The disadvantages of my being content and happy is that I no longer strive for anything better. I don't intend to try any harder or try to exceed further. It's frustrating really because when I'm happy like this, I lose motivation and I just go with the flow. Yes, sometimes going with the flow just isn't good. At least in this case.
I'm letting things settle on their own, and I don't work hard. It's just stressful to me, and I avoid the stresses of life. I believe that things will work themselves out and no matter what, I'll be alright. Everything will be alright. School for example. I'd never liked school. I didn't mind going because I like to socialize, especially when I was younger. I like to be out of the house. But it's very rare that anything relating to school interests me enough to compel me.
Right now, I've done enough that I can easily graduate. But I'm doing terribly in Chemistry and my parents are pissed off at me. And I sat there at the dinner table this evening and listened to my dad tell me I'm irresponsible. And he's so mad, but I sat there and said nothing. I sat there and stared at the little details of my house that I no longer acknowledge on a daily basis while he vented his frustrations at me. It's like I didn't care, but a part of me wanted to. And a part of me just wanted to get kicked out. They just wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand if I opened my mouth. They want me to say what they want to hear.
I'm not my sister. I'm not built to do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it. I don't follow like that. I don't wake up in the morning and accept my responsibilities. I go with how things go with out putting forth too much effort. Basically, I do what I want. And that makes me irresponsible and selfish, but I get my happiness and for now I'm fine with that. Hm. I don't know how absurd I sound at the moment. I don't know how to clearly explain myself, but I guess I really don't need to, so fuck it.
All I know is I'm looking for something. Something bigger than this, bigger than what my parents want of me. Bigger than what I can only imagine. Something for me. I'm looking for my purpose. And while I try to figure out what exactly it is I want, then I'll be in search, and I'm definitely going about it my way. I hope I find it someday. I'd hate to die not finding my purpose.
I'm letting things settle on their own, and I don't work hard. It's just stressful to me, and I avoid the stresses of life. I believe that things will work themselves out and no matter what, I'll be alright. Everything will be alright. School for example. I'd never liked school. I didn't mind going because I like to socialize, especially when I was younger. I like to be out of the house. But it's very rare that anything relating to school interests me enough to compel me.
Right now, I've done enough that I can easily graduate. But I'm doing terribly in Chemistry and my parents are pissed off at me. And I sat there at the dinner table this evening and listened to my dad tell me I'm irresponsible. And he's so mad, but I sat there and said nothing. I sat there and stared at the little details of my house that I no longer acknowledge on a daily basis while he vented his frustrations at me. It's like I didn't care, but a part of me wanted to. And a part of me just wanted to get kicked out. They just wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand if I opened my mouth. They want me to say what they want to hear.
I'm not my sister. I'm not built to do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it. I don't follow like that. I don't wake up in the morning and accept my responsibilities. I go with how things go with out putting forth too much effort. Basically, I do what I want. And that makes me irresponsible and selfish, but I get my happiness and for now I'm fine with that. Hm. I don't know how absurd I sound at the moment. I don't know how to clearly explain myself, but I guess I really don't need to, so fuck it.
All I know is I'm looking for something. Something bigger than this, bigger than what my parents want of me. Bigger than what I can only imagine. Something for me. I'm looking for my purpose. And while I try to figure out what exactly it is I want, then I'll be in search, and I'm definitely going about it my way. I hope I find it someday. I'd hate to die not finding my purpose.
