Je suis dans ma chambre avec les DVD de mon petit copain. Je veux dormir, mais je ne peux pas. Alors, I have a dozen sleepy thoughts, along side Journey faded from the living room. I'd make my calls. But I need some time to choke on my own. I am exhausted. Finals are over, my first term classes are over. The only things I'll miss would be the adoring company of Tyler and Cassidy in my Algebra 2 class. Mr. Irish sounds like Robin Williams sometimes, and hates my boyfriend. I'm ecstatic to have Spanish off my hair. I've been in approximately 6 Spanish classes since 8th grade, and I'm well beyond done with it. French on the other hand is my new little passion. My only solid goal for this next term is maintain my having the highest grade in class. I just can't give up that title. I won't let it happen! Another upside, no more Ms. Liao. I've found a way to somehow resent having an English class because of her. If she is permitted to teach English, or even teach at all...my faith in humanity has just gone down by another 30 points. This term: Francais Deux = Super parce que je suis une bon eleve !..en francais. Chemistry avec Monsieur Abrahams = C'est dificil? L'histoire avec Madame Lake = I am excited to have her as my teacher again Geometry avec some teacher whose name I cannot pronounce...or spell. Badminton very soon. I cannot wait to play. I've a lot of work ahead of me since I'll be playing girls' singles. And I intend on being good, very good. I miss the hard-earned sweat and the post-conditioning soreness that just leaves me moaning and groaning. Excited. Mmm, if there's anything else for me to rant about...it's the silly realization that I'm out of girl friends. Tyler's my buddy, and I love her with all my little heart's got. And Ace is a serious pain in my ass and she's Ace, my Ace afterall. But I guess now I'm wondering where everyone else went. I miss Kim very much. I always hope that in some moments we'll be like how it used to be. But those moments could only last a few seconds, minutes if I'm lucky. I just miss having that close girl friend that I can be a girl with. And do lame girl things like be able to mall and hub and pig out with ease. Things are moving forward now. Forward. I try my very best not to think of Leo's graduating yet. It makes me sad, though I know I'll still see him. I mean, I do own shotgun forever. BGFx3 Anything left would be Dean. I swear, he drives me off the bloody wall with his stupid self sometimes. We take turns playing immature and retard. I'm too aggressive and he's too passive. We clash like two boulders, one that jumped off a cliff while the other was just pushed off. He can be an emotional wreck while I'm just an indifferent nonsense. He's sad I'm mad but gahd. When he looks at me like he knows exactly what he wants, and his eyes get all small and squinty and dark and broody and partially smiling, I know exactly who to be. And I could be as solid as I thought I really couldn't be. J'aime Dean beaucoup, mais...I just can't tell him that just yet.. Not yet. My foot is asleep, I've black smeared across my eyes since I refuse to wipe it away, and we've no more Panda Cookies left. This rant has gone far, way far enough. Je suis desole, mais bonne nuit Monde.

WhoElse.

PS, Yo necesito un bueno libro para leer. Recomendaciones? Oui, j'aime etre multilingue. D'accord, tulog nako.

Coming Home

Close To Me

"I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out, hold my breath, and wait until I shake"

The concept of my childhood
-

Like I said, my friend. I was a disobedient, lazy, and rebellious child. All I ever did was cause trouble for myself and for anybody else around me. I recall my parents' attempt of hunting me down through the maze of the little city we lived in. I always ran away. I always shook away the world off my shoulders, and just rode. I constantly lied about where I really was. Then it gets dark and I very cautiously make my way up our stairs, bracing for the vocal fiasco I'd nearly memorized. Though it never got old, I did. I tell you, every time I ran, that I was away, that damned ordinances were way behind my trail.. That's when I knew I was alive.

Year later, I am now...a disobedient, lazy, and rebellious adolescent. The lively feeling I get is when I know I'm doing something wrong, most of the time. When I'm taking something that isn't mine. When I'm yearning for something I'll never have. When I touch the DoNotTouch's. When I let myself down my addictions. When I know it'll hurt but I continue anyway. I am only alive when it's wrong.

So now that I'm right

I'm trying to find something to feel.

_

Anybody Else; Isn't that More Appropriate ..

Someone Must Get Hurt

"I can tell you'd like some company but I can't fix you
And you don't want me"

The concept of synthesizers, and I don't know
-

No matter how irresponsible I urge myself with my health, my immune system never let's me have it. I am always well, with my legs the strength of mustangs! I am getting discouraged. Some time since the past 2 winters that I've been so conscious and healthy, I NEED A DAMN FEVER. Just let me have it! I promise I won't ask for anything else.

I think I'm dying anyway, so consider this a simple death wish!

_

Disregard the Virgo

Vingt-Six

Slow Dance

"Let the music soothe your soul"

The concept of cliches
-
The things I never really see
Never really notice
Because I shut my eyes,
Lost in the empty
Wanting.

Though where it's filled
I don't want to close my eyes again.

_

Committing to My Committments, Finally

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

"I lie only for you
And I lie well"

The concept of hopelessness

When you're undeniably hopeful.
-
I need to stop ..because I have everything I need.

Let go

For someday.

_

Rain and the Concept of Being

This. Here and Now. With You

"Your black eyes burning into me So slow
The sounds and lights and others fade and fall away in symmetry
Your black eyes burning hungrily and unafraid I know"

So I'm reading Dickinson and swallowing The Cure.
-

Desire

...exhausting that I love
...would have me by the throat
...and let me burn to ashes

Fate

...smiling patiently pained
...would save me a light
...with the most graceful of tears

And with this I yearn.

-

You pull my shaking body close To make the most of tangency I bite your mouth so fearfully And slow The taste of summers yet to shine A perfect time to change the scene I bite your mouth in urgency and terrified I know

They always know.

_

Temptation and I Am Damned to Hell

Just Like Heaven

"Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dream of all different ways I had
To make her glow
'Why are you so far away?' she said
'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you' "

So much, you're so much like a Cure song.

Strange between my lips, and I can never resist. And you always resist. And I wish anybody would let me.

Just let me.

You're so much like a Cure song. You get trapped in my head, and the only thing that wants to burst out between my lips. So strange that I can never resist. I wish.

I only wish.

If I know this, I want to know that. And I want to know this, and I want that. And I know what I want, and I want to know what you want.

Because

You're so much like a Cure song. Curing and causing me, then severing me then killing me. In tiny pieces. In tiny pieces that you puzzle back together just to shuffle them away.

Oh I love, oh I love, oh I love what you do to my heart when you push me back down and you pull me apart

Let me steal another day,

Be mine.

I'll talk to you whenever.

_

Something I Never Do Myself

Just with you.

February 3, 2009

High

"And when I see you
take the same sweet steps
you used to take
I know I'll keep holding you
in arms so tight
They'll never, never let you go"

So...

October 3, 2008;

Remember the night sky was red? And I kept looking up and I knew you thought I was crazy. But you never said anything because you never say anything and I looked up and I knew you looked at me. As soon as I said, "I love nights like these..." I knew you weren't going to go anywhere.

I remember the night sky was red. And you were there glancing at me. As soon as I said, "I want a night like that..." I knew you wanted it too.

I hate it.

No matter how stupid I think you are. And how much of a bitch you are. And how you never seem to say the right things at the right time... The puppy eye thing you do, and sometimes your lips tremble. Like you're the most fragile thing in front of me...

I hate it. Beyond the exterior that I've so stubbornly built with my hesitant and forceful hands, I have an embarrassing weakness for those eyes that make me think I'm young again. Those eyes that cried in the most shameful silence. Those eyes that let me believe that the red sky was just for me, and just for him to see me under.

Remember?
He remembers.
_

J'aime Jouer Avec Toi

A Late May's Gaze

"Salty sweet on the sand my friend
A late May's gaze that stole my soul again
Kisses for all your insides, a smile for the priceless
I bit through your wrists, watched your blood bathe the crabs"

So send me the right messages and the right punctuations.

In this house where time never caught us right, never looked us right, is where I'd like to stop it late. There will always be two destinations, one of which would never matter to me. Destination one is for the hopeless and the hopeful. Destination two is for the flow goers and the fuck its. And if you can guess which destination is taking me in its tide, then I hope you help take me out.

This house caught the time wrong, and looked at me wrong. So we held a contest only for the best. The contest that held all my requests and strangled everything I detest. In my dreams I mean. I'm only mean in my dreams. And I dream profuse beneath the mundane and the calamities where I refuse to take my eyes out of their place, away from the prize. So I leave them at peace and infuse a new mood to simmer in the darkest brewing of my time to brood and focus. Confuse, then eliminate the extreme seduction of a game gone wild in the hands of the strangest stranger. But only the strangest stranger could be so obsolete, so romantic under this light. Wild in the hands so bloody that I'd remain still pleading innocent. It's absurd to let it all fall, to let the best cheat. This contest held no good intentions because we all pleaded innocent. And you're as guilty as the evident crumbs screaming to the judge and jury that those hands were in the cookie jar.

Inside the house where time held no interest in following the rules of duration, I stopped and stepped in insane. All is one twisted game with bluffs and lies and faces only better than poker had. Emotion and logic swallowed in between breaths.

_

Dean Wants Angie, Dean Loves Angie

She's A Tiger

"Now we'll make room for female behavior
Cause her mind is set now
And no one can save her"

So much love for legal pads.



Letter #15; Kill me now while I'm smiling, unless I deserve to be killed.

_

Angie and Tweety

Unsafe Safe

"No you won't disarm my heart"

So much to say, but it's all better left unsaid.

It's one thing to brew over what or who I want--which with out a doubt is the only positive and definite piece of knowledge in my brain, in my heart, and the movements of my body--but it's another thing to not know who I want to be.

I can't even be who I used to be. I refuse to be. I cannot be, and who ever it is that I will be..might be who I am. Who ever that is. Who else?

To be. I am. Is. My ability to subconsciously alter these states of mind falls right on the tops of my eyelids. And every night and every second that I close my eyes, all I see is the past that passes before me as the red raw thing in my chest convulses with what it possesses.

I am not getting better and I am not letting go. The trees are shaking away their seasons like they should and I am telling myself it'll get warmer. But I cannot get sick as long as I'm this sick. It's hard you know...having my mouth shut because I know, and this I know that I know, I am not as alone as I am just on my own. Because I'd rather take the alone and save you from some predicaments I've already begun. And so I know, but what now?

I cannot walk around with my heart weighing me down. I cannot walk around with these pictures in my head that I could be enough someday because I don't really know if I ever could. Not in this world I'd forcefully taken because it was the only door open. And I beat myself everyday with this knowledge and what I could've done, what I could've said so I wouldn't be so far down in this hole I've dug.

Because in this hole, the soil is heavy and moist. The textures beneath my feet are taking me under with other and unknown substances to be decomposed and swallowed away from any search. And so the humidity of what could only be the cause of the quantities of my thoughts float up my nose to linger in my head as the pungent haunting of everything I could never be, I could never have, but I could always just want.

So I'm torn. And my heart is always on the verge of ripping down and apart and never belong to anybody, not even myself. And for someone that has much to say with it all better left unsaid, I have said way, way too much.

_

I am not ready for...

I am not for...

No.

I want.
_

I Think I've Severed My Mind-Set So Far From Reality that I Let Myself Delude Myself at Any Given Day

Cheated Hearts

"Kept my high from the second one
Kept my eye on the first one"

So easily it ...

Sometimes I sit down thinking, "I'm not really here right now." And I don't realize I exist after a long time. And then something happens inside me, and I realize I'm in little parts. And I forget it just does that... All the time.

Sometimes I sit down not thinking at all. Or at least I think I don't think. But really, I've only one thing in mind.

Sometimes I sit down so empty that I think my insides left me for the floor. Because at least that way, they rot in front of me and I can see them decomposing. And they tell me that I never really blame any one else but myself.

Sometimes I sit down so pissed that I think I'll never be able to get rid of these shudders. I think that I'll never get myself to get up. And then I think of accidents and incidents. And I think I'm just so sick.

Sometimes I sit down so sad I wish I'd just cry. But as breathless as my heart is left, my eyes are dry and stinging and as empty as I think I could be.

Sometimes I don't sit down at all. Not even on chairs. I just forget about my spine and lay down for what seems like a whole life time when really, a minute has just passed me by and all I'm doing is staring at the clock as it tells me to fuck off already.

Is this good enough for anybody? Because sometimes I think I just need to shut my mouth. Even if it's always shut.

PS I Love You

Why can't I say it back.

_

"Face to palm
Tear to tear
And mouth to tongue
Heart to ground

I am in love"

x:
x3

CryBabies

Yesterdays Never Tomorrows

"The dark winter snows bright, please stay here tonight Walk on my face straight through my pillow"

So we had a good conversation.

It's so funny, I might just love you in the funniest ways.

But I don't want to say. So I'll hold back till the day I know you're ready for me.

It's so funny, I had a hard time looking into your eyes.

But I didn't want to look away. So I saw how dark they were. So small and so sad.

It's so funny, I still want to be your friend.

But I am afraid to step back. So I ran back and told you to chase after me. So exhausting. So much patience chasing after passion.

It's so funny, we can't be together like how they're all together.

But I want it just the same. So I called you a fucking douchebag, and you cussed me right back. And we had a good conversation. And it's so funny. And I swear, no two people has ever stared at each other like we stared at each other before.

_

The Cookie Crumbles

These Things

"Let's make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground
I try to whisper so no one figures it out"

So apologetic, all the time.

These things have their way of fixing themselves. Good night.
-
I used to be a pack rat.

Now I just want to empty all the shelves.

_

Woofers

Timberwolves at New Jersey

"This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue
And my eye through the scope
Down the barrel of a gun
Remind not to ever act this way again"

So, it's a new year.

My room is trashed.

My memory is lagging.

And the essence of last night has yet to be washed off.

I think in between ecstatic and moody, I intended on listing my New Year's Resolution. But in between ecstatic and moody, I couldn't figure anything out. And now, I just can't think of anything.

In between the end and the beginning, I pulled myself out of the dark.

I hope you're all happy to begin this new year.

_