Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
"Infallible"
After an entire day of this nonsense....
I woke up today to find that Blogger is finally getting its shit together. But to check up on my blog, I found that Blogger deleted my most recent post entitled "Infallible". It's not in my edited posts, or saved anywhere. Really, it's nowhere to be found. Considering that it was a narrative post about something rather sensitive to me, I can't exactly rewrite to re-post it. Sigh. Well there isn't exactly a point to this particular entry. I just felt as if I was like under the constant Tumblr struggle when Tumblr informs its Tumblees that they will "Be back shortly." I checked every second, every few hours. Once distracted enough and forgotten, I would get entry ideas and click the Blogger bookmark only to find that they are still going under technical difficulties and I would scream or yelp in agony. Rae kept laughing at me because my reactions were identical. The same big-eyed, lump-in-throat, pouting cry when I see that same UNAVAILABLE word. I repeated the same reaction 3 consecutive times. Like a dumb pet. It was 3 in the morning and I was still pouting about technical difficulties.
Now I can't help but think how precious this blog has been to me. Though truth be told, I would rather it not mean anything for I don't wish to have any sort of internet attachment to any websites. But I just can't help it. I am most expressive here.
Don't do it again Blogger. Now I learn you are certainly...not infallible.
Now I can't help but think how precious this blog has been to me. Though truth be told, I would rather it not mean anything for I don't wish to have any sort of internet attachment to any websites. But I just can't help it. I am most expressive here.
Don't do it again Blogger. Now I learn you are certainly...not infallible.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Melanie Quinteros
-Favorite picture of us. It best describes us.
I have known Melanie Quinteros for nearly 6 years and our friendship has never faltered. These past 6 years, we have had ups, only ups. When we are not having ups, we have silences and fade off from each other for a bit of time. But not long after it, we come back and remind ourselves about how we have been apart and each time this happens, our friendship grows fonder and better than before. Melanie is one of the best friends I have ever had. Not once have we ever had any female issues with each other. We have never fought nor quarreled. When there had been things to stir up our friendship, we always took each others' sides and got passed them seamlessly. Today is Melanie's 19th birthday and I had one of the best days with her. I laugh like such a hyena when I am with her. She's the friend that I hang with and all the stupid things that we say, we laugh with our horse teeth out. I have reached a level of comfort with Mel that makes me feel carefree and full of laughter and appreciated! She always makes me feel appreciated.
I love Melanie more than I ever realize sometimes. I regret under-acknowledge her significance in my life. But on those really good days, I am reminded how amazing it feels to have Melanie. She reminds me of laughter. Good, wholesome, refreshing laughters. I love you Mel.
I love Melanie more than I ever realize sometimes. I regret under-acknowledge her significance in my life. But on those really good days, I am reminded how amazing it feels to have Melanie. She reminds me of laughter. Good, wholesome, refreshing laughters. I love you Mel.
Bossman of the house
Driving when barely conscious is like driving under the influence. Sort of. Not really. Maybe I'm always just quite imaginative. Music is foundation. It ties me up together and makes sense of the colors and smells and even temperatures. Faces turn upside down, eyes fishing over cheeks and over steering wheels.
This week my parents have gone off to be their adventurous selves to celebrate their 20th anniversary. 20. That's how old I will be in just a few months. God I am proud of them. I hope they have a fantastic week without their two brat daughters and obnoxious son and the rest of their parental responsibilities. In the mean time, I am bossman. I should be ecstatic but the thought just makes me feel sleepy. Drive here, drive there, feed them. But... anything for my parents. They deserve this week off.
This week my parents have gone off to be their adventurous selves to celebrate their 20th anniversary. 20. That's how old I will be in just a few months. God I am proud of them. I hope they have a fantastic week without their two brat daughters and obnoxious son and the rest of their parental responsibilities. In the mean time, I am bossman. I should be ecstatic but the thought just makes me feel sleepy. Drive here, drive there, feed them. But... anything for my parents. They deserve this week off.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Pallid
Of all my innocuous decisions and silly whims, I think wallowing was my personal and ridiculous favorite. I think forcing myself to feel sad and lay in bed and listen to pretty little songs can convince me enough that there is something going on inside me. Something greater than anger or greed or something more profound, I think. It all makes sense, this nonsense, why I always get myself tangled in some raveled affairs. If it doesn't make me feel nothing, it makes me feel angry. And if not angry, then it makes me feel greedy. And if not greedy, then I feel something more profound, I think. And if not something more profound, then nothing. Nothing at all. All over again. Affairs are the funniest things. They're clever really. They become some unspoken and unknown section in your seemingly complete life. They're affairs after all. Kept hidden is best possible. But you make noises, you know. Buried under blankets and pillows that aren't yours. And noises are sounds that may or may not be heard. But they're still sounds. Which means someone always knows. Always.
There's one beaming flaw as a participant in some of my then affairs. I tend to find myself giving in and breaking apart. That one beaming flaw was that same personal favorite. The more I try to make sense of it, of any of it, and the more I try to win, the more I get sucked into these whirling messes. Even the residual taste of it all... sometimes I get wrapped up in that same fantasy. I don't know why. For things that no longer exist inside me or around me, I have quite the knack for transforming it back to its awful tangibility.
You are all ghosts to me. Haunting me. Finding me when I'm lost then taking me away into your darkness estranged from whatever I consider my reality. You don't have to be real, or present, or any longer existing. The fainter you are, the more I try to remember and place myself in the same shoes. The same worn out shoes that I should have thrown away, but instead hid under my bed.
You are all ghosts to me.
There's one beaming flaw as a participant in some of my then affairs. I tend to find myself giving in and breaking apart. That one beaming flaw was that same personal favorite. The more I try to make sense of it, of any of it, and the more I try to win, the more I get sucked into these whirling messes. Even the residual taste of it all... sometimes I get wrapped up in that same fantasy. I don't know why. For things that no longer exist inside me or around me, I have quite the knack for transforming it back to its awful tangibility.
You are all ghosts to me. Haunting me. Finding me when I'm lost then taking me away into your darkness estranged from whatever I consider my reality. You don't have to be real, or present, or any longer existing. The fainter you are, the more I try to remember and place myself in the same shoes. The same worn out shoes that I should have thrown away, but instead hid under my bed.
You are all ghosts to me.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Final surprise to a really good day
"Reach under your seat." I think I panicked. I don't know why. I just did.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm angry all the time now. I'm angry at everything. I find myself getting angry at everyone. I can't stabilize my thoughts. It's like I'm having heat flashes. I feel my face turn red. I feel my heart race. My chest feels like it will rip open while body tries to swallow it whole. My breathing loses its pace. I excessively blink, like everything in front of me leaves me in disbelief. My head swims and the temperature of my body rises. I'm boiling, I'm fucking boiling.
I was driving home earlier and I found myself feeling more alone than I have in such a long time. There's this annoying nothingness inside me that keeps weighing me down. I keep lying. I'm just lying. I don't want to talk about anything. Alone? How could I feel this alone? How could I feel alone to the point of anger? It doesn't make sense. I've never complained about being alone. What is this now?
I was driving home earlier and I found myself feeling more alone than I have in such a long time. There's this annoying nothingness inside me that keeps weighing me down. I keep lying. I'm just lying. I don't want to talk about anything. Alone? How could I feel this alone? How could I feel alone to the point of anger? It doesn't make sense. I've never complained about being alone. What is this now?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Patrick Bateman
"There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing."
-American Psycho
Watching this movie reminded me of reading The Seven Days of Peter Crumb. Aside from having their bloodlust in common, this film and the book have a similar mood and tone. I felt the same way. The same hair-raising monologues, in detail about the mundane and the insignificant but giving such eerie delivery. I really enjoy films and books like this. I like the gruesome and psychotic thrill. It's not like a scary movie kind of thrill. It's twisted.
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