Today, I miss you. Just today. I can go on without giving you any thought at all and all of a sudden, there it is. A very strange and familiar feeling that I never bothered to remember. But there it is, nudging me at my sides and poking my arm, waving its flashy hands in front of me. It's always when summer nears its end. I am reminded of goals and dreams and our ambitious glimmers. I am reminded of haircuts, school shopping, and some new clothes. We move together, walk together, and silently string ourselves with the aspirations we longed for ever since we were younger. Dreams of skyscrapers and an overpriced and outrageous sense of fashion. It's these dreams that tied me up for so long. And even now, in this uneventful disconnection where I am finding myself feeling very inappropriate for remembering a feeling that I should have forgotten, I still miss you today, and it feels so wrong. But our dreams stay with me. Dreams I no longer long for. Dreams I haven't given thought in years. Dreams that molded us to be the people we are now. Dreams that had us pining for the best possible version of ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we lost each other. And on most days unlike today, I knew that we couldn't achieve anything together and we lost each other for a reason. Coexisting was never a permanent option and we both knew that when we saw the destruction we caused. All we were supposed to do was set a fire in each other and leave once the fire set. But since we prolonged the time we didn't own, we are now left with ashes of these dreams. Just ashes.
I hate missing you the most. It's so helpless and stupid. I don't know what it's like to miss a deceased person, but if I were to try to feel what that feels like, then this is the closest feeling I can empathize with. I feel like this is the first time I thought about you in years. I can miss you, I just don't want to. I don't want to trick myself into feeling like I need you just because I miss you. I just want to throw in some sad jokes of best friends and laugh it off. Then go back to where my mind was before I even gave you any thought.
That's it.
I hate missing you the most. It's so helpless and stupid. I don't know what it's like to miss a deceased person, but if I were to try to feel what that feels like, then this is the closest feeling I can empathize with. I feel like this is the first time I thought about you in years. I can miss you, I just don't want to. I don't want to trick myself into feeling like I need you just because I miss you. I just want to throw in some sad jokes of best friends and laugh it off. Then go back to where my mind was before I even gave you any thought.
That's it.
