even the spells are coming back. i most often try not to sit beside the door because i find myself struggling not to open it when we enter the freeway. i most often try to sit in the middle where i'm forced to deal with my mind. so i can man the fuck up. but like that drive from san diego, my dreams of jumping out of cars are trying to sway me again. i should be worried. but truly, i'm very indulgent about it. like the sound of my wristwatch is estimating me. quantifying what i have left inside me. appraising the whole of me and if i might just feel like relenting. they're like very persuasive old friends. the kind that get you to do things you didn't think you would do, or ever dare to. but you fall into their hands and the rush takes you. and you fail to recognize who you thought you were before the things that you did. only to realize that this is who you are now, and you wouldn't change it even if you could. and you wouldn't be able to look at mirrors, or any kind of reflection, because you are both too arrogant and hateful (and probably disgusted) to do so.
you see, lately, i have been falling asleep thinking of a few disturbing things, and i've been waking up to the very same disturbing things, as if i haven't slept at all. and it's very frustrating. i am not meant to be bothered because of my inclination towards destruction. so for hours on after waking, i lay in my bed replaying the same disturbing things until it tastes good in my mouth. until it becomes some daydream i curl up to. until it's comforting to think of. and thinking of anything else (apart from my disturbing images) becomes disorienting. and i get very upset because i remember what reality is suppose to be.
i'd like to say that i wish the spells would stop. but in contrast to how malignant they take my mind, without these spells, i don't think i would be able to walk a step or say a word without convulsing to a virulent episode.
