it's noon and i'll be late for work. my mother greeted me this morning with my responsibility towards my well-being. she told me i need to get a flu shot. it put me in a bad mood and i don't know why. which made me feel guilty because it's not her fault i hate myself. i'm typing on my laptop, which is a first as of lately. i only use my laptop to watch youtube videos of people that only partially entertain me. but i found that it entertains me more than netflix or watching any shows or movies. i haven't been too insane which is great. i wake up in the mornings which is great. i drink too much coffee and drink too much wine which are both great. probably. i'd been keeping a journal again which makes me feel both younger and more pathetic. i want to say i stopped chasing my youth, but i'm still not over it. at least in my mind. this weather makes me calm but also makes me sad, but really, i am always sad. i'd rather be calm, i guess. i miss hanging with ace because i'd been doing outrageous shit lately, and i usually do those with her. not really too outrageous because everything is boring. it's so funny to read old entries of mine or my friends' and notice how fucking sad shit has gotten. so funny that the only word i can use to describe it is sad. i overuse the word sad but it's the most succinct of all the words i can use. fucking SAD. it's hilarious how sad shit got. in fact, i'm hysterically laughing right now at how fucking SAD. is it ok to whine? it's probably more ok if i didn't keep acknowledging when i'm whining. my bitching is my bitch and i'm its bitch and we function like a unit, drunk or sober. it's you and me, bitching. i'll be late for work today and i don't even give a fuck. i should quit soon so i can stop being pathetic there and be pathetic somewhere else. i won't get a flu shot, but i'll tell my mother i did just to ease her mind. it's alright. i can take it. i can take being sick. sick of me. sick of you. sick of this. let me be sad. i don't want to be happy. even happy seems fucking stupid. let me be sad. i don't want to be happy. happy seems stupid. when did i become like this.
