So, I should let myself put it this way.

I saunter through every which way I can break it, I can go back to it, I can let it swallow me whole and maybe, like I want to, I can disappear. But as it swallows me whole, I just provoke, and provoke and it's as if I never wanted anything but the comfort of BEING swallowed whole. Never though, I never disappear.

It is too warm in my quarters. It is too comfortable, it is too unkind, as it patronizes me and unleashes the advocate in the devil. With just that, glassy eyes to the ceiling, mouth partially open, I refuse to even defend myself anymore. Just a little sensitive, they know I can't take it. Maybe he does too. Or maybe he hasn't caught on.

"There is something wrong with me..." And I stop there, right before I think I might be able to release. They won't understand, they won't look at it the same. But I feel like they know. Like they knew before I did. They just don't know what it is I have the potential to do.

Never on paper because I don't expect you to understand...

The every single night, I open the door to the cold, your shoes just put on, and you pull me out with you, I was capable of letting myself. Eyes like I've never seen them before. They're so small, so dark, and gentle as ever. You felt so strong just then, like you can take me over and take me on and even as I refuse and deny you, you could've won me. You could've had me pegged just then. Just then, but I still could never belong to anybody.

What I'd give to see you like that the every single time. What I'd give to have you look at me like that, the every single time.

Just then.

_