I went...

a little insane this weekend.

I'm losing it!

4:13 Dream

Okio, I've seen this on two blogs, and I just feel like doing it now. Since the literate and intellectual part of my brain is a little dead lately..

TEN Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People.

1) I love it when you make pasta for lunch. I love it when I wake up and you've made your coffee and your plate of finished breakfast is still on the table. I love it when I don't have to eat Chinese take out for lunch for two straight days because you have work and so does he. I love knowing that the house isn't as empty as it is every other weekend. I love it when you're home.


2) I say your name more than I say anyone else's name. I just have a complete sense of security when I call your name because you always respond and you always hear me. No one has stayed longer than you have to see me peek my head out of this hole I've been digging myself out of. I love you..so much.


3) I really miss you, you know. The happy sun is waving hello to me and it just reminds me of our 24/7 company last year when I'd brought myself back together and listened to the most painful sound or ride shot gun or waste money like we royally exist. I know you think you're a bad friend, but you're the best to me. We just have a lot going on right now, you know?


4) I go to sleep looking up at the shadow of the dreamcatcher. I wake up blinking to the sight of that feathery yellow that patiently waited for me all night. Or so that's how it seems. There is no other ache like the mark that you've left in my heart. We never really have to say anything at all. As long as our eyes will find their way to meet at any moments of our lives, I am happy. As long as my heart melts when your scent passes by me, I am happy. As long as I can listen to a painful song, want to cry, and think about you, I am happy. As long as I still matter somewhere inside you, I am happy.. I don't think this world has any idea how much I really love you.


5) You're not home right now, but I just wish I could tell you at this very moment to stop wearing my white fuzzy slippers. You've already contaminated my pink ones with your nasty feet sweat, and I really don't want to lose the white ones either. By the way, you made the computer bat cave smell really repulsive. That's why I bare with this shitty laptop. I feel like listening to The Honorary Title. It's just so sunny.


6) I had a lot of fun with you yesterday. I know it was the first we've spoken since this year began, but it doesn't take much to bring old friends back together. I just realize how different we were when we'd first met, who we were, what we did, what we loved, in comparison to who we are now. And I'm glad to know that the radical changes didn't necessarily mean it would be a tougher friendship. Because it's so damn easy.


7) Sometimes I still think about going to college in San Diego with you beacuse that's exactly what we spoke of back in 8th grade. And I loved the things we talked about because we have such great chemistry! We don't scheme anymore and we don't really have insane plans anymore. We don't have lip piercings, and we don't have tattoos of the "chaotic heart" stamped on us somewhere. But I love you just the same.


8) The card that you gave me for my birthday takes so much space in my room that it's cruel. I want to see you so badly on your birthday that I just might. One day, you'll have a wonderful boy to make mama Ange proud. One day, I'll get to hear you tell me how happy you are with all the sincerity that fits your giant heart. I hate thinking about our "dark year" back in freshman because it makes me believe I'm going to hell. How you could possibly have forgiven me is tremendous of you. I love you!


9) Right now, I feel a little upset with you, and you know it too. I know I'm being insane right now but I was just so excited to spend the sun's love with you today that my heart sank to my ass and now I'm sitting here wishing I could see you. But if there is anything that I'd really want to say to you right now, it's that... I know I've still yet to really say it to your face that I love you. I took the first step though! I put it on paper and hoped the best. I am always good on paper. But it's scary for me. You have no idea how much you scare me. I'm doing things I said I wouldn't. Saying things I said I wouldn't. And I'm falling in love like I never intended. I hate you.


10) I want to thank you. I want to tell you to keep loving her with all you have. I want to tell you that since you are who she wants, then give her your absolute best beacause she doesn't deserve anything less than the prime. Anything less and the respect that I've found for you might obliterate again.


NINE things about myself.
1) The sun puts my pieces back together and I feel the most alive. The sun makes me feel everything that matters.
2) I really don't know how songs do this to me, but music is my biggest influence. You don't know anything that matters about me unless you realize what music is to me.
3) I like movies that incorporate fate. What Dreams May Come. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless. Wriscutters.
4) When I see pretty brown eyes, I have to tell that person that they have pretty brown eyes.
5) I like to wear an accessory with someone, with people that matter to me. It's a nice way to think about them during the day.
6) One day, I want to have my own house. A white house. I want a garden, I want a swing set, I want shelves of vinyls, I want a grand piano [though I don't even play or will ever], and I want a nice porch.
7) The sound of guitars is an incredible kind of pain to me. Just the sight of it is fucking..MM.
8) My love gets really intense. I think that's why I'm so afraid to say it sometimes.
9) I like to be able to open my own doors, pull out my own chair, pay for my own meal or others', hold my own books, and take initiative.


EIGHT ways to win my heart.
1) If you're verbally or musically or literately eloquent, you've already got me.
2) Manners matter, folks.
3) Give me something to wear.
4) Appreciate my cold hands, or the strangeness of my feet.
5) Confidence is sexy.
6) If you know the real kind of romance.
7) Talk to me beyond the small talk range. I am a listener.
8) Be clever, be crafty. Sense of humor can always win a heart. But if you can brood as intense as you can make me laugh, oh man, head over heels.

SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot.
1) My future.
2) My words.
3) My music.
4) My love(s).
5) Badminton.
6) Fate.
7) The past.

SIX things I do before I fall asleep
1) Shower
2) Wait if petit copain will call.
3) Decide on calling TRy if he doesn't.
4) Turn off the lights, and on with the night light.
5) Crawl under the covers.
6) Look up, think, and wait for sleep.

FIVE people who mean a lot. Not in order (Exclude family.)
1) Tyler
2) Nikki
3) Josh
4) Dean
5) And of course Bella.

FOUR things you’re wearing right now.
1) A shirt
2) Cache Creek jammies
3) Tyring
4) and Creature.

THREE songs that you listen to often.
1) Stolen - Dashboard [Lately]
2) Deja Vu - Yeah Yeah Yeah's [Lately, my before-the-game song]
3) After An Afternoon - Jason Mraz [I never let myself listen to it anymore, but when I do I play it all day and not even get tired of it]

TWO things you want to do before you die.
1) Own my white house.
2) Let the world know..

ONE Confession:
1) Don't Confess - Tegan and Sara

Till whenever...

I'll leave you with these thorns of a song that matters.

It was the cold. I have the cold. It was the sun. I ate the sun. It was the rain. I'm soaked. The sun came back, then I ate it again. That's when blood. It scraped on the charcoal bliss that tied us together. Now it's rain, and I'm throwing jackets on your face, all over the place.

-
PS. Wingman says she wants to get married. They all want to get married, someday. My organs are shifting, alternating. I said we.

PPS.
No, it was not remotely about you.

There are other losses that swim through my mind.

I cringe at the thought of you so knotted by the drudgery you so tightly refuse to untangle. I just cringe.

PS. You are so cut up, and so unpleasantly bandaged.

PPS. I know what matters out there, do you?

Hello!

It is beautiful.

I...feel so different that I could just swallow the sun,

then be the moon.

Body heat

Ahhhhhh. Makes me gleam with all my teeth, all it seems at all the seams. I don't want to take a breath, unless I take in the summer air in thought, where I stay and get lost. Hair at place, and out of pace and run-on sentences dribble down with tongues set to multiply. Face at hand, legs on legs, feet like the flirtatious innocence if we we're ten years old again.

Sweaty palms

Mmmm. Stifles of giggles and chuckles, disgusted and attracted with all the while indulged and our pulls retracted. I run through the heat, hand secured, locked and loaded at our retreat. Triggered and slowed as the bright traps some height for this high and some weight as we wait under the inattentive magnifying-glassman. Heels and head through ears to smile. Arising heat with a searing style . I won't inhale, until the summer air heals. Hands at knees, chest to chest, and a handful bites to last passed our lust of the past and pulling up in front and between us like we have never been a severed body part.

I can't even get through a paragraph with out stamping you right across it. I didn't even mean to. At least, I never began meaning to.

I bother to buy vanilla ice cream. No one would ever suspect it.

I like the slower version better.

I remember I thought of dead ends and cut shorts. And the tunnel of my thoughts either led to hopelessness or the absolute nothing that I've made out of myself. But I shivered this afternoon, and I didn't even mind it. I heard myself talk for what seemed like hours and I felt him breathing next to me. And I knew that he was intently listening, grasping every syllable and every lisp that came out of my mouth. I was cold, but all I thought about was this sun setting for me while his eyes grazed every part of me. I never thought I'd really ever let my guard down. Not this soon. Not at all. I don't know. It's always strange.

"You're staring at me more than ever..."

It's happened to me before. When I'd looked into someone's eyes and all I see is the most painful beauty I'd thought I had ever encountered. And astonishingly, my heart melts down to my stomach, and I can't help but smile so wistfully and I breathe these heavy breaths and air just rushes through my ears like he's whispering to me the most incredible song I had ever heard. But he was inches away, and I couldn't take my eyes. But unlike before...it's so different. Like I'm a different person. The person I've always wanted to be. Time was mine, these breaths were mine, and the softest brown eyes that yearn for me...

My shell has cracked.

I have cracked.

He has cracked me.

I could've wagered my life that this was impossible. He said he'd make it happen, and I suppose I'm not surprised...

PS. Wingman, if you're reading this, I knew you'd be the one I wanted to tell. I'm in trouble, I'm in love x:

I feel so light, I'd be fooled that I was drunk. I am featherweight, clouds and air. Gray and thick and raging of embarrassing admissions. Arranging the white I see and the black so sleek. I'd think I was so fucked up, you couldn't recognize me. I'd be whistled away like the leaves on the other side of this pane where I sure hope I couldn't feel pain. I'm limped on the branches and scattered at the roots.

These eyes, you see, they want to ripple in, roll backwards to the darker side where we're illusioned with the cowards in the dark. And the cowards, they're among us. In fact, you might be one of them. If I don't watch myself, I might be one of them.
I can feel myself slithering stationary. I can feel myself shaking and shuddering. But I never really give in. No, I'm not going back there. Not as I've built these great, silver gates that remain untouchable.
They're my fingertips.

They're my heat.
And with my heat, I feel so light, I'd be fooled that I was drunk. Featherweight with the clouds and air with the blistering cough of my lungs. Up here, it's gray and thick and I close my eyes to see...

I don't know but I feel strange. Like when you fight with your significant other and cried all night and hoped to sleep it off. But you wake up and it's like you never slept at all...

That's how I felt that morning. The strangest part is that I hadn't fought with a significant other. I hadn't cried all night. It was just as if I was left alone, and left completely hopeless for the next day. Waking up that way, with the sun away, my heart weighed so heavy I couldn't even pick myself up. And all I managed to do was writhe in this agonizing teeth-grinding way that led me to almost beg down on my knees with my head down just so it would stop. Just so this weight would descend away and buried for another day.

I am in desperate and vital need for a shovel.

I always love the sun. I always look for the sun. I've yet to take it for granted. Not since it's rained so much. Too much.
-
I am a land of inconsistencies. A day so excited and so indifferent. So incredibly broken and so incredibly full. I always love the sun. And one day, I will be the sun. And like the nights that I've spent listening to that voice, arguing with that voice, sighing with that voice, and being as gentle as I can possibly be to that voice, I will one day be the moon. One night.

And everything that doesn't matter to anybody around me will be mine. Everything in the world that no one takes a second glance at will be mine. Like the smiles that no one knows the meaning behind. The stares that are living around us unnoticed, bursting with fulfilled satisfaction that this is all we ever want to see, all we ever want to watch. Embracing that the only thing ever really worth it is if you can catch those gazes and those eyes. The only eyes that will ever matter. Just the way. There always has to be something in the way. And as no one claims anything now, it is all mine.

You know, I cannot wait to build my own home.
-
PS, It felt like Cache Creek up there. The world finds its way to hurt, and that's when I know how much I really love...

J'ai sommeil mais je suis en train de faire mes devoirs...
-
My brain is freezing up, my body is melting down, my heart is self-sufficiently happy, my stomach is malnourished and deficient.

Il fait froid, tres tres froid. Mais il fait beau aussi...

Je vais dormir maintenant.

Bonne nuit Monde.

I just felt like saying.

World,

I need a good slap across the face. If my spirits are broken now, then I'll repair them now. I owe myself that much. Whatever's best for the team.

Smiles and fists, my friends.
-
The sun loves me. The cold wants me. I am bouncing and I'd met Killaaaaaa, and he's just like Petit Copain. They're like two peas in a pod. And I accidentally called Killaaaaa "babe".

"And you're always there..."

I guess I'm always here.


World,

I can't explain well how I felt during dusk. I was chilled, I was calm, I was completely at peace with myself. And I had never fully realized how utterly beautiful he really was. In the most innocent wreckage. In the most apparent subtlety. In the way that I'd just acknowledged what was really up against me. In the way that makes me heavily whisper to myself, "Oh my god..."

Today was the day.

J'aime le soleil...

It's a very strange thing to know that you are in love with someone. Maybe not strange, but I do not know what to do with myself. This sounds too direct and too mundane for me, but I just wanted to say.

It's a very strange thing. This lust. It is strange, and I do not know what to do with myself. I feel strange. Like this is all strange. But I just wanted to say.

It's a very strange thing to yearn for dawn. Actually, it's quite familiar, because I have yearned for this before and I think I always will because that is what I do with myself. I just wanted to say, this yearning is so familiar.

It's a very strange thing saying this. This is all strange. I feel strange. I am strange. And I do not know what to do with myself because knowing this is what I've been doing with myself. It's so strange to say that I strangely feel so good all of a sudden.

And I just wanted to say.

Desolation Row

It was just so strange seeing them. Like someone I'd once been in love with but now can't even recall the name.

The Swiss Army Romance

I saw the sun today.

The rain and I have a love/hate situation. It has the potential to make me feel so good, and so amazing, and so torn all at the same time. I hate it. I hate how it rains. I hate what song plays in my head and I hate how it feels.

But what I keep from the world... is how truly in love I am with the rain. I'm afraid that if they all know, I won't have it mine in me anymore..

So I wait for it to end, like all the songs ended.

One can only imagine how much I perpetually yearn for the sun.