"Not everyone is as judgmental as you think."
And for months, this same statement lingers in the back of my head. I guess I never even realized that I've generalized everyone around me as judgmental. And so I constantly censor myself, like stepping on eggshells, biting my tongue, covering my mouth, and closing my eyes tight shut.
I've always thought I believed personal expression. The Two Cents. Voicing opinions. But how can I believe in that when the very thought of elaborating on something I believe in makes me cover up whatever point I'm trying to make with disclaimers and embellishments? I'm cautious about being too offensive. Being too close-minded. Being too self-righteous. Being too sensitive or insensitive. Not being empathetic. I keep these thoughts with me every time I get a chance to publish anything. And on other days, I convince myself that it's not because of all these things that I'd just listed as to why I'm so hesitant on completely expressing myself. Sometimes, I think that not everyone cares, right? And so I don't say anything at all. But then, what was the point of having this 3-year old blog? Other times, I just think that it doesn't matter. The worst days to blog would definitely be when I feel the absolute desire to retaliate to something or to anyone. Especially when I know I'll make it nameless, vague, and blatant. I'm guilty of having done this in the past, but now, I cringe at the thought of doing something like that. And so when something upsets me, I let myself cool down before I type anything. Or I'll let it all out on an unpublished entry. Because unless I'm ready to use names, specifics, and details when writing a long rebuttal, then I'll be as petty as the source of my frustration. And if I'm making my point, then I refuse to be anything remote to petty.
And so, back to what a friend of mine said to me, Not everyone is as judgmental as you think. She's right. With the thousands of concerns that I have about being a blogger, not everyone is going to perceive me as the awful thought that I've planted in my head. I'm just self-conscious. But at the same time, I try to give out a cool, calm, and collected vibe. Like life is all good and my life is just a collection of pictures taken when we're all smiles. That's how I've been lately. Look at me happy, listen to me be happy. I hardly ever tell the world that I'm sad. Or upset. Or even momentarily angry, which of course happens. I feel as if I no longer share anything personal. I looked through my very very early entries, and I was very expressive. Every pain, every tear, every frustration that ran through my body, I let it all out. Even every moment of bliss and ache and feeling infinite, I recollected those feelings too. But now. Now you can't even venture a guess as to how my life could possibly be. And yes, I made it that way. Purposely or not, I haven't decided yet. All I know is... that I have to understand Not everyone is as judgmental as I think.
Not everyone is as judgmental as you think. In other words, sometimes, it's ok to use your middle finger.
I've always thought I believed personal expression. The Two Cents. Voicing opinions. But how can I believe in that when the very thought of elaborating on something I believe in makes me cover up whatever point I'm trying to make with disclaimers and embellishments? I'm cautious about being too offensive. Being too close-minded. Being too self-righteous. Being too sensitive or insensitive. Not being empathetic. I keep these thoughts with me every time I get a chance to publish anything. And on other days, I convince myself that it's not because of all these things that I'd just listed as to why I'm so hesitant on completely expressing myself. Sometimes, I think that not everyone cares, right? And so I don't say anything at all. But then, what was the point of having this 3-year old blog? Other times, I just think that it doesn't matter. The worst days to blog would definitely be when I feel the absolute desire to retaliate to something or to anyone. Especially when I know I'll make it nameless, vague, and blatant. I'm guilty of having done this in the past, but now, I cringe at the thought of doing something like that. And so when something upsets me, I let myself cool down before I type anything. Or I'll let it all out on an unpublished entry. Because unless I'm ready to use names, specifics, and details when writing a long rebuttal, then I'll be as petty as the source of my frustration. And if I'm making my point, then I refuse to be anything remote to petty.
And so, back to what a friend of mine said to me, Not everyone is as judgmental as you think. She's right. With the thousands of concerns that I have about being a blogger, not everyone is going to perceive me as the awful thought that I've planted in my head. I'm just self-conscious. But at the same time, I try to give out a cool, calm, and collected vibe. Like life is all good and my life is just a collection of pictures taken when we're all smiles. That's how I've been lately. Look at me happy, listen to me be happy. I hardly ever tell the world that I'm sad. Or upset. Or even momentarily angry, which of course happens. I feel as if I no longer share anything personal. I looked through my very very early entries, and I was very expressive. Every pain, every tear, every frustration that ran through my body, I let it all out. Even every moment of bliss and ache and feeling infinite, I recollected those feelings too. But now. Now you can't even venture a guess as to how my life could possibly be. And yes, I made it that way. Purposely or not, I haven't decided yet. All I know is... that I have to understand Not everyone is as judgmental as I think.
Not everyone is as judgmental as you think. In other words, sometimes, it's ok to use your middle finger.
