if someone doesn't hold her hand, she might lose her mind. i thought it was terrible of me to think, but what's even more terrible is how well it rings true to me.
maybe i'd just been alone too long. i might've forgotten what it's like to have someone look at me with the way they feel. i always say i'm bitter. bitch i might be, but i really don't think so. soft is rough and i'm not tough enough for it. i don't need anyone holding my hand just like how i don't need to practice a religion. those aren't the things i need, and i don't know the things i want.
to be perfectly honest, i started to perceive monogamy as such concepts: regular sex and a possibly false sense of security from solitude. from my own experiences, being with someone has had me very lost in a very creamy sauce (no pun intended [maybe]). i was all cravings and all needs and i screeched them out like nothing short of a brat. i'd like to say i never understood what it meant to be in a relationship, unless how i perceive it is really how it is. if i may, i'd classify myself only ever being in one relationship that could've been the kind of something that everybody likes to smile about. the kind that people like to know about. the kind that meant something, or whatever you want that to mean. just don't get me started on love, please. i'm not belittling my past, i just have very little faith in myself in that way. i feel better when i'm alone, nested in my twenty-two year old cave, self-soothing. that's what i always lose in relationships, the capability to self-soothe. i begin to nurse this expectation of being saved or pardoned or carried or tended by the person i'm with, when in reality, i will still always be responsible for myself. i loathed that about myself.
don't mistaken me for someone who thinks that relationships are stupid. succinctly, my point is that they're not for me. not now, maybe later. maybe when i find God. if i find God. got twenty on it i won't though. some people are meant to hold hands. i'm sure one of these days, i'll try to hold someone's hand again, but for now, i'll just stick my hands down my pants and shrug.
