Tell me again the part how you didn't feel a thing, the part how you never actually really ever did and lift yourself from my grip but don't fall asleep.

T: "And I really think you need to let your barriers down and be OK with your emotions. I've always noticed how they scare you...

Angie, you need to work on being comfortable with emotions. Not only for this but for many aspects of life. Fear of emotions will only hold you back..."

Petals broke from tips of roses hidden underneath my arm.

You are so far away...

And I wanted so bad to be with you today.

It's the 26th.

I remember red skies and notes on napkins when I didn't want the day to end.

I love you, you know?

________________________________

‘If you listen to the song “Asleep,” and you think about those pretty weather days that makes you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you’ve known, and you cry, and the person holds you back, then I think you will see the photograph.’



Masochism at best.

Hide and Seek

A ghost was sitting on me again.

Her arm rested just above my head, I knew that for certain. I knew Max was laying on her bed, licking herself. I knew that the blanket I'd chosen was far too warm for a summer night, and I knew that I was drenched in my own, cold sweat.

What had startled me was the amount of knowledge that I'd had. I whispered to myself frantically, "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming..." And I'd braced myself, prepared myself to prevent the avalanche of images that would come crashing down my head and shake me to my very core.

But I was already too late. Laying on my side, the images fell and clashed like the montage of the astonishing realization of a psychological thriller. I resisted and I fought, or at least I tried, but only to accept that I was hopeless, and it sat on me comfortably, longingly, and patiently.

Her arm rested just above my head, so close to me that I could even smell her skin lingering around me. But she was out of reach, and I was at the dark, sinking and throbbing under the heat of the blanket. My head pounding in my skull, the ripping sound of angry air whipping around me like it's the last thing I will ever feel...

When I knew it departed, my arm flew above me and it laid flat across her arm, in hopes that she'll be awake and I'll be safe again.

But darkness fell closer, and I kept more alone. She didn't even flinch. Max was still licking herself on her bed. I was still drenched in my own sweat.

And so at the peek of fear, I put my hands over my eyes like I was ten again.

I'm not afraid to say that this is getting harder for me...

Everyday, I corrupt my mind with all of these thoughts that shouldn't even matter to me. But they're taking me, laying atop of me, and squeezing out what ever is left of me. And I'm never left.

Dean Dantes, I'm running on exhausted. I'm so well-behaved during the day. I'm so solo, so solely with my soul and the energies that have me light in the air. But falling asleep and waking up wrap me so tangled between the ties of my life and the little rips that I never fixed. It just gets bigger.

And I ram it against harder on myself, masochism at best. Like that movie we watched one winter night. He bashed his head on the wall repeatedly, stopping it, fighting it, anything for it just so it's alright again. I want to be alright when I fall asleep and wake up.

But their weight with yours brings me to my knees. I can't waste anything. I just don't know how to change this yet.

PS. I lost my Ipod. I'm upset.

Temple, Juno

New eyegasm.

PS. This summer, Makay, and Tay are so good to me.

I think my pasts are trying to grab me by the wrist and whisper something sweet in my ear. Sweet enough to make me stop and breathe. Sweet enough to make me stay. Sweet enough to pull me in, and take me all the way down those lanes that I always just wondered about.

I just know now..I've left my marks. Scattered all over this place. Deep, and clawing deeper.
-
Lately, I can't write. I just sound absurd. Until whenever, of course.

Every time I hear it, feel it, know you're still with me.


"No I won't do it again, I don't want to pretend
If it can't be like before I've got to let it end
I don't want what I was, I had a change of head
But maybe someday...
Yeah maybe someday

I've got to let it go and leave it gone
Just walk away, stop it going on
Get too scared to jump if I wait too long
But maybe someday...

I'll see you smile as you call my name
Start to feel, and it feels the same
And I know that maybe someday's come
Maybe someday's come...
Again!

So tell me someday's come tell me some days come again...

No I won't do it some more, doesn't make any sense
If it can't be like it was, I've got to let it rest
I don't want what I did, I had a change of tense
But maybe someday...

I'll see you smile as you call my name
Start to feel, and it feels the same
And I know that maybe someday's come
Maybe someday's come...

If I could do it again maybe just once more
Think I could make it work like I did it before
If I could try it out
If I could just be sure
That maybe someday is the last time
Yeah maybe someday is the end
Oh maybe someday is when it all stops
Or maybe someday always comes again..."

Shannyn Sossamon. Mmm..

I feel as if I'd been so busy lately. And on top of that, I'm being harassed by chronic migraines that won't leave me be.
-

I sat across the table from my friend. He was blindly unaware of the tear that just rolled down my cheek. Instead, he fiddled with an old leather wrist band that an ex-girlfriend had given him. He never really did stop thinking about her.

Once he'd looked up at me, I made sure that I'd rid of any tear stains. His mind was blank of anything but her, I could tell. I knew that much about him. He knew I knew that too. He didn't even have to look me in the eye.

But then he did just that. And immediately, his face was stamped with panic. He then placed his warm hand on mine and said, "Happy birthday.."

Just bring them tomorrow and we'll blow!

Pazzo

There was this old man standing at the curb. He looked frail and fragile. He reminded me of a very old bird.

I figured he was lost, so I walked to him and kindly asked him, "Are you in need of help, sir?"

That upset him. From the calm wrinkles of his face came the eruption of rippling sags. I figured from the tone of the language he was yelling that he was Italian. I'd never met someone so old and so Italian all at the same time.

His reaction had not frightened me though. In fact, I'd wanted to giggle. I wanted to speak 5 different languages all at the same time in an exclaiming fashion, hands and volume flailing. But I just stood there, and I smiled, and I let him yell incomprehensibly at me.

After he'd finished yelling, he took a deep breath. Deep enough for me to see his chest well up to his chin and down again. He firmly looked at me. Not a trace of the eruption on his face.

Quietly he said, "Thank you for listening. I feel better now."

D and I paid a visit to sick ole Makayla.

But she wasn't home.

Darn.

_

I have 99 problems but a bitch is not one.

I'm in history, writing a paper about crips and bloods. And I'm just thinking to myself of all that has been whispering around our social ties.

Did you know...

That there is so much shit talking lately? I can't even believe my ears sometimes. All of this negativity coming out of so much mouths. I mean, I understand sometimes you just have to vent out the things that bug the shit out of you, but I'm almost sure that everyone's doings and beings shouldn't bother you at such an extent that your mouth is running for the fucking cross country team. It's everyone, it's everyone. I even catch myself drooling with negativity sometimes. But then I try and wipe away the drool and pick up on my grammar and THEN, I think of good things that make me smile and well up with happiness. Like summer, love, music, and things that suspend me infinite.

The bell will ring soon.

The Best of the Worst and the Worst of the Best

BFD, what can I say?

It was a day founded by anxiety and excitement and the chillest ecstasy. Since Makalaya couldn't make it due to the thievery of a throat illess, she gave me her extra ticket and I'd decided to ask D to accompany my sister, Tay & company, and me to the show.

The best...



For 10 hours, we were surrounded by weed, drunks, fights, half-nakey people, and some gooood music. My sister really favored watching Taking Back Sunday. Listening to them was a little overwhelming. They sounded like 3 different summers, playing a medley of songs from 3 different albums. Aha, her and D had their first ever experience with some elbows! D said that he would've joined in the mosh pit but he was afraid that he'd take it too personally with his temper, and might just go off on someone. I, on the other hand, just sang along the songs I knew by heart, at the top of my lungs! I felt so good.


Yeah Yeah Yeah's was our last performance to watch. It would've been too late to stay till the end. Actually, we had the worst place to see them be so phenomenal. Karen O was like a tiny, little ant from where we were watching. But we heard her. And I just soaked it in. I let myself, drenched in her voice.

-
Tay came home around 12, with her [I think] veggie burger from Burger King, as always. We were drained. And Taylor and I...do not fit on my bed. We were like two fetuses, and my neck hurts.
-
And for the worst part...

All I can remember is the scream fest we had. All I can remember is you, pulling your hair in frustration. All I can remember is that I knew it had gotten so bloody bad, but it would be over soon, eventually. But so far, it's been a quiet Sunday.

This day...


PS. I missed Makayla.

Tomorrow is the day.

YYYs.

TBS.

Makayla, I miss you already. Feel better sweetface.

Sad sad/:

It was cloudy, I woke up in a funk! I was moody and drenched with attitude. D called me like he always does to wake me in the morning, and I just felt like I was a bitch! Ha, it was strange. Then, he told me he wasn't going to be in school because he was running incredibly late and because he was feeling a little sick. I was sad, and I seriously considered ditching.

THEN, Makay texted me and told me that she had a swollen watermelon in her throat and was feeling ill. I was even more sad! The day felt like it had no purpose. No Makay hugs and no Dean kisses.

So inevitably, I whined and complained to my loving boyfriend about my resentment for the uneventful day. He insisted that I just pick up and leave for home. I couldn't even to that.

I sat at the bench during brunch, cold and moody and pouting still. But then...

He came back to school for me!

Then I was happy again.

The End.

3 more bloody days...

Hysteria!

No, I've yet to download the new TBS album for a bright tomorrow morning. But the thought of it excites me!

Guess what? 's

I've been sick lately. I forced myself to get out of bed this morning and ignore my headaches because I really cannot afford to miss school at this time. We're filming in French class and as lame as it sounds that Fernan suggested a Twilight involvement in it, it's a really fun bonding time.

I began adding my courts' middle names on the invitations [the invitations that my mother designed by the way, it is just precious]. Anyway, I knew more than 89% of everyone's middle names...and I realized that I'd not a clue what Fernan's middle name was. And I still don't. He hung up on me when I gave him a call. Aha, the thought just somewhat startled me for some reason.

Days ago, my friend Jessica, whom we all call Jeska, told me that she'd changed her last name! She'd said that she will update me on everything new, but that's yet to happen. My friend Jessica Jeung is now Jessica Song. Jeska Jeung is one badass name though. I really wonder why. I'm rather excited to see my two favorite Koreans soon though, her and Jennipahhhhh.

You know, I've still yet to finish The Catcher in the Rye. I've had it for ...quite a while now and I've been given at least 3 overdue notices from the library but I just shrug it off. I want to, but I cannot find the time. Or I'm just not trying hard enough to find out. And with my films. I've only developed one roll from days ago, only because Makay suggested we hang out and get the job done. I still have 8 [and counting] undeveloped rolls. I promised, I promised to gradually develop them as summer comes D:

I make the most innappropriate, perverted jokes lately. They come out like word vommit. And I LOL at myself till my teeth fall off. I've just been R-rated lately...

Me: What have you guys been doing in French lately?
D: "Oh, we're learning 'to come'. "
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAROFLMAOLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH.

Hello summer.