Excluding the drunken calls that I'm relentlessly receiving from Leo, the rest of the night has been silent. I tried occupying myself with uploading photos from the past days but I truly am too tired for that. So I think I'll just blog like I used to.
It's silent because clearly at this hour, the house would be asleep. Every time I stay awake passed 2, I feel younger again. Like I'm 4 years younger again. Especially when it's this silent and my thoughts are this loud.
Except... I would always turn on the music tuned way down. And I would still sing along. And my phone would always buzz and vibrate. And my fingers would fall off texting the people that I never got sick of.
But I've been forgetting about the past. Too hooked on the present and future, and I think I'm better of leaving the past alone anyway. The past depresses me. And it reminds me of things that give me chest pains and then I have trouble breathing.
The future is always more promising. It's easier to be happy when I think about the future. The present kind of puts me on autopilot. It makes me hover on the same spot. But the future, I could put my bets on the future, and it wouldn't let me down. Or at least, it couldn't bring me down.
Do you know what I do the majority of the time when I'm home? I spend the time getting ready. Finding something to wear, or fussing with my hair. I'm in here, and I think about being out there. God... I don't know where this entry has taken me.
But I think it's the safest to say that I am just very confused and very tired. And I don't know how to compose my thoughts into paragraphs. Maybe I'll just call it a night.
I feel like I have so much to say..
But I'm holding back like my fingers are full of secrets.
I keep holding back.
