It's time for a change. Sophomore year, I used to make these lists of all the things that I wanted to do and all the things that I wanted to be. And on that list, I put ...not being so emotional anymore or... not crying so much. Being more laid back, or indifferent. Not caring too much. All these things that had to do with faking it and bottling myself.
And with out acknowledgment, I achieved those goals on my list. I achieved everything and more. At first, before finally and completely achieving those goals, I was at a good balance with myself. I was happy, I was free. I was still considerably a ..good, wholesome person. But as time progressed, and my happiness dragged on, I began faking it. My problems and anything I had to face, I smeared happiness on. And by smear I mean... I pretended like nothing was ever, ever wrong. Because my pride, my pride told me that it wasn't ok for things to be wrong. It's not ok for you to wake up in the morning and not be able to say that you're not happy. You aaalways have to be happy.
So for months, I was always happy. No matter what happened, what shit went down, I made sure that I went to sleep telling myself that I'm happy and woke up telling myself that I'm happy.
That bloody list.. the more I continued on with that pattern, the worse I got. I surpassed my perfect balance and acquired the heart of a dragonqueen. And yes I'm only using that term in reference to a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song, but whatever. Dragonqueen.
I didn't give a fuck. And when I say I didn't give a fuck, I mean I didn't give a fuck. I didn't have to try not to give a fuck, I just didn't.
And... I don't want to be this person anymore. That list... though at first I was proud of myself for achieving my goals, now..well...I'm not. And it's time for a change.
It's time to think of a better, more perfect list. I have better goals. To be better. Not to be some nutshell heartless scumbitch. Not too be some over-sensitive tearfreak. I'm just going to be better. I'm going to find that perfect balance and keep it.
I'm going to make someone proud, anyone. And I'll prove everyone wrong. Every single face who has no faith in me, I'll prove so terribly wrong.
Because right now, I hate myself. I hate this person I've become. I hate that it's so difficult to care about the things I should care about. I hate that I let the wrong people in and hurt the right people the most. I hate that I'm excellent at disappointing the best people.I hate the way I think, the way I make myself feel. I hate that I gave up the goal to make everyone I love proud of me. When did that stop being my ultimate goal? All of a sudden, it was all about ME ME ME. And nothing and no one beyond.
This is my life. I have to gain control back. I have to win this ridiculous battle with myself because no one is going to win it for me. And as much as anyone can tell me what to do or how to do it, I'm going to do this for myself. For my life's sake.
I'm back at square one, and I'm glad that I've reached back here. If I didn't, I'd still be walking around like the ass that I've been for...as long as I can remember at this point.
The means to self-loathing. I'd forgotten how motivating it is. I don't have to be stuck swimming in my own pool of pity. I'll bear with this self-loathing until I'm someone better. Someone I think is good enough.
It's 1:54am.
And with out acknowledgment, I achieved those goals on my list. I achieved everything and more. At first, before finally and completely achieving those goals, I was at a good balance with myself. I was happy, I was free. I was still considerably a ..good, wholesome person. But as time progressed, and my happiness dragged on, I began faking it. My problems and anything I had to face, I smeared happiness on. And by smear I mean... I pretended like nothing was ever, ever wrong. Because my pride, my pride told me that it wasn't ok for things to be wrong. It's not ok for you to wake up in the morning and not be able to say that you're not happy. You aaalways have to be happy.
So for months, I was always happy. No matter what happened, what shit went down, I made sure that I went to sleep telling myself that I'm happy and woke up telling myself that I'm happy.
That bloody list.. the more I continued on with that pattern, the worse I got. I surpassed my perfect balance and acquired the heart of a dragonqueen. And yes I'm only using that term in reference to a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song, but whatever. Dragonqueen.
I didn't give a fuck. And when I say I didn't give a fuck, I mean I didn't give a fuck. I didn't have to try not to give a fuck, I just didn't.
And... I don't want to be this person anymore. That list... though at first I was proud of myself for achieving my goals, now..well...I'm not. And it's time for a change.
It's time to think of a better, more perfect list. I have better goals. To be better. Not to be some nutshell heartless scumbitch. Not too be some over-sensitive tearfreak. I'm just going to be better. I'm going to find that perfect balance and keep it.
I'm going to make someone proud, anyone. And I'll prove everyone wrong. Every single face who has no faith in me, I'll prove so terribly wrong.
Because right now, I hate myself. I hate this person I've become. I hate that it's so difficult to care about the things I should care about. I hate that I let the wrong people in and hurt the right people the most. I hate that I'm excellent at disappointing the best people.I hate the way I think, the way I make myself feel. I hate that I gave up the goal to make everyone I love proud of me. When did that stop being my ultimate goal? All of a sudden, it was all about ME ME ME. And nothing and no one beyond.
This is my life. I have to gain control back. I have to win this ridiculous battle with myself because no one is going to win it for me. And as much as anyone can tell me what to do or how to do it, I'm going to do this for myself. For my life's sake.
I'm back at square one, and I'm glad that I've reached back here. If I didn't, I'd still be walking around like the ass that I've been for...as long as I can remember at this point.
The means to self-loathing. I'd forgotten how motivating it is. I don't have to be stuck swimming in my own pool of pity. I'll bear with this self-loathing until I'm someone better. Someone I think is good enough.
It's 1:54am.
