This guy! Look at him with the guitar! Bossbossbossbossbossboss...

Puking Flowers

There's a different sense of satisfaction you get when happiness finds you, as to you trying to find happiness. I understood the concept of always choosing happiness, and ever since I heard this speech from my coach, I took the liberty of pursuing a lifestyle like such. I don't know if luck is on my side, or if I am just being prolonged for karma to hit me HARD someday.

But I am the most fortunate person I know. And no matter what happens, no matter which people I lose, which I gain, which clothes I wear, or how I cut my hair. I still end up being very happy at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I just lay in the dark, and think of everyone. Everyone in my life that I can think of at that moment. I acknowledged how they have impacted me, insignificant or unforgettable, and I remind myself.. how can anyone ask for more? If I had any more than what I have, well it would be excessive, wouldn't it? Or so it feels like it.

And yes I catch myself acting up sometimes, but I can still make mistakes, no matter how fortunate, right?

At the end of the day...

I have won what I can win. The things that matter most. And I am glad to know that I cannot be broken down into severed, unrecognizable little pieces. And no, not because I always put a guard up. But because, it's refreshing and relieving to know that if anyone was to break me, it could only be me. I have learned to give myself that power only, at this moment in my life. And if I find that person again, that person that can break me down, well, I can only imagine how well I'll come out of that hell. Because with this one, I feel damn good.

I don't mean to sound as if I am bragging, because.. well actually I could be. But no, that's not my point. My point is...

I was that girl that cried over every fucking little bad thing that happened to me. I fell to my knees at the small sign of something bad. I was so incredibly weak, and so incredibly spoiled, that no one else could have hated me as much as I hated myself. And I was at it, moping, sulking and skulking around like there was no one else in the world but me. But I left that part of me, somewhere back there. And here I am, taking control, and taking responsibility.

I choose to live completely now. I know, about time right?

It's 4:39pm

I am at home, waiting for time to take me. Do you know what I am about to do? I am going to watch The Ugly Truth again, because that movie just makes me happy. And a little bit horny. Yeah.

Do you know what I just did? I stole Stone Fox's bad ass sniper camera, and whored in the quiet of my own room. It was amusing. And now Tam is on her way to pick me up. Noycee included. She'll finally meet Kenneth. Well,

I'll blog this shit later. Aha damnnnnnnnnnn.

Two years already

The 29th!

I remember last summer, the Anything Else but the Truth summer. I found some of my dignity back and built myself again my own way. Now I can't even imagine being who that was. I was messy, and spewing out my guts. That was tiring. That always made me tired.

"Two years have passed and nothing's changed, it's alright. Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright. There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back. There is only one thing to be said and it's alright..."

I'm having an It's Blitz! summer, and New Again. It's satisfying, and tasteful. And I'm feeling so bloody good, I could fall off the face of the planet happily. Two years have passed, and things have really changed...

"Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me

Hysteric, hysterical..."

Deep breaths.

I wrestled with my thoughts on my bed, 5 am early this morning, dying for sleep.

I heard the startling vibration of my phone on my headboard. I reached up for it, scratched my head about who could possibly be texting me at the dead of the morning.

It read:

"Damn, I miss you."

I smiled to myself for a moment, and immediately fell fast asleep.

It's exactly 12:00 pm, JB is sitting on my couch. He's been here every day all week. I fortunately never get tired of him.

Mama went back to work today. I feel the loneliness of lunch with out love. Cold, Chinese take-out lunch that my father rushes home to bring us. I hate it. I've always hated it. It's the same order, no matter how different they sound. And no matter how many times he asks us what we want, we end up with the same menu we'd had the day before. I hate being home for lunch when Mama doesn't cook. It feels so cold, so unloved.

Frost

I was resisting the will to shiver because the wind was cold enough to freeze me raw. But I was warm, we were so warm.

Time to Pretend, and the windows rolled down in a party fashion, heads stuck out of the silver speed, and we flew.

We were in near tears because of the speed and the cold and the wind that so hospitably graced us with its divine gift. Electric Feel.

I looked to my left, she smiled to me through her hair. And our hairs whipped us in the face, and warmly smelled like wind. Like wind that you want to come home with, with your heart bursting out of your shirt, and evidently smeared on your face.

Where is your amazement?

Because we we're just...

Infinite.

Pulled an Angie

Well fuck YOU.

Yes, this is precisely for you.

You crying infant.

Fuck. You.

And...

This cold is letting me believe that those summers only existed in different worlds I'd once been. But I told her today, and every chance I get that I'm proud of myself, and she tells me she's proud of me too. And then, we agree and banter on about what always started as something wonderful.

And then she told me, that if he leaves her, I'll be there to put her together like she's done to me. And I couldn't agree more, because I'd told myself that I would before I ever even acknowledged it all. And right now, knowing what I know, I always find fright at the thought of losing someone. And she's just one of those people I couldn't bare to ever imagine with out now. And I'm changing inside and outside and left and right and upside down, napping and being clever, singing those songs and finding music back with someone.

And my sister. My sister's feelings coincide appropriately toward the way people are in my life. When someone is good to me, she knows it, and she adores that person. But when things go a little haywire, she feels it, and she holds a sort of resentment knowing that things aren't good anymore. My sister adores her. Every time she walks in through our front door, or when we see her in public places, she screams her name and runs to her like a loyal, happy puppy. And I always know, that I can trust my judgment based on my sister. Because her emotional attachments are only based on my happiness. And how much more can I ask for? Those she resent... Well, we only reminisce in a fashion that makes us shake our heads, or remember how happy we were.

I have learned enough that nothing ever really lasts. And things end and begin for a reason so that we understand how important these people are. I have no regrets in life, and am just looking forward, and moving to that direction. Where ever it will take me this time around.

And she's not the only one that's showing me the good that we have of life. She just brings it out of me and of her the most.

And for that I will be thankful. Like always.

7 days.

Where are you my muse?

I woke up at 3 something in the morning in frantic panic. Exactly 3:21 am, I told myself to wake the hell up because I had no intentions of having another heart attack in the morning, racing with time.

So, it was 3, my judgment hazy, and I looked out my window where I saw something I loved to see. And the moon has been gone for a week or two, so nothing has been watching me sleep. But I looked out, and the sky was red.

I then realized I had 3 more hours to sleep, and so I breathed the sky in and buried myself deep under the comforter where I slept deep.

PS. Where are you muse? I'm feeling rather empty now.

I have a problem with man babies. I hate ever thinking the thoughts "grow a pair" in my head. It upsets me that I could find that phrase to want to say to someone.

PS. Our bathroom is under construction. I feel incredibly weird about showering in my parents room. Where there are no doors that separates bathroom from bedroom.

And I am so lacking in sleep.

Here, listen to some good, happy music provided by the best that the world has to offer. DANCE!

And no this video has nothing to do with MJ's death. At all.

It is 2:04 am and I am sitting here aching about this movie. And I keep thinking to myself, Anthony Green must have really loved this movie because the whole album Juturna was inspired by this. Because of this movie, Anthony managed to create something so utterly amazing with Circa Survive.

Every time I watch this movie, the part when their house at the beach crumbles, and she whispers "Meet me in Montauk" I choke up. It gets to me every time. Yes, this movie always amazes me.

I remember watching it for the first time years ago with my dad. He didn't like it because he said it gave him a headache, aha. But it was stupefying to me. And I've loved it since. My dad watches good movies.

And now, every time I watch this movie, or hear this song, I think of when the weather is cold, and of the things that have me tangled but keeps me on my toes.

Circa Survive + Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind = I unbelievably miss winter.

What do you find amazing?

PS.

Leave just as you came (without a sound),
Nothing to ruffle your ends.

I've been wandering around,
Making up movies in my head
So we say don't let it go,
let me try and pull out pride.
I already forget how I used to feel about you

Leave as fast you came, no invitation
Nowhere to go from here.

I've been wandering around,
Wondering how I got so, got so, so fucking boring
All the sudden, so fucking scared... I'm not scared.
You'd mean so much more to me if I remembered.

I am a napper now.

I nap at every opportunity I can steal. You can probably feel the grooves that my body left on my couch. Yes, I never nap in my room. In fact, I have been sleeping on my couch for two straight nights. I'm really not sure why, I'd just been too lazy to drag myself to bed. Aha, yes I know.

Do you know what makes me sad? The fact that 500 Days of Summer is currently only playing at SF. I don't know when it'll be in town, but I am anticipating it to the highest extent. I intend on watching it maybe around 5 times in theaters with all different people. Maybe once in SF.

I have nothing more important to mention.

PS.
Guess what made me very happy.

"When I come back..."

"Is trust really that fucking hard
(A gesture of faith in me)
You make it so, and you let go within the circle
(blasphemy so regularly, right?)
Everyone knows what you wear
The face of doubt
To live without
(Honestly we're deceiving each other)

You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
and take every word from me
(Fighting everyone that I see
Learning when and where not to be)
You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
And make every word taste sweet"

It gives me the Sunday night feeling, and I feel so sad. And I think of how good it makes me feel, and how good it is to me, and how I am reminded. I am always reminded. I let this penetrate me, and only this. For now..

"My invasion of thoughts is your caviar"

"Holy shit she smells like heaven

...Been best friends since we were eleven And oh my god I like her. Yeah I heard you like her."

That's what she said.

Laughlaughlaugh.

I was measured for my cotillion dress today. I am not a girl

I had my hair cut today. I am not a girl.

I wore a skirt today. I am not a girl.

And I'll be wearing a dress tomorrow I think. I still am not a girl.

Anyway, I'm not compelled to write anything really.

But I am excited for August.

There are some people, when they talk to me about things, I really want to sincerely say...

Shut the fuck up.

Do you ever just have one of those days?

Breakfast date to candy dinner.

Summer by Calvin Klein.

Mkyl, you are always so good to me.

Makayla freakin' Dias, blog something for petesake! I miss reading your entries T-T

So,

Sister and I were talking a lot about relationships and guys today. She's feeling lonely again, and wants desperately for a boy that sweeps her off her feet. Aha, she's got quite a few lined up, but none of her standards I suppose. Why I mention this? I honestly cannot even remember...

All I know is that as of right now, I am absolutely fine. I've had a few people ask me whether I regret the decision I made, and I confidently answer no. I am well aware of the decision that I'd chosen and it's what I think is best.

At first, I thought it'd be too early for closure, but I think I actually had my timing right this time. I saw myself fall apart in one week. The perfection of my junior year, the majority of it, crumbled in one week. And it wasn't as if I was completely broken, because I have been there before. I've seen myself in worse situations and I have dug myself out of even deeper holes. But this one, I decided to save my skin before I chose to lay myself down that hole and become trapped like I had been in my pasts. There is no way in hell that I'm keeping another circle always at present in my life anymore. Hello Fate.

I catch myself feeling lost sometimes, seeing some things differently from the way I had before, and feeling a new person in me. But I am convinced that everything will be alright, because it will be! I don't know where I found this optimism, maybe from the comfort of my friends.

I may be with out a boyfriend now! But...

I still have my Jabes.

Still have my Makay.

Still have my Tay.

And, I still have Cache Creek this weekend with my family.

OH, and Warped Tour to look forward to in August! O_O!

PS.

Jabe's birthday : July 29

Dean's birthday: August 4

Makay's: August 10.

All 6 days apart. And I'm broke. What the fffff do I do...

What I do when there's summer school:

-Irritatedly wake up at 6 something and find enough pieces of clothing appropriate to go to school. My bangs have been bringing me down.

-Carpool with Makay and Kenneth from Tam, good morning to the most glorious white people.

-3 infuriating hours in English, listening to Martinez talk shit about everything in the world (it can be quite entertaining) and then to a group of imbeciles who talk about how much they love shrooms. Oh and try not to fall fast asleep.

-Break time means nothing. Everyone usually goes home because they only have one class. But sometimes they stay. Makayla walks Kenneth and me to our classes, and then she goes home to sleep a holy sleep.

-3 infuriating hours in Algebra, shriveling in the same repetitive process that the teacher decides to take. WarmUp, Notes, Classwork, Quiz, Notes, Classwork.

-Pick up Kenneth from where ever he walks from and then we go to TAK and wait for Makay and Tam.

-"How was school? La la la." And on the ride home, Kenneth screams all kinds of things at people on the sidewalks while Tami is going a thousand miles per hour. "SLUT!" is the most popular exclamation.

-"Thanks Tam, Love you Makay, see you guys later! La la la." Then Kenneth yells something outside of my house, "VIRGINITY IS OVERRATED!"

-I walk in my house, Noycee yells, "Are you with Makayla I miss Makayla Where is she?" I text Makay about my sister's adoration for her, she tells me that I'm still her favorite nonetheless, then I pig out.

-THEN, I nap a glorious nap till whenever dinner is.

-After dinner means I attempt to write.

-After failing my attempt to write, I give up, lay around, and kill enough time so that I shower late.

-I shower, I text, I talk, I fall asleep on who ever was the unfortunate person who decided they want to converse late at night with someone who has summer school the next morning.

And that starts all over again. Every day. Until this summer school shit thing ends.

There's no summer heat, there's no summer plans. It has been incredibly dull lately.

I'm just so glad we have Fridays off.

Fck this was a waste of entry.

Lately,

I've been wanting to set things straight. Not just things, everything. With everyone. And all these things that I need to do something about before I wake up one morning more lost and directionless than the day before. Which is actually taking place...now.

I am done sleeping and sobbing on my bed like the little bitch that I know I am no longer. NO! I'm better than that now.

What I'm saying is...

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

Fingers

In bold letters, the note read, “Missing.” Immediately, he felt a surge of worry, a surge of panic. And he bit his nail. He bit down hard.

He sat hunched at the foot of his bed, his right foot shaking steadily on top of his left knee. He took a deep breath, placed the note lightly on the floor, and laid his back flat on top of the mattress.

A smile smeared across his face now. He chuckled just slightly, and then closed his eyes for the longest nap he’ll ever take.

When he woke up, the clock blinked 3:35 and it bled dark outside of his window. His phone rang just then as he rubbed the sleep off of his eyes. He rose slowly and dragged his feet to the phone to meet with its annoying ringing. When he picked it up, he flung it across the room with enough force that shattered the phone in half making one final crashing sound. Then it was quiet again.

He headed to the bathroom where the mess still stationed. It was as if nothing but the smell of bleach was there. He washed his face and shook his head. As he brought his face up, he grew more intently on the reflection on the mirror. Dark circles devoured the color of his eyes. He was pale blue and creases were stamped endlessly across his face.

There were two knocks on his front door, just two and nothing more. He stuck his head out of the bathroom, glared at the front door, and steadied himself decent.

Walking casually towards it, he whistled cheerily through the silence. He put on a swagger and face too light for the time at present.

He swung the door open. It’s her, he thought. He smiled anyway. “What can I do for you?”

She smiled wryly and pushed him aside. She entered his home with confidence, but slowed at the creep of his living room. All the lights were off except for the bathroom.

“Where is she?” She demanded emotionlessly. “I know she’s been here.”

He chuckled to himself, shut the door behind him, and slowed toward her.

“There is no one else here but you and me. Now who is this ‘she’ that you’re looking for?”

She blinked several times, took the deepest of breaths. She emoted very little in reaction to him.

“I don’t have very much time. We’re leaving tomorrow,” she mentioned.

He walked to the couch, sat himself down, and motioned for her to sit too. She shook her head, of course, and stood stiffly in the dark.

She couldn’t see him now, the dark had taken him. But she knew that he was staring at her, waiting to speak further.

“I really need you to tell me where she is,” she continued. “We don’t want to leave with out her. She hates it when we do.”

“I’m sure things have changed. Feel free to leave when you please. If I see her and she is unhappy, I’ll be sure to tell her that you’d completely considered her before leaving.”

She pursed her lips. There’s really no need in further searching for her, she thought. And he’d felt her convinced.

“I suppose I’ll be leaving now. I’m sorry to have disturbed you at this hour. This all was just so sudden and so urgent. I took all actions I had to take,” she explained. “If you see her, please let her know that she knows exactly where we will be and that we apologize for the abandonment.”

He smiled wide enough to see the pearliness of his teeth even in the dark. She gasped for some air at the sight of this, and her reaction further pleased him.

“It is not a problem at all. Please have a safe trip,” he stood up, and pushed her gently to the door.

She stood for a second facing him just outside of his door, and he knew that she knew. But he also knew that there was nothing she was going to do about it.

“Goodbye now,” she said, and faced him away, walking as steadily as she could.

“Goodbye,” he whispered through his teeth and firmly closed the door behind him.

He walked swiftly back to his bedroom, switched on the light, and tilted his head at the sight of what the foot of his bed had exposed.

-
These dreams. They have me waking in cold sweat.

She told me that I'm doing better than she did. And I agree. I agree completely. But at the stage I'm in, it is so easy to feel like the biggest asshole.

I am sorry that I am dragon queen. I cannot find myself baring myself completely as how I'd used to before. It's exhausting that way you know. I'd feel so naked, so exposed, so unguarded. And it's so unfortunate that I've found this person... This person who treats me like a princess and fights for everything that would please me just to see me happy... but I am so heavily guarded that I'd barely looked at him in the eye and unveiled myself as someone at the peek of thankfulness and happiness. I couldn't even do that.

I am dragon queen. I have my guards readily standing by the high walls of castle. And I keep myself in there, occasionally open for visitors. But never hospitable enough to offer anyone to stay the night.

As of right now, I can hear the faint fireworks of the city next door. But all I can think about is how I'd gotten so alone in so little time. I hate to admit it, but you took a great deal of my happiness with you. And it doesn't matter where this whole thing will lead us. It doesn't matter that things will stir up again. Doesn't matter that things will come up again. Now, just for now, I am sad. I am empty now. And I want to cry now.

Hysteric?

________________________________

"I love you more than I thought"

This is what is what's keeping me going now.