More Beautiful Days

Some amazing days, no?

I spent today with him.

And her.

See? He wants head. And I said no.



He thought I wanted head too.








Look at what he drew. He gave me orange hair. I said THE FUCK. And those things that look like grapes on his stummy, that's his 8pack.

Last Week?

PETITS SECRETS from rikki andrade on Vimeo.

The unFaces of ADF

Thus far...

The first, from September.

December.

January.


And my so far favorite, March.

Look at that smile. Those smile lines. THAT SMILE. Every time I take a new one, I can't stop staring at it. This ...mmmmm.

Can't find a lot of them.

Just sharing.

The Most Beautiful Day So Far

After school:

-Ian and I purchased chalk and bubbles instead of Slurpees
-Cool walk to Mikal's
-Mikal and I scribbled and blew bubbles on her driveway
-The warmth was even scorching
-I peeled of my pants
-I put on her shorts
-I grabbed her sunglasses, Dr. Pepper, and crackers
-She put on shorts and her sunglasses.
-We counted her money on her porch from her Buddha
-We played catch with her wad of money for days
-On her couch then
-WEBCAM!!
-Laptop died.
-We died.
-Then I went home.
-And I've been with the Ipod since.

Don't feel like writing shit, I just like listing. Too happy to care!

HAP
PIN
ESS!

Letters from SD

"...I know you, very soon you'll get into another situation..."

Still so apologetic. Still so sad.

But I'm glad to hear from you.

Hasn't Failed Me

Guess who's tinkering with an Ipod right now? ME.

ADF = LOVE.

BTW.

American Eagle provided us with good music yesterday as we sat on the couches for days. I WANT..IPOD IN MY LIFE BACK. I'VE BEEN MUSICLESS FOR OVER A MONTH. I'M SO EMPTY! Another contribution to my seasonal depression.

Another Beautiful Day

-Ian
-The Shining

Almost uneventful. With lots of fun. But one of my best days.

I'm pooped.

Nice?

My mind is leaving with after tastes of images that somewhat bother me. Since today went so well, I'm asking myself..."Are you being the best that YOU can be for him?" And it's true. I'm ridiculously selfish.

I'm feeling better now. So let's try this again. I'll try better.

Warm List

Some stuff:

-Sunglasses
-Hat
-Sandals
-Converse
-IDK, HELLA CLOTHES?
-New scents
-Summer necklace and bracelets
-Shorts
-Bathing suit

Some stuff to do:

-Buy paint
-Paint room; cream, one wall midnight blue
-Spring cleaning with Mikalalalala
-Develop some film
-Buy some film
-Get new SD card for video cam
-Find a gooood lookin' dresser
-Tear down my closet
-Visit Victorian home at Ardenwood something
-BEACH BOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just enjoy listing these things lately.

BEAUTIFUL DAY

I can barely see right now. I cripplingly need my glasses more often now, it's annoying.

I'll talk about my day.

It felt like the longest day. Waking up was a hassle. I honestly could not figure out what day it was. Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday. But it never occurred to me that it was Monday until about five minutes of unexplainable disorientation.

I expected the weather to be warmer by the time I arrived at school, but no. No. Not the morning. Warmth spread as the afternoon dragged on. Fox and I thought Servanda wasn't in class, so we dipped. Turns out she was in class. We stopped by the mall to look at some SpringSummer apparels and we sat on couches and benches and talked for days about the days we've had, we're having, and we'll have.

DID I MENTION IT'S MAMA TAM'S BIRTHDAY?! The big Five O. She's an amazing second mama. I love her very very very much! Yeah, she picked us up and took us home to the two lovely Matt and Tay on the couch attacking each other. They're so good it's disgusting. They're adorably disgusting. They even left the house cutely disgusting together.

For Tam's birthday, the family and I head out to a sushi place that I can't recall the name of but they all seemed really fond of. They served me the best sushi I've had in a while. I'm thinking of taking Ian there so we can consume some raw fish! They had mango ice cream and I had green tea ice cream. GREEN TEA ICE CREAM TASTES LIKE SUMMER. It was heaven in my mouth.

By the time we returned to the house, it was already late, it just didn't feel like it. Everyone scattered on the couches, and we watched...20/20: The Bachelor. Yeah, wtf Daniel, right? Aha.

That's..just about my day. I had Red Machine this morning, and that kick start my day very well. Ian had these guys deliver them with some Starbucks to my first block. Tell me he's not ridiculously amazing.

The weather was warm. I felt good.

Mikalalala and I discussed 'seasonal depression' and decided to stay away from each other during winters when we both get depressed. That way, our friendship won't have the risk of ending stupidly, and ...we're just happier when it's Spring. Last Spring was when we became best friends. And Summer was, so far, our happiest together. We told each other we could kill each other [:

Everyone ready for some warmth? I know I am.

A Fox Quote

"I think I definitely got freakier since I've met you."

Then I choked on some sushi.

And More...

Here's my plan.

I say we just dip, leave this place. We'll be hella poor and miserable for a little while, but let's ignorantly and blissfully say that we'll find a way. Every night you can tell me, "We'll find a way baby, we'll find a way." Like you always reassure me anyway.

And one day, things won't be so bad anymore. One day, we'll have our Victorian style home and you'll have your Japanese cave that I don't get to touch. And we'll be living in that house. And we'll have a cabin, remember? A cabin for summers or winters, near a lake or some body of water. You'll have an axe for cutting wood and we'll have a canoe and I could even try gardening! And I'll be an expert because I would have been a florist, like I said I wanted to be at some point. Every night we could watch our favorite movies and argue about who listens to the better music. And you can make me crepes while I complain about something new. We could have a French Bulldog, because I want one, so we want one. And we'll take care of him and we can name him after a British man or a food item. But I don't know. You don't know. We never know.

My heart really did sink to my ass. I say we just dip, leave this place. But you're not as irresponsible as I am, and we both know. I don't know, we never know.

Fuck, I am so fucking sad all of the time.. all of a sudden.

Have to keep moving forward.

Snookie

"I'm bored in bed listening to Love in this Club Remix and it reminded me of you."

Chen is always a reh-tard.

For Reminding Me

"Ange, let it go. He has to be your past. I'm not kidding, okay?"

-NJ.

My go-to bestfriend.

Grinds My Gears

A list:

-Fucking up freshly painted nails.
-Ants, fucking ants.
-When I'm moody.
-BLOATED!
-Forehead aches
-The Manny Pacman fanbase. STFU.
-The M. Pacman fanbase hating on me for hating. STFU.
-Dust in my room.
-Cold weather
-Thinking it'll be warm and it turns out to be cold.
-No time to watch movies
-Fuckin' pricks for no apparent reason
-Cutting up while shaving legs
-Shakespeare
-Summer taking too long.
-Thinking about all the money I have to spend.
-My disinterest to too many things.
-Why I can't get myself to write a fucking letter.
-...And why I didn't get a letter...

Bottom line, nothing grinds my gears as much as this sadness.

WILL WATCH

WANT LIST

Wantwantwantwantwant:

-Short shorts!
-Legs legs legs!
-SUNSHINE
-SLEEVELESS
-Slurpees!
-Searing car rides with melted dessert item chillin' in the cupholder
-Porchmonkeying
-SUNGLASSES; no more Louie's, no more Willy's
-Hot movie afternoons

....TO BE CONTINUED

Delete

..d my Tumblr account. The past few days that I had it just made me feel weird. What the hell was I doing with a Tumblr? My life doesn't head that way! Ridiculous!

Shout Outs?

One for NJ; because you told me IT'S JUST RIGHT. One to take home to mama. And you sound happy, so I'm happy.

One for Snow; because you came to my house at four in the morning and we all knew strawberry was always better than cherry. FINALLY!

"Oh fuck.." Mornings

I hate waking up to the heater on full blast. I hate waking up with my throat drought-dry and my feet clammy and my head trying to surface my blanket so I can breathe right.

I hate waking up with the strange pains. In my dream, these long, thin, black sticks were being unsheathe and pushed down my throat and through my lungs. I knew that pain. The pain ...the one that traveled. The one that you feel all over your body, and ends at the tips of your fingers. It was that. Except the long sticks would go through me, and the images in my head were the people that I'd ever hurt, and some random girl playing the part of a girl I know was the one sticking them through me.

I still don't understand how something of an emotional state can be so physical. But it happens all the time. It's about time I just stop questioning it.

"On My Own" - The Used

"Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all."

"I have no interesting stories! I'm a quite boring, average guy."

I don't know why this made me smile.

Just Kidding,

We're already bored with it.

"Can We Last Through The Winter?"

The water's starting to freeze
The only one who remembers
Taking the wrong step falling in front of me
This body's already aging
These nights are already long
And if I last through the winter I swear to you now, I wont call

Congratulations, go home now

Will we last through the winter
Will we make it to see
I never wanted a partner
And I never loved you
Now you are free to leave
This heart is already frozen
I can't remember the fall
And if I last through the winter
I swear to you now, I won't call

Congratulations, go home now...

"In Fear and Faith"

OH NO,

WHAT DID WE DO NJ.

Lately,

I've been getting a good dose of guy best friendship from Jaisun.

For a little while now since Jabe's been gone, there's been this huge gaping void in me that I couldn't figure out how to fill. No one else could, no one else can. But since Jaisun's been around, dealing with it has gotten significantly easier. A lot of him reminds me of Jabe. I don't know if it's just the fact that he's sincere wanting a place in my life, or just because he's just as caring, just as considerate, laid-back, relaxed, and easy-going as Jabe. No one will ever fill his place. But when days that I miss him more than the day before, it's nice to have someone like Jaisun to remind me that everything is still as amazing, no matter what.

When we have our conversations, I'm reminded of who I was before, back in Freshman year when we first became close. And how different our lives were, and we were. And now we talk like we didn't have this huge gap of years that we faded. We're so different now, more mature I'd say. It's nice to know we can still talk like we used to. I like this.

PS. Everything is still as amazing, no matter what.

NJ

Blogger will always be home.

We love you very very very very very very very very MUCH!

THE

Final Destination

...is so stupid. Excessively. The dumbest of all Final Destinations. Fox, Jaisun, and I agreed that the third one was the most decent.

My stomach is so satisfied with everything from today though.

A LIST! ...of all the good things I had today:

-Panera samwish that Ian got me
-Strawberry Banana Naked that I left in my bag from the day before
-Crack donut from UHLEXIS
-Sunkist from Ian.
-RED MACHINE SURPRISE DURING ADVISORY FROM IAN
-Pretzels from Cassidy
-In n Out with Jaisn, Fox, and Minh
-More Red Machine from Safeway
-COOKIES AND CUPCAKES THAT WE ALL BAKED!
-And now, finishing a samwish that I made before we left Fox's.

MY STUMMY HAS HAPPINESS.

PS. Congrats to IAN!!

Sometimes,

The only thing that gets me through a sticky state of mind is thinking about holding your face, taking in your scent, finding your eyes, and stealing your lips. You are exactly the kind of sanity I could lose myself with.

My Affinity for Lists

Favorites:

-Naked: Red Machine
-Finding wishbones
-Jacketless to school
-Sleeping at 3
-Last summer I had dark blue ones, now these will be my summer shoes this year. Maybe.

WC

A List

...of movie recommendations:

-Garden State
-Requiem for a Dream
-Elephant
-The Science of Sleep
-Running with Scissors (finish)
-The Royal Tenenbaums
-My Blueberry Nights
-The Reader
-The Invention of Lying

...of movies to watch again:

-Heathers
-Charlie Bartlett
-What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
-In Land of Women
-40 Days and 40 Nights
-The Rules of Attraction

(will update.)

I AM

HELLA FUCKIN' LOSING MY SANITY.

FFUUCCKK!!

Fuck.

Disneyland.

SPRING BREAK.

Finally..

An Ache

One ache comes from a thousand different aches that subject into one, sinking, tangible ache. The kind of ache that you feel in the back of your mouth in the root of your teeth. The kind that travels from your center, across your chest, through your arms, on your palms, and out your fingertips. The kind that runs down your core, flopping in the pit of your stomach where it pokes at your gut, then down running your legs and out the tingles of your toes. The kind that makes you have to close your eyes. The kind that has you wrapping your arms around yourself. You breathe deeper, and slower, while your heart races faster.

It's strange really. How heart ache is suppose to be a state of mind. But for someone reason, it's enough to actually present you with physical pain. I've always thought of it as like a tingling tangible pain. You kind of feel the same when you get excited. That feeling. Except, this one hurts. I don't know if I'm the only one that has ever felt this. But as horrible as I feel when that ache is here, overwhelming my whole body to a limp, helpless fetal position, I can consider this ache almost equivalent to feeling infinite. It's just as strong. Just as unforgettable. It's the BIG ONES of life. Of my life at least.

Ache : Infinite : Infinite : Ache

Looking Through Julia's Tumblr

Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?

Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?

Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series

I Burnt Bread This Morning

I tried the mini oven today, and now I have the after taste of cancer in my mouth.

I was thinking. I have ridiculous emotional issues. I'm not weak. I'm not strong. I'm not apathetic. I'm not exactly intelligent when it comes to emotions. I'm actually more of a coward. I hide emotions. I stash them away and disguise them as something they're not completely.

I shelter myself, wrap myself around another layer of someone else's skin. Sometimes, I can't even let myself feel sadness, or anger, or disappointment. I just tell myself that things will be alright and that I'll be happy again, sooner or later. I've never thought that telling myself that were lies, because till now, I don't believe they're lies. They're just self-reassurances. But it's coping with feelings that makes it all so difficult for me. It's expressing them and sharing them with out feeling weak and vulnerable and so terribly afraid of what my world could come to.

How do I channel my feelings without it costing so much? WHY IS IT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO JUST FEEL AND LET MYSELF FEEL?! It's like I constantly have to lie about what and how I'm feeling to keep moving forward on the day. I can't stop in the middle of it because I know that if I let myself feel, I'll have to break apart in some way. And for all these years, now thinking that I've grown up learning how to deal, I'm just become more cowardly. I refuse to bend my knees. I want to stay solid. Be solid. Almost impenetrable. Doesn't that sound stupid?

How could I expect someone...anyone to love me? How could I expect myself to love someone? Loving someone is surrendering to the fact that you can't control it. But I can feel myself controlling. I can feel myself refusing to surrender. "Is trust really that fucking hard?"

Yeah, it's about trust. I don't trust. I don't know how to trust someone I love. I don't know how to trust myself. I don't know how to trust anyone else.

I'll have to break apart some time, some way.

These Are A Few

...of my favorite things:

-CAMP! Thoughts of camp, memories at camp.
-Walking to 711 for Slurpees in my shorts and vneck with Vag everyday after practice.
-In N Out and Subway
-Petting Snow's piercing and saying "thizz pill, thizz pill."
-JAISUN!
-Watching Whip It

...of my goals:

-SERIOUSLY, pass my permit/license tests. I SUCK DUDE.
-Get over this campsickness, sadness thing. Makes me depressed.
-Have Ty as my partner again.
-Unpack my camp luggage.
-Not get sick from all the Slurpee.
-Stop this food junkie phase.
-Finish ALL my current events..
-SOMETHING AMAZING, once again.

The Concept of Taking Someone for Granted

It's always the ones closest to us, the ones that probably mean a lot, or just something. The ones that try a little more. Maybe the ones that would bother going the extra mile. Maybe the ones that we don't ever give enough credit. Maybe the ones that we just forget to acknowledge, or we're too preoccupied with others things that we just don't notice.

The concept of taking someone for granted. You're only aware of it when you become the one taken for granted.

Was thinking today...

Could I really be just someone's momentary phase?

I think I've been someone's phase...way too much. Because my head's really fucked up.

American Idol

My father is the self-proclaimed 5th judge of American Idol.

He's so frustrated tonight because the ladies in the competition can't get their shit together and can't choose a song that's best for them. He's upset, oh he's very upset. He wants to say that "she sucks" and ends up saying "she's socks!" The hilarity of sitting down and watching reality tv shows.

Heey You

We had good conversations today. Good like we haven't had in what feels like such a long time. I like it. It's like I've been missing you this whole time. I guess I really have been missing you this whole time.

I've been sick of the rain these past days..maybe weeks? But it wasn't so bad today. It wasn't so bad under the thunder talking about all the things we talk about. And you and I love talking about the things we talk about.

Just saying, you're my besterest friend. We've been at each other's throats lately, and it gets real shakey, real dicey. But when it's good, it's sooooo good. It's soo good with you. I just love you.. I mean I GUESS. Aha x33333333333333

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

We Watched Time Traveler's Wife Again

I keep seeing myself married to Ian. And surprisingly, it doesn't scare me like I expect it should. It's a comforting thought. A hopeful thought. A more promising thought.

Since I've had him, I catch myself whispering, "I could marry him..." under my breath. Just the way he carries himself, the way he cares for me, the way he looks at me, treats me, loves me. He's something else. He's beautiful, I'm telling you.

Just saying.

Wanna Know Somefing?

Right now, RV and I are listening to the first Panic! At the Disco and are enjoying it. It's like a guilty pleasure this album. We can sing along and sometimes mess up on the lyrics but it's so enjoyable. But sometimes it's difficult to admit that I still love this band. I don't love them now, but I did at some point in my life.

P!ATD was my 8th grade year. AND SINGING ALONG FEELS GREAT.

Aha just saying..

ADF sent me a link...

WILDE

Relieves my weekend stress..

LOL Why won't you guys acknowledge this?!

Ellen Page

Charming.

Guess who misses front bangs?

11:09am

And my mother is blasting 80's music from her bedroom. I can't even pay attention to watching Whip It. Or doing my homework.

TEARS FOR FEARS?! NEW ORDER?! THE CURE?! DEPECHE MODE?!

That's my mama!

Joyce is so cool..i dont know how i suvived a week with acism

Yesterday; Movie Marathon

Excluding Whip It since I've already expressed how I feel about it, these are the movies that Ace, Vag, Ferna and Ry, and Joehl and I watched till 4 in the morning. Nice way to come home after a week away from home. Couchpotatoing with some the bests.

NEW FAVORITE

Taydrian!

Without Fox and Ange... TAYDRIAN exists! The newer, better, more intriguing celebrity couple. Bradgelina. He loves her. She loves him. I love them. They love me.

Too Much Slug For One Hand!

Narwhal

"...I doubt I'll be seeing you around."

I've had one of the best five days of my life.

I was a cabin leader at Camp Campbell.

And I will now document how it was. SO CLICK CLOSE NOW.

Nature Name: Narwhal.

The most of these 5th graders had no idea what a narwhal was and how to pronounce it. But cmon, I had the most original name. None of that Panda Tiger Lily Phoenix shit. NARWHAL.

Cabin Group Name: Manzanitas!

I learned what a manzanita is. It's a little shrub in the chaparral with little tiny apple look-a-alikes, hence "manzanitas".

Field Teacher: Mark Beetle.

I got the cool, indie teacher with his beanie, skinny jeans and flannel, and full beard. Loved 311 and clearly, The Beetles. Always with his guitar. A cool fella that I could talk music with.

Cabin Leader Buddy: Ariel, aka Super Nova.

A second timer so she kept me up to date. Good conversations. Good, chill person. Great taste in movies. Open-minded and comfortable to be around. Half the time, I was lost with out her.

Cabin Kids: From Smith Elementary

-Andrea- My little helper. I gave her a green slip at the end of the week because she's been my right hand buddy. Always kept me in check, asked me the time, knew all the things I missed. She was the little leader. Girls thought she was bossy, but she was such a great help. Favorite!

-Adrian- AKA AJ, or as how I referred to her, 'Age,' I told her AJ was too long for me. Another one of my green slip kids. She was always prepared. Very mature, but very funny and intelligent. She was...different. And looked like Matilda! But she reminded me of Tay most of the time. Idk if it was because I missed her, but what a coooool kid. Really one of the coolest kids I'd never thought I'd come acrros. Favorite!

-Alena- Slowed me down for the most part. Woke me up almost every night to pee. A nice girl, but cmon... She became very attached, like everyone else I suppose, but I wasn't that comfortable with her.

-Jessica- Alena's best friend, they're like two peas in a pod, kind of outcasts of the group. More bearable than Alena, but like her, not one of my favorites. Nice girl though.

-Marissa- LATE. Always late. She didn't pine for my attention as much as the other girls but when she did, it was either a long story or..."I need to pee." She wanted a green slip. Then again, everyone wanted one.

-Anya- Lovable girl! Friendly to everyone, including the other leaders. She always did chores. She woke up in the middle of the night to buddy up with someone that needed to pee, unlike everyone else that refused to be a buddy. I could've given her a green slip. A favorite!

-Vanessa- Super best friends! She was a sweet heart, didn't try to get my attention too much either. Didn't cause too much problems. Doesn't always stand out to me, but makes one of my favorites.

-Brianna- The one that reminded me of Nikki. She reminded me of Nikki and I's science camp week. Best friends with Adrian, she understood my personality the most. Fun-loving and friendly, but didn't have to try so hard to be coool. A favorite!

-Bianca- The pristine looking girl that wears Juicy Couture. Rich, popular girl. Quiet and kept to herself, but not shy. Just not her exact circle of friends. My ONLY yellow slip. But only because another cabin leader caught her horseplaying with some little boy. Favooorite!

-Hunter- Funniest girl of the cabin. But never, ever tried to be funny. Didn't try to get my attention. Loves puddles and her rainboots. Named Best Soccer Player of the Cabin because almost all of them played. Made me laugh so much. She was a wild child!I called her Killaaaa because she was hella thug! Probably my second favorite kid.

-Amanda- And my very favorite! I gave her my cookie chip name tag because she kindly asked for it and I thought it'd be nice for her to remember me by. Every night, when everyone else fell asleep, she'd be up, and I'd hear her cry. She said she hates falling asleep last. She's always alone. She wakes up alone at home. She hates being alone. When she'd cry, I'd talk to her until she fell asleep. We talked about her family and her pets and anything else she wanted to talk about. Always stayed at my side. But didn't once annoy me. My favorite!

Evaluation: Overall, couldn't ask for a better field teacher, cabin leader buddy, and cabin group.

From day one I thought my set of kids would be great. When we got to our cabin they all kept telling me how they wanted me as their cabin leader, if not me then Tiger Lily..but everyone wanted Tiger Lily because she was the pretty blond girl, aha. And almost my whole group of kids were blonde-haired blue-eyed kids. I am now completely accustomed to "Naaarwhaaal" said in a tiny cute voice, followed by a request, story, joke, or miscellaneous statement to get my attention. We all got pretty attached to each other. They were attached to me like sticky on honey and they carved out their own little spaces in my little heart. I didn't know I'd like being with kids so much. They heard me cuss. They heard me talk to Ian. They asked me personal questions. They exhausted me. They made me laugh. They kept me up. They told me I was the best cabin leader ever. For these five days, they were my everything. And I wouldn't change any minute of it. Probably, not even the mud and rain. I'll have to throw away my shoes and wash my clothes till they're ripped into shreds, but these kids were worth it.

Final Thoughts: I already miss my cabin kids. I already miss being at camp. And... I'm upset I forgot to bring my camera. NAAARWHAAAL. The same camp songs are playing in my head.

Snow.

Babydoll,

You will survive this week with out us! Don't worry! We'll be back before you know, and like I mentioned, we are going to lovingly reunite!

French3 will be a breeeeze. Right?! You've been doing so well. Fox and I were just talking about how proud we are of you. And if anything Ian will be there if you need assistance. He'll probably bug you at lunch too! He'll just love your company. He really wants to be bestfriends... aha.

Have a very good week darling!

I love you! I will miss you. I will see you soon.

W.

ADF.

Darling,

It's 8:53am, and my cabin leader buddies must be taking their time because I am just sitting, waiting, anxious.

Thank you for visiting me this morning. I really thought I wasn't going to see you before I leave, which is very unlike us. So thanks to you, I had a terrific kickstart morning.

I'm going to miss you very much. I hope you don't lose touch with reality through out the week with out me. I know it'll get tough baby, but I'll be back to make you sane again, AHA.

Fortunately this week, you can eat more during lunch because I'm not there to leech off your money with my cravings. And you can eat your favorite chips! Because I won't be there to complain about the taste in your mouth! Unless someone else will be there to complain about the taste in your mouth... My only hope is that it'll be Van, Gabe, Jake, etc. Not some boring girl. Some dull, boring girl that for some reason, sparks your fancy.

Have lots of bromance time and Tay time! Spend some time with Tay while were gone. Be the best friends that you always wanted to be! Aha I know you love Tay!

Before I leave, remember that I love you very much. And I'll miss seeing your face these next 5 days. So the next time I see you, I might attack you. You have been warned.

W.

PS. Remember, boys don't cry. Men don't cry! Suck it up babe, cmon now..
IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!

Cabin Leader; Quinn Pats Narwhal

Hello World,

Will you miss me? OF COURSE YOU WILL. I am the highlight of your week, the sweetest part of your day, and the cherry to top your nights. My absence this week will present you with agonizing difficulties. You'll ache, and yearn, and long for my very existence. But don't you worry. I'll be back before you know it. I know you won't forget about me.

W.

PS. This will be fantastic.

New Album SOON?

A part of me will always be a sucker for MCR d:

Favorite Album? Easy, I Brought You My Bullets...

If It Kills Me

God...

I miss you.. so much.

Quel heure est-il?

Il est deux heures du matin, exactement.

My friday:

SHUTTER ISLAND.

Mind is blown. I highly recommend.

My friday:

Every weekday morning, it gets more difficult to wake up. First thoughts in my head lately have been 1) Ian. 2) DROP OUT OF SCHOOL FUCK THIS SHIT. and 3) Did I finish homework?

And we only had a 4day week this week. Most exhausted I've been. It's why I couldn't wait for Friday. Friday meant Shutter Island and that meant good things.

Shutter Island broke my bad movie streak in the theaters. Since...since when? This year so far I've watched...Avatar, Dear John, Valentine's Day, Lovely Bones... and they've all been either lame, disappointing, or just bad. Shutter Island was not a disappoint. Not lame. Not bad. It was just GOOD.

I've been at the movies every weekend for the past like...4 weekends. And I've been in some double-dates lately. Tonight was my first double-date night with Fox and Yuri. Ian loves Yuri.... very very...VERY much. They are very cute.

I am very very tired. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore.

D'accord, bonne nuit.

IS IT FRIDAY YET.

Passive VS. Indifferent

Crocodiles Cry

I was having a very calm and easy night, thinking about good things and thinking about a good sleep. Then I got this sudden urge to listen to Disintegration, so I did. But now I'm feeling semi-sad. I don't know how The Cure could have that such an effect on me, but they do.

Like today, Ian and I walked into AM/PM and this upbeat pop song was playing with the most familiar voice and I knewwww it was Robert Smith. And I was washed over with a wave of happiness. I was dancing and bouncing and smiling everywhere! When the song ended, I was left with this euphoric aftertaste. ...Then Vampire Weekend played and..my happiness just continued on.

Just saying, THE CURE.

Guess What I Found!

This is an entry I wrote from last summer, when Ian came back from Nevada. Morning after the first firepit night. I never realized that that morning was the beginning of when we started saying "I'll see you whenever..."

-
Second Chances

I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...

I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.

He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.

From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.

He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.

Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.

The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.

His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.

We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.

I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.

"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.

I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.

I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."

And since then, I haven't been the same.

PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.

Morrissey

So good that a purple, zebra-striped whale is named after you.

Home; Tuesday Afternoon; From Fox

This made me realize that hey, I like me.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A CHILD:
1. Play now, work later
2. Laugh at childish things
3. Idk, jeez.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:
1. My knees pop when I bend them
2. I'm very concerned about weather and season
3. I soak my dentures every night... :D

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:
1. Have my house
2. Travel
3. EVERYTHING

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “GIRL”:
1. Take forever to get ready
2. Someone holds my books for me (not optional)
3. I whine about my insecurities sometimes

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Oooh a car!
2. Have an amazing summer
3. Figure out..what I want. Hah.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. GREAT taste in music :D
2. Idc what people say, I like the exaggerated arch of my feet
3. I am TERRIFIC.

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. When I think with emotions. That shit pisses me off
2. Short torso
3. I don't think I have a talent.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Rats with wings
2. Not doing what I want
3. commitment,

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Music
2. Aloe/water
3. Ian

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (OR SAME) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Be a MAN.
2. Humor/amaze me
3. Smile lines. Ian's smile lines.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. NOT be terrific
2. Know what I want for the future
3. Dance.........

THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:
1. Teach English ...in France!
2. Florist. Completely random.
3. Sniper..

Valentine's?

Was cute.

I spent it with the married couple Aiza and Brian, and my Ian during the day.

And by night, I was with Fox and Yuri and Vag and Cody and Tam and Dmitri and Phillippe and my Ian for a firepit night.

I came home today and my headache came back.

Well, I've had a very good weekend.

POOP!!

It takes so long to upload videos, so I just show you my favorite one of the Aiza Sleepover Night! Cheese puff poop.. I was trying to launch it off my navel.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Alice Ayres

I'd forgotten how much I love this movie, thanks to SG to remind me. Definitely a favorite. It's 3:14am and I had just finished reuniting with it.

1:15am

I still have the same exact headache. And I'm very afraid to fall asleep. I've got this feeling in my stummy...or..somewhere down there that tells me it's either anxiety or my need to urinate. And I definitely don't think I need to pee.

Right thigh sore from badminton. Just the right.

10:56am

I call this sleep session The World's Throbbing Headache. I didn't even transfer in my room last night. By the time I woke up around 3am, my head was already trying to kill me. Literally expanding and imploding. As I felt the pain half asleep, I really convinced myself that I had a brain tumor. Brain cancer perhaps? And that I'll be dying in a few weeks once I wake up. I kept trying to figure out why I could be in so much pain...

Then I recalled yesterday after lunch when I found Aiza fuddling at her locker, dropping almost every single object she was holding. I approached her, asked what she was doing, then banged my head on the locker in front of me. It's so natural that I do things like that..that neither of us even reacted to it. It wasn't deliberate..but it was purposely. And now I want to die.

Badminton practice today. Ready.

Incomplete?

Feeling sad when I'm in school is the worst. I usually don't because I'm too distracted with people and work and other things that just keep my mind off. But today just wasn't the day.

I was just walking. Just walking in the middle of the quad, the sun streaming down, my jacket off, my hair pulled back, and it should've felt great. But oh I felt sad. I kept feeling sad and I kept thinking how sad I felt. The weather was so delightful but I stayed so quiet and so distant from the world. I hated that. I felt so vulnerable in such a public place.

It felt like tears were about to stroll down if I kept sitting on that bench staring at nothing and thinking nothing and saying nothing. So I stood up, and we walked home. The most silent walk ever until we reached the World's Longest Stoplight where I began spilling my guts.

I started to feel better untillllll he left and I had to get on my work. Even Cynthia commented on my mood today. I kept apologizing and told her I just felt very sick and sluggish. Even with Dean's bright sunshine mood there I couldn't help but feel sad.

Being complete is like a comet. Only comes ever so often and goes by just as fast as it came. I am in the snore-neck stage. I'm staring up waiting for a comet. I'm waiting for the next time I'll feel complete again. I'm just starting to feel the sadness of a dark sky, you know?

Incomplete? Only for now.

RV

I promise I didn't mean to come across this but I did and well, it was nice to read. This is my sister, RV. People always leave. But we're both here for each other, no matter what.

In Need Of A New Smell

The cousin of Daisy by Marc Jacobs; Lola. Yeah, I don't think I love it. Or like it. I don't know. But I am in need of a new smell. My VS filler smell is running out. Options? Lemon by Marc Jacobs or Cucumber by Marc Jacobs. I'm leaning towards Cucumber. Very spring, no?

Divine Intervention

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

-Finishing my homework
-Being the meanest and most eccentric TA
-Nyquil (love and hate)
-NJ !!! The best person.
-SLEEP.
-Saving Face and Imagine Me and You
-Olivia Wilde, oh you knowwwww.
-Fistfighting with Ian.

Hm, not much lately. I've been occupied.

I Need You So Much Closer

Transatlanticism.

Ian hasn't stayed for a family dinner in a little while, so I was very happy that he was here tonight. I love when he's here with the family. I truly do feel complete when he's with us, chatting and laughing and joking and eating. He's always insisting on doing the dishes and he knows I hate dishes. Even if I yell at him, he'll keep doing it. So I end up doing it with him, no matter how much I dislike it.

He went to volleyball today. I thought it was very random and cute of him. God, everyday, I really do realize how much I love him. It's ridiculous. He always disproves my beliefs in relationships before he happened. I don't know how. It just tells me that... it really is about the person. It's not about the principles or situations. It's about the person. And it just feels like... he's for me. Because... he's always so good to me. And then some.

"I need you so much closer." Just a good song.

Wristcutters: A Love Story

A favorite.

I'm in my English class, Tinez-less because Superbowl was yesterday and he's probably too hung over. His mom is here for a sub and we are watching Troy. I'm irritated because Paris and Helen are stupid. They've pulled a Romeo and Juliet and that really just piss me off.

So stupid.

Black Stained Pillow

That's what every dreadful morning should be titled. When I don't wash off the night before and it stays on my pillows to remind me just how horrible it was. You know what I'm talking about. Like your misery is the prints that your mascara left behind. My eyes won't stop stinging. I still hate this.

This day feels so damn long. It's 10:51pm, and I want to be in bed, asleep and unconscious and dreamless. But tonight, either I won't find sleep, or if I do, I'd have to take a few swallows of Nyquil beforehand and my sleep will pretend things are ok. Then I'll be dreaming the strangest of dreams and I'll wake up and I won't feel better.

I'm constantly asked how I am feeling. I really don't mind, I just don't know how to answer. And when I do, I probably just sound absurd.

Some moments of my days are better than others. It's easier when I'm with Ian. But with everything, my worst fear is clinging on to him. I don't want to. It's just nice to really know someone is there. I hope I don't acknowledge it too much. I'm too afraid.

Why do I have so much to say? But every time I reread over, it doesn't feel like I'm saying anything at all. What I don't like about dealing with things is that I pack everything on atop one another. I dig up other things in my head so that I won't have to deal with what's at present.

I think that's why I've been looking through old pictures from the past. Pictures with people that have completed me before, completely different from the people that complete me now. And I'm trying to figure out how I got to where I am now. I keep thinking about how much people have come and gone. And how it'll just keep going at this. And how I always have to accept it.

God, I need some sleep.

Don't make someone feel like they mean to you more than they really do. It's mean. It's really mean.

I Hate This

No matter what distractions I have for myself, which homework I have to do, which people I can spend my time with, what movies I could watch, music to listen, which thoughts ram together, I can't escape the fact that I end up thinking of you.

And how you won't be here. How we just went seven days with out anything, and when we finally reach each other, you tell me you're leaving. Sometimes I want to force myself to be mad at you for choosing to leave because I want to avoid being sad. I can't even talk about you. I can't even think of you.

When I watched Dear John the other day, every part of me was shaking to tears because I kept thinking of you. And the movie was shitty, but I kept thinking of you anyway.

When we cried there by my doorway yesterday, when you watched me cry and cry and not say anything and not look at you. When I let myself pour out the thought of not having you. I hate this. I hate this. And I hate that you're gone.

I want to go back. I want to go back so that I can have you again. I just want my best friend. I want to piss and moan and cry and throw a fit and scream and yell and call out for you. I want to go back. If anything.

These three months will hit me like a big swollen rock. Seven days was a long time. The longest we went with out each other. I counted every day and thought about every day. And I missed you every day.

I can't believe you're not here anymore. Three months already feel like the longest days of my life.

My last words to you,

I love you.

Today,

The day I've been dreading for months has come sooner than I could imagine.

I get to be as sad as I want.

Photoshoots From Yesterday

They were so fun! Even if I had to endure through the strangest of obstacles just so she can get the perfect picture. Her passion for photography was sooo goood!

I don't know why I've been looking through old pictures lately, but I have. I keep coming across the ones that I've completely forgotten. But they're all very sweet. Especially when I come across the ones with past boyfriends. Oh hoho! How strange for me to see myself with someone other than Ian. But sweet, all very sweet.

'My unwillingness to strive for the extra mile to your unwillingness to trudge on halfway...'

One of the most horrible things you can do is lie to yourself. Lying to other people is one thing. But when you lose your own truth, then no one else around you can have the truth. Which means there's no truth at all.
How important is the truth to you?

I am so snotty and congested that I used up all the breakdown tissues to satisfy my very fed up noes.

I have lost my complete sense of taste and smell. The house provides me with no Nyquil. My voice is cracky, weak, and throaty. And Chief is rudely peeing on my window.

Tell me this isn't the best night of my life.

SHORT SHORTS

Last summer, we couldn't go anywhere until she cleaned her room. So almost every time we wanted to adventure, we had to clean her room. Enjoyable time. Her room--as she's stated--usually looks like what could be present day Hiroshima. So a clean MakaylaRoom is a miraculous moment. YAAAYE!

Smarty Pants

I was just testing something out to make sure the upload thing worked. And it does. But here they are anyway. Playing a game they invented instead of tutoring her with francais trois!

Pangs

It's like not knowing anymore. And it's strange to feel this strange. It's these pangs. Everything around me that's trying to make sense of it. These pangs.

It's like not knowing anymore. Like strangers. And I hate every minute of it.

Forward.

H.

"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?"

-"It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist."

"I would have been a disaster in the Garden of Eden. I'm terrible with temptation."

-Olivia Wilde.

ADF, Nicest Person Ever

If you don't agree with me, then you've never had a second with him.

It's almost impossible not to like him, or love him. And I'm not just saying that because he's the love of my life and that I'm completely and ridiculously head over heels for him. But really, he's just the best, most amazing person to know, to have.

And no one will be luckier than me. Because he loves ME. Since I've had him, I can't imagine myself be with anyone else, because they'll just feel like anything less.

Adrian Del Fierro is the most beautiful person I know, hands down.

(Aha wow I need to stop blogging about him..)

Big Sigh

I can't stop thinking about how amazing today was. We always have the best times, but why was today so much more than it usually is?

There's nothing left to say other than saying...

I am in love with a unicorn. The prettiest, most beautiful unicorn in the whole world.

LOL.

GrandeTete

I hate the end of the day when I know it keeps getting darker. And I don't say anything. I just sigh, and always, you always bargain ten more minutes for me. A whole hour of ten more minutes.

You're the sweetest part of my day.

I hate that I keep sitting here, thinking of what I could say about you. But nothing's ever good enough. And the most remote thing running through my mind is this song...

"'Show me show me show me how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream' she said . 'The one that makes me laugh' she said. And threw her arms around my neck. 'Show me how you do it And I promise you I promise that I'll run away with you. I'll run away with you.'

Spinning round that dizzy edge, I kissed her face I kisser her head. And dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow. 'Why are you so far away?' she said. 'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you? That I'm in love you.'

You
soft and only
You
lost and lonely
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream."

-Just Like Heaven, The Cure

I wish there was a better way.