'll tell me the best things at the most unpredictable moments, and they're rare enough and amazing enough that you could catch me sleeping with a creepy smile on my face.

He loves me like an Angie,

and it's perfect.

Is This Heartburn?

It hurts all over my body. On top of that, my sinuses are worsening, and my migraines are increasing.

Rehearsal today made me want to kill myself. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING. But at least we got to somewhere, which, I'm content with. The waltz makes me feel soooo silly, but it's kind of nice. Everyone made it today, which made me VERY happy. But handling 32 teenagers, wow.

I want to go to sleep and stop thinking about this but the pain in my body, and the two bodies sleeping on my tiny ass bed are stopping me from doing so.

I can't wait till this is all over. Next rehearsal, next rehearsal will be so much smoother, it WILL be.

Je suis fatiguee.

Hey there Blogger

I just feel like telling everyone.

Everyone, Taylor Snow received freedom today. LICENSE! She beat both her senior best friends, UH HUH. You shine Snow!

And...

She found a poem online with my name on it by luck. It's an elegy! she keeps exclaiming aha.

angie. noone knows what really happened to her. all they know that she was naked and dead. some people say it. was foul play some people say. it was a blood vessel in her head. but then i began to have these wierd dreams about her. some beautiful some horrible. but how do we know whats real and whats a fantasy. when angie's not here to tell.

She says it's creepy, and I really like it. I think I might love it.

Rehearsals tomorrow, RSVP SLAVES.

The waltz songs that my father chose are so silly. But I get to choose the opening song. Yeah Yeah Yeah's on MINE.

Yeah yeah, good night.

I Have Dead Eyes

This makes me so sad...