For as long as I've had this blog, I have written about a few people who I claimed to be desperately in love with. Or whatever that even means. I caught myself rereading entries I wrote about a few ex-boyfriends and girls who stole my itty bitty little heart. For the most part, I was completely truthful about the girls who stole my itty bitty little heart. It was true that I had been desperately in love with them. I knew it, I felt it. It controlled me. It destroyed me. It had me wrapped around its awful fingers and I was whimpering by the end of it. Yeah, they got me good. But as for rereading my entries about these ex-boyfriends, I felt the need to shudder or cringe at the awful lies that I told myself to make myself feel better. I feel silly. I feel kind of stupid. I wish I hadn't used the words I had. I wish I hadn't pretended to feel things that I never felt for them. I wish I never assigned songs to these people. I feel like I have ruined a few good words and a few good songs by tainting them with memories of boys I never actually loved. Boys I kept around to keep from the loneliness during the cold seasons then dispose of once it gets warm. No, I never loved them. I didn't love any of them. And I feel like a sorry ass for only realizing that now. Now that I've been with Rae. Sometimes I'm glad I was the way I was. For the sole reason of being thankful for what I have now. Had I not been the deceitful and denying dragonqueen bitch I was then, I wouldn't realize now which feelings are real and which feelings I made up by turning them into words I can read. I just wish I never referred to any of them as 'the love of my life.' Who...who the fuck does that?
I won't lie to myself again about falsely loving anyone. Why was it so difficult for me to admit that I do not or no longer love someone? Never again. Never again.
I'll be truthful now. And right now, I am, without a doubt, in love with Raemon Farin. And I will never regret this. Even if we don't end up together forever or lalala, at least I know this to be true. Hold it against me.
I won't lie to myself again about falsely loving anyone. Why was it so difficult for me to admit that I do not or no longer love someone? Never again. Never again.
I'll be truthful now. And right now, I am, without a doubt, in love with Raemon Farin. And I will never regret this. Even if we don't end up together forever or lalala, at least I know this to be true. Hold it against me.
