Fight Club

Supermassive Black Hole

"Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive"

Self-obsession; a little disturbing, a little unsettling.

Broken glass in bits rather than shards. Boring in the pieces it shattered, I stared and flared. Bold in the second I knew. Bewildered as the thought I'd take on barefoot, bathing in warm burns. Rough and smooth, in the morning with pleasant dispositions. Lost in a second above my own floors, my own will to be willing.

I've every courage to state what I'm willing to die for. I've no courage to state what I'm willing to live for. It's as if you'd hear me, I'd dissolve pitifully, empty-handed. If they'd hear me, I can grin and pretend I'm the masochist I may not be. Fucked in the head with the games we play.

Tomorrow's Monday, week day; Another reason for all my abraded faces.

_

"Tender Music" -Afterall

Living Together

"With an effortless smile you pervade to be
Always in between aisles (They said you must stare to see)
An optimistic Daring me"

I bought pants. Jeans in fact.
You like me best in them. Because they're made like you could be part of me.
Somehow.

I'm fixing myself, you don't have to know it. It's for the best, and the best isn't always easy. I've got twenty-one questions for every tomorrow, as I build myself to me and rip you down to mine.

There's still leaves in my bag,
Autumn mine, autumn yours.

I don't know, but this break is too long.

_

Twenty-Six

Words Get in the Way

"Your temperamental moody side
The one you always try to hide from me"

Robitussin -
I should've spiked your meal.
-
I am the worst prick on the face of today; for you at least.
I'm sorry...

I knew it was only a matter of time that you meet with my silence. The aggravating way I can't look at you even as you pull my face to yours. The way you ask in your gentlest patient voice, and I knew you were struggling...
But I unleashed my silence regardless. The long, inconsiderate concept of why I can't say anything. Why words, for someone of my mentality, won't let you in. Why I just want to bury myself to you because I know someone finally wants me. But I push away. Slow and uneasy.

And I knew you'd walk right out that door. The hushed slam that you left behind as you disappeared outside, as you try not to hurt me so much.
I found tears breaking themselves from me once I was alone, but I didn't let them break either...

What I hadn't expected was that you'd come back. Tear-stained as we tend to be in this house, you fight a smile, and you're soaked from the rain...

And I know I have to fix myself.

I am the worst prick on the face of today; for you at least.
I'm sorry...

_

Brooding is All the Rage

Your Bruise

"It's getting bluer and you can't keep faking
that you can't feel this anymore"

It's raining.
It's just about time.

My spine screams a chill as I plant myself in any stationary formation because I love distancing from comfort. I can't trust myself.

My living room smells like the cold. A comforting cold that I used to confide in when I couldn't help but smile or couldn't stand but cry. I loved it like that. Easy complexities of being young and knowing you're wrong and flawed and free to be. I can't be free to be. Not when I weigh of a boulder on a cliff, ready to take control to lose control.

My bruise. It follows me where ever I go. When I'm singled alone or shoved a crowd, it's there. On me, all over me. Every time I lay down and stare at my ceiling, I can only picture painful things. I can only feel the burns of...

Just give me a second.

_

An Ascertain Aftermath

Pachuca Sunrise

"At this moment, where I sit,
none of it seems real"

Grip and control, none of which moments I stammer with the rerun of a night I'd been bored in half, in thirds, right in the middle, right, always the left.

Three things engulf my morning; you and you and me. I'm a prick that survived with a bag of luck and drilling wishes. How I got here, and get there, is out of my guesses. I'll get what I deserve, soon enough.

I patiently hunch with the heaviness of a nothing. Of an emptiness. Of a void so filled I feel guilty it's empty. I have nothing to say to anyone. Nothing but to blame that it's what I listen to that's making me so dark. But I haven't seen the sun in 4 days, how dark could I possibly get?

Desperation of my ever silent calls, I can't get myself to cry. I'd cry. I'd cry better than keeping my mouth shut, my eyes closed, and ear-splitting conversations and gestures that chews me out.

I discovered the accumulation. A collection and recollection, recycled used and abused. Creased papers I'd eventually memorized and new lines that proves further how I deserve the holes I'd gained. I slam pictures down, rainy songs. I breathe easy, wash you off, and slip into something a little less comfortable. A little more appropriate.

A soft white of knuckles feels soft cotton that I returned to, and just the right words to tell me,

It'll catch up to you.

_

BreakMe

To Speak and Feel

Hard Feelings

"Two mirrors in the middle of the world
Passersby thinking modern love"

Stoic, I repeated.

More than half of the time, I scrape through with out the taste of passion. I drag my flimsy legs passed some stiff competition and realize I'm so incapable. I'm so calm I'm pale safe to the edge of forgetting to speak and feel.

I'm excellent at ignoring myself. With myself, I've got nothing to lose. Unless being next to...
I know they're looking and I have to make them happy. Happier than I can never make the burning hole in my chest happy.

Passionless, I repeated.

It's either me or you. It'll never. I'll never. I can never. You may...

I can't fix myself It hurts to feel you.

_

Deprivation of Valuable Quality

You Are The Dark

"But the dream about the autumn leaves
And you were one
Falling in the sun
Where are you now?

I'm exhausted.

And when exhaustion hits, my mind seem to settle in a cozy little affair with thoughts of death. Thoughts of accidents, and incidents, and vanished existences, and morbidity that I've yet to point the origins of.

Back in elementary school, I once decided that when I were to die, I wanted to die a slow, tragic death. I said to my schoolmates that I'd be stabbed through the heart. And I meant it. I guess I convinced myself that I deserved it.

I imagine myself in endless car accidents. I catch myself sitting in a car and playing a complete scene. Sometimes I survive, sometimes I'm in the coffin. I don't know, but I never seem to imagine my life as an adult aging to death. I always die early in my head.

I mean it, I'm not suicidal. There are rare occasions that I wake and realize there are some things really worth living for. But unless those days are here, I become exhausted.
I shift to auto pilot and pretend.

It's a deep, hollow exhaustion.

_

Burr and Boone

Syrup and Honey

"Baby baby baby
Spend your time on me"

I don't like the fact that I searched through some ON-Demand music and found MY JGorbel all up in it. I was disappointed. I love them too much to be sucked up by eck. Is this asking for so much?
-
If I spend half my time complaining about how cold it is, it makes me think that maybe it'll get irritated enough and just leave me alone. Maybe it'll be summer earlier this year. Oh I can only pray, can't I?
-
I never wear my own clothes anymore.
-
http://www.niveausa.com/highlights/local_highlight/local_lipcareads

I don't know, but that commercial gets me all the time.
-
Burr and Boone, autumn mine, autumn yours. My way, you said I could get my way.
You can have it your way, you said.
I hope my way won't get you lost.

This part of town gets tricky, gets sticky.
Promise me you'll be cautious.

_

Quiet. Talk. Fight. Chase. Talk. Quiet.

Semi-Constructive Criticism

"Leave out the meaning this time Let tensions evolve
Intimate groove confused In childish tantrums"

I overslept this morning, but awoke just in time.

I can't focus in class, but I keep doing my work.

I lost nearly complete appetite, but I'm always fed.

Digestion of self-knowledge,

I scare myself.

_

Some Days I Spaz Out?

How Deep is Your Love?

"And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again"

I'm hearing this song more often than ever, unintendedly.
-
It's Monday, dull as ever. I threw swings of my moods up in the air for some company to catch. And I lie, I lie all the time.
Head bowed to my ambiguity, squeezed me stone and I just couldn't say it back.
I'm sorry, I just can't say it back.

Letter #7; Kill me now, I must deserve it.

_

1114

So Contagious

"I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to...
To take a hold of you"

There is...

A burning hole in my chest.

_

One More Day...

Teach Me

"Let no one get close me..."

My mother is best person in the world. I should've inherited her warm, strong, hard-working heart.
She works with out complaint. I see her for an accumulated few hours every week. The thought of the barrier between us is heart-breaking. So I try not to think about it.

My father is the best person in the world. I should've inherited his patience, understanding, and hard-working heart.
He works with out complaint. I see him for a little more than few accumulated hours every week. The thought of the barrier between us is heart-breaking. So I try not to think about.

My parents are the best people in the world. I should've inherited their hearts.
I wish to some day find a way to break our barriers,

and one day, I'll look into their eyes and tell them how much they mean to me.

Because I lay awake at night, thinking over how far we've gone from each other, but still knowing that I am the luckiest person in the world.

The luckiest person in the world has the best people in the world to thank.
-
Tomorrow, I hope to be with the Black Ranger.
Squeezes.
-
Tomorrow, marks three years.

_

The Twelfth

Soft, Pale and Pure

"Cause I've been thinking of this place forever, I know
It's all that I, I've come to know
As I slowly lose control
Slowly, I lose"

I'm stealing, wasting, and watching time.

I know it's redundant but I need a job... terribly. I want to be able to last through the holidays. And I know that I can't live off of my parents' money to indulge in self-processed, superficial happiness. I also can't step outside the house with out money anymore. Isn't that ridiculous? Well I'm sure I'm capable, but it's so confining, so limited. And during these of seasons, I just want to want, understood?

I'm stealing, wasting, and watching time.

I want to bake. With our tin can boxes of treats and cookie sheets. Snow doesn't exist here, but I star in the movie, right? It goes the way I want, with who I want, with what I have. I'm ready to feel warm, brown and collected in the best of my memories. ...Socks are starting to really like me.

I'm stealing, wasting, and watching time.

Yes, I actually do slide off my bed. Its small surface let's me lose myself and tangle under and around the dreams that were just thoughts a few seconds ago, along with the sheets fighting with me. One night, one night I'll have the best sleep of my life.

I'm stealing, wasting, and watching time.

Letter # 5, kill me now while I'm smiling.

_

9:01am

Sleeping with Giants [Lifetime]

"Oh we stood there, awkward and youthful, we tangled;
a piece of my soul escaped"

There might be something terribly wrong with me. I couldn't help but question today and yesterday like I'll soon make a painful mistake that I'll make regardless the knowledge that I'll make it.

Or...

I could just be afraid of the fact that something is starting to matter to me again... And how long have I pushed away from anything remote that?

Lighten up Ange, ha.

"Are we wasting time or is it wasting us?"

_

Kina Grannis, Hello

She's wonderful, my oh my.

http://www.youtube.com/user/kinagrannis

Heey Are You...

Trouble Sleeping

"This constant compromise between thinking and breathing"

Demain, nous n'avons pas ...school. Therefore, I plan on having the good day avec mon copain.

Nivea Lip Moisturizer commercials are my feel good moments.
-
Letter 4, kill me now while I'm smiling.

_

Letter #3

I Want to Hold Your Hand

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand"

I couldn't sing because I was asleep. I couldn't sing because I peeked out the window, and I was squinting.

I laid an hour in bed, pretending to be asleep. The time set wrong, my phone along the dusts, my pillow just slightly memorizing you.

We never get anything done. We never get anywhere far. The two dullest people that spend sitting and knowing, along the way that you don't have a clue what this could be.

And yet I find myself questioning in paranoia and fear...

That what the hell am I talking about..

_

Quatorze Novembre?--Already.

Fix You Up

"And what I figured out,
what I figured out,
what I figured out
was I needed more time to figure you out"

I need some alone time, world.
There's always someone to please,
Someone to laugh at
to laugh with.
Someone to sit next to,
sit on,
sit by.
My cheeks are starting to hurt because sometimes I'd just like to be with my room, to lay, to listen, to think.
And I need to stop avoiding my radio. He left me alone for one straight week, refusing to function in the cold of the mornings. I guess I understand. I've had two mornings this week when I seriously wanted to die.
I didn't want to wake up, I didn'tt want to get ready. I just wanted my bed to swallow me whole and to disappear where my consciousness can't find existence at all. I'm not being suicidal, I promise. I just dread not making it through winter.
-
Fremont cops are assholes. "They treat their job like a business..." -FC.
-
I hope... I hope he stays here... with me...
Even weekends are starting to rough up..............................
-
Vhong Navarro, your fans climb rice sacks just for you.
-
I can't wait to sleep at night. I can't wait till the morning gets better. I can't wait till ...
-
One more week; November 14th. Mmm...
-
Letter #2, kill me now while I'm smiling.
-
Sugar, stay away from me.
-
Squeeze x3

_

Is It Summer Yet...

Helicopters

"...And how your heatwave ran
through our snow black fields"

I have all the rights to complain and whine and bitch here till my fingers [or teeth] fell right off, just not the will.

My dad actually turned on the heater this morning, and they made coffee. Rare morning that I don't want to get enough of.

-

I never want to fucking talk about anything.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS
_

139 - 338, Let's Give it a Rest

What Sarah Said

"But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all"

I'm starting to really shake,

Really etch between my synthetic warmth,

Really rely on only one,

Really afraid that there's something to lose again.

...I know what I want.

-

Norman's Family Restaurant like we were starring in an indie film, huddled on our booth, the lights dimmed, and conversations just hushes. We had a good school day.
Forgetting class, flooring through the red light because we're push overs to our own impulsion.

I hate it, "Nobody wants to hear another story about how you couldn't write right" - Circa Survive.

Here comes a novel...

_

Vampire Weekend !

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

"Is your bed made? Is you sweater on? Do you want to, like you know I do?"

I have never spent all day in my room, under the rain, the covers, and a nice little affair with my phone.

Eating too much of the Halloween's early death rule, avoiding the water's nag, a dead end.

I have never loved the weekend more, beneath the influence of denial, delusion, and demolition.

12 hours emptied and filled, silenced and slurred, awake and asleep.

To Wish Impossible Things -The Cure

_